No wonder so many thinking people read Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner... where else could you find a sure-fire method to get free meals for life? OK, here it is...From the hardware store buy a yard or so of transparent rubberized tubing (not pictured), the kind you wrap around naked wires for insulation. It only costs a couple of bucks. Run the tube down the inside of a long-sleeve shirt till one end peaks out from the cuff and the other end discretely peeks out of your open shirt collar. Now you have all you need to suck up the drink of the person beside you without being noticed. "OK," you say, "that gets me a drink but how do I get a meal?" Read on!
The meal comes to you courtesy of Extend A Fork (shown extended above), which is available from any fun shop. You probably saw them the last time you made a rubber chicken run and just never noticed them. It's a normal-size fork that telescopes out like a car aerial. You simply divert the attention of the meal sharer and feast!
The obvious question to ask is why, if the technique is so fool-proof, do I not take advantage of this meal-sharing technique today? The answer has to do with a tragic story regarding Mike Fontanelli. We were at a restaurant near Warners and I had my hidden straw in his tomato juice. Every time he took a sip of his juice he would return the glass to the same spot next to my "wired" arm. All was going well till he randomly put the glass down on the other side of his tray where I couldn't reach it.
I asked him why he put his juice down on that side and he gave me a strange look and said, "What do you care where I put my juice down?" I answered, "Me? Me!? Hey, I don't care! You can put your drink down anywhere you want! I'm just inquiring about the reason." Well, we bickered like this for a while and I didn't notice that a siphon effect was still operating and the tomato juice still in the tube was gushing out all over my white shirt. Eventually Mike saw the red stain on my chest and freaked out. He thought I'd been stabbed! He behaved nobly in my defense till he saw the fleks of tomato around the stain and did a double-take. You can guess the rest. Mike now always sets his drink down on the far side and has a wary eye out for the extending fork. Not only that but he warned everybody else. Alas! The well has run dry!
This post started off hilarious, but then you tell the story of how you actually TRIED IT. Man, that's pure comedy.
ReplyDeletePS: I'm going to try it.
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ReplyDeleteAll true, except - um, that wasn't tomato juice, Eddie!
ReplyDeleteLet's see - I remember my dog was sick at the time. (She'd come down with a raging case of bladder warts and dysentery, and developed a curious red discharge from the running sores on her anus.)
I was instructed by the veterinarian to collect a sample, and was transporting the container to the animal hospital when we happened to meet for lunch.
Gee, so that's what happened to the stool sample I was taking to the vet's?
And I always thought it just evaporated...
Hey I thought that was blood too. I was too distracted talking about my beautiful sister at the restaurant, that It took me a minute before I called 911!
ReplyDeleteEddie was saved by a Afro-american santa/jesus who happened to be shopping in almost-done Tower record who also happens to be doctor.
the end
8^B
ReplyDeleteMike, Marlo: LOL!
ReplyDelete8^B thats you
ReplyDeleteAnd here I've been using my telescopic fork as a back scratcher all these years. That explains the welts.
ReplyDeleteDamned Chinese instruction manuals...
Mike F.: Sincerest condolences to your poor dog vis-a-vis the anus thing.
Marlo: The little emoticon with the glasses, nose and buck teeth? Hilarious! When I realized what it was I almost dropped my coffee!
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ReplyDelete:D
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Uncle Eddie did you really try that with the drinking straw or are you putting us on? If it is true, I can only imagine the reactions from the other restaurant patrons.
The drinking straw bit is so outrageously juvenile, it has to be true. I only wish that I'd thought of it.
ReplyDeleteBack in my student days, we had a 'bit' that we always pulled on the grumpy guy who owned the local deli . We made up cards that read, "Congratulations! Your meal is on the house!" Every now and then, we'd pull a bunch of napkins from the dispenser, slip in a card and replace the napkins - knowing that in a few hours time, someone would claim their 'free" meal...
We was never caught...
The drinking straw bit is so outrageously juvenile, it has to be true. I only wish that I'd thought of it.
ReplyDeleteBack in my student days, we had a 'bit' that we always pulled on the grumpy guy who owned the local deli . We made up cards that read, "Congratulations! Your meal is on the house!" Every now and then, we'd pull a bunch of napkins from the dispenser, slip in a card and replace the napkins - knowing that in a few hours time, someone would claim their 'free" meal...
We was never caught...
Eddie did Dick P give you your present yet?
ReplyDeleteIf not boy are you gonna be excited!
W. C. Fields wrote that some words are just naturally funny. I think Fontanelli is one of them.
ReplyDeleteSee ya
Steve
See, Uncle Eddie, THIS is what I love about your blogs, man...only a CARTOONIST would have the stones to pull a "Barney Rubble" on ANOTHER cartoonist...and get busted for it!! (I'm surprised you didn't go in for a cheesy disguise, too, but that probably would have been pushing it too far!!)
ReplyDeleteI think I can remember that straw routine being performed by you (At Hamburger Hamlet? Halloween?) but I also have a vague feeling I may have dreamt it. Tell me Jerry Lewis didn't do it first! ; 0
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I live in Japan where telescoping forks are unavailable.
ReplyDeleteWe do have chopsticks the size of circus stilts, though.