UNCLE EDDIE'S THEORY CORNER!

A FRENCH PHILOSOPHY GIRL

2012-05-27T01:25:00.000-07:00

INT. ANTEROOM OF OFFICE RESTROOM, PARIS:

JEAN PIERRE: "Hey in there! Other people need to use the facility, too!"

CHANTALLE: "Sorry. Somebody left a magazine in there, and it had an article about Uncle Eddie. I just had to read it."

JEAN PIERRE: "Uncle Eddie? The internet guy? Why read about him?"

CHANTALLE: "Why read about......??? You must be kidding!"

CHANTALLE: "Gasp! Oh, I get it. You're jealous!"

JEAN PIERRE: "Why would I be jealous? He has a nose like a pickle. Besides, he's John K's toady. Everybody knows that."

CHANTALLE: "Uncle Eddie's nobody's toady. He does Theory Corner and Theory Corner sponsors The Philosophy Girls."

CHANTALLE: "I'm thinking about trying out for the Philosophy Girls. They travel all around the world, arguing and persuading in the service of truth and wisdom. Only the top 15% of applicants are accepted."

JEAN PIERRE: "Well that's all well and good, but I'm a member of...(Ahem!)... the...um... Philosophy Boys. It's an even more elite group. Only the top 5% are accepted."

CHANTALLE: "Really? What do they do?"

JEAN PIERRE: "Do? They...er...wear the coveted Philosophy Boys blue blazer, of course. We never go anywhere without it."

CHANTALLE: "Hehe! Well, if you never go anywhere without it, how come you're not wearing it now?"

JEAN PIERRE: "Er...it's in the next room. Stay here and I'll bring it in."

OUTSIDE, ON THE STREET:

JEAN PIERRE: "Quick! Anybody have a blue blazer to sell!? You Sir, would you like to sell y...Madame, would you....."

***************

YIKES!

2012-05-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

Yikes!!!! I spent so much time with comments on the last post that I'm too tired to write a new one tonight. I'll try to post again late Saturday night.

A POPEYE CARTOON THAT MISFIRES

2012-05-24T01:14:00.000-07:00

If you're one of those people who gets mad at internet swipes then you're going to hate me, because all of the Popeye visuals here were swiped from Michael Sporn's blog, the entry dated 5/23/12.

http://www.michaelspornanimation.com/splog/

They're storyboard drawings from a Paramount cartoon called "Barking Dogs Don't Bite." You can find a video of it somewhere below. I'm putting all this up because the story doesn't work, and I thought it would be fun to talk about why.

It's a pretty simple story. Olive Oyl leans on Popeye to walk her dainty little French Poodle and Popeye reluctantly gives in. Of course Popeye runs into Bluto who's walking his killer bulldog.

The whole middle of the cartoon is action gags where Bluto beats up Popeye, and the bulldog beats up the poodle. After a ton of beatings, the good guys manage to score some spinach and massacre the two bullies. Popeye now has new respect for the poodle who, with the aid of spinach, has proved himself a real man. That's the story.

At first glance the story seems perfect: it’s clear and simple, builds in a logical way, and has lots of opportunities for gags. It’s only when you see the story executed that you realize how flawed it really is.

Compare it to the the best of the black and white Popeyes. They’re full of digressions, and are as much about the funky world that Popeye lives in as they are about Popeye.

In those cartoons Popeye was alternately violent and sentimental and so was the world he lived in. The wonderful, built in contradictions made it difficult to make slick and logical stories, so the studio didn’t even try. They aimed for a logic of the heart rather than a logic of the mind.

On a different point, I’d hate to be an animator working on a slick and logical comedy. There’s no breathing room. In a logical cartoon all the animator can do is move the storyboard poses. Any deviation is seen as subverting the story.

Sometimes I think the present industry should be called the storyboard industry or the writing industry because the animator’s contribution is so slight. Isn’t this supposed to be their industry?

Aaaargh! I've digressed way too much. What I want to convey here is how easy it is, even for professionals, to get seduced by a "tight" story like this one. Sometimes a story can be too tight. It can exclude any spontaneous humor in favor of gags that aren't really funny, but just happen to fit the subject at hand. Stories like that get an "A" for logical consistency, and an "F" for entertainment.

Okay, here's (above) the whole film.

**********************

BTW: Michael Sporn is working up a promotional reel for an animated film about Edgar Allan Poe. When I was a kid I read everything of Poe's that I could get hold of. My favorite book was "Tales of the Grotesque and the Arabesque." I used to love the way Poe used ornate speech to convey horrific ideas. It made humanity seem so frail. He has us put up a tissue-thin wall of eloquent words and manners in the belief that it'll protect us from an unimaginably hostile universe.

Take a look at what Michael is doing with the story, which is heartbreakingly tragic in parts. http://www.indiegogo.com/PoeProject

WHY DO CRITICS UNDERRATE CLAMPETT?

2012-05-22T01:23:00.000-07:00

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:

MILT: "Hey, Eddie...you want to hear my latest thoughts on Clampett?"

EDDIE (VO): "More Clampett theories!!! Go ahead. I'm all ears!"

MILT: "Well, Clampett gets a lot of attention these days and it's easy to forget that at one time he was denied the press that other 40s Warner directors got. Have you ever wondered how that came about?

EDDIE (VO): "Yeah, I used to wonder about that all the time. At one time Chuck and Friz got a lot of the credit, even though Bob was obviously the better filmmaker. Chuck outlived Bob and was pretty articulate about why he did what he did. I guess it pays to be eloquent."

MILT: "Well maybe, but I think it went deeper than that."

MILT: "The main reason was that Chuck and Friz relied on rules and formulas that were already described in books and magazine articles by the mid 30s. They were ready made for historians and critics to reference. Bob was more visceral and innovative. There were no ready-made words to describe what he was getting at."

EDDIE (VO): "Wow! True enough! In a Jones cartoon the bad guy always deserved what he got and Bugs administered the punishment. That's fine, but it got repetitive. After a while you found yourself yearning for a Clampett cartoon where Bugs just bothered the heck out of a poor, innocent patsy like Elmer. It just felt right."

MILT: "Exactly. Bugs was shaking people out of their complacency. That's just classic comedy."

EDDIE (VO): "Haw! Try to explain that to Chuck and Friz, or to a critic who's obsessed with formulas."

