WHAT MY HALLOWEEN WAS LIKE

Actually I had a terrific Halloween. I didn't make a "Tunnel of fear" this year, but I made lots of paper witches and goblins which I put out on the porch, and I got lots of really cute little kids at the door.


By far the most common costume was Snow White (above). There were zillions of plump little Snow Whites on my steps!

More than a few adult Snow Whites (above) too.


That's the "sexy" Little Red Riding Hood costume above. Boy, those "sexy" costumes sold big this year! I didn't actually see any Riding Hoods tonight but I show it anyway for the edification of my male readers.

Forgive me; I digress.

Now I'm a pretty good keeper of Halloween. That's because I realize that the whole kid year revolves around Halloween and Christmas. I don't know any other holiday where you can make so many people feel good with such a small investment of time and money. But....I confess that even I, Halloween enthusiast that I am, had one big lapse.

My name is eternally written in the Book Of Infamy, because one horrible year, maybe ten years ago, I darkened the house and pretended I wasn't home. I can't remember why, I just know that I'd been been feeling rotten and curmudgeonly all month. Maybe like Scrooge, I reasoned that kids should be working in textile mills and eating gruel for dinner on dirty benches. It was the winter of my discontent.

When the night came I parked my car a block away, so people would think I was out carousing. I darkened the entire house, which was devoid of decoration. It was a moonless night, and the trees and shrubs on either side of my lawn kept the house as dark and black as I've ever seen it.

The only light inside was the light from the TV which I kept so dim and nearly silent that I could hardly make out was going on...and even that was shut up behind closed drapes. It sucked to sit there in the dark like that, but I figured that I was at least safe from trick or treaters.

Well, to make a long story short, I wasn't safe. Millions of kids knocked on my door. I don't even know how they found the door without tripping in the dark. They even knocked on my window, with me sitting only a few feet away! I could hear them talking about me, wondering what happened to me.

Every new group had one kid who was an expert at ferreting out hiding adults. Just when the group would be ready to give up and leave, this kid would catch a stray photon from the TV and bring everybody back. I had to listen to whole debates about myself.

One line in particular stands out in my mind. I heard a mother talking to her kids as she approached my house with a flashlight, and she said "Wait'll you see this house. He always does something for Halloween, wait and see." She knocked and knocked, then I heard disappointed groans from the kids. Man, that hurt.

The next day seemed normal enough on the surface. None of the neighbors said anything insulting, but I could feel an icy radiation coming from them. It took six months for people to talk to me normally again.

So I'm a faithful keeper of Halloween again...not only because I love the holiday, which is so rich in color and imagination...but because I felt the lash administered to those wretches who fail to keep it.

MY HALLOWEEN MASKS

I guess everybody collects something. For me it's funny Halloween masks. I line the tops of my book shelves with them.

Here's (above) one of my favorites. Look at the planes in the face, and the beautiful lines! It has that combination of strength and grace that characterizes true art, and it's funny, too! I wish I could meet the artist who sculpted this.

A mask (above) derived from Tim Burton's "Mars Attacks." The film was fatally flawed but it had some great moments, and the Martians were originally designed by Wally Wood.

Of course, the mask doesn't do justice to the magnificent creature in the film.

Another brain Martian (above). We can only hope that real aliens from other planets are ugly bloodsuckers like this one.

Oliver Hardy (above) wearing a fez.

A Frankenstein mask, with wonderful detail in the face.

The Penguin from Batman #2!

Remember when Max Headroom's face (above) was all over the billboards and toy stores? The fedora doesn't fit, but it'll do until I can get one that does.

Here's my Bobby Bigloaf mask (above), which is sadly bland and brittle now. When I tried to restore the old shape by stuffing the mask with newspapers, it started coming apart in my hands. I lost a lot of masks that way: my old Sadie Hawkins mask, the Nairobi Trio caveman, and my Roy Orbison and Borneo cannibal masks suffered the same fate.

I'm afraid to use Amour All-type preservatives because of outgassing, and I don't want to keep the masks in plastic or in heat-safe areas where I can't see them. *Sigh!* I guess nothing lasts forever.

Haw! Mike F. just sent me this (above) Halloween news item. See what you think!

PROPER ATTIRE FOR THE LADIES AUXILIARY

After posting the Muskrat piece it occurred to me that I goofed up the part describing proper Ladies Auxiliary attire. I offer my humble apology. I should have realized that no real lady wants to wear a moth-eaten, old coonskin cap. Ladies of good upbringing and refinement prefer traditional straw hats with flowers.

A net on the hat is a nice touch.

Fur pieces and pearls are welcome additions if you happen to have them. Phony fur is OK, even preferable, since nobody wants to think of an animal actually dying for this.

Here's some hats (above and below) that work okay. All the women in my house left for a vacation back East, so I'm stuck with modelling them myself.

Aaaah, the traditional lone sunflower (above) on a straw hat.

Here's a hat that's a bit racy, but still okay. Maybe it belonged to a wicked city woman, or a widow who was looking for a second husband.

Easter baskets (above) make great hats.

More acceptable hats (above): pretty "out there," but still good for The Ladies Auxiliary.

Unacceptable hats: too minimal, too tasteful and too understated. They don't give testimony to the pride a woman feels for being a member of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary.

Also unacceptable: too avant garde. The Ladies Auxiliary is already cutting edge. Farther than the edge is...chaos...what can I say?

So what is the preferred attire for a member of The Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary? It's what club women wore in the golden age of women's clubs, circa 1900 - 1960. Dressing this way doesn't limit Auxiliary women's full participation in Muskrat discussions and activities.

I thought you might find it interesting to see what club women were like in 1953. Here's a commercial showing several club women assembled for a washing machine demonstration. The range of women in the room is amazing. At one end is Betty Furness, who comes off as a super intelligent star ship captain, and at the other is a woman who sounds just like Aunt Bea. The commercial only lasts for a minute or two...just skip the rest.

MEETING OF THE ROYAL ORDER OF THE MUSKRAT

INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM: Members of The Royal Order take their seats.

The chairman, called The Grand, Exalted, Imperial Muskrat with Oak Leaf Clusters, pounds the gavel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this meeting of the Royal Order of the Muskrat is called to order!"

GRAND MUSKRAT: "All rise for the Muskrat salute! 'Hail, Noble Muskrat! We, thy brothers and sisters, salute thee!' "

"Snork! Snork, Snork!"


"Chortle! Chortle! Chortle!"

"WOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"(Ahem!) You may be seated! Now let's see....the first item on the agenda is..."

"...the first item is an expression of thanks to The Ladies Auxiliary for the fine pies they've baked for us tonight! I think a round of applause is in order."

On the Ladies Auxiliary.

(SFX) Applause.

MOOSE LADIES: "Excuse us. We're the Ladies Auxiliary for the Fraternal Order of the Moose. Do you know which room they're meeting in? (THEN) Gee it's cold in here."

"Um...Fraternal Order of the Moose?...they're...um..uh...um, next door, across the hall."

MOOSE LADIES: "*Thank-yoooouuu*!"

The ladies exit.

"The Chair recognizes Brother Norton!"

BROTHER NORTON: I just want to say that we should send a delegation to those women to apologize for for exposing their delicate skin to the rigors of our cruel, masculine air conditioning. It's only right."

"You're right, Brother Norton. Thank you for proving that chivalry is not dead. I say we give them our pies as a token of our sorrow."

!!!!!!!!!!!

"On second thought, HALF the pies should be adequate compensation."

"Huh!?"


SERGEANT AT ARMS: "Mr. Chairman, one of the ladies bumped her leg on the way out."

The chairman pounds the gavel.

CHAIRMAN: "ALL the pies! That and our entire treasury!!!"

"Um... don't worry about the details. I can deliver the pies myself."

"It says here that the next item on the agenda is a demonstration for new members of The Muskrat Handshake. As this sacred handshake is for the eyes of members only, I request that the Sergeant of Arms lock the doors."

"When two Muskrats meet on the street an identifying handshake is in order. The member standing most Northward is always the initiating greeter. The greeter proudly thrusts his arm out horizontally, signifying the with his assertive attitude, the noble bearing of the North American muskrat."

"The out-thrust arm is met by the equally assertive arm of the member being greeted. The two arms align at the forearm."

"A slide is initiated, commemorating the movement of the glaciers thousands of years ago that gave rise to the woodland habitat of the modern muskrat. At the end of the slide the thumbs are engaged and the hands pivot to a new position."

"Watch closely. What happens next is full of meaning and tradition."

"The fingers stiffen then are quickly and decisively withdrawn, reminding us of the regrettable intolerance showed to muskrats by hunters and hound dogs."

"A vigorous shake of the hand symbolizes the hardships suffered by muskrats on their yearly migrations."

"And finally, the diddled-fingers-hand-to-nose represents the exalted triumph of the muskrat who, though he eats the babies of other animals, always chitters a cheerful 'Thank you!' for the meal."

"Well, I think that just about wraps it up. Any more new business? Any

old business? No?"

SFX: (raps gavel on the podium)

"...Then I declare this meeting adjourned!"



"Be well, my brothers and sisters!"

"Pssst! Sergeant at Arms! I'll deliver those pies now!"

NOTE TO READERS: The Royal Order of the Muskrat is REAL! It really meets every month or two here online at Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner. We discuss animation and cartooning, and most other subjects except politics. Members receive a discount at the Theory Corner Store, which I'll try to put up soon.

Membership is free but to be a member you must participate in at least one meeting. If you're a guy and you'd like to participate, then post a picture of yourself on your own site wearing a coonskin cap (no substitutes unless you can tinker something together that really looks like a coonskin hat), dark jacket, fringed epaulets, white shirt and a tie, and send me a link to the picture, which I'll post. Homemade versions of the epaulets are OK. (I made my own). You may post a question or comment below the picture and I'll print them when the next meeting comes up.

Girls may join the Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary. All the above membership information applies, except the jacket and coonskin cap are unnecessary. Girls attire consists of what proper clubwomen wore in the golden age of womens clubs, 1900-1960: a straw hat with flowers, old-style dress, and (optional) white gloves or pearls. Skill at making pies is helpful, but not necessary.

There's no pressure to be a member. Reader response at the meetings is entirely unnecessary and, frankly, I'll be amazed if anyone actually does it. It's only for people who feel the need to participate.

P.P.S.: Kern, Hunsecker, Lester, Ardy: I am SOOOOO sorry that I accidentally deleted your comments from the previous post! I deserve death, I know!

HOW TO FIND THE MATE WHO'S MEANT FOR YOU

Believe it or not, I'm always happy to look at wallet photos of people's families, especially if the person showing them to me is someone I find appealing. That's because looking so often reveals couples who look genuinely happy in each other's company. That's no small thing. I find pictures like that to be bracing, and seeing them makes me feel good for hours after.

Some people manage to find that one in a million person who's exactly right for them. Take the people in the picture above. You can tell the guy loves to tell his wife jokes, and you can tell that she loves to listen to them. Isn't that interesting? Man, someone pretty with breasts and a charming personality to laugh at your jokes...that's Heaven on Earth. What more could you ask for?

The amazing thing is that nice people like this manage to find each other. What are the odds? I mean the person who's right for you could be selling cigarettes in Khazakistan. How on Earth would you ever find that person? I have an answer, but I warn you...it's not logical.

My utterly unprovable belief is that that a supernatural power finds that person for you, and makes sure that you collide with each other on the street. It's as simple as that. If the cigarette seller in Khazakistan really, really is the right person for you, then a supernatural force will arrange for that person to be in your town, on your street, and bump into you. Bam! There go the groceries all over the sidewalk! All you have to do is not be a loser and ignore the gift that's just been given to you.

One of the cool things about finding the right person is that you'll have cool children, and when they grow up they'll also have cool children, so you'll have a little dynasty of coolness going for a couple of generations. Somewhere down the line your progeny will turn into serial killers who can never find their keys for all the heroin needles that are lying all over the house, but there's not much you can do about that, so why worry?

Above, an example of cool children. I could look at pictures like this all day.

Many thanks to CAM Thompson who told me about the site where I found these pictures, a blog called "Sexy People." Jorge Garrido turned me on to something else, which I direct you to below....

....a caricature of me by Aaron Philby! I look like I'm 95 years old here, but the age gives me...gravitas. Thanks, Aaron!

http://aaronphilby.blogspot.com/2008/08/caricature-of-eddie-fitzgerald.html

ABOUT A CERTAIN STORE......

Haw! I almost feel sorry for Walmart because the recent spate of "People of Walmart" pictures on the net are going to cost that chain millions of dollars in lost sales. I say "almost," because it's hard to shed a tear for that store. Besides being a major outsourcer, Walmart's prices are fairly high relative to their production costs. I wonder if the the small discount we get at the cash register really compensates for the lost manufacturing jobs.

There are legitimate bargains in the store, but you have to have an eye for finding them. An awful lot of what's on the shelves sells for the same price competitors charge. Amazingly this doesn't deter the customers from buying there. Maybe people some people go just to watch the human show.

My guess is that people deliberately dress weird (above) when they know they're going to Walmart. There's a kind of year-round Mardi Gras going on there and you don't want to get caught dressing conservatively when every one else is cutting loose.

Notice how Walmart men flaunt their beer bellies. Outside on the street a gut is something to be ashamed of, but inside the doors of Walmart it's carried proudly. You park yourself in a whole aisle devoted to ketchup and mustard and just be, just allow people to admire the belly.

Not to be undone, the ladies strut their stuff.

You may think this woman (above) is revealing a lot...

...but it's all relative.

The store is bleak and ugly but to be fair, there's plenty of color. It comes from things like fluorescent cookie boxes and day glow juice containers.

I kinda like these women (above).

What do you call this (above) style? Is this what people mean when they talk about "Glam?"

Of course goths would shop at Walmart. It was made for them.

You do see a lot of hot pants in this store. I wonder if there are doggie hotpants in the pet section?

Lots of cheerfull tee shirt slogans (above).

More tasteful tees (above).



A Mohawk and out-of-the-pants boxers.

Fascinating!

Red people.

More red people. This (above) is my favorite picture in the post. I like the combination of the red family with the red vending machines, and the phone and out-sized doorknob are a nice touch.



Where do you buy shirts like this (above)? At Walmart?



I'll restrain myself and not make a tasteless joke about finger-sniffing. Oops! I just did!

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE SICK

I'm afraid I'm still down with the flu. I'm just too zonked to write a blog. Cold pills help a lot, but when I take them too frequently I get dizzy, so I have to go off them once in a while...like now. Anyway, I thought I'd post some of Don Martin's drawings, the ones where the characters look the way I feel. Nobody draws sickly and gruesome like Don Martin!

Here (above) the character is depressed rather than sick, but the guy sure looks sick. That first drawing where he drinks and claws the bar is genius. Click to enlarge.


Here's how I feel (above) when I'm not on cold pills.


Sick people (above) are self-absorbed and oblivious to the world's problems. That's one benefit of being ill: you're closer to the zen ideal of being in the here and now. It's strangely comforting to put your worries and anxieties aside and see yourself as a shellfish on a beach struggling to survive.

The next time a family member gets sick, I highly recommend cleaning their room for them and giving them fresh, clean sheets and a meal in bed. Do it for them even if they're not quite sick enough to need it. Being pampered when you're under the weather is one of life's great pleasures. If you were hit by a car and had minutes to live, I wouldn't be surprised if one of the images that would flash before your mind was how good it felt to slip between crispy sheets and have a smiling face give you a cup of soup.

MORE ON THE GREAT CARTOONIST MASSACRE OF 1905

I'm sitting here with a flu, struggling to put together coherent thoughts and sneezing all over my keyboard...do you mind if I make things easy on myself by revisiting an older subject? I thought I'd return to the subject of early comic strips that failed to find a public. Maybe I'll get closer to the articulation that eluded me last time.

Most of these strips are from 1904-1906. Evidently that era produced a glut of funny cartoonists who learned their craft in the 19th century book and magazine illustration. First-rate cartoonists were a dime a dozen; they were everywhere you looked. It was too good to last, and it didn't.

Within the space of a few years the public taste changed and a cartoon depression settled in. Suddenly books and humor magazines preferred more realistic drawings with funny captions. Some humor publications folded altogether. Tough luck for cartoonists who had families to feed.


A few cartoonists were able to bail out into the newly emerging medium of the newspaