This is a story I've been dying to illustrate with drawings of my own but since that's not possible right now I'll let Norman Rockwell sub for me. Here's the story of ...
MY FIRST DATE
I was in 8th grade and I finally got up the courage to ask Patty Fulweider to go to the movies with me. She was a real nice girl from a good family: pretty and shy, even more shy than I was. Maybe it was her first date too. I don't remember a word of what must have been the excrutiatingly awkward conversation, I only remember how wonderful it was to be alone with a real live girl, someone with thin, tiny little wrists, a fuzzy sweater and a gold locket on an unbelievably thin chain. "Were girls really the same species as boys?", I wondered. They seemed so different!
Inside the theater we watched the movie while nervously shoveling popcorn into our faces. It was something to do with our hands and I wondered what we would do when the popcorn ran out. Really, I'd gotten much more than my money's worth already. Just sitting next to all that mysterious femininity was almost more than I could bear! Even so, I was curious about that other side of girls that guys talk about...the PHYSICAL side!
After about half an hour I made my move. I pretended to cough into my hand and instead of returning it to my lap I put it on the seat behind Patty! Painfully I inched it up to to the far shoulder of her fuzzy sweater and let it rest there. I half expected her to slap me but she didn't! I didn't look at her but I could tell she continued to stare rigidly ahead at the movie screen just like I was. I was in heaven! My first date and I had already scored a shoulder!
Now I was only in 8th grade and it didn't occur to me to push my luck any farther. After all, I'd already exceeded my expectations by a mile! I decided to revel in the luck I already had. Still staring straight ahead I squeezed the shoulder and sort of played with it a lot. I mushed it and puffed it up, I twirled my fingers in the angora, I grabbed it and sort of jiggled it. I was having a wonderful time till it occurred to me that you could never do any of that with a guy's shoulder. Guys have solid shoulders. This girl appeared to be boneless!
I was profoundly shaken! What this meant was that girls don't have the same kind of skeletons as boys! Their shoulders must have lots of little bones like boys have in their wrists. Why hadn't anyone told me this before!? I wiggled the shoulder this way and that and , sure enough, it was soft as soft could be. Finally I could hold it in no longer and I turned around to Patty to ask her to explain to me why girls don't have shoulders. To my amazement she was stiff as a board, staring straight ahead, and frozen out of her mind with fear. I looked at my hand and it wasn't on her shoulder...it was on her breast! I did what I'd call now a Tex Avery take and whipped my hand away like a bullet!I didn't know what to do so I did what she did and withdrew into myself, staring rigidly ahead at the screen for the rest of the insufferably long show.
I haven't the slightest idea what happened after that! My mind is a blank! Somehow we made it home, that's all I know! I don't know if I ever saw the girl again.
OK, that was my first date.
What was yours like?
I don't remember my first date, and I really don't want to either. Like all the others, it was probably awkward and led absolutely nowhere.
ReplyDeleteBut you sure made me smile and laugh with the telling of this little tale, and I really needed that.
So thank you, Uncle Eddie.
<3
An anonymous reader.
Holy crap. That was one of the best late night laughs in awhile. GREAT story Eddie.
ReplyDeleteThis story is boring, I'll tell you mine as it is a much better story.
ReplyDeleteI was 17, on vacation in Argentina and it involved a Japanese tourist and a pack mule named Rosa.
My first date involved going to a crappy rural town high school production of 'Crazy For You,' on a double date, when I was 16. It was with my first 'official' girlfriend, who had just moved down from Canada. We rode in the back set of my friend's Blazer, and I had never kissed a girl before... but we ended up awkwardly kissing throughout the whole play (in darkness), and the whole half-hour ride home (in darkness).
ReplyDeleteThat's all I remember about my first date. Making out for the first time. And it was ecstasy. Even though I'm sure I slobbered all over her dress.
As soon as I have one, I'll tell you all about it.
ReplyDeleteThat was a great story, Uncle Eddie! Thank you!
that takes GUTS, eddie! Great post.
ReplyDelete....oh boy. my first date, huh?
gee, Eddie, why are first dates so awkward?
mine defintely was. but i guess mine's worse. mine came when i was 18.
yikes. and i had none of that courage to play with shoulders niether.
i'm so embarassed now.
oh yeah! and i forgot:
ReplyDeleteHow'd the surgery go? How ya feeling, Eddie?
Well Eddie,
ReplyDeleteShe didn't exactly STOP you... so...no harm, no foul.
Your first date was in a Norman Rockwell painting? How did you get the museum to let you do that? ;)
ReplyDeleteMine was a bad movie...actually, a very good movie("Small Change", a Truffaut film"), but a very bad "date". Ugh. Let's just sat he didn't want to watch the film. I think I was only just 15..may even have been 14!
ReplyDeleteHe was...what? 17? 18?! Big mistake. First, I had to tell him to pipe down as he was reading the subtitles aloud at the start(oooh! the embarrassment)...I actually got out of a sure eventual mauling(he wanted to "drive up to look at the lights"--no, I'm not making this up) by using the old standard(for the first time, in my case): "I'm sorry, I have a headache...can I go home now? NOW?? NOW!"
He was good-looking but dumb as a bag of rocks and as I say, scared the bejeezus out of me.
Ha! That's a great story! I wish my first date had been that interesting. The guy had no interest in my shoulders. He ditched me after the movie to go play video games in the lobby.
ReplyDeleteHi Eddie,
ReplyDeleteMy hope, and I realize it is a slim chance that Patty will happen upon your post, and understand that you aren't the breast mun"nip"ulating monster that your blind and inexperienced phalanges purported you to be.
The horrifying part of my first date was that it was at the drive-in and my older cousin and her older cousin were buck naked in the back seat, grunting, groaning, flopping and clutching for at least a good solid six minutes of the movie. It really took the aura of innocence and joy out of my minor overtures toward this this girl "Cheryl" who for weeks before just the thought of her would make my eyeballs sweat.
Oh, as always Eddie, great story.
Vincent
HAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteSuuuure, Uncle Eddie...you thought it was her "shoulder". I've used that excuse to fondle women's breasts before too. You're not fooling anyone.
I only joke! Funny Story!
Did you find it strange that a shoulder had a nipple on it?
ReplyDeleteI like your latest posts Eddie, even if you're feeling crummy from surgery! I hope you're doing alright!
ReplyDeleteYour date story is great, as are the other ones people are writing up...very brave, eeryone! I'll add mine too! The first time I got asked out on a date and accepted was right after I graduated highschool, and I was taking a college art class. One of the art students asked me to go out bowling with him- just the two of us. But after he'd picked me up and we were driving to the alley, I spotted my (much cuter) friend on the sidewalk and stupidly blurted out "hey, that's my pal!" He sort of did a double take and stopped the car, and blinked at my friend stupidly. Then he asked if "uh, maybe...your friend would like to come along?" I didn't want to say no and look like a jerk, so I said ok, and she hopped into the car with us. Awful things ended up happening at the alley, but the most important part of the story is that the guy never bothered talking to me again. The end! Life sucks!
Hi Eddie, I really love your laugh on the commentaries you have with John Kricfalusi. It totally cracks me up.
ReplyDeleteBye the way,
I've just scanned in my hand drawn comic strips not long ago and I was wondering what you think of them, and possibly some tips if you could. http://muppetpro.tripod.com/ericworksinc/id22.html
Thank You Eddie,
_Eric
Bye the way, have you ever seen Ed Edd N Eddy?
Great story, Eddie!
ReplyDeleteOh Uncle Eddie that was a wonderful story! It was so sweet.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'll bite...I must warn you, it's a bit soppy.
My first date taught me to never judge anyone by their appearance or by their alleged reputation.
I was a sophomore in high school and only 14 years old, and the guy was a senior and 18 years old. This guy had a reputation for being bad news. People warned me about going on a date with him - including 3 teachers!
I never got to see the bad side of him. He was extremely funny, very kind and a complete gentleman. On our first date, he went in to meet my parents and was very polite to them. I have to admit, my parents weren't sure when they first saw him, but after talking to him for a bit, they really liked him. If he wanted to hold my hand or kiss me, he would ask my permission. We dated for a few months before he graduated. During that time, he never, ever took advantage of me. After he graduated, we lost touch.
-- J
The Only Boy that Broke my Heart/ First Date
ReplyDeleteBy Marlo Meekins from New Jersey.
at age 13, I ditched improv comedy 101 to meet Matthew Clark behind the gym.
This Italian big-nose rat-tooth boy was probably 3 feet tall...but damn he was funny! (i was gangly,and dressed oversized "grunge" style clothing)
We danced all crappy and we acted out weird scenes from weird movies. Which was fun! But then he goes, OKAY it's TIME TO MAKE OUT!
I felt horrified and not ready for this sort of thing, and while i was analizing the situation and scared out of my mind...
HE BIT MY NOSE!! HARD!! and tried to stick his hand up my shirt and i said NO !!!!!! and pushed him off and i ran home!!
He had Dawn Donia dump me for him the next day in homeroom. Bitch.
10 years later, my mom was at the grocery store where matt worked and he said, "i'm sorry i hurt your daughter"
HAHHAHAH!!!!!!
Love the story, thanks for sharing! Hope you're recovering quickly!
ReplyDeletehahahha great date story eddie i wish u a fast recovery
ReplyDeleteHi Eddie!
ReplyDeleteFantastic story - just great.
BTW - we met back in '84. You were working for DIC and I was going overseas on Kidd Video. We hung out during the week I was in L.A. I love your blog. Great stuff. Keep it up.
My first date spent most of the time talking about how much she loved her boyfriend and how she was sure that they were going to be getting back together soon. It hasn't gotten too terribly much less humiliating since.
ReplyDeleteJorge Garrido Is a Jackass....
ReplyDeleteHa! Jennifer and Trevour are the only ones who had a good experience! Everyone else had the same kind of awkward experience that I did! I like Spizz's reaction, "I'll tell you when I have one!"
ReplyDeleteKatie: I'm profoundly sorry to hear that you're thinking of discontinuing your blog. Checking FUNNY CUTE is one of the first things I do when I get up in the morning. I've gotten hooked on it and can't imagine doing without it.
Thanks for all the great drawings and good luck on your animation!
Yay! Stories! From lots of funny people- like you.
ReplyDeleteMine? Hmm...
My first real date was when I was 18, first year at art school. My friend from high school invited me to the radio station at his near-by college, and I stayed up all night during his show burning cd's I couldn't otherwise afford to buy (or find!) Anyway, one of the dj's was hanging out and kept talking to me- and we ended up leaving at 4 am to get food somewhere. We hit it off pretty well, but then asked me something weird, "how old do you think I am?" So I guessed, and I honestly thought he was around 25-30 (plus I found him at a freakin' college!) "Well, actually I am 38!" Jeeeeese!
There ya go Uncle Eddie!
Hey Eddie! Up until the boobs, your first date was almost exactly the same as mine!
ReplyDeleteI chose the quiet girl, me being quiet myself. It was eight grade. We went to a movie.
I pulled the class yawn-arm-around-her trick, but I forgot to do the yawn part. When I was a kid, I used to crack my knuckles when I was nervous, so every few minutes I would take my arm from around her, and I would crack my knuckles. It turns out that I kept accidently pulling her long hair every time, but she was too nice to say anything! It's been seven years since that night, which is just enough time for me and her to laugh about it together. We're still pals, me and her.
Now, I've had girlfriends since, but I don't think I've had a date since then. I'm afraid.
Oh, and Marlo's story reminded me of another embarrassing time with a girl... it was our fright make-out session... aparently, I can't tell the difference between a pair of lips, and a schnoze!
I can't believe I'm telling the blogging world this...
GREAT post, Eddie!
hahah super hilarious
ReplyDelete