MILT: "I sum it up this way: rules are fine in their place, but let's face it......"

MILT: "Rules are for beginners!"

************

P.S. In summing up Milt's ideas I sometimes resorted to a fictional paraphrase. If I goofed up, I hope he'll correct me in the comments section.

P.P.S. When I told a friend that I'd be doing a photo story about Milt he asked if I was going to add a wig and mustache. I indignantly replied that Milt is a good friend and that I would never stoop to such a cheap trick.

DON MARTIN FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS

2012-05-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:

AURALYNN: "Okay Eddie, are you ready to look at those books?"

EDDIE (VO): "Yeah, sure. Bring 'em on! They're on flower arrangements, right?"

AURALYNN: "Yeah, they're called "Ikebana." That's a style of flower arrangement that's influenced by modern art. I thought you might want to do a blog about it."

EDDIE (VO): " 'Itchy Bana?' Why is it itchy? Oh, I see...it's what happens when all that dried moss gets on you. "

AURALYNN: "Well, er....not exactly."

EDDIE (V0): "Holy Mackerel!!! That' looks like Don Martin did it! His leaves always sag like that."

EDDiE: "Okay, this clinches it.......that's Don Martin for sure."

AURALYNN: "Er, maybe........"

EDDIE: "Yikes! Do you know what those two vases look like!? You're going to get me kicked off Blogger!"

AURALYNN: "I think they're all about the tension that's contained in the space between two objects. It's about the energy that's generated. For me, it's a kind of creative energy that's being released."

EDDIE (VO): "Hmmmmm. Okay, if you say so......."

EDDIE (VO): "Haw! Here's an interesting one."

EDDIE (VO): "It reminds me of a pompadour that I saw on the internet!"

AURALYNN: "What about this one?"

EDDIE: "Holy Cow! That's a Shemp wig!!!"

EDDIE: "It's a Shemp wig, a couple of cheese puffs and a twig, all sitting on a vase. Or maybe it's a Tacky Toupee." I got one of those last Halloween. Hey, I think I'm beginning to understand this Itchy Bana stuff!"

AURALYNN (TRYING NOT TO LAUGH): "No, no. It's not a Tacky Toupee."

AURALYNN: "Ikebana isn't about comparison to specific things. It's about contrasts and relationships. Ikebana is always practiced in silence. It's a chance to appreciate things in nature that people overlook because they're so busy. The practitioner becomes more patient and tolerant of differences."

AURALYNN: "You become closer to nature and that relaxes the mind and soul."

EDDIE (VO): "Oh....okay........I think I get it now. These two stalks of broccoli, or whatever they are......"

EDDIE (VO): "....they're completely unrelated to the way that Milt Gross draws womens' hair. They're all about....relationships."

AURALYNN: "Yeah, that's it. Don't worry...it'll sink in when you think about it."

EDDIE (VO): "Okay. What we need now is to establish a relationship with a couple of big old tasty hamburgers."

****************

BTW: Milt told me that Blogger recently prevented him from leaving a comment. Has anyone else had similar trouble? I have Comment Moderation, but there shouldn't be any squiggley letters to figure out. Please let me know (somehow) if you've had trouble with this.

MALE FACES TO DRAW (PART 6)

2012-05-17T20:33:00.001-07:00

Wow! I think of the bully undertaker's son in "Oliver Twist" when I see a face like this (above). Or am I thinking of "Nicholas Nickleby?" Dickens wrote about so many bullies that it's easy to confuse them. BTW, I love the schoolmaster in the Nickleby story. The way he taught Nicholas how to teach was priceless.

What a face on the actor on the right! And what a chin! I'm so envious!

Here (above) Christopher Lee plays a dissipated young man, but what film is this from?

Imagine that you're a dad and your daughter brings this boy (above) home to meet you. I can imagine offering him some pretzels and getting a look that says, "Oh reeeeeeeally. Pretzels, how amusing. Do people really eat those things?"

Geez, this guy (above) has an interesting profile. The diagonal from the tip of the nose to the chin is so drastic! It's not all that uncommon, though. I see it on the street all the time.

For my last male subject I present....me! I just got my hair cut and the cutter made me a skinhead. Geez, I'll have to wear a bag over my head for the next couple of months!

WHAT DOES THE EARTH'S CORE LOOK LIKE?

2012-05-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

Well, it may look something like this (above). This is a crystal cave in Mexico. The red specks are people. I think the Mexican crystals are made of gypsum, unlike the Core's crystals which would be made of an iron/potassium alloy. That combination that would be impossible up here on the crust, but it's recently been proven possible in the high pressure, radioactive Core.

Oh, I forgot to mention the size of the Core crystals. They'd be 10 kilometers long, all aligned North and South.

The Earth's Core is getting a lot more media attention than it used to because recent studies show that the Earth's magnetic field, which is driven by the rotating Core, is quickly weakening. It's already weakened to the point where the dip at the poles (above) is threatening to come down to the height of commercial aviation. Those places will receive less protection from solar radiation.

Not only is the magnetic field weakening, but it appears to be shifting. There's a concern that Earth's magnetic poles might reverse sometime in the next two hundred years. One estimate puts the date as early as 20 years. They've been moving around a lot lately. I've read that in the past ten years the magnetic pole has shifted nearly half the total distance of the last 50 years. The effect of this on the Earth's weather is unknown.

Last but not least are the traveling "hot spots." Although the main magnetic forces run North and South, smaller lines of magnetic forces erupt in travelling "islands" around the globe. One such hot spot started in Africa and is now moving over the Atlantic in the direction of Brazil. That means planes flying in that region will have to fly lower than normal to be safe.

What causes these deviations? I'm not sure...nobody is. The Outer Core is a rotating ocean of liquid metal, which is only a little more dense than water. I think...though I'm not sure... that this layer rotates faster than the Inner Core, and is influenced by big, fluctuating irregularities on the surface of the Inner Core. Don't quote me on that, I might have misheard it. I saw this on a Science Channel documentary, and was distracted by X#@%&X phone salesmen throughout.

THE MEANEST COMIC STRIP EVER

2012-05-14T02:28:00.002-07:00

I just stumbled on what I consider the meanest newspaper comic strip ever. It's not the one above, it's something else. I'll come back to this subject in a minute, but first let me put it into context with a little history.

The common wisdom is that newspaper comics experienced a Golden Age starting somewhere around 1925. That's the era when physical comedy artists like Ridgewell (above) were nudged aside in favor of sedate, story-oriented strips like (several years later) "Little Orphan Annie."

Above, more Ridgewell. In my opinion the real Golden Age of the newspaper strip was 1903-1924, or thereabouts. Most of the characters of that era weren't especially memorable but the drawings were really creative.

Live action comedy films evolved along similar lines. Physical silent comedians like Chaplin and Keaton were phased out in favor of personality actors like (a decade later) Cray Grant.

Surely something valuable was lost when purely comedic artists like Frank Leet (above) were deleted from the papers. Why couldn't physical comedy co-exist side by side with the newer, more story-oriented stuff?

Alan Holtz, creator of the blog "Stripper's Guide" (link on the sidebar) and my source for these strips, speculates that original physical gags may have been just too hard to come up with over the long haul. Take the Leet strip above. The idea of unleashing an attack dog on two ne'er-do-wells must have been used hundreds of times before Leet got hold of it. I can imagine Alan asking, "How many more times can you do a gag like that?"

I'm only half in agreement with that explanation. It seems to me that physical comedy could have evolved like everything else. Look at Fearless Fosdick, Milt Gross, Don Martin, Jerry Lewis, Jim Carey.

Gee, comics (above) were so experimental in that era.

The point I want to make is that early comic strips were an anything-goes hodge-podge of everything that was considered funny in that era. Maybe that's why they were so creative. Political correctness hadn't discovered them yet. You could even do death gags in those strips. And talking about death gags........

What do you think of these death gags (above) in the strip I call "the meanest strip ever," Frank King's "Jonah" from 1910. I kinda like it. Here Jonah assists a woman in her attempt to commit suicide. Click to enlarge.

The strip (above) was unbelievably drastic. You just never knew what would show up there.

How do you like this one (above)? Jonah deliberately pushes a baby into a pond. Try to do a story like that today.

SOME USEFUL LIFE LESSONS

2012-05-12T03:11:00.003-07:00

I wouldn't make a very good guru. I haven't really learned much about life, and much of what I do know is so commonplace that it wouldn't be worth repeating. Even so, there are a few little odds and ends that you might be interested in hearing. See what you think of these minor pearls of wisdom:

The first has to do with the proper way to apologize. If you're sincere about an apology, never dilute it with qualifiers. Never say, "I'm sorry I left the gate open and the dog got out, but it never would have happened if you hadn't......." That's not a real apology. You're still blaming the other person. It's better to say, "I'm sorry I left the gate open. I just wasn't paying attention." You take all the blame on yourself...because it's an apology, remember?

The second pearl of wisdom has to do with the proper way to comfort a friend who's just had a setback. Never say, "I'm sorry you missed the party. It was great!" Say instead, "How come you missed the party? Everybody was asking for you!" A friend just let me down that way, and it made me feel better.

For the same reason never say, "After you were laid off the rest of us adjusted and the work is going smoothly now." Say instead, "After you were laid off there was chaos. We're still struggling with it." Why pass up a chance to make somebody feel good about themselves?

Let's see....is that all? No wait, there's one more item: when insulting a person in the heat of a shouting argument, always use profanity. Never say, "You incompetent idiot! My kid could do better than that!" Say instead: "You bastard! Get your head out of your ass!" People remember personal insults about their competence. They forget profanity.

This advice arises from a profanity laden fight I witnessed between an employer and an employee. The employee finally stormed out, slamming the door behind him, and I was certain that he'd never work there again. Amazingly he was back at the desk a couple of days later. Why? In spite of all the shouting, neither had said anything very personal about the other. In some circles profanity is an acceptable way of letting off steam. Nobody gets permanently offended by it.

Interesting, huh?

PRETTY FACES

2012-05-09T22:20:00.000-07:00

I have a file of pretty faces that I add to once in a while. Looking at them just makes me feel good. See if you feel the same way.

Geez, this (above) is one of the sharpest photos I've ever seen on the net. I'd like to see the camera it was taken with.

NEW YORK: PARADISE FOR PAINTERS

2012-05-08T01:32:00.000-07:00

I came across this painting (above) when I was a kid. It was a cover illustration on a book of short stories by Jack London, which included his famous story about ferries and The Hudson River called, "Fog."

I'm guessing this picture is by John Sloan. It seems odd that the ship should be so low, almost at sea level. You'd think the water would spill in and sink the ship. I imagine that ferries have big, heavy keels to stabilize them. It also seems odd that such a dirty, gritty, big-city boat could venture out into raw nature. Of course, nature itself seems pretty dirty and soupy here.

Here's (above) a famous painting by Reginal Marsh. He seems to be equally repelled and attracted by the people he paints.

Here's (above) one of Red Grooms' city scenes. Grooms has fallen out of favor lately, but I still like the guy. Few modern painters capture the dirty, crazy, wonderful intensity of New York the way he can. In film, I'd say that Bakshi captured that in Fritz and Heavy Traffic.

hmmmm. Grooms pictures would make great "pop-out" greeting cards.

Above, a Grooms newstand. I don't know why, but buying a newspaper or magazine from a stand like this was a lot more fun than buying the same item from a bookstore. Maybe it's because you get to enter the dingy, 16-watt world of the news troll. Maybe it's because the magazines seem so current and exciting in this format, as if they were just snatched off the printing press.

Lots of New York artists did subway themes, but none as successfully as Grooms (above). It's hard to imagine that all those different kinds of people managed to co-exist, even for the short time it takes to ride a train.

Glackins took this fascinating photo of a real New York subway interior. Parisians especially are always lamenting how cold and impersonal people appear when riding the Metro but, really, all big city mass transit is like that. I kinda like it that way.

Here (above) Glackins captures a girl having her hair dyed while the public watches. I wish all architects had a print of this in their offices. We need to have buildings that are designed for people watching. People like to watch other people at work, which is one of the reasons McDonald's is such a success.

Is this picture by Sloan? I can't tell. The arching bridge is a great idea, one which we should duplicate today.

I think this picture of a small indoor theater is by Glackins. I imagine the same theater hosted boxing and equestrian shows. I like the fact that it's somewhat upscale and elegant. We need small modern theaters like this.

Here's (above) a picture by the man I consider America's most wrongly neglected artist, Cecil Bell.

For a long time I couldn't figure out why Bell (above) was so neglected by the critics, but now I think I know. It's because only a small number of his pictures are so stylistically sophisticated that they can be said to stand alone. You only get an idea of the great soul of the man when you have a chance to see a whole book of his pictures.

Unlike Reginald Marsh, Bell had a great deal of affection for his subjects (above). He knew there was nobility in the city dwellers he saw all around him, that the unique quality of the city wouldn't last forever, and that the future would have need to be reminded of it.

What a keen observer Bell was! Your first impression of the scenario he paints (above) is how seedy it is, but if you look at it long enough the wider context becomes apparent. You see the technology, the feel for how much work must have gone into making it, the way that humans divide themselves into vocations, the idea that people...even when pursuing raw basics like sex...never stop being thinking creatures, and can still be regarded as possessing destinies and interesting life stories.

I envy art students who are able to study in New York City. The teachers are among the best the country has to offer and the environment is stimulating. Look at the interesting and unorthodox model and the beautiful backdrop behind her. Look at the intensity of the teacher.

Here's (above) a student's homework assignment from The School of Visual Arts. I've often thought that one of the best things a student can do to learn color and composition is to do lots of rough, vague color thumnails of classic paintings. I was suprised to see that a teacher at SVA agreed with me. Now that's a class worth taking!

ADDICTIVE ANIMATION

2012-05-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

John Kricfaluci's working on a Bobby Bigloaf commercial, and he's doing most of the animation himself. I recently saw some of the latest scenes. How do they look? Well, they're funny, beautifully drawn and animated, wildly innovative, ahead of their time, will probably sell a ton of product, and will still be watched 200 years from now....in other words, they're examples of typical John greatness...or are they?

In the last 6 months John's done a lot of animation experiments, and they've really paid off. You should see what the man is capable of now! I credit him with coming up with a new animation technique...for lack of a better term, I call it addictive animation. That's animation that you want to see over and over again, and when it stops...well, you get mad at the animator for not giving you more.

By "mad," I mean really mad. When it's over your only emotions are anguish and anger. You find yourself self saying, "MORE!!!!," not as a request but as a command. You want to chain the guy who drew it to his desk and make him turn out another scene. Sure he has human rights, sure you have no right to make him do that ...but who cares!!!??? Like a true addict, YOU MUST HAVE MORE!!!!!!! You're beyond reason or compassion.

That's what I felt when saw the latest Bigloaf scenes. I felt that I had a right to the remainder of the scenes, which weren't even animated yet, and that the artist was maliciously withholding them. I found myself saying, "Is that it??? You mean, that's all there is???? For God's sake,why did you invite me here if you weren't going to show me the whole thing???" I wanted to shake the computer in case more scenes were hiding in there. Geez. I probably had madness in my eyes. The animation was that good.

This revises my thoughts about the purpose of animation. Sure it has to be entertaining, and plausible and appealing and all that......but surely it should also be addictive. It should reduce the audience to nervous wrecks who unwillingly go home and yell at their children and kick their dog just to release the nervous energy. After the scenes are shown there should be a groundswell of increasingly urgent audience foot stomping and a hue and cry of "More! More! MORE!" John's the only currently practicing animator I know whose work has the potential to provoke emotions like that.

I probably shouldn't write about John's work this way. I mean, nobody can live up to that kind of hype, and I'm sure this will embarrass him. But I have to do it...just because it's the truth.

BTW: I'm sick as a dog right now and haven't been able to obtain stills from the film. I'm illustrating this with old John legal pad drawings gleaned from his blog.

http://johnkstuff.blogspot.com/

AURALYNN RANTS ABOUT SHEETS

2012-05-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

INT. MALL:

AURALYNN: "Alright, you're wondering what I wanted you to see in this department store. I'll give you a hint: it has to do with something you said on your blog."

EDDIE: "My blog? Really?"

AURALYNN: "Yeah. Follow me!"

EDDIE: "Auralynn, wait a minute! Let me try out this sofa. Ooooooh, man! This feels good! The problem is, if I allowed myself to be this comfortable in front of a TV, I'd turn into a couch potato."

AURALYNN: "How 'bout a shot for Roberto?"

AURALYNN: "Cheekster panties or cotton hipster? What do you think I should get, Eddie?"

EDDIE: "Er...what I think is that somebody I know is going to come along and I'll have to dive under the counter."

AURALYNN: "Okay, down to business! What we want is riiiiiiight around this corner......"

AURALYNN: "Okay, here we are! This is what I wanted to show you. This...THIS...is what a real bed looks like! You see how inviting this is? This is what I tried to tell you about the other day. THIS is the kind of thing girls like: quality white sheets, double pillows for each person, and a big old white comforter."

AURALYNN: "I can't believe how many men expect their girlfriends to get all worked up about jumping into a bed that looks like like an army cot. Girls hate that! On your blog you mentioned clean white sheets. That's not anywhere near enough! Tell the Theory Corner people that we're girls! We like beautiful things! Tell the guys to get a real bed with real sheets!"

AURALYNN: "(Sigh!) I love to let myself fall backward onto something big and fluffy (*Sigh*) It's like...falling...into.......a cloud."

EDDIE (VO): "It looks great, but what if a guy's strapped for cash?"

AURALYNN: "It doesn't cost much. Now here's what you need: 700 or 800 thread white cotton sheets, probably Queen size. Queen is the smallest bed that'll hold two people."

AURALYNN: "This looks like a good set: one fitted sheet, one flat sheet, and two pillow cases; 700 threads. It's on sale for $109...$90 if you have the newspaper coupon. That's a good price."

LATER, AT THE FOOD COURT:

AURALYNN: "So, did you like the sheets?"

EDDIE: "Yeah, they're great. Right now my whole family sleeps under sheets with pictures of animals and fire engines on them. That's what happens when you have kids. But you're right about the sheets."

DOES EXISTENTIALISM SUCK?

2012-05-02T01:22:00.002-07:00

STEVE: "Hi Auralynn! I'm on Skype. Can you see me?"

AURALYNN: "Hi Steve! I see you fine!"

STEVE (VO): "Just a sec. I'm gonna switch to the laptop in the kitchen."

STEVE: "Okay, Here I am in the kitchen. Jo jo's with me."

STEVE: "So, Jo Jo....Tell Auralynn what you told me about why existentialism sucks. I don't know what I think about it myself. We should let Auralynn decide which of us right. "

JO JO: "Good idea! That's fine with me.

Okay, here's the argument. Existentialism attempts to demolish morality without replacing it with anything of equal value. Sartre says that being a moral person is a symptom of bad faith...a sign that a man is surrendering to group think, and not being true to his own nature. But that's silly."

JO JO: "Is it a good thing if dictators and murderers like Mao and Stalin are true to their own natures? You don't want to blindly embrace traditional morality, but you don't want to reject it out of hand either. Morality creates a wall that shields us from barbarism and allows civilization to flourish."

JO JO: "I guess I believe in Cicero's notion of "Right Reason." We should accept as truth the fundamental moral principals that are common to all men and all nations in every time. Using those fundamental truths as a foundation, we should use reason to deduce a specific morality. We don't need Sartre's philosophy....."

JO JO: ".....or Camu's either. I mean, that line from Camu's 'The Stranger: 'I shot him because the sun was in my eyes'....that sounds fun and avante garde and all that, but if you actually knew someone who did that, you'd think he was crazy. You can't base a morality on silly stuff like that."

AURALYNN: "True, but in Cicero's time humanity may have been united in believing that slavery was natural and moral. You wouldn't want to base a morality on an idea like that, eith...mmf...blorf."

AURALYNN: "Oh, sorry...my lips are dry and I had to....I'd offer you some lip balm, but......"

JO JO: "LIP BALM!!! THAT SUMS IT UP EXACTLY!!!!!"

JO JO: "Okay, traditional morality has some flaws, and all of us aren't going to agree on what the basics are, but there is a consensus about most things, and what there is no agreement on....well, we apply a sort of lip balm to it. In lieu of a permanent solution...we discuss it. It'll work out eventually."

JO JO: "Alright, I rest my case."

STEVE: "i don't know, Jo Jo. You're not giving the Existentialists the benefit of patching up their inconsistencies with lip balm. Aaaaargh....it's all so confusing."

STEVE: "Auralynn, You're the tie breaker. Who won this discussion? Does Existentialism suck?"

AURALYNN: "Well...yes, of course it sucks."

AURALYNN: "I mean, Aristotle said that you can tell if an idea is a good one because a good idea is always beneficial to both the individual and to the community. What's beneficial to anyone about killing someone because the sun was in your eyes?"

JO JO: ""Thank you, Auralynn! You have earned yourself a doughnut and a YooHoo when next we meet."

PHOTO SHOOTS THAT GO AWRY (REVISED)

2012-04-29T02:45:00.000-07:00

Gee, it's scary to think about photo shoots that go awry, that just don't have any juice. Maybe it's especially scary in adult media which is supposed to be about passion and lack of inhibition.

What if a model has a bad day? What if the photographer has a bad day? What if they both have a bad day at the same time?

I'm guessing that's what happened here (above). The shoot wasn't working out so the photographer decided to make a joke out of it.

Fortunately this model had a knack for comedy.

The horrible truth is that not every model is photogenic. This girl (above) probably got the job because she looks good in real life, but the truth is that she doesn't photograph. The camera doesn't love her. What do you do when you get a subject like that? Do photographers have a Plan B that enables them to save the shoot?

It's a strange but true fact that some women with good bodies (above) just aren't that interesting when naked, at least not in pictures. Here's (above) a girl taking her clothes off and there's no emotional impact. It's just information.

Apparently nudity is a state of mind. In order to read as naked a model has to feel naked. She has to project a feeling of vulnerability or of being in a special state where ordinary rules don't apply.

Or maybe I'm wrong. This girl (above) seems vulnerable enough, but the nakedness only barely reads. Why is that?

The use of flat lighting and awkward composition seems deliberate. I wish I knew the story behind this.

Once again, the same model (above). Now this is a really scary picture. This girl's good looking, but she's completely devoid of sex appeal. That's unusual. Almost every human being and even some department store mannequins exude some degree of sexuality. Whatever subtle cues make up that quality are completely missing here. I can only imagine the panic the photographer felt when he realized that he had a rogue model on his hands.

I suppose the poor guy continued to shoot anyway, in the hope that some unusual truth
would come out of it. It does sometimes. Women like Veronica Lake can be sexy even when they're cold but, really, how often does that happen?

My guess is that lots of otherwise unsuccessful shoots were saved by alcohol, which has the ability to reset emotions in some people.

It's risky, though.

Sometimes weird pictures (above) can save a shoot. Actually, this shoot didn't need saving. The model succeeds in being sexy in an odd way.

Well, that's it. So far as I can tell, the human body is still the most popular subject in the visual arts.

My apology to the model I called sexless, if it turns out that I was wrong. Sometimes the camera adds or subtracts in unpredictable ways.

MY TASTE IN HOME FURNISHING

2012-04-26T23:47:00.001-07:00

DINING ROOM TABLE: Fortunately there are lots of good tables on the market, including vintage hardwood tables. If I were buying something new I might look for a thick, heavy, square (with extender), natural wood surface with a clear, not very shiny varnish...something like the one above, if it had legs. I'd change the lamp, though.

For dining room chairs...I can never decide what I like, so I'd have lots of different kinds of wooden chairs at the same table: a Western sheriff chair, a Van Gogh's Bedroom chair, a New England spinster chair, etc.

LIVING ROOM CHAIRS: Danish Modern, of course. Mike has a couple of these and they look great. You can get cheap ones made out of fabric and pine, or expensive ones made out of leather and hardwood. I like the cheap ones best because you can abuse them without feeling guilty about it, then replace them in a few years with something new and different.

I think Urban Outfitters is still selling this Danish Modern sofa for $200 on sale. That's a good price, even if it turns out to be a little flimsy. 'Better get your order in fast.

Urban outfitters also sells this Danish rocking chair (above). It's hard to find rocking chairs that rock the way they should. I'd want to try this out before buying it.

Of course, if you're going to have Danish Modern furniture, it would help to have a house like this (above).

Or this (above).

BEDSPREADS AND SHEETS: A nice dark quilt or Indian blanket or Guatemalan spread goes well with modern rooms. In the winter I like a down comforter. The sheets should be of good quality, ironed, and be super white. Good sheets are expensive, so be prepared to lay down some serious dough.

WALL DECORATION: I'd put up framed art of all kinds and cartoons of course, but also pictures of space. I like the lure of the unknown, and I find it comforting to know that, while the rest of the universe is freezing and barren, that I'm on a warm, verdant world...in some ways a paradise.

DECORATING THE BEDROOM WORKPLACE

2012-04-25T01:22:00.002-07:00

I admit that I've been influenced by this photo of photographer Julius Shulman's work place (above). It's an interesting play of horizontals and verticals with the horizontals dominating. Like Shulman, I love to work on big, flat surfaces with a secondary desk behind me.

Coming off my recollection of Shulman's space, you can see where I would have been appalled by this (above) corner workspace in a bedroom. Even so, that was stupid of me. This guy had a fraction of the space and budget that Shulman had to work with.

I should have been more sympathetic. After all, there are no books on the subject of how to convert half a small bedroom into a workspace. When designers do write about the subject they design for architecturally sophisticated spaces (above) that aren't really all that small, and which require expensive renovation. You have to ask, if the designer can afford all that, why isn't he living in a house with bigger rooms?

Anyway, in the coming months I'll try to put up what I think are acceptable solutions to this design problem. I have one idea that you can use right away. You have a small room? You like Shulman's wide desk area? Well then copy it and sleep in a sleeping bag or futon under the desk. I mean it. Your desk is where you'll come up with the ideas that'll start your career. Isn't that worth a little inconvenience?

BTW: On a different subject, I think I'll write up a few of the shelf ideas that are on my mind. Let me know if you disagree.

LESSON # 1

Never, ever buy tall, stand alone bookshelves (or tall furniture like the all-in-one desk that started the post).

You don't want to emphasize verticals in a room, you want to emphasize horizontals. Horizontals imply stability, and make you feel tall. Because they can relate to other horizontals in the room, they can imply movement and dynamic sweep. Verticals on the other hand, make you feel small, and their lines run out of gas as soon as they hit the ceiling.

If you must buy a tall bookshelf, don't get stuck with an awkward, empty-looking one like the one above. Be sure to buy an extra shelf plank or two.

Come to think of it, buy more tall bookshelves and bunch them all next to each other. That turns them into a horizontal shape, and that's fine.

LESSON #2: Do buy low bookshelves, but avoid funky designs like the one above.

For a narrow two tier bookshelf get something simple and elegant like the shelf above. If need be, you can put bracket bookshelves above it.

LESSON #3: BEWARE OF UGLY BLOCK AND PLANK SHELVES.

Block and plank shelves are great, but only if they're low, long, have thick beautiful wooden planks, and minimally obtrusive concrete blocks...in other words, the exact opposite of the one pictured above. The one above seems to exist to show off the 'lovely" concrete blocks, rather than the books.

The bottom shelf should sit no more than three inches above the floor.

LESSON #4: LONG BRACKET SHELVES MAKE A NICE CONTRAST.

I love bracket shelves (above). They're light and airy-looking, like a Caulder mobile that you can put books on. When you remove the shelves they'll leave an impression on the wall, requiring paint and Spackle That's okay, they're worth the trouble. They also need to be firmly anchored to studs behind the wall, otherwise they'll only be able to hold light books.

Avoid the heavy look of the shelves above. I like the beatnik/Caulder variety of bracket shelf: black brackets and natural wood with only one coat of clear varnish, so the grain shows through. They're best when they're long and continuous, almost from wall to wall.

LESSON #5: Artsy shelves are fine, if you have room for them.

They're pricey, though. This (above) is the famous Memphis bookshelf from the 80s. It's a favorite of Auralynn's.

Jo Jo: My apology for my overly harsh crit of your tall bookshelf the other day!

HOW DO WE REALLY DIE?

2012-04-23T00:48:00.000-07:00

Here's a creepy thought. It came from a dream I had when I was in Texas a few weeks ago. It's just a fantasy, but it takes on an eerie plausibility when you look at the graphics I've marshaled here. I'll discuss these pictures in a minute, but first...the dream.

I'll start with a question: what if humans were immortal? I don't mean some time in the future, as in science fiction, or in the afterlife or in reincarnation...I mean physically immortal right now. What if, unbeknown to us, we've always been immortal ever since we first walked the earth? What if none of us dies a natural death. What if we have to be killed, otherwise our cells would continue to divide indefinitely? What if every human who has ever lived was........murdered?

It's a scary thought. It implies a murderer, someone who thins the flock. Those could be devils or space aliens. It could be a race of Morlocks, as in H. G. Wells' The Time Machine. It could be quasi-supernatural thugs who enjoy killing for its own sake, and who have a vulture-like ability to detect physical and mental weakness. My dream was about the latter.

I dreamed that I was in a parking lot, looking for my car when I noticed a couple of thugs heading my way. I was the target, no doubt about it, and there was no doubt the thugs had a murderous intent: it was broad daylight and the lot was full of shoppers, but the men savagely pushed them aside as if they were rag dolls. I ran into a nearby supermarket and the thugs ran after me. Inside they tore up the market in order to get at me. I managed to stay one step ahead, but I was getting tired and the thugs seemed to have infinite energy. At that point I woke up.

Lying in the dark with my eyes open and my heart pounding, my half-conscious mind filled in the rest of the story. After I escaped, the joking thugs walked out of the market, confident that they would get me in the next encounter. Previously frightened patrons took on blank expressions then dutifully tidied up the market. After that they went about their business, completely unaware that anything scary had just happened. They had total amnesia about it.

I remember thinking, "So that's what death is like." In front of witnesses you're violently killed by thugs who then arrange the corpse so it appears that you died a natural death. The witnesses clean up then, with no memory of the killing, resume their normal lives...until some time in the future when their turn comes. Scary, huh?

Okay, it was just a nightmare, something we all get now and then....but as I was assembling the pictures for this post I began to notice that most of them seemed to confirm the premise of my dream. Almost all of them had a common theme: that death comes not to the fatally sick, but rather to ordinary, healthy people who are minding their own business. It's as if there was a consensus of artists and sculptors of the past that death was murder, something that's done to you with malevolent intent. Look at the pictures. Do you see what I mean?

BEAUTIFUL SANTORINI

2012-04-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

INT. CARL'S JR. BURGER RESTAURANT:

AURALYNN: "Hi Eddie!"

EDDIE (VO): Auralynn! Hi! Hey, you're not gonna take a swing at me again, are ya'?"

AURALYNN: "Oh, I was just kidding when I did that. I didn't hurt you did I?"

EDDIE (VO): No, no, I'm fine. Hey, can I interest you in a burger? It's grilled to perfection and comes with tomato, onions and leafy lettuce. A tasty flavor treat...whaddaya say?"

AURALYNN (VO): No thanks. I'm not, er...into Carl's burgers."

AURALYNN: "Say, what are those pictures on the wall?"

EDDIE (VO): "I dunno. 'Just restaurant art."

AURALYNN (VO): "Wait a minute. Those are pictures of Santorini, one of the Greek islands! That town is beautiful. Oh, I'd give anything to go there."

EDDIE (VO): "Yeeeeeah....but look at that hill. What if you walked all the way down to the bottom then realized you left your wallet in your room?"

AURALYNN: "Well, you'd have to climb back up again. You 'gotta make some sacrifices if you want to live in a beautiful place."

EDDIE (VO): "Yeah, but...yikes! Those stairs look dangerous. What if you fell?"

AURALYNN: "Dangerous? Hmmm...hey, Eddie...what if someone was murdered there?"

EDDIE (VO): "Murdered?? You've gotta be kidding."

AURALYNN (VO): "No, look at the pictures. Cliffs and precipices everywhere. If an evil person wanted you dead...well, all it would take is a push."

EDDIE (VO): "Naaaaaaaw! Evil people don't go to places like Santorini."

AURALYNN: "Sure they do. They must. Here, I'll look it up on the internet."

EDDIE (VO): "And while you do that, I'll do justice to the rest of this delicious burger."

AURALYNN: "Okay, here it is. August 4, 2008: a chef in one of those fancy island restaurants went berserk and beheaded his girlfriend. When the police came up he threw the dripping, bloody head into their car, hijacked it, and ran over two doctors while he was trying to make his getaway."

AURALYNN: "What are you doing? Are you throwing that burger away? Why? I thought you were hungry!"

EDDIE (VO): "(Gulp!) I don't feel so good..."

CARICATURE LESSONS BY THE MASTERS

2012-04-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

If you're interested in caricature then this post should boost you up into hog heaven. It's a chance to study three brilliant caricatures almost side by side with similar photos of the live subject,which in this case is.......me.

This first one (above) is by John Kricfalusi.

Here's (above) the caricature face, close up. I have an ugly black pancreas clinging to the back of my head, a shovel nose, not even the semblance of a chin, dog ears, and big hairy warts.

Here's (above) the real me. No shovel nose but...I hate to admit it....the caricature looks more like me than the photo. Geez! It's spooky how a drawing can beat photography at this sort of thing.

Here's (above) a caricature by Mike Fontanelli. The back of the head is so big that it needs a brace. The forehead is almost non-existent.

Here's (above) the proof that I have a forehead and, c'mon.....the back of the head isn't all that large. Sigh! Even so, I have to admit that Mike nailed me. A good caricature can take big liberties.

Above, another one by John. John has a theory that the best caricatures always provoke a "Yooooou f---er!" response from the subject. That's definitely how I felt, when I wasn't laughing. At least he gave me some male assets.

Haw! I'm guessing that the tiny cup and straw (above0 was influenced by the way my kid used to draw me. I love the soft, leathery upper lip, which is weighted down by buck teeth.

Now I ask you...do I (above) have a leathery lip? Hmmmmm....maybe I do. Anybody out there have some lip starch?

SECRET LIVES OF THE GREAT AUTHORS

2012-04-17T00:11:00.002-07:00

If you know someone who's in the hospital, or who's about to take a long flight somewhere, you could do worse than give them one of the books you see here. Nothing relieves boredom like gossip, and no gossip is more satisfying than gossip about the writers and artists who are held up as good examples to the rest of us.

I'm in a funk right now...no special reason, it just happens once in a while...and I'm reading "Secret Lives of Great Writers" to cheer myself up. I'm happy to report that it's working. Knowing that J.D. Salinger drank his own urine, and that Sylvia Plath had bi-polar disorder somehow makes me feel better, why I don't know.

Plath sounds like a monster. Her father was vilified in her famous poem "Daddy," but there's no evidence that he was anything worse than a little distant. He was a respected professor and etymologist, and author of a book called "Bumblebees and Their Ways." He died when Sylvia was only eight. She was so broken up over it at the time that she vowed never to speak to God again.

The story of how she met her husband, the poet Ted Hughes, is hilarious. Plath says she met him at a student party. Ted was a swaggering, macho-kind of guy and after only a few minutes of conversation he kissed her on the mouth and ripped off her hair band in a savage display of desire. Poor Ted was probably feeling good about himself at that point, but little did he know that he had one of the world's foremost man-haters in his arms. She liked him well enough, but not to be outdone, she "bit him long and hard on the cheek, and when we came out of the room, blood was running down his face." Their stormy marriage miraculously lasted seven years.

T. S. Elliot is described as a prankster who made liberal use of whoopee cushions and exploding cigars. Tolkien was a famously bad driver who frequently drove in the wrong direction on one-way streets. He'd attempt to ram other vehicles and believed that you could "Charge 'em and they scatter."

Toward the end of his life Sartre recanted virtually the entire foundation of his philosophy. He said, " I talked about it [despair] because it was being talked about; it was fashionable.....I've never experienced despair, nor seen it as a quality that could be mine." De Beauvoir disavowed her old lover's admission, calling it "the senile act of a turncoat."

Emily Dickinson was so reclusive that she forced doctors to examine her from behind a closed door. William Burroughs shot his wife while playing a game of William Tell.

Is all this true? I don't know, but these stories are making me well again.

AURALYNN LENDS ME A BOOK

2012-04-13T23:47:00.004-07:00

EXT. CARL'S JR.:

EDDIE (VO): "Good burger, eh? Now can I see the books you brought?"

EDDIE: "Holy Mackerel! You're lending me all these!?

AURALYNN: "I knew you'd like them. Look at the bottom one first, that's my favorite."

EDDIE: "Haw! Like it? I LOVE it! It's hilarious! Look at all those little guys running around on their heads!"

AURALYNN: "On their heads!??? Uh....I think you're holding the book upside down."

He turns the book around.

EDDIE: "Oh, right...okay....I'll just......"

EDDIE: "Alright, I see it now....yeah....here it is....hmmmmmmmmmm......"

EDDIE: "I don't git it."

AURALYNN: "Silly, it's not a joke book. It's a serious art book about the California Surrealists."

EDDIE: "Well in that case, maybe you should get your money back. Look at this picture....

EDDIE (VO): "....That's a Jackson Pollock if I ever saw one, but the book says it was done by somebody named Knud Merrild."

AURALYNN: "Well, yeah. Merrild invented the technique. He did that painting way back in 1942, before Pollock."

EDDIE: "I don't know, Auralynn.....anybody who would call himself 'Nude'......."

AURALYNN: "Er, that's "KNUD." It's a Danish na........"

EDDIE: "Whoa! What's this???!!!"

AURALYNN (VO): "That's The First Hypothesis by Charles Howard. It's considered a masterpiece of American Post-Surrealism. Howard thought the themes that European surrealists painted were too neurotic and sexual. He tried instead to paint a door into a higher consciousness."

EDDIE: "Hawhawhawhaw! Too sexual!? Hawhawhawhaw!!!!!

EDDIE: "Do you know what that hairy thing is on the bottom of the picture?"

AURALYNN: "Yeah, it's a symbol of mortality. Watch out! You don't want to get ketchup on the book!"

EDDIE: "Haw! Maybe ketchup would improve some of these pictures!!!!!!"

BAM!!!!!!!!!

NEUHART'S "SOLAR DO NOTHING" MACHINE

2012-04-12T00:20:00.000-07:00

Sorry, I won't be able to post again til late Friday night. I'm tinkering with an idea that requires more research than I can give it tonight. See you then!

BTW: The guy above is Neuhart, the designer who built the famous Eames House in the 50s.

BEATNIK GIRL

2012-04-09T20:47:00.002-07:00

EXT. BEATNIK COFFEE HOUSE:

BEN (VO): "So you're the new waitress. Your hair is really straight. You probably spent like hours on that."

WAITRESS (VO) (doesn't respond.)

BEN (VO): "Oh...I should probably apologize.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Um, I don't know why I'm apologizing. OK, I'm Ben."

WAITRESS (VO): (Silence.)

INT. COFFEE HOUSE

BEN: "Oh God, am I being creepy? I hope not. Oh crap! You probably want to run away."

WAITRESS: (Silence.)

BEN: "No, wait! Come to think of it, I don't care. I honestly don't care if it is creepy."

BEN: "And furthermore, f*** you if you honestly have a problem with honesty!"

BEN: "Let me tell you something....I'M NOT IN CONTROL OF THE TRUTH!"

BEN: "This is the world and I'm in it. And if I can't be honest about what I feel deeply inside of me then, well then...... f*** it."

BEN: "Er...can I say f*** around you? Do you care about things like...

WAITRESS (Silence.)

BEN: "What I mean is that if I can't be honest, and put everything I feel out on the proverbial table then I don't even care about anything anymore..."

WAITRESS: (Silence)

BEN: "You are so pretty."

BEN: "That sounds shallow but it's not. The only way I can convince you of anything is to say that I'm a VERY CYNICAL PERSON. I just DON'T CARE."

WAITRESS: (Silence.)

BEN: "I don't believe in love. I don't believe in 'meant to be.' "

BEN: "I honestly believe that there are like one hundred people. No. Like four hundred people are out there, who each of us could honestly marry. And we all just fall in love slash settle."

BEN: "But when I saw you. I dunno."

BEN: "I saw you buy a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and shampoo across the street, and my connection to you from that moment..."

BEN: "OK there is no way for me to convey this without sounding like someone I would like to murder slash report to the...OK this is going to sound like...urg....er......

BEN: "So....... I love you. Boom. I said it."

BEN: "Bye!"

..............................................................

Wasn't that a nice little story? I didn't write it, the honor of authorship of this little play goes to [Aaaargh! I forget the name!!!!!! I'll look for it, and fill this in later! I'll add the name of the book I got it from, too!] I just drastically cut it down and added bridges to smooth the cuts. The original dialogue was far better than my bowdlerized version.

The play is obviously a comedy, but it has something to say, too. We can talk about it in the comments if you're interested.

THINKING ABOUT VALLEY GIRLS

2012-04-07T20:10:00.001-07:00

There's (above) Moon Unit Zappa belting out her hit song from the eighties, "Valley Girl." I live in the Valley and can testify that lots of girls really did speak that way, in fact, a lot still do. I hear it every day. It may have been eradicated from the rest of the country, but embers are still burning here.

Here (above) Frank Zappa talks to David Letterman about how much he detests The Valley. Maybe "detest" is too weak a word...he was positively revolted by it. Geez, that's my home and a certifiably cool guy like Frank Zappa hated it. What does that say about me?

I notice that I say "really" all the time. That's Val Speak. And I confess that I buy half my clothes at The Gap, I wear New Balance shoes, and I get my hair cut at Supercuts. Does that mean I'm....(Aaaargh)....a Valley Guy? Years after everybody else abandoned Valley, am I still holding on? Am I........(GULP!)........unhip?

[The part of the video where Frank talks about the Valley is at 5:10 to 6:30.]

INT. RESTAURANT:

GUY: "There's Uncle Eddie worrying about whether he's hip again. What's with him? I mean, seriously."

GIRL: "Yeah, it's like bizarre. If he's so worried about it, why doesn't he buy some tight jeans and a lumberjack shirt?

GUY: "A lumberjack shirt!? Man, that's sooooooo mainstream. I was thinking more like a hoodie and a beanie like I have."

GIRL: "Yeah, and a beret and some Ray Bans and a cool tee shirt and a scarf. We should take him to Urban Outfitters."

GUY: "Uh....I don't think they let old dudes in there. They might have a heart attack on the floor or something. Literally swallowing their own literal tongue and puking all over. I mean, seriously."

GIRL: "EWWW!"

Well, that's it...no,wait! See what you think of this hipster video, courtesy of Jo Jo Baptista: