Tour Guide: "Did you know that every year hundreds of parents and children from local schools take the Theory Corner Tour? Here's the latest bunch, anxiously gathering up their cameras and autograph books as they pull into the parking lot."
Tour Guide: "The studio's all abuzz because today we're filming 'Halloween Story.' It's the scariest thing we've ever done here."[If you haven't read it yet, "Halloween Story" is the post beneath this one.]
Tour Guide: "The sets are massive! It takes rows of powerful arc lights just to make the the living room set look authentic. Wait, there's Uncle Eddie now! Maybe we can get him to say a few words!"
Uncle Eddie: "Hi kids! Boy, did you luck out! We're just about to film the climax of the story! You're gonna die when you see this!"a.JPG)
Uncle Eddie: "Here's Kali, the photographer! Hey Kali, meet your fans! She's really got a knack for horror! She's always saying, 'More extreme! Exaggerate!', and I do. Gee, I hope my mother doesn't see this stuff!"
Uncle Eddie: "OK, it's time to shoot! You kids stand over there, and don't touch anything! All right, gotta do my breathing exercizes...find my center...that's it...focus on the imaginary kid I'll be talking to..."
Uncle Eddie: "OK...... ready!"
Uncle Eddie "Sooooo little Trick or Treater, you want candy! Candy's all that matters to you, isn't it? I went to all the trouble of putting this bread and butter together but no, that's not good enough for you! It has to be candy!"
Uncle Eddie: "JEZEBEL! People like you give kids a bad name!
Uncle Eddie: "Here, I know you'd like this bread if you only tasted it. Let me cut a slice for you!"
Uncle Eddie: "I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!!!!"
Kid: "WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! (CRIES)
Uncle Eddie: "Huh? What? Hey, it's just a story! Aw, poor little kid! Here, take this lollipop! Er... maybe the tour oughta move on to the next thing."
Angry parents glower at Uncle Eddie as they pass.
Uncle Eddie: "Heh, heh...happy, um... halloween!"
Tour Guide: "This part's for adults only. Fans of Theory Corner know that we frequently have beautiful women discuss philosophy! We get into some pretty heavy stuff here!"
Tour Guide: "Theory Corner spares no expense to find women who actually like philosophy! Lots of times the discussion goes on for hours after the shoot. Sometimes...
Tour Guide: "AAAAAAAA!!!! Who let the little boy in here!?"
Uncle Eddie: "What's the matter!? Are you all right, kid!? Here. Put your head down, you won't feel so sick that way! You know, I know it's hard to believe, but someday you'll actually like to see women like that...honest! Trust me! Um...you're not gonna sue are you?"
Tour Guide: "Well, that's the tour! What do you think?"
Kids: "YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!
a new post? So you're not really leaving? hooray!
ReplyDeleteEverybody: Thanks for the kind words! I'll keep posting, I'll just take the advice of commenters and do it twice a week rather than every day. Please don't feel you have to comment on this or any other post if you don't have the time. I know people are out there now, so I'm not so insecure about it.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds corny to say it, but from the bottom of my heart, thanks for the encouraging words!
BTW, here's the post I had to take down. I had no copy so I had to reconstruct it. I don't think it reads as well. There's something about the freshness of a first version.
Does this mean that the going away party is cancelled? I put down a non refundable deposit on the stripper!
ReplyDeleteYour pal
Steve
P.S. NO! No Kliban for you, bad boy!
Well, thank heavens. :)
ReplyDeleteGod's in His Heaven and Uncle Eddie is back in his Theory Chair. Hallelujah!
ReplyDeleteYay! Eddie's back! There is a God!
ReplyDeleteAnd I second the advice about blogging less often. Twice a week would be plenty.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI can be specious again.
Interesting fact for you Eddie.
ReplyDeleteFor websites most viewed in the world, your blog,
http://uncleeddiestheorycorner.blogspot.com/
Is #288,020. (#1 is Google)
Millions of websites are made each month. In July 2.3 million more websites were made. You get a lot of views.
If you want to know any other blog or websites rank just say so.
Back? I've seen this post? I even have the first version sitting right in my RSS reader (if you'd like to check your freshness). Beware nasty nasty feeds. Just so you know, I really quite liked it the first time too. Please don't scare us like that again. We need you Uncle Eddie.
ReplyDeleteNow thats what i am talking about! Dont kill yourself with posts, Eddie, or they will lose the fun and create greater expectations from you which is death to any artist.
ReplyDeletePost at will. You will always have listeners and lurkers waiting and appreciative of anything you can muster up.
Cheers, ya sot.
EDDIES Back!!
Thanks for not goin away Eddie..
ReplyDelete"I'll keep posting, I'll just take the advice of commenters and do it twice a week rather than every day. Please don't feel you have to comment on this or any other post if you don't have the time. I know people are out there now, so I'm not so insecure about it."
ReplyDeleteSmart move, chief. No point of wasting a good candle, especially when it's recently put aflame; besides, I'll always look forward to your posts. And don't sweat it that you may get, say, five comments in the last 20 minutes, then, POOF! Nothing for the next 7 weeks.
Take me for instance. As far as I know, the only people who visit my blog are the ones that I inform about my history posts. But I don't loose sleep over it, just because no one had commented on it.
Then again, I'll never know if I had ever done a good job or not...
YAY! You brought the hilariousness back!! Thank the heavens!
ReplyDeleteI love you, Eddie.
That image accompanying "I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT!!!!" would be great for your blog masthead.
ReplyDeleteUNCLE EDDIE'S THEORY CORNER!
(image here)
"I know you're gonna like it!!!!"
That quote should go on the Uncle Eddie business cards, posters and coffee mugs as well.
And the world is a better place for it!
ReplyDeleteI can garantee you that if I had been lucky enough to stumble across your theory girls when I was a wee tyke I'd have had to put my head between my knees... to get the breathing regulated.
Good to see you are back, Uncle Eddie. Don't kill yourself over the internet!
UNCLE EDDIE IS BACK!!! And so, apparently, is Klibanonymous. :/ All reunions are bittersweet.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad our comments gave you renewed spirit, Uncle Eddie! Here's to the resurrection of the Theory Corner! "Sláinte!" *clink*
Great photostory! I read through the first version twice, and this one is just as good, especially that crying kid; he just cracks me up every time! Kids express their feelings with their entire body for maximum dramatic effect, like Greek actors!
Eddie
ReplyDeleteGlad to see that you're sticking around!
Maybe now that your only updating a couple of times a week you can begin the "Theory Corner After Dark" days!
Perhaps a Podcast with some cool lounge style piano playing, and Hot women giggling in the background as you pontificate on the latest theory.
I selfishly look forward to any free entertainment that you are willing to offer.
Your Theory Corner Fan,
James.
Hazzah! Hazzah! Hazzah! You're back. Thanks for hanging in there Eddie. I loved this post by the way. The crying kid... was a riot!
ReplyDeletePhew- For a moment there I thought I would have one less excuse to procrastinate! I'm sorry for being one of your many lurkers and promise to post my thoughts from the peanut gallery. If you're only going to post twice weekly I'll be glad to take what I can get.
ReplyDeleteahhh bollocks... I changed my mind Edward dear fellow please disist... is that how you spell it? Pack it in... i just realised I don't like this blog at all... me and my big mouth!!!
ReplyDeleteOnly joking eddie, take her easy don't spoil the proles too much you'll rot their teeth with your tastey bits. If you post once a week you will certainly lose none of your standing.
it doesn't sound corny at all, what is genuine can never sound corny
My absolutely brilliant and witty response to this photo essay has also been lost along with Eddie's original text. I can't be bothered to recreate it though, so you'll just have to take my word on how incredibly hilarious and satirical it was. Really, it would have put the writings of George S. Kaufman, Robert Benchley, and yes, even Garrison Keillor to shame. But thanks to one Eddie Fitzgerald my clever comment has been set adrift in the vastness of cyber space, never to be seen again in our lifetime.
ReplyDeleteSo thanks a lot, Uncle Eddie - I thought we were pals! Well, you owe me big time, buddy! Perhaps I can find it in my heart to forgive you though, if you send over several of your curvaceous PhilosoPets to my blog to indulge me in my desire for some deep thinking with those cerebral honeys.
Pete, Jorge: I feel horrible about deleting your posts. That's the way of the world. Your best work always gets deleted or left on the seat of a bus!
ReplyDeleteJeepers: Excellent idea! Theory Corner After Dark must see the light of night! I'm chomping at the bit to do podcasts!
ReplyDeleteMarc: "Theory Corner: I know you're gong to like it!" Gee, that's not a bad idea!
phew! so glad you decided to keep posting--im one of the many who visits your blog all the time without leaving comments-ill do better though i promise!! but your efforts are always appreciated here and i love your theories and humor!! thanks eddie!!
ReplyDeleteIt's great to hear that you've changed your mind.
ReplyDeleteWith two posts a week I'll probably comment more often. It'll give me more time to actually think your theories over well before commenting.
I'm happy your posting Eddie. I feel I would've lost a good friend without your posts. I've really gotten to know you through these posts in the past year or so. You've been very dilligent with them too and that's a plus. In some ways I feel you really deserve more than what you're getting. Post up a paypal account, how about that?
ReplyDeleteNot to insult John K or anything, but I read your site more than his, not that there's anything bad with John's at all. Have you also thought about opening a myspace account too? I would really love to add you on my friends list.
Hooray!
ReplyDeleteOh Uncle Eddie, yesterday you broke my fragile little heart into many many very small jagged pieces.
ReplyDeleteBut today you've managed to glue it all back together. Thank you so much for not abandoning us to the wilds of the internet jungle!
Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner rallies in the bottom of the ninth to hit a 2-out touchdown while simultaneously hitting the pin from outside the 3-point line and other such nonsensical sports nonsense!
ReplyDeleteI can take the black capsules from my mouth before they dissolve and put them back in th-
You could post twice a DAY, and I'd still read your blog.
ReplyDeleteGood to see you back Eddie!
ReplyDeleteAnd giving us a glimpse into the inner workings of theory corner magic as well.
*whistles*
Eddie: Glad to see you're going to continue and all that, but...
ReplyDeleteDid you clip your toe nails today or didn't you?
Best always,
Craig D.
P.S. If you ever want to "remove" a post in the future, just go back and mark it as a "Draft". That way with will disappear from your blog, but it will be saved in your "files" area, safe & sound, backstage! (Then just "un-Draft" it if you want it to re-appear.)
"Phew!" Glad you're staying Eddie.
ReplyDeleteBut does this mean you're not getting rid of the "philosophy girls"?
Hey Unk,
ReplyDeleteMy Google Reader seems to have maintained the text of your original post. Here's the fresh version:
{begin}
Tour Guide: "I'll bet you didn't know that the THEORY CORNER studio hosts thousands of visitors every year. Here's the latest tour consisting of kids from the local grade school and their moms and dads."
Tour Guide: "Inside the studio all is hustle and bustle as the Theory stage crew readys for the filming of a horror post called 'Halloween Story'."
[Readers who haven't read this story yet won't know what I'm talking about. Scroll down to the Halloween story post just before this one and read it before reading this.]
Tour Guide: "The set is massive. It requires rows of arc lights just to make the tiny living room set believable. Wait, there's Uncle Eddie now! Maybe we can get him to say a few words before the scene starts!"
"Uncle Eddie: "Hi Kids! You're just in time! We're gonna shoot the climax of the story right now! Here, let me introduce you to the photographer!"
Uncle Eddie: "Hey, Kali! Here's your fans! Kali's got a knack for horror photography! She keeps saying, 'More extreme! Go farther!', and I do. I just hope my mother doesn't see this stuff!"
Uncle Eddie: "OK kids, stand over there, we're gonna shoot now! Gotta do my breathing exercises...find my center...focus on the imaginary kid infront of me...OK, here goes...."
Uncle Eddie: "So little trick or treater, this bread and butter isn't good enough for you!"
Uncle Eddie: "I had crossword puzzles to do but no, I said to myself, do them later! I had toenails that needed clipping but I said no, another's need is greater than mine! This little child needs nutrition! I went to aaaaaaaalllll that trouble to make a meal and now you won't eat it!"
Uncle Eddie: "Let me cut a half slice then, I know you'll like it!"
Kid: "WAAAAAAAAAA! (CRYS)
Uncle Eddie: "Holy Cow! Are you all right, kid? It's...it's just a story! Here, have a lollipop! Awww, poor kid! Er, maybe you guys should take in the rest of the tour."
Moms and dads glower at Uncle Eddie as they pass.
Uncle Eddie: "Heh, heh!...er, Happy Halloween and all that."
Tour Guide: "OK, this room is for adults only. Occasionally Uncle Eddie does posts about beautiful women who argue about philosophy. You wouldn't think a thing like that would be popular but fans seem to love it. Here's the girls preparing for a philosophical discussion now."
Tour Guide: "A great deal of time and money is spent finding girls who really like philosophy. Very often the arguments go on after the shooting stops and....
Tour Guide: "AAAAAAAA!!!! Who let the little boy in!!!????"
Uncle Eddie: "Are you alright, kid? Put your head down, you won't feel so sick that way. You know, someday you'll like girls who look like that! Honest! Um, you're not gonna sue are ya?"
Tour Guide: "Well, that concludes the tour! Whaddaya say!? Did everybody have fun!?
Kids: "Yaaaaaay!!!!!"
{end}
I'm not saying this out of obligation, but I love your foomettis, spelling?
ReplyDeleteDo you board these first?
Thank God your Back!!!!
ReplyDeleteI was having heart palpitations just thinking about you leaving. Whew..I can ride a bike again.. by the power of Theory Corner!
Eddie - You can you anything off my blog for your posts, it would be an honor!
PS - The other post you were going to use was the one on vintage class photos here -
http://talesofwhoa-meat.blogspot.com/2006/08/piggyback-on-eddies-crowd-theory.html
Alright, the return of a classic!
ReplyDeleteIt's good to see the raw unflitered look at what it takes to make comedy gold. However, this backstage look does still leave some bruning questions?
How many millions of dollars is each thoery corner post budgeted at? Are are the stars paid the smae salary, or are there bidding wars and contract disputes? How can one meet the philosophy corner girls? Is it it jingle contest?
Eddie: That's OK, what did I right again?
ReplyDeleteRobert: Does your Google Reader have Eddie's legendary lost post: "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
Hey I did just read that you where thinking about stopping this blog, I'm really glad you didn't.
ReplyDeleteI really like to read you're posts about acting and writing. Especially because that I don't know anything about that sort of things.
You need to take a counter so you see how many people watch at you're blog ;)
As a kid I really was a fan of your cartoon with the crazy worm and the golf shoes. I really remembered that one good!
Keep posting crazy photo's!
Woo Hoo its back! I love this post and this blog
ReplyDeleteWha....? Hey Whaddayaknow? Eddie's back! Hey Everybody! Eddie's back! (kicks heels in air joyously, hoedown music begins playing)
ReplyDeletehuzzah, no end to theory corner!
ReplyDeleteThe Halloween post was scary enough - my poor heart can't take anymore! Phew! For what it's worth I've been reading this blog from the start but only posted for the first time this month - it seemed like a such cosy crew I was reluctant to intrude. Ooops - red wine on the carpet again, excuse me, I'll just stand in this corner quietly. Boy, this is great, look at all that fun stuff over there. Oh - my nose is running, where are my tissues -oops, damn, where can I put this glass?
ReplyDeleteglad to see you won't be leaving us, eddie!
ReplyDeleteThese pictures crack me up! I love the 2nd one with the teenager trying to pretend he's not interested..and those ones of you horrifying the children! Priceless. I am sleeping good tonight.
ReplyDeleteHey Eddie, this is going off topic, but I think this under appreceated Clampett cartoon might get your spirit alifted. It's entitled The Wise Quacking Duck .
ReplyDeleteI'm looking forward to your next post.
Later, from a wannabe cartoonist/ artist
Bruce
uncle eddie glad to see your staying. i do read your blog every day i can. your blog and john k's are the two i look to for advice on how to become a better artist. i wish you were still going to post everyday ut i guess i'll have to settle for the once or twice a week you've decided on.
ReplyDelete(hangs head in forlorn manner)
I'm so happy that you'll still be writing Eddie. :)
ReplyDeletewelcome back welcome back welcome back
ReplyDeleteI like how in the left of the "women in bras backstage" picture one girl's reading a book. In her bra. And somehow she looks like her lips are moving. Man, that's a swell picture.
ReplyDeleteEddie, Pete is joshing you. He's kidding. I'm sure he doesn't care a bit that his comment was deleted. If I can presume to speak for him.
ReplyDeleteI write this because I've noticed a couple of times where I've written similar comments myself and received a non-ironic, dry apologiy in reply from you, and I think ACK! he misunderstands me, oh nuts. Anyway, I thought Pete's lament was pretty darn good--don't you? Kaufman! : )
(see, one simply has to use the 'smilies')
I didn't even know you were almost going to end the Theory Corner until now. I feel kind of bad for not commenting on that "Goodbye" post. Anyways, keep on posting more of these great theories and stories (with more funny expressions).
ReplyDeleteYup, Jenny's right, I was joshin'. Uncle Eddie is my favourite uncle who isn't really my uncle and I would never say anything to hurt his feelings. Besides, I'm still hoping for a personal invite to the Theory Mansion so I can hang out in the "Think or Swim Grotto" with the brainy PhilosoPets (as I have unofficially dubbed them).
ReplyDeleteHere's a few smilies I found in my sock drawer that should help smooth things over...
:) :) :) :) :)
Hahaha Eddie, the context you put these photos into makes them so much more hilarious than they actually are.
ReplyDeleteFreckled: Thanks for the link and also for the permission. Those cards are great!
ReplyDeleteJenny: LOL!
Sean: Thanks for the idea, but I can't bring myself to charge. I might try to hawk a self-published comic book some time in the future, but that's about it.
Craig: So THAT'S how you do that!? Thanks!
Steve: Get rid of the philosophy girls? No, but I might send them to Pete's house for a while.
Robert: Many, many thanks! The first version was cruder but had more life!
Vincent: No storyboards, but that would have been a good idea.
Hooray! The villagers rejoice!
ReplyDelete