Here's a quick, un-edited video on the subject of bullying. I made it for LadyMaryJay who's a schoolteacher in the UK, and who works for an anti-bullying program there. I almost didn't put it up here because it didn't seem relevant to a theory site, but I changed my mind when I realized that coping with bullies is actually a philosophical problem as well as a practical one.
The video's over nine minutes long. I should have have said it much faster. Oh well, here it is....
I've found that bullies do what they do for one of two reasons: 1. They're trying to overcompensate for some sort of inadequacy (bad home life, low self esteem, etc.) or 2. They're spoiled brats who think they can get away with anything.
(Osama bin Laden falls under the second category by the way.)
I thinks something one should consider when approaching a bully. If he/she does it for reason #1, then trying to become that person's friend might be a better approach. Let those people know that they don't have to intimidate in order to gain respect. However, if it's reason #2, then yeah try and take them down a peg or two. They need to be taught a lesson.
The "art of bullying" certainly won't disappear ever. But, if we try to understand people a little more, we may be able to reduce it to a much more manageable level.
i wonder how many kids (now adults) entire educational lives would have been turned on its head if people had been given advice like this.
i absolutely agree. especially with guys. i've experienced and seen it many times where two guys will butt heads and then become friends almost the next day. it's gotta be something written in us.
man. you're one of those guys that i'd love to just sit near and hear speak, especially after hearing you speak.
I used to be bullied everyday when I was in grade school. I have a million thoughts about bullying and this video but I can't write it out in a way that reflects how I feel. But it was a good video (I did watch the whole thing) and liked it even though I don't agree with all of it.
I started making a reply to your Paris video but I can't think of an interesting idea so I shelved it. I'm gonna try to get my friend, who's the polar opposite of me (she's happy, bubbly, caring and optimistic while I'm pissed off and serious all the time), to make one with me so we play off each others' personalities. Failing that, I'll make a solo video if I can think of an interesting idea.
Keep 'em coming, these videos are great! I liked the poetry video Kali posted, too.
Eddie, is it true that Steve and John used to steal your lunch money before Ralph stuffed you into a locker wearing only your boxer shorts? It's okay, Eddie, you can talk about it - you're among friends now. You obviously are in need of closure on these traumatic feelings...
Well jeez, I wish you could have told me that four or five years ago! I've put up with my fair share of crap throughout school and avoided fights at all costs 'cause I was a wimp and knew I'd lose, but you give a good arguement FOR losing. You might have a point.
First, Great advice. I really only had trouble with bullies for the first four years of school. The first was in second grade, with this kid named Paul, who was two heads taller than the every other kid in our grade. I don't know if he had been held back or was just unnaturally big for his age. Anyway he decided that he was going to kick my ass, at made this fact known to me and every one within ear shot. At recess, I was going to be pummeled. So I was left to sit there and sweat for almost two hours worrying about my fate. At the bell I was out of my seat and hit the ground running, with giant Paul right on my tail. I continued my my flight twice around the black top and then out and across the track field. Until I knew I would drop. At tha point I slammed on the brakes turned to face my pursuer,. As he slid to a stop I kicked him just as hard as I possibly could. Landing my desert boot directly into his crotch. He went down like sack of whatever you'd care name and writhed in the dirt for a full three minutes. I asked if he was okay. He squeaked out a yes, and to my amazement, struggled to his feet held out his right hand and said"Friends?" I took shook his hand and we were firends for the rest of that year. We moved to a small town during the next summer and I never saw him again.
First off, love your blog...been lurking since its inception. I think your advice for bullying is okay for isolated incidents; the one on one, one-off, maverick bully but how does a little kid know the difference between the "psycho" bully and the guy just throwing his weight around? The other form of bullying that is not addressed is the sort of mob bullying where even "nice" kids are part of the bullying group. This can continue day in and day out for years and can be very subtle. I'm talking about how the bullied kid is a kid who finds himself for whatever reason on the outs. Maybe he is socially inept or small for his age or peed his pants in kindergarten and the incident has followed him to grade 8. One interesting explanation of how some male bullies originate I saw years ago in a TV newsmagazine program talking about emotional intelligence. When there is an absence of a father figure, even emotionally, the boy tends to over compensate his masculinity becoming hyper-masculine in behavior, feeling that violence makes him a man. I am paraphrasing between the years ,of course. They found too that dad rough-playing (play-fighting, wrestling, tickling) with kids was good because it was a practical experience in learning limits to being physically aggressive. The bullies without the dad didn't get that. Of course there are still bullies from so-called good families too.
First off, love your blog...been lurking since its inception. I think your advice for bullying is okay for isolated incidents; the one on one, one-off, maverick bully but how does a little kid know the difference between the "psycho" bully and the guy just throwing his weight around? The other form of bullying that is not addressed is the sort of mob bullying where even "nice" kids are part of the bullying group. This can continue day in and day out for years and can be very subtle. I'm talking about how the bullied kid is a kid who finds himself for whatever reason on the outs. Maybe he is socially inept or small for his age or peed his pants in kindergarten and the incident has followed him to grade 8. One interesting explanation of how some male bullies originate I saw years ago in a TV newsmagazine program talking about emotional intelligence. When there is an absence of a father figure, even emotionally, the boy tends to over compensate his masculinity becoming hyper-masculine in behavior, feeling that violence makes him a man. I am paraphrasing between the years ,of course. They found too that dad rough-playing (play-fighting, wrestling, tickling) with kids was good because it was a practical experience in learning limits to being physically aggressive. The bullies without the dad didn't get that. Of course there are still bullies from so-called good families too.
Group bullying is used as a test to see if a kid is tough enough to join their group. If a kid proves himself by standing up to the bullying they get to join.
If you join the group you're okay, but if you deny their invitation your bullying will continue and will probably get worse, because now you're seen as a threat by the leaders of the group.
This goes on in prisons and I think groups of chimpanzees do it too.
Uncle Eddie, I LOVED this video ! I was picked on at school and I didn't know how to deal with it. I really whish I saw this when I was in the 7th grade, it would have helped me alot.
Your video was great!! I have a million thoughts about it that I want to get out, but there's no way to write it all here.
But first off, I'm really curious to hear more of what you think about these "psychopath bullies." Recently I've been (literally) OBSESSED with people who are psychopaths/sociopaths. It's such a horrible and scary idea that there are some people who just don't share the ability to have morals...
Also, I don't want to go on about it here, but I want to discuss boy bullies versus girl bullies with you sometime! They're really different in a lot of ways!
When my oldest kid was 6, I told him that when he was being attacked, by a bully at his school, he should hit the bully in the nose as many times as he could...... Apparently, he did this and the kid screamed bloody murder. The next thing you know I was down at the school with my wife and the teacher. They both told me I was an idiot. I just wanted to share that.
If single moms mess up in helping boys deal with bullies, it's probably by trying to console him with: "Violence never solved anything", "2 wrongs don't make a right" or "Scratch a bully, you'll find a coward." All of these statements are transparent nonsense. Bullies typically have a great deal of self-esteem. I grew up near a boy's orphanage & it seemed to me that a kid with low self-esteem would usually only fight when his esteem is under attack.
It may be the last thing a boy wants to hear, but you really have to stand up to a bully. A bully has one moral virtue. He's brave. If you can stand up to him, even if it means taking a few punches, you'll show him & the other kids that you're brave and just. You don't have to win to gain their respect.
Maybe it's different today, but I don't remember anyone needing to go to the hospital from a schoolyard fight. Being beat up by a ten-year-old is never as bad as it seems to an imaginative child & just like anything new, once you've experienced it, it's never as scary again. When I was bullied as a kid, nothing ever hurt as much as my feelings.
I have an affliction which Sue Kroyer used to call "the imp of the perverse." In 3rd grade we had a group of bullies. The chief bully's first henchman was in my class. He was a scary hulk of an 8-year-old. He wore black stovepipe pants, black pointy hood boots with Cuban heels & an elaborate waterfall pompador full of Vaseline. One day in the library, I saw him lean forward on his elbows to look at something across the table. His ass rose just an inch & a half from his chair & before I could stop myself, the imp pulled his chair out from under him. He went down hard & I still remember the rage on his face as he looked up at me & said "I'm gonna' smash you after school." I did my best to laugh along with the rest of the class, but my mouth was dry & my vision was tunneling out from raw fear. That was the longest afternoon of my life. Finally 3:30 arrived; the hour of my execution. As I walked out the back of the school, I was scarcely aware of my body. Everyone was watching my face as though memorising it for later comparison. The crowd parted & the angel of death emerged. As the crowd chanted "Fight, fight!", he walked up to me & I was startled to see fear in his eyes. He pushed me & I pushed him back & then it occurred to me that he'd been stewing all afternoon wondering why I (whose reputation rested on imitating Big Daddy Roth) had pulled a bully's chair out from under him. I punched him a couple of times & he backed down & left. It was a revelation.
Boys have an autonomous society which conforms to the needs & future responsibilities of males. If you can express this culture in cartoons, you are a valued member of society because you can't get genuine boy culture on TV. To rat somebody out to an adult authority is to retire from kid society & regress to babyhood.
Girl bullying is way too complex & cerebral for me but I can recommend a good book called "Odd Girl Out". Thank God it doesn't work on boys.
I really wish someone told me this as a kid... I was bullied as a kid/teenager and I sat around and took it like a coward. I think it made me a hateful, spiteful adult that still wishes the worst for my attackers. That means you Jerome Jackson!
Your so positive! Its great!! :)
ReplyDeleteEddie wants to help the children. But what about adult bullies? Hahaha...
ReplyDeleteHello Eddie, I am an avid reader of your blog and love it. I enjoyed your advice on bullies. It's all so true.
ReplyDeletethis is just like hangin' out! awesome
ReplyDeleteyay Uncle Eddie!!
ReplyDeleteI've found that bullies do what they do for one of two reasons: 1. They're trying to overcompensate for some sort of inadequacy (bad home life, low self esteem, etc.) or 2. They're spoiled brats who think they can get away with anything.
ReplyDelete(Osama bin Laden falls under the second category by the way.)
I thinks something one should consider when approaching a bully. If he/she does it for reason #1, then trying to become that person's friend might be a better approach. Let those people know that they don't have to intimidate in order to gain respect. However, if it's reason #2, then yeah try and take them down a peg or two. They need to be taught a lesson.
The "art of bullying" certainly won't disappear ever. But, if we try to understand people a little more, we may be able to reduce it to a much more manageable level.
i wonder how many kids (now adults) entire educational lives would have been turned on its head if people had been given advice like this.
ReplyDeletei absolutely agree. especially with guys. i've experienced and seen it many times where two guys will butt heads and then become friends almost the next day. it's gotta be something written in us.
man. you're one of those guys that i'd love to just sit near and hear speak, especially after hearing you speak.
I used to be bullied everyday when I was in grade school. I have a million thoughts about bullying and this video but I can't write it out in a way that reflects how I feel. But it was a good video (I did watch the whole thing) and liked it even though I don't agree with all of it.
ReplyDeleteI started making a reply to your Paris video but I can't think of an interesting idea so I shelved it. I'm gonna try to get my friend, who's the polar opposite of me (she's happy, bubbly, caring and optimistic while I'm pissed off and serious all the time), to make one with me so we play off each others' personalities. Failing that, I'll make a solo video if I can think of an interesting idea.
Keep 'em coming, these videos are great! I liked the poetry video Kali posted, too.
Eddie, is it true that Steve and John used to steal your lunch money before Ralph stuffed you into a locker wearing only your boxer shorts? It's okay, Eddie, you can talk about it - you're among friends now. You obviously are in need of closure on these traumatic feelings...
ReplyDeleteWell jeez, I wish you could have told me that four or five years ago! I've put up with my fair share of crap throughout school and avoided fights at all costs 'cause I was a wimp and knew I'd lose, but you give a good arguement FOR losing. You might have a point.
ReplyDeletewhat marlo said, this post are pretty good uncle eddie.
ReplyDeleteFirst, Great advice.
ReplyDeleteI really only had trouble with bullies for the first four years of school.
The first was in second grade, with this kid named Paul, who was two heads taller than the every other kid in our grade. I don't know if he had been held back or was just unnaturally big for his age. Anyway he decided that he was going to kick my ass, at made this fact known to me and every one within ear shot. At recess, I was going to be pummeled.
So I was left to sit there and sweat for almost two hours worrying about my fate.
At the bell I was out of my seat and hit the ground running, with giant Paul right on my tail. I continued my my flight twice around the black top and then out and across the track field. Until I knew I would drop. At tha point I slammed on the brakes turned to face my pursuer,. As he slid to a stop I kicked him just as hard as I possibly could. Landing my desert boot directly into his crotch. He went down like sack of whatever you'd care name and writhed in the dirt for a full three minutes. I asked if he was okay. He squeaked out a yes, and to my amazement, struggled to his feet held out his right hand and said"Friends?" I took shook his hand and we were firends for the rest of that year. We moved to a small town during the next summer and I never saw him again.
om
ReplyDeleteFirst off, love your blog...been lurking since its inception.
ReplyDeleteI think your advice for bullying is okay for isolated incidents; the one on one, one-off, maverick bully
but how does a little kid know the difference between the "psycho" bully and the guy just throwing his weight around?
The other form of bullying that is not addressed is the sort of mob bullying where even "nice" kids are part of the bullying group. This can continue day in and day out for years and can be very subtle. I'm talking about how the bullied kid is a kid who finds himself for whatever reason on the outs. Maybe he is socially inept or small for his age or peed his pants in kindergarten and the incident has followed him to grade 8.
One interesting explanation of how some male bullies originate I saw years ago in a TV newsmagazine program talking about emotional intelligence. When there is an absence of a father figure, even emotionally, the boy tends to over compensate his masculinity becoming hyper-masculine in behavior, feeling that violence makes him a man. I am paraphrasing between the years ,of course. They found too that dad rough-playing (play-fighting, wrestling, tickling) with kids was good because it was a practical experience in learning limits to being physically aggressive. The bullies without the dad didn't get that. Of course there are still bullies from so-called good families too.
First off, love your blog...been lurking since its inception.
ReplyDeleteI think your advice for bullying is okay for isolated incidents; the one on one, one-off, maverick bully
but how does a little kid know the difference between the "psycho" bully and the guy just throwing his weight around?
The other form of bullying that is not addressed is the sort of mob bullying where even "nice" kids are part of the bullying group. This can continue day in and day out for years and can be very subtle. I'm talking about how the bullied kid is a kid who finds himself for whatever reason on the outs. Maybe he is socially inept or small for his age or peed his pants in kindergarten and the incident has followed him to grade 8.
One interesting explanation of how some male bullies originate I saw years ago in a TV newsmagazine program talking about emotional intelligence. When there is an absence of a father figure, even emotionally, the boy tends to over compensate his masculinity becoming hyper-masculine in behavior, feeling that violence makes him a man. I am paraphrasing between the years ,of course. They found too that dad rough-playing (play-fighting, wrestling, tickling) with kids was good because it was a practical experience in learning limits to being physically aggressive. The bullies without the dad didn't get that. Of course there are still bullies from so-called good families too.
Group bullying is a different beast.
ReplyDeleteGroup bullying is used as a test to see if a kid is tough enough to join their group. If a kid proves himself by standing up to the bullying they get to join.
If you join the group you're okay, but if you deny their invitation your bullying will continue and will probably get worse, because now you're seen as a threat by the leaders of the group.
This goes on in prisons and I think groups of chimpanzees do it too.
Uncle Eddie, I LOVED this video ! I was picked on at school and I didn't know how to deal with it. I really whish I saw this when I was in the 7th grade, it would have helped me alot.
ReplyDeleteHi Eddie!!
ReplyDeleteYour video was great!! I have a million thoughts about it that I want to get out, but there's no way to write it all here.
But first off, I'm really curious to hear more of what you think about these "psychopath bullies." Recently I've been (literally) OBSESSED with people who are psychopaths/sociopaths. It's such a horrible and scary idea that there are some people who just don't share the ability to have morals...
Also, I don't want to go on about it here, but I want to discuss boy bullies versus girl bullies with you sometime! They're really different in a lot of ways!
When my oldest kid was 6, I told him that when he was being attacked, by a bully at his school, he should hit the bully in the nose as many times as he could......
ReplyDeleteApparently, he did this and the kid screamed bloody murder. The next thing you know I was down at the school with my wife and the teacher. They both told me I was an idiot. I just wanted to share that.
Nice blog, by the way.
-Jake-
If single moms mess up in helping boys deal with bullies, it's probably by trying to console him with:
ReplyDelete"Violence never solved anything",
"2 wrongs don't make a right" or "Scratch a bully, you'll find a coward."
All of these statements are transparent nonsense. Bullies typically have a great deal of self-esteem. I grew up near a boy's orphanage & it seemed to me that a kid with low self-esteem would usually only fight when his esteem is under attack.
It may be the last thing a boy wants to hear, but you really have to stand up to a bully. A bully has one moral virtue. He's brave. If you can stand up to him, even if it means taking a few punches, you'll show him & the other kids that you're brave and just. You don't have to win to gain their respect.
Maybe it's different today, but I don't remember anyone needing to go to the hospital from a schoolyard fight. Being beat up by a ten-year-old is never as bad as it seems to an imaginative child & just like anything new, once you've experienced it, it's never as scary again. When I was bullied as a kid, nothing ever hurt as much as my feelings.
I have an affliction which Sue Kroyer used to call "the imp of the perverse." In 3rd grade we had a group of bullies. The chief bully's first henchman was in my class. He was a scary hulk of an 8-year-old. He wore black stovepipe pants, black pointy hood boots with Cuban heels & an elaborate waterfall pompador full of Vaseline. One day in the library, I saw him lean forward on his elbows to look at something across the table. His ass rose just an inch & a half from his chair & before I could stop myself, the imp pulled his chair out from under him. He went down hard & I still remember the rage on his face as he looked up at me & said "I'm gonna' smash you after school." I did my best to laugh along with the rest of the class, but my mouth was dry & my vision was tunneling out from raw fear. That was the longest afternoon of my life. Finally 3:30 arrived; the hour of my execution. As I walked out the back of the school, I was scarcely aware of my body. Everyone was watching my face as though memorising it for later comparison. The crowd parted & the angel of death emerged. As the crowd chanted "Fight, fight!", he walked up to me & I was startled to see fear in his eyes. He pushed me & I pushed him back & then it occurred to me that he'd been stewing all afternoon wondering why I (whose reputation rested on imitating Big Daddy Roth) had pulled a bully's chair out from under him. I punched him a couple of times & he backed down & left. It was a revelation.
Boys have an autonomous society which conforms to the needs & future responsibilities of males. If you can express this culture in cartoons, you are a valued member of society because you can't get genuine boy culture on TV. To rat somebody out to an adult authority is to retire from kid society & regress to babyhood.
Girl bullying is way too complex & cerebral for me but I can recommend a good book called "Odd Girl Out". Thank God it doesn't work on boys.
I really wish someone told me this as a kid...
ReplyDeleteI was bullied as a kid/teenager and I sat around and took it like a coward. I think it made me a hateful, spiteful adult that still wishes the worst for my attackers. That means you Jerome Jackson!