Boy, there sure are a lot of curmudgeons (above) out there! The whole idea of Christmas infuriates them!
Curmudgeons are organizing (above)! One of my favorite Christmas pastimes used to be needling curmudgeons and trying to make them feel guilty, but It's getting hard to do that now. They're fighting back. I read in a magazine that they even wear buttons with sayings like, "I'm not cheap, I'm principled!"
They circulate weird Christmas cards with pictures of armed animals, who intend to shoot down Santa.
Geez, poor Santa's going to have a rough time getting through this year.
Well, I'm going to celebrate Christmas just as I always do: with food, presents, and a cultivated air of smug moral superiority that'll make my curmudgeon friends grind their teeth.
Today I considered making a curmudgeon Christmas tree as a gift for these friends. It would be an artificial tree painted black with ornaments consisting of dead fish or pictures of Scrooge kicking orphans. Aaaargh! It's too late. Maybe next year!
I have a Santa Claus costume in the closet. Let me tell you, as soon as you put that thing on, you become a chick magnate!
I think I'll experiment this Christmas. Maybe I'll try a bottomless tree (above).
No, I need something more hip than that.
This (above) one's too hip...too much trouble.
Ah, now THIS (above) is a do-able hip tree! Tinker toys make great trees!
While I was looking for a picture of a Tinkertoy tree, I stumbled on this photo(above). Believe it or not, this (above) is Wilbur and Orville Wright's Christmas tree, dating from 1900, only a few years before the famous flight. The tree is the kind of tall, sparse, fragrant evergreen that was popular up until recent times when the full, bushy look took over. Look at the presents! I notice that bundles are more common than boxes, and the wrappings are plain...no fancy wrapping paper!
Here's (above) a detail of the picture above. Click to enlarge. I think I see a small rifle back there, and some doll house furniture and a tiny tea set. Are there candles on the tree? I can't see.
Before long I stumbled on another tree picture (above), this one from the 30s. This one looks like the kind my dad said he played under when he was a kid. Notice the big, metal electric trains with bridges and out-of-scale little houses and fences. The big trains were great because they were heavy and didn't jump off off the tracks all the time like the light ones do now. You could also cram a lot of toy soldiers into them. Then as now, Christmas and war toys just naturally went together.
I think the electric lights on the tree were the big bulb kind that are only used for outdoor lighting now. If there's tinsel, it's probably the vertical icicle variety. I like modern Christmas trees. They're thick and bushy the way artists like to draw them. They're not fragrant, which is a shame, but they do look friendly and cozy, and they work well with small indoor lights.
Well, enough goofing off! It's time to get back to cleaning the house for Christmas... but don't go yet! I have presents for everybody! I have to warn you that these are pretty primitive presents...actually, downright lame is what they are. They're tricks for fooling little kids! Watch the videos then find a kid and try them out!
I think the electric lights on the tree were the big bulb kind that are only used for outdoor lighting now. If there's tinsel, it's probably the vertical icicle variety. I like modern Christmas trees. They're thick and bushy the way artists like to draw them. They're not fragrant, which is a shame, but they do look friendly and cozy, and they work well with small indoor lights.
Well, enough goofing off! It's time to get back to cleaning the house for Christmas... but don't go yet! I have presents for everybody! I have to warn you that these are pretty primitive presents...actually, downright lame is what they are. They're tricks for fooling little kids! Watch the videos then find a kid and try them out!
OK, I warned you that these were going to be lame tricks!
A long time ago I pulled both these Penn & Teller tricks on my kids and they just about fell down and worshipped me as a white god. Of course they were at the age when I could wow them by making the supermarket door open just by waving my hand and walking in. Gee, kids sure are gullible!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!!! See you on the 27th!
BTW: I got a Love Nerds submission from Jennifer, which I'll post right now!
What do you mean modern trees aren't fragrant? A tree's a tree!
ReplyDeleteI'll admit it I'm a Christmas curmudgeon. I wasn't as a kid but my father was and I always wondered what his problem with it was. Now that I'm an adult, kinda, I finally understand why he was so cranky.
ReplyDeleteChristmas is divisive. It's a really tough time for poor families. It can be a harsh reminder to them that they're low on the social totem pole. During the rest of the year if you were paying your bills and putting supper on the table for your family and your kids were doing well in school or in sports you'd feel pretty good about yourself as a parent. There was no shame in your position in life, but Christmas changes that. Seeing your kids disappointed on what you can provide them on Christmas morning must hurt your parental self esteem.
Christmas definitely separates people into the haves and have nots. The kids feel it too when they go into school after vacation and the conversations of 'what did you get for Christmas' pop up. I always hated those as a kid.
I do like some Christmas traditions but the gift giving aspect has gotten emphasized too much that it overshadows everything else.
Hi Eddie,my message for you is at the veery end of the animated card.Hope you like it.Merry X-Mas & Happy New Year!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=EG5161351021844M6857773Y&product_id=
Merry Christmas Uncle Eddie :)
ReplyDeleteGood stuff. Penn & Teller are terrific illusionists.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Mr.Eddie, & thanks bunches for all your great theory posts this year.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Uncle Eddie!
ReplyDeleteMerry Xmas!
ReplyDeleteDo you remember the macho cowboy Christmas wreath Lou Police made? It was jet black, with barbed wire, bullets, Marlboros etc on it. Brilliant!
My very favorite website, http://www.mises,org has a fascinating article on the whole "War on Christmas" hullabaloo. It's called, "Is Capitalism Ruining Christmas?" and I think you will find it relevant to your line of thinking.
ReplyDeleteNow I am off to make cranberry sauce with orange zest and cloves. Mmmmm, Holidaylicious!
Merry Christmas, Uncle Eddie.
Merry Christmas Uncle Eddie. I always enjoy reading what you have to say about certain things. You're the eccentric uncle every kid wishes they had.
ReplyDeleteMery Christmas and Happy New Year. Let's make the next one even better.
Merry Christmas, Uncle Eddie, from a middle of nowhere in West Tennessee.
ReplyDeleteThe reason why Curmudegeons are so prominent during Christmas is because that's when they're reminded they have no one to love or someone they lost. That constant reminder of what they are missing drives them crazy.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas Eddie! I still can't believe this blog exists
ReplyDeleteChristmas is for complaining, every white person's favourite pastime.
ReplyDeleteWhat brought out my holiday curmudgeon, is when you become the arms and legs for someone who still feels it necessary to impress, regardless of who they might inconvenience in the process, to show that they are generous (and of course, people do this to themselves).
ReplyDeleteSo what actually brought us more peace, is the gradual acceptance of those caught up in the Rat Race aspects of the buying and giving season, that Buying and giving is not the important part. That in fact, no one cares if you are Santa or Scrooge, as long as you are the person they care for the rest of the year. We give the gift of not giving. It isn't perfect, generosity outs in its small ways, but there isn't a mutual alphonse and gaston contest/war going on, by mutual agreement. No Selling Hair to afford a comb shenanigans. No hordes being trampled in the attempt to consume more than one could possibly consume.
Here is my Christmas Gift to Uncle Eddie, an idea. For more fragrant Christmas Trees, use those New Car Smell rear view mirror trees as ornaments.
Hey, what do you mean my idea stinks?
Jorge: The full, bushy kind of tree favored today is a different species than the kind that were popular earlier. I just forget the names.
ReplyDeleteAdam: I admit that Christmas is divisive in the sense that poor people can't afford the presents that the rich can. All gift giving events are divisive in that way...birthdays, Mothers Day, Marriages, graduation parties, house warmings, etc. It's a problem alright, but I don't think we should eliminate gift giving to solve it. It's something that's deep-rooted in the human psyche. All we can do is try to put common sense restraints on it. Christmas is a social and unifying element in so many other ways.
Denise: Holy Cow! I just looked at that card and was amazed to see that it's a whole animated short built around a nifty piece of music! Man, somebody put a lot of work into that! Thanks a million, and thanks much for the really nice comment at the end!
Anon: Haw! Yeah, now that you mention it, I think I do remember it! I wonder if any pictures of it are out there?
Kelly: Nice site! I bookmarked it! The article makes some good points!
