BOY, I LOVE THIS LANGUAGE!

I've said it before, but it bears repeating...man, when you undertake to speak and write in English, you really are picking up a Strativarius. This language is a fine instrument, arguably just as expressive now as it was in Shakespeare's time. There's a lot of fine modern examples. Here's a few, taken from an internet monologue site. The first is from a TV script written by Stephen Fry (below):


"I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player, who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time, I think it was safe to say that I'd never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me, because, of course, you see, I am lovely, in a fluffy, moist kind of a way.

I walk, let's be splendid about this, in a lightly-scented cloud of gorgeousness that isn't a far shot from being quite simply terrific. The secret to smooth, almost shiny loveliness, of the order which we are discussing in this simple, frank, creamy-soft way doesn't reside in oils, unduants, balms, ointments, astringments, creams, milks, moisturizers, linaments, lubricants, embracants or bolsoms, to be simply divine for just one noble moment; it resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one's attitude of mind. To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with mounting heat and passion because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it. That's the secret really."

Wow! That's over-the-top gay English raised to the level of fine art! I love lines like, "I walk, let's be splendid about this, in a lightly-scented cloud of gorgeousness, that isn't a far shot from being simply terrific!" Of course a good English sentence doesn't have to be fluff. How about this (below) from "There Will Be Blood"?



Plainview: "Ladies and gentlemen... I've traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it's paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen... if I say I'm an oil man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you're not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to drill your lots, maybe one in twenty will be oilmen; the rest will be speculators-men trying to get between you and the oilmen-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has money, and means to drill, he'll maybe known nothing about drilling and he'll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you're depending on a contractor that's trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. This is the way this works."

Man: "What is your offer? We're wasting time."

Plainview: "I do my own drilling and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work. I don't lose my tools in the hole and spend months fishing for them; I don't botch the cementing off and let water in the hole and ruin the whole lease. I'm a family man- I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Plainview. We offer you the bond of family that very few oilmen can understand. I'm fixed like no other company in this field and that's because my Coyote Hills well has just come in. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can load a rig onto trucks and have them here in a week. I have business connections so I can get the lumber for the derrick; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start drilling and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there..."

Holy Mackerel!..a plain, blunt style, emphasizing harsh consonants and delivered in a battering ram rhythm! Veeery nice!!!!


Talking about rhythm, what do you think of this passage (below) from "How To Get Ahead in Advertising"? I've already posted the relevant clip from the film elsewhere, but thanks to the monologue site I have a printed transcription this time, and it's revelatory! What do you think?.........


Dennis Dimbleby Bagley: "Let me try and clarify some of this for you. Best Company Supermarkets are not interested in selling wholesome foods, they are not worried about the nation's health. What is concerning them, is that the nation appears to be getting worried about its health, and THAT is what's worrying BestCo, because BestCo wants to go on selling them what it always has, i.e. the white breads, baked beans, canned foods, and that suppurating, fat squirting little heart attack traditionally known as the British sausage. So, how can we help them with that? Clearly, we are looking for a label. We need a label brimming with health, and everything from a nosh pot to a white sliced will wear one with pride. And although I'm aware of the difficulties of coming to terms with this, it must be appreciated from the beginning that even the nosh pot must be low in something, and if it isn't, it must be high in something else, and that is it's health giving ingredient we will sell. Which brings me to my final question: Who are we trying to sell this to? Answer: We are trying to sell this to the archetypal average housewife, she who fills her basket. What you have here is a 22 year old pretty girl - what you need is a taut slob, something on foot deodorizers, in a brassiere." (laughter)

Student: "I'm not quite sure I can go along with that Mr Bagley, I mean if you look at, like, the market research..."

Bagley: "I don't need to look at the market research, I've lived with thirteen and a half million housewives for fifteen years and I know everything about them. She's 37 years old, she has 2.3 children, 1.6 of which will be girls. She uses 16 feet 6 inches of toilet tissue a week, and fucks no more than 4.2 times a month. She has 7 radiators, and is worried about her weight, which is why we have her on a diet. And because we have her on a diet, we also encourage her to reward herself with the little treats, and she deserves them, cause anyone existing on 1200 calories of artificial synthetic orange-flavoured waffle a day, deserves a little treat. We know it's naughty but you do deserve it, go on darling swallow a bun! And she does. And the instant she does, the guilt cuts in. So here we are again with our diet. It's a vicious but quite wonderful circle, and it adheres to only one rule: whatever it is, sell it. And if you want to stay in advertising, by God you'd better learn that!"

Bruce Robinson, the writer of these words, is clearly a genius. Of course, I have to say that this example sounds as gay as the Fry piece. Somehow gays managed to figure out how the language works while everyone else was struggling with it. How did that happen? My guess is that English works best when it's pushed and caricatured. Gays had a playful attitude toward the language and they reaped the benefits.

Here's a link to the YouTube version of the How to Get Ahead scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCxVUsMsWLw