THE SUPPORT GROUP

INT. MENTAL HEALTH FACILITY:

GERTRUDE: "Um...Hi! Er...is this the room where the support group meets?"

ALL: "Yay! The counselor's here! Now we can get on with this! C'mon in! We thought you forgot about us!"

 GERTRUDE: "Um, I'm not the counselor. I'm just here for...um...help with shyness."

DAISY: "You're not the counselor?  Now what'll we do? This whole session is a rudderless ship! What are we supposed to do...counsel each other?"

GLADIOLA: "Well, maybe that's not a bad idea. I mean, all disorders probably have  something in common. Maybe we can help each other."

ARNOLD: "I'm game. Why don't we go around the room and let everybody say why they're here?"

MATILDA: "I'll start. I'm Matilda. I have a surgical addiction."

FRED: "Fred. Gender confusion."

JOLSON: "Mother Fixation."

IRIS: "I hate men."

CLOVER: "Me, I like men...maybe too much."

MARVIN: "I'm Marvin and I'm suicidal. I'm lonely 'cause I can't find a woman who likes my kind of guy. By the way, it's hard to commit suicide in a cheap oven like this. Look at the valve heads...they're plastic.

ROSE: "My name's Rose. I have the same problem. Nobody wants to go out with me either, so I figure I'll end it all. My oven has copper valves, by the way. My ex says they last longer."

MARVIN (VO): "Rose? YOU know about oven valves? Geez, I thought women didn't care about things like that. Er...ya wanna get a cup of coffee later on?"

SEDGWICK: "Hey guys! I was just in the room next store, and they're holding a support group for female sex addicts."

BADOOMBADDOM!!!! CHAIRS FLY AS EVERY GUY IN THE PLACE RUSHES OUT OF HIS SEAT, LINES UP FOR THE FEMALE SEX ADDICT GROUP.

THE ABSENT COUNSELOR FINALLY COMES IN:

COUNSELOR: "Hi everybody! Sorry I'm late!"