Mahalla, Fuzzy, Vincent, Oppo, Weirdo, Brubaker, PC: Thanks much and MEEEEERY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
Eddie, I had no idea that the Christmas trees we get nowadays are a different species from the Christmas trees of yesteryear! I always love the way my tree smells, but I bet I'd be surprised by the stronger smell of the other kind of tree.
ReplyDeleteAbout that white people comment, I was kidding, of course. It's just that I love Christmas, and have since I was a boy, but hate to hear people complain about it all the time.
Christmas trees were actually hung upside down back in the day. In early Christianity, it was an upside-down triangle, representing the Holy Trinity.
ReplyDeleteAlso, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! You and John have the best blogs on the internet!
ReplyDeleteHey Eddie.
ReplyDeleteI think labeling people who just don't "do" Christmas as curmudgeons is a bit of a 'straw man'. It's a popular and "ready made" notion that everyone who doesn't dig Christmas is either a)a miserable Scrooge b) Not a Christian, or c) just a sour-pus who is waging a "WAR ON CHRISTMAS" (tm). In some cases though, it's just a case of the holiday losing it's purpose for that person.
As a kid I used to dig Christmas, a lot. I still have fond memories of Christmas's past, but as I've gotten older, I've kinda lost my use for it. I remember that as a kid, the main reason I dug Christmas was the getting "stuff", as it is with most kids. You have this day where you get tons of free crap, and it's awesome. However, these days, I'm not so much into the "stuff" as I used to be when I was younger.
I still dig Halloween, cause I'm a monster/horror nut, but Christmas just doesn't impress me anymore. It's a combination of a few things.. not having a family of my own, not buying the religious aspect of it, discovering that Christmas is actually a modified "Saturnalia", with German pagan traditions thrown in, ect. The idea that some people still seem to hold on to... that this is a "religious holiday" is absurd to the nth degree, since all the traditions that we observe now come form elsewhere (except the "baby Jesus" story)".
There are still some things I dig about Christmas.. eggnog, Johnny Mathis Xmas album, the Peanuts Christmas special, ect. But overall, it's just not my thing anymore. When I have kids, I'm sure I'll have fun doin' the tree/presents thing, but til then it's kinda just another day to me.
I talked my wife out of putting up a tree this year. That was my present to myself.
ReplyDeleteWe need more holidays, not less, so I am not a curmudgeon in that sense.
Xmas, which is its real name, is just so full of hot air and bullcrap that it should be hard for a rational adult to take. I don't like the indoctrination of humanity with confused, contorted mythology, couple with an overspending impulse. I don't see how that can ultimately be a good thing. I'm for the advancement of humanity, not the manipulation of it. Have an eggnog, and merry xmas.
Hans: Sorry I left you out last time. Well, it seems to me that you're temprementally the non-celibrater-type, at least so far a holiday like Christmas goes. I understand that and therefore will not direct my smug, sanctimonious rebuke at you. I do however see some potential victims in the comment list, so I'll nail them instead.
ReplyDeleteIDRC, Dan: For shame! I'll take a whole post to repond to your arguments, so keep a look out!
ReplyDeleteEddie: Merry Christmas !!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHow about re-writing the Christmas Carol, but this time, instead of being victimized by Scrooges stinginess, they are victimized by his ego self stroking overabundance of 'generousity", his giving the local merchants hell for not having the exact item he waited until the last minute to pick up, his overworking of his own staff to do his shopping for him, the guilt and shock on the faces of those he is generous to, who actually end up being burdened by his gifts, or by the feeling they cannot possibly reciprocate?
ReplyDeleteMight make a nice seven minute storyboard. Of course, how would the twist at the end turn out?
Merry Christmas, Uncle Eddie! Thanks for enlightening us!
ReplyDeleteI came by to say thank you, Eddie-and the same to you & yours(I hope you were fortunate enough to have them all with you this year)...but I have to stay to take issue with a dismissal of Christmas as a dead and empty commercial enterprise and all that.
ReplyDeleteThis "commercial" state of affairs has supposedly been the case since the industrial age at least(Dickens was surely well aware of it and had a lot to say that's still very pertinent in his brilliant "ghost story"; I defy anyone to actually read it through and not be moved by his words on the very matters that cause some people to feel weary or dismayed at the touting of it all)...but surely there's really so much more good than bad about the trappings of the holiday?
You can start anywhere, at any level, and find the kind of inspiration and delight in Xmas that is all too rare in regular everyday life. Here's a list--none of it religious in nature but things that anyone can enjoy on a purely secular--indeed sensuous--level. Off the top with no aforethought then:
-the forests of lovely scented trees filling formerly barren and ugly parking lots all over town-ad hoc magical forests(complete with toylike white "snow" covered varieties). As a child I swooned inside these forests, got lost in them(I lived right off Wilshire Blvd. where they sprung up on every other block, many within walking distance). And as the trees are farmed specifically for sale at Christmas, I don't really have a big green issue with them now, either.
-The appearance outside of tiny, usually white, sparkling fairy lights everywhere, again transforming otherwise dull storefronts and the spaces over city streets with a gloriously victorian/edwardian glow.
The music. Many--most--of the great songs and carols of Christmas are extremely beautiful--from Handel to Christina Rossetti to Mel Torme to Irving Berlin--and sadly it's now only at "Xmas" that the average person is exposed to melodic, slow, wistful and just plain brilliant songwriting on the airwaves(I'm not talking about Muzak at Ralph's market here, but that stuff stays with no one anyway). I cannot hear Nat Kind Cole sing "The Christmas Song" too many times. Ever. Ditto "In the Bleak Midwinter". Ditto "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen". et cetera 1000 others. Plain ear candy.
And speaking of that: the candy--as in canes. A delicious, simple treat that has disappeared from life now--except at Christmas. . Eggnog. Mulled wine. Cider. Hot drinks fro colder weather that used to be de rigueur but are sadly now defunct-except when they are revived --at Christmas.
-The chance to see things like "christmas cookies" and truly odd, wondrous things like gingerbread houses in any old crummy supermarket. That's a bit of magic.
-Seeing the sheer beauty and inventiveness(in my opinion getting better all the time) of the endless Christmas/holiday greeting cards and (sometimes) wrapping trappings that one finds in stores--whether one buys any or not. I find personally that I'm often so impressed with the beautiful, clever or charming design of a card that I'll buy it with no one specifically in mind and save it--to keep as inspiration or to give to just the right person when the mood strikes. Often I get a kick just looking without buying.
That brings up a point btw: All the above I list can be enjoyed for FREE. All give me pleasure to see and be impressed by without spending any money, and I have to believe they affect other people so as well. It's only crass commercialism if you take it in that spirit, or see it only with that POV. I don't have to buy the CDs, the cookies or cards--but they change the scene for a while for the better, infused as they are with the ideas of dreams, wishes, fantasy(I'm talking Santa & Co. here), and not least are a tangible link to a distant and much underappreciated Past. There's so much richness for an artist or creative person in the Christmas season, whatever their religion or beliefs.
Once several years ago I was out in Silverlake walking with a friend on December 24th, a typically overcast winter day in L.A.. While walking down an otherwise empty street off Hillhurst with a friend doing some last-minute errands we saw an amazing figure approaching:
Tall, dressed head to foot in a long read robe, using a rough-hewn staff as long as he was. A genuinely old man, with a long, full grey beard and a full head of well groomed grey hair that fell just below his shoulders. I can't remember if he wore a hood, but he definitely didn't have a "Santa Hat" on; he was instead the best-looking representation of Old Father Christmas/St. Nicolas I've ever seen in the flesh. A real vision.
He strode by with a measured, unaffected walk; my friend and I almost felt shy to look at him(I"m sure I was really staring); as we passed each other, though, we nodded to him and he inclined his head gracefully--not smiling, not too serious, with a totally grave dignity--and kept on going. Was he insane? A druid? Dressed for a party? Just a charming eccentric? I'll never know, nor would I want to.
It was one of the most delightfully surreal little experiences I've ever had in Los Angeles. On Christmas Eve. But anyway, I should think--ask a kid or an artist to make something out of the trappings of Christmas and they'd be busy forever.
It's really up to the sorts of adults most of us artists are to make sure the intangible wonders of the tangible trappings get through to our own kids, or friends, or strangers for that matter. And of course not just artists: I always feel like the people who decorate their homes just so to be seen from the street are giving me and everyone else a gift of prettiness and imagination too.
I could go on but won't for the obvious reason that probably no one has read this far. But anyway, Merry christmas, Eddie!
Eddie,
ReplyDeleteSince you're gonna do a blog response about my comment... I'd thought qualify one thing that I'm not sure I made clear: I was being a bit facetious about the "getting stuff" bit, thought in general that's true. As kids, you primarily look forward to the presents. There's nothing wrong with that, but that's the way it is.
There were a lot of other things I dug about Xmas as a kid (trimming the tree, the lights, The Grinch cartoon), but that was probably the biggest one.
Just let me say, there's nothing wrong with Christmas, and I don't have a problem with the holiday at all. I'm perfectly happy with saying "Merry Christmas" to someone, and, like notable atheist Richard Dawkins, I actually still like a lot of Christmas music (though I lean toward the more secular songs, Dawkins actually, and oddly, prefers only the religious music). But I think there's room for a little skepticism about the holidays now and then, especially when you have sanctimonious blowhard douchebags on Fox News accusing people of trying to destroy Christmas because they DARE say "Happy Holidays". These guys are cynically trying to create a name for themselves (and sell tons of books) by "fighting" a "war" that doesn't exist.
Christmas is a time that is primarily a time to spend with one's family, but when you don't have one, and the relatives you do have live across the country and, for the most part, you'd rather see thrown into a lava pit than actually spend time with them, the whole point of the holiday loses it's sheen.
But everyone's different. Some people would put up a tree if they were the last person on earth, because it's so ingrained into who they are, and that's totally fine.
So, anyway, Merry Christmas, Eddie. And everyone else reading this.
Dan, Jenny Hans: Aaargh! I discovered your comments too late at night to answer adequately, but answer I will when I'm able! [Boy, Jenny, that was some letter!]
ReplyDeleteJosh, PC: Merry Christmas to you too!
Jenny, that was the best comment ever left on this blog by anyone. You're my hero.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas, Eddie!
ReplyDeleteRemember your post a while back about TV pitchmen, featuring the ShamWOW guy (Vince Offer)?
Here's another product he's pitching these days: https://www.slapchop.com/ver3/index.asp
Hi, Jenny,
ReplyDeleteYou don't say that your comments are directed at my comments, but I respond as if they were.
A lot of nice things can happen as a result of Christmas. Of this there can be no doubt. But they are side effects. They are not what Christmas IS -except in a poetic sense.
I think you have made a nice list of how to enjoy Christmas. It seems your basic philosophy is to do what you enjoy while ignoring the parts that do not suit you.
That is precisely what I recommend also, although there are more parts than do not suit me than do not suit you.
So while I --like you, exercise my freedom to opt out of certain rituals-by-rote, I also believe that it is perfectly alright to be openly critical of those rituals.
So if we want to discuss what Christmas IS, and not how to cope with it, we have to admit that it is fundamentally the celebration of the birth of a fictional character, whom we are all encouraged to worship as a deity.
As a nation, our spending habits around this idea are entirely out of scale with even that premise. It is the most spending time of the year, in an economic system which has been purposefully designed to keep all of us in perpetual debt. Good for you if you are above that, but let us not be naive about how it is intended to operate, or how successful it is at doing so.
If Halloween caused average otherwise rational adults to worship spooks and goblins, or max out their credit cards, I would have to be against it, too --no matter how much fun it might otherwise bring to little kids faces.
The three main types of commercially available Christmas trees today are the Douglas Fir (Fullest and bushiest), the Noble Fir (negative space between its branches) and the Grand Fir (the most expensive and, therefore, in the opinion of the people selling them, the best looking). All reek of pine, which is what they are. An upside-down mounted tree is a distress signal to Santa. Between 1900 and today, hybrid breeding has produced thicker trees. The same process has been applied to frying chickens. Why can't they develop green feathered Christmas trees? This is what the world needs.
ReplyDeleteHey Eddie,
ReplyDeleteSo are you still gonna do the bit on my Christmas Curmudgeonitis, or is that already old news?
Also, I just finished work on a cartoony animated music video for a friend of mine. It's embedded on my google blog page. It's my first real animated effort, and I put a bit of time on it (more than I'd care to admit, actually, based on the overall theme). I'd absolutely love to hear your feedback.