Sunday, July 23, 2006
MY HAIR DYE STORY
You may have noticed that my hair is turning grey and that I haven't dyed it. I wouldn't be surprised if some generous soul admired me for being so close to nature as to allow my hair to take its true color. Actually I'm not close to nature at all and I'd dye my hair every day if I thought I could get away with it. I'm just not very good at hair color. One incident in particular turned me against it.
One day a couple of years ago my son told me that his girlfriend's parents were going to drop by for the first time. He naturally wanted me to clean the place to make a good impression. I thought fine, I'll do that, but first I'll dye my hair so they'll marvel at what a handsome, young-looking dad my kid has. I assembled all the paraphernalia in the bathroom and proceeded to apply the dye.
I was vigorously massaging the dye into my hair like the box said to do when I noticed that little dots of brown dye were falling into the sink and probably staining it. I didn't know what to do then it occurred to me to move over to the toilet and let the drops fall into that. Surely water and porscelin (spelled right?) would resist staining. I moved over and continued to rub the dye in, really energetically.
A while later I emerged from the bathroom all dressed, with my eyes closed and drying my hair with a towel. Just then the doorbell rang and I invited the visiting parents in. The two families assembled in the living room and a fun time was had by all.
After a while my son's prospective mother-in-law asked to use the bathroom and I pointed out where she could find it. She disappeared down the hall and everyone else continued to socialize. After a couple of minutes she appeared back in the living room only something was wrong. She looked sick as a dog. She was positively green and could hardly stand. Her husband didn't seem to notice and asked if he too could use the bathroom. He disappeared for a minute then came out a minute later even greener and more sickly than his wife. The two of them were in extremely bad shape! I couldn't figure out what was wrong. The couple made an excuse and practically ran out of the house into their car.
After they left my still and speechless family cast looks of disbelief at each other. I timidly looked into the bathroom expecting to find some dye implement that I might have forgotten to clean up. No, the room looked OK, or at least it did untill I focused on the toilet. There on the wall just behind the facility were dark streaks of brown emanating in an explosive fan pattern from the open toilet. It looked like...like... I can't bring myself to write it. I found myself turning green. Then I remembered that I was standing over the poscelin when I rubbed the dye into my hair. That was brown hair dye on the wall!
The couple never again visited us and my son and his girlfriend eventually broke up. Since then I've allowed my hair to take it's natural color. I'm frequently praised by ex-hippies for being so close to nature and so regally oblivious to what other people think. Actually I'm scared to death about what other people think. I just haven't the energy to retell the story again and again.
BTW, the girls in the picture are people I never met.
What a great story! Thanks for the smile!
ReplyDeleteyou always have the best stories!
ReplyDeleteYour life is such a riot!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteBy the way....
it's spelled PORCELAIN!!!!!
So...you won't dye your hair again because...
ReplyDelete--it might stain the wall around the toilet again and that might happen on a day your son brings the parents of another girlfriend over to meet the family???
I call it simple laziness, Uncle Eddie, it can't be anything else! And for the next time, a couple of tips:
-Don't vigorously "rub in" the color stuff at all. Just run your hands over it or gently comb it through. SLOWLY.
-Look all around the bano after applying the dye and immediately wipe off all surfaces(otherwise it'll never come off).
-go to a Supercuts or similar easygoing, inexpensive establishment and get a pro to do it for you for 30 bucks!
Good luck! Although I suspect that YOU really, really are a quasi-hippie individualist who cares not for the vanity of wordly mammon, but you're for some reason oddly ashamed of your granola-loving hippieness. Or is that hipness?
((What an odd ritual for this modern age, come to think of it: the parents of your kid's girlfriend coming over to meet you? In LOS ANGELES? Was it to make up a contract? Oddness!))
you've got to be kidding, I'm laughing so much I can't breathe properly! I'll never know wether you make up these stories or not, but if they are fake you're a genius!
ReplyDeleteThe very best stories are always true. BTW, Eddie, if you really want to get your hair professionally colored for a price that isn't ridiculously expensive, check out the Newberry School of Beauty on Devonshire at Balboa in Northridge. It's arguably a risk to have students work on your scalp while they're still learning (that's why discount rates apply), but people who swear by that place tell me that Newberry's students are skilled and they get in big trouble if they mistakenly dye your hair green.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: I'm sorry, I could never go to something called "The Newberry School of Beauty." I'm a guy, for Pete's Sake!
ReplyDeleteOf all the hair dye mishaps I've ever heard, that one tops them all! Freakin' hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the hippies when they applaud you for not messing with hair colour! I know too many people who fuss with it and it will many times make their hair look a lot older than it is. Maybe it's the shade they select or how often they use it, but I think lots of folks are better off without it. Especially young people--they're not gray at all but they overprocess their hair to death with the stuff.
It's not the grey hair that makes a face look old, it's the wrinkles. A wrinkled face and dark hair is a sure sign of a dye job, and when an older gentleman dyes his hair, it just makes him look superficial and vain. C'mon Eddie, you're a dude, you're allowed to grow old gracefully!
ReplyDeleteSenator: Ah demands, ah say, AH demands a price on Bugs Bunny's head. Noggin that is. That good-for-nuthin hare must die.
ReplyDeleteBugs: Hare! Die! Hair Dye! It's a joke, son. Ya missed it. Admit it. I'm too fast for ya!
Sorry, I just had to interject with that. ;)
Ive never been to LA but it seems like its more superficial than say your eastern or midwestern cities.. Is everthing so "image" based out there, that society encourages married men with children to dye their hair in order to be accepted by their peers? Isnt the whole upside of getting married to stop caring what you look like to a certain extent? I mean, you dont have to spend precious minutes everyday pampering yourself in hopes of finding that new love of your life, because you already have her. So Eddie, just go natural.. let your hair take its course, let your gut hang free, and just try to stay alive.
ReplyDeleteHa! Great story Eddie. Well, at least you have hair to dye...
ReplyDeleteRyan: Just make sure you explain your "License-to-Let-Yourself-Go" theories to your fiance the day before the ceremony. This would have been a terrific theory for the Theory Chair.
ReplyDeleteIf you have a sense of humor L.A. is a great place to live. I like funny cities. If I were ever to live in Europe I'd want to live in one of the cities Fellini and Wertmuller used to make fun of.
L.A. is a shallow place, by fundamentalist standards. The only sin in Hollywood is losing money.
ReplyDeleteEddie,
ReplyDeleteYou give the absolute best life gone awry stories in the whole wide world!
Vincent
Vincent: LOL! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteonce my sister and i tried to go Cherry bomb red (she dyed my hair all the damned time back then) and my hair is super thick. well we ran out of dye and it turned cotton candy pink and Sears almost fired me over it. i was 18. I was punk. Life was grande. except my hair looked like someone threw up Pepto Bismal all over my head.
ReplyDeleteYasamin: LOL!
ReplyDeleteThat's one of the best stories I've ever heard
ReplyDeleteMiss: You have a great blog!
ReplyDeleteClarke: Thursday? Maybe...it's too early to tell. Glad you're liking LA. I like this city a lot!