POOR MAN'S CHRISTMAS TREE

Some Christmas trees are...there's no other word for it...*g l o r i o u s*. Everybody should have a tree like that. It's better to have no presents and a nice tree than to have lots of presents and a crummy tree. But....well, this is has been a hard year for some. Maybe a glorious tree isn't in the cards for every artist this year.

I've never been in that situation, but every year I ask myself what I'd do if I was. The prospect doesn't scare me too much because I've always thought artists are immune to that kind of anxiety. I mean, if we had to we could probably tinker together a tree out of anything around the house. After all, aesthetic problem solving is what we do for a living.

I like what this artist (above) did. I'd add Christmas lights, though.

How about a tree which is actually a volumetric eight foot high Christmas girl (above) with lots of arms that are smallest near the top and largest near the bottom? You'd make her out of newspapers and keep her upright by attaching her to a nail in the ceiling.

Of course, anything that's conical could serve as a tree. I used to wonder if a funny tree could be made by making a teepee out of mops and brooms tied together at the top, bristle sides up. Once you have the architecture then you put Christmas lights around it and hang forks and spoons for ornaments.

Come to think of it, you could make a giant teepee frame using string spreading out from an overhead light fixture.

 If you were really radical you could dispense with the cone and hang Christmas balls from the ceiling.

Here (above) paper shredder gonk hides whatever funky structure's underneath.

Hmmmm...maybe this (above), I'm not sure.

Of course Christmas is all about friends and family. If you're a Christian it's all about the birth of Christ. The tree is just a symbol, but it's still important. It's a way to focus on the profound meaning of the year's greatest holiday.

CHRISTMAS GIFTS: ETHNIC CLOTHING

If you're lucky enough to live near shops that sell ethnic clothing (above) you might consider giving your significant other a folk costume gift. You don't have to buy the whole ensemble, just a nice element, something that looks good all by itself. 

Me, I think the Poles beat everybody in Europe, or at least they beat other women's designs. You'd never know it to look at the Polish girls in the picture above. They seem downright miserable. I wonder why? 

Here's (above) some Hungarian designs with a Gypsy influence. I wonder if traditional skirts were that high? Maybe they were.

This beautiful design looks like a synthesis of Polish, Russian and Scandinavian influences, so I'll guess that it comes from a place where all those elements merge, mmmm....maybe Latvia or Estonia. 

Boy, it's elaborate! Costumes like this were more common before The Reformation. After that designs were more austere.

Geez, one of the sexiest things a girl can wear is a simple white blouse (above).

Above, more white blouses set off with dark vests and embroidery. The country of origin? Maybe...mmmmmm...Danish???

So far as I can tell the best costume designs for men (above) come from German speaking countries. The problem is that they favor leather jackets and pants and those can be pricey and difficult to alter.

John gave me a whole outfit like this once. If I can lose some X#@%*& weight I'll wear it.

Fortunately Germans also make great woolen jackets and vests. The green makes a nice contrast with the red, white and black.

Now where do these (above) come from? East Europe? Armenia?

Above...Finnish?

Here's (above) a dress from Ireland. Wow, a nice blend of Celtic and Viking. I like the suggestion of lightning on the bodice. I don't know why, but the design reminds me that the true art of that country is storytelling.

There are lots of outlets on the internet (sample above) for this type of clothing. According to the ad embroidery is used as a protection against evil spirits.

PHOtOGRAPHY MODEL

It seems like almost everybody I know has gotten a new camera lately. A number of them will be at Steve's this weekend, showing off their new equipment and taking pictures of...well, each other, I guess. 

No, come to think of it, there will be one non-photographer there; Steve's housemate, Jo Jo. I guess everybody'll have to make do with taking pictures of him. That's kind of funny, because if you know Jo Jo you know that he never wants to have his picture taken. Never! 

Maybe his phobia is my fault. I bugged him and everybody else I knew when I was taking pictures with my old snapshot camera. What else could I do? I like taking pictures of people:

EDDIE: "Marge, when you scratch again, can you do it with your left hand?  And would you mind sprinkling a few paperclips on the desk? And there's a distracting fuzzball on your sleeve. Would you...."

So what'll Jo Jo do when a whole house full of photographers descends on him on Sunday? He'll probably try to hide, but I don't think that's gonna work.

Photographers are an intrepid lot.

They'll look til they find him.

Sneaking out to the movies won't help.

They'll find the theater.

They'll spare no expense. 

NO expense! 

They'll get him. They always do. 

And when they do..............

PHOTOGRAPHERS: "Jo Jo, you'd be more sympathetic if you ran with something in your arms...maybe a cat."

PHOTOGRAPHERS: "And comb your hair first, only don't make it too neat. It's gotta be believable. And can you straighten the pen in your pocket?" 

MY NEW CAMERA

That's Auralynn (above), taken with my old Canon Elph snapshot camera. It's nice isn't it? Auralynn is naturally friendly and cheery and the camera did a good job at underlining that.

I loved that camera, it just wasn't great for low light photography, so on Black Friday I got a new one...a later model of the Elph, the 510 HS. I'm trying it out now, and I have to say...I'm having trouble with it.

 For comparison, let's try similar shots with both cameras. Here's (above) a shot I took a few months ago showing Auralynn leaning toward my old camera. Wow! The skin tones came out perfectly!

Here's (above) a similar shot taken with my new camera...the same restaurant, roughly the same time of day. GOOD LORD!!! Look how grotesque I look!!!! Okay, I don't have Auralynn's looks, but I shouldn't have come off this bad. I look like a gnarly old bridge troll!

Not only that, but....am I imagining it?....no, I don't think so....the camera actually made me look a bit....evil. Can you imagine that? A little party camera that makes its subjects look like the Spawn of Satan!!!!

Here's (above) a new picture of Auralynn, made with the new camera. The camera did its best to make her look evil, but she resisted and won the battle...this time. I shudder to think what awaits in the future.

Here's Mike's lamp table, also shot with the new camera. I must have had it on the Bloody Crime Scene mode. Mike's figurines all look evil. 

Alright, I admit I'm not being fair...I just haven't learned how to use the camera yet. I hope that's the explanation. If it isn't I'll just have to reset and specialize in pictures of life's seedy underbelly.

CARL REINER: GENIUS

Here's Carl Reiner's pilot (above) for what would later become "The Dick Van Dyke Show." Poor Carl. The studio execs hated it. And justly so...it was just too generic. Fortunately Danny Thomas, who had his own production company, saw the potential in it and asked his producer Sheldon Leonard to give it a second try. That second try would make a BIG difference.

I thought it might be fun to compare the two versions. I'm cheating a little because I'm illustrating the second version with the seventh episode of the series just to make the contrast greater.


 
Here's (above) the way the way it looked after Leonard finished with it. He replaced Carl with Dick Van Dyke, brought in Mary Tyler Moore, Morey Amsterdam and Rose Marie, shot the series with a live audience at Desilu which used an innovative three camera technique, and picked powerhouse John Rich to direct. Carl was re-assigned as a producer, which effectively meant Story Editor with strong creative influence. Leonard saved the show.

 Now we all know Carl Reiner was an immense and flamboyant talent...look what he did with Sid Caesar...but when he had a chance to do his own show his own way he was strangely timid. He apparently needed other people to create an environment where he could come alive and be himself. That's what Danny Thomas and Sheldon Leonard did for him. They wanted to streamline the structure so Carl's personality could shine through, unencumbered. Wow! There were some good producers in those days!



One last thought: you're probably thinking that Dick Van Dyke and the rest of the cast were the true stars of that show, not Reiner. That's only half true. Somebody had to do for Dick Van Dyke what the executive producers did for Carl. Reiner made it possible for Van Dyke to shine. He gave Dick lots of physical shtick to do...more than any other sitcom would have allowed...and he carefully built up to the physical stuff so it would have maximum impact.

Take a look at the extended physical comedy in the scene above and remember...somebody had to allow that to happen. Somebody had to encourage it. Somebody had to give it context, so it wouldn't seem like a digression. That was Carl.

TOY COLLECTOR (PART II)

INT. MIKE'S TREASURE ROOM: IT'S FULL OF CARTOONY TOYS:

EDDIE (VO): "HOLY MACKEREL! I never expected anything like this!"

EDDIE (VO): "(Gasp!) Look over here! It's a Blatz Beer display! Why doesn't anybody make things like that anymore?"

EDDIE (VO): "And over here...Al Capp figurines! They must be rarer than hen's teeth! Mike, take a look!"

MIKE: "In a minute, Eddie. I need to pause to pay my respects to fine art." 

EDDIE (VO): "Whoa! A Davy Crockett hat! How cool is that!!???"

EDDIE: "Wait a minute! What's that, up there?"

EDDIE (VO): "Holy Cow! It's a cartoony Indian, and it's hilarious! If only you could buy things like that now!"

EDDIE (VO): "An Al Capp Indian! Ooh, my cup runneth over!!!!"

EDDIE (VO): "Yikes! Am I imagining it, or is the Chief smoking?"

MIKE (VO): "Sure he is! Lots of cartoon characters used to smoke!"

EDDIE (VO): "(Gasp!) And over there...it's Darn-Old Duck...and he's smoking, too! Waaaait a minute...that's a real smoke in his mouth! YOU put that there!"

MIKE (VO): "Busted! He just looked better with a cigarette!"

EDDIE (VO): "What the?....across the room...what's that figure on top of the heap?"

MIKE (VO): "Oh, I was saving that for last. Let's take a look."

MIKE (VO): "What do you think?"

EDDIE: (VO): "(GASP!) A thing of surpassing beauty. I'm awed."