I'm reading a few books at once as I always do. I'm still reading "Animated Man" and I just finished Mc Bride's famous (some would say infamous) book on Frank Capra. Here's one of the books I have on my bed stand: "The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Extreme Edition." Have you read any of these Worst Case books? Are they serious?
Here's (above) my favorite chapter: "How to Escape From an Angry Gorilla." The situation is that a gorilla has grabbed your arm. Maybe he's doing it to be playful, maybe not. There's no way to tell. You have no choice but to assume he's hostile. The book wisely advises the reader to be silent and act submissive. So far so good.Then the book takes a giant step. If submission doesn't work try treating the grab as a sexual (my word) advance by the gorilla. It almost certainly wasn't sexual but the idea is to plant the thought in the gorilla's head. It's as if you're saying to the gorilla, "Hey, big boy! I like you too. No need to get rough! Let's you and I go steppin'."
You groom his arm. Maybe the gorilla is starting to get hot and bothered. Hopefully this causes the ape to walk away in confusion. Hopefully. But what if he doesn't? What if he takes it seriously and...Ugh! It's too horrible to think about!
I hasten to add that the book doesn't mention sex. That's my interpretation...and maybe it would be the gorilla's too.
Here's (above) another chapter: "How to Survive if You're Buried Alive." Aaargh! How gruesome! The book advises that you only have an hour or two at most before the air runs out. What you should do is wrap your shirt around your head like a bag with a big knot on your forehead to provide an air pocket for your face. You then kick the wooden coffin lid with your feet. The weight of the dirt above will have weakened the lid and if you're lucky you might succeed in breaking it. Your main problem will be channeling the dirt as it falls into the container and you dig your way upward.
Does that seem realistic to you?
Oeeeh we had a Gorilla escape from the zoo and attack a woman just weeks ago here in the Netherlands:
ReplyDeleteAlong with the usual smattering of scantily clad ladies, a gorilla named Bokito is dominating the YouTube charts today with four of the six most-watched video clips of the day.
The 400-pound male somehow got out of his exhibit in the Rotterdam Zoo — something of a feat, it seems, since to escape, he would have had to scale a high wall and then overcome a gorilla’s natural lack of swimming skills to cross a moat.
Once loose, Bokito ran amok. He attacked a 57-year-old woman, dragging her several feet and sinking his teeth into her. Two other visitors were injured as well, as zoogoers sought cover, and a zoo employee was “suffering from shock after coming face to face with the animal,” Dutch News reported.
“Everyone was in panic, running away, screaming, wailing, screaming kids running around. It was a total drama,” one witness told NOS radio.
A group of people tried to barricade themselves inside a restaurant on the zoo grounds, only to watch in horror as the gorilla, its mouth “covered in blood,” bashed his way in through a glass door, according to BBC News.
That was where he was recaptured, though, when a zookeeper managed to sink a tranquilizer needle into him.
Back on Gorilla Island once again, Bokito has become a YouTube star. Most viewers are probably drawn to the when-animals-attack factor, but at least one video paused to mount a defense of the gorilla.
In that clip, a sappy song plays during a slide show of images from the escape, and viewers are exhorted about who is at fault. “One cannot blaim [sic] the gorilla for his behaviour. It’s not his nature to attack humans,” the summary said.
Also jumping to Bokito’s defense is perhaps the last person in the world that one might expect: his first victim. Though she suffered a crushed hand, bone breaks in her arm and wrist and dozens of bite wounds — injuries that have required two rounds of operations so far — the woman, Petronella Yvonne de Horde, said she is still a member of the Bokito fan club, which she joined when he was four months old.
“He is and remains my darling,” she told Reuters.
I like the illustration of the gorilla. Very yeti or wookiee like. Or perhaps even a bit Herculoidian.
ReplyDeleteMy friend had that book when we were younger. There is so much cool stuff in it.
ReplyDeletePetronella Yvonne de Horde could have achieved similar results by simply marrying a football player.
ReplyDelete"A group of people tried to barricade themselves inside a restaurant on the zoo grounds, only to watch in horror as the gorilla, its mouth “covered in blood,” bashed his way in through a glass door, according to BBC News."
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't want to come on to that gorilla!
That usually works whenever I'm attacked by gorillas..except I also slap 'em on the butt-cheek before I make my escape.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea what to do if I'm burried alive with a gorilla. I hope that never happens. Especially around dinner time (I have low blood sugar, and can get in bad moods very easily).
That buried-alive senario happened in Kill Bill (Volume 2). She didn't put anything around her head though. And she busted the coffin open by hitting the lid with her hand multiple times....then dug straight up, like Vincent Van Gopher.
ReplyDeleteQuentin Terantino should be buried alive with a sex-crazed gorilla.
Eddie, What did you think of the McBride book on Capra? The only book I've read about him was The Name Above the Title which presented a favorable view of him (of course!) but was very interesting. It gave a lot of insight into the way his mind worked.
ReplyDeleteMcBride just killed Santa Claus.
ReplyDeleteYou know, even if the gorilla does become aroused by your sexual advances, you shouldn't worry, as they have small penises.
ReplyDeleteYou may have been purely rhetorical when you asked if the Worst Case Scenario book (or books) were serious, but when they initially started with the first book, I believe they were indeed serious; it is just that no one ever took them seriously, so sequels and spin offs decided, at least to MARKET themselves as humor titles, and then increasingly were written with an increasingly tongue in cheek intent. But the first book was indeed a survivalist manual, even if the conditions were a bit too extreme to consider.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to know is, is the book supposedly a collection of Ben Franklins writings, going by the name "Fart Proudly", an actual collection of his writing, or a parody?
Ive actually tested out the last one and out of 30 test subjects noone managed to kick open the door
ReplyDelete>>Quentin Terantino should be buried alive with a sex-crazed gorilla.<<
ReplyDeleteAmen to that, brother.
Lester: MCBride's book is useful because it contains some interesting facts about how Capra wrote and directed actors but he doesn't understand what Capra accomplished and therefore doesn't ask the right questions. Mc Bride's smugness is really annoying. He seems to think great men are over-hyped phonies but biographers...ah, they're the true artists.
ReplyDeleteCable: A fascinating story, well told!
Shawn, Soos: LOL!
Anon: I don't think Franklin really wrote that but I have no evidence to back that up.
A book came out recently on the legend of being buried alive, and showed that in nearly all cases, it was exactly that, Poe notwithstanding. I believe the author was able to find exactly one case. Would you like the title?
ReplyDeleteI wonder if they have a chapter in this book showing what to do if your Mom catches you masterbating to porn in your room. There has to be instructions in this book to help you escape that! :)
ReplyDeleteCostello: Sure, I'd like to know the name. I might read it.
ReplyDeleteI heard of an incident following WWI where an soldiers graveyard had to be moved and the wooden coffins where disinterred. A lot of them of them fell apart and workers were astonished to see that about 5% showed signs of scratching from the inside.
It may be an urban myth and I can't remember where I heard it.
“He is and remains my darling,” she told Reuters.
ReplyDelete...& he was so apologetic the next day.
it's got a pocket for your face. i like that.
ReplyDelete