HOW I MET MY WIFE

Folks are always are always asking how my wife and I met. Well, it was in New York City. I was an idealistic young animator, wandering the streets, lost in thought.

 I wasn't paying much attention to what was around me...

...or "who" was around me. I didn't notice the girl up ahead who'd stopped to light up a cigarette.

I stopped to light up myself, not realizing that I was muttering out loud.

EDDIE: "I could start the walk with an antic but it'll be funnier if the guy just goes into it...but then it'll look like I don't know what I'm doing."

DAISY: "What a dilemma!"

EDDIE: "Huh? Oh, sorry! I have an animation problem, but you wouldn't know anything about that."

DAISY: "Well, Mr. bigshot, it so happens that I DO know something about animation. I take it that you are familiar with the famous Chick Jones? He was the best director, you know."

EDDIE: "Chick Jones!? You mean CHUCK Jones? Yeah, he was great, but the real genius at that studio was Bob Clampett. Geez, when they directed at the same time Jones couldn't hold a candle..."

DAISY: "Well, there's an animation exhibit down the street. If you play your cards right I will permit you to take me there and show me this Bill Crumpet of yours.

THE NEXT DAY: AT THE MUSEUM OF COMIC ART:

EDDIE (VO): "Well, whaddaya think?"

DAISY: "I don't get it. That's what you like? Feet?"

EDDIE (VO): "That's from a storyboard done at Spumco, the best modern animation studio. It's a very funny drawing."

DAISY: "Hmmm...I'm learning something about you."

EDDIE: "Huh? About me?"

DAISY: "And what is this?"

EDDIE (VO): "That's a Chuck Jones character: Sniffles the Mouse."

DAISY (VO): "And this?  This is your Bill Crumpet?"

EDDIE (VO): "CLAMPETT,  Bob CLAMPETT! Yeah, that's from one of his cartoons. It's a lot funnier than Sniffles, I think."

DAISY: "Mmmm...I like Sniffles better."

EDDIE: "Well, maybe that's 'cause you're a girl. I mean, guys and girls like different things."

DAISY: "Oh, so now you don't like that I'm a girl?"

  

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Well, that's how it went down...well, er...sort of. In a way. Most of these pictures are from a film called "5 to 7."

ACTORS AS ART SCHOOL MODELS

Haw! I'm just kidding with the picture above, but it does serve to make my point...that female models dominate art school classes, and not just for the obvious reason. 

Female silhouettes follow lyrical, curved lines that begin at the head and follow through to the feet. They're beautiful, no doubt about it. 

Men, on the other hand, are lumpy. The parts just don't fit together.  Let's face it, realistic men are not as fun to draw as realistic women.

If more evidence is needed I refer you to the comparison above.

Now don't get me wrong. Art and artists need men. If you could boil all of art down to just one principal it would be the combination of force and grace in the same object or situation. We men are half that combination so we have an earned place at the table. Even so, the problem remains....how do we make men more fun to draw?

My own solution is acting. I picture gifted amateur actor-models working in twos, one male and one female. A story outline dominates the session.

It could be a comedy...

..or a drama.

Or some combination of the two.

A script is okay, but I picture improvised situations based on a loose outline, spoken dialogue only if it feels right. A whole story or fragments of different stories. The important thing is that whatever fragments are used,  they should lend themselves to visuals that are fun to act and fun to draw.

It would be fun to alternate comedy with drama, or solos with match-ups. I could see a male actor doing a solo variation a bit like Chris Crocker's "Leave Britany Alone!" Of course you'd have to change the timing to freeze some of the poses and give the class time to draw.

I could see a solo woman doing a sketch like Bette Davis's "I wipe my mouth" from "Of Human Bondage."

Probably the sessions I described would work best with draped models. I'm not sure amateurs could act with their clothes off. That's no problem because I'm not trying to replace classical nude model drawing with these actor sessions. Students need both.

Is that all? Mmmm...no, wait a minute, I forgot something: a good homework assignment for a session like this one is to have the students draw up one or two carefully finished drawings based on the sketches done in class.

I'm a cartoonist so I see this assignment done in a cartoon style like the one above.

  Lots of styles would work.

BTW: that's not my drawing above. I wish I'd copied down the artist's name.

FLESH-COLORED PANTS

No, these women (above) are not naked...they're simply wearing flesh colored leggings, which are all the rage now. 

Pants like these used to surprise me but now I'm used to them.  They're really nothing new. We white people have always liked things that are flesh colored.

Half the exteriors in my neighborhood (above) look fleshy. 

  

Half the rooms, too.

If you're caucasion like me, you just naturally seek out places to live that look like yourself. Maybe it's the camouflage aspect that appeals to us.

A white man stands against a fleshy wall and...Wow!...he's invisible! Maybe eons ago that's how we foiled the sabertooth tigers. No, wait a minute...they didn't have house paint then. Well then, maybe we just liked the color...I don't know.

Anyway, bathrooms (above) are almost always flesh-colored. A neighbor I talked to bucked the trend and foolishly colored his bathroom sea foam green.  He gave it a nautical look, which seemed to make sense because, after all, it's a room you're always splashing around in. Well...a year later he had to repaint it.

He said the blue walls drove his wife nuts, as if somehow they'd violated a universal law...and in a way, they did.

He repainted the walls flesh and it had an enormous calming effect on his wife. Camouflage? I don't know.

MORE EDDIE FITZGERALD CARICATURES

Hey, I found more of my kid's caricatures of me! These were done when she was in 9th or 10th grade, in a burger restaurant near her school. I'd draw her while she ate then she'd draw me while I ate.

How do you like the expression (above) she gave me? I call it eager-stupid. It's set off nicely by the little micro blood vessels in the nose and Dr. Cyclops glasses.

 My turn! I drew her reading. She liked to draw but she hated to pose so I had to draw fast.

 'Back to my kid drawing me again. Good Lord! Look at that ear! Or is it a melting potato?

Aaaaaarghhhh!!!!!  The same day...she beat me again! The way she stretched the face out, across two pages...why didn't I think of that!!??? I'm so jealous!!!

What was my son doing while all this was going on? Well, he wasn't a caricature man...he was more of a comic artist. That's one of his comic covers above. It was for the "I'm Fat Comics" which was all about me; according to the comic, the world's fattest, lumpiest man. Haw!

VIRTUAL REALITY DANGERS

We all know that virtual reality is just around the corner. The day's coming when men with goggles will be able to enjoy the company of  a beautiful virtual woman right in their own living room. 

It's a computer thing. 

Of course the kind of classy men who frequent Theory Corner want something more than just beauty. They'll want a sweet, intelligent girl... a girl who'll listen to all their problems and...yes...agree with them on just about everything.  Ahhh, that'll be nice, but....

....but one day it's bound to occur, even to the elevated men who come here, that three girls (above) listening to their problems would be better than one. 

And a dozen would be better than three! Yikes! You'll hock everything you've got to buy more RAM!

The day will come when you'll have a house full of virtual women. They'll all be glad to see you and they'll all laugh at your jokes, but don't try to touch them...they don't really exist.

Wait'll you try to use your car.

Or brush your teeth.

How much flossing do you think you'll get done?

 Of course other men will have virtual companions, too. You'll find yourself wondering,  is the male doctor who's operating on me...really paying attention?

Maybe. You'll never know.

We have to face the fact the entire male gender might become hopelessly addicted to the presence of virtual women. Civilization could fall apart.

But let's not be pessimistic. Science has a cure, if we have the courage to apply it. B. F. Skinner said that the only way to extinguish conditioning is by counter-conditioning. Alright then,  let's do that.

Goggles will have to programmed for the extreme opposite type of female...the kind that would discourage virtual addiction. 

Only great mental pain will be able to override great mental pleasure.

Good Luck!

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Oh, yes...on another subject...a word about the Fourth of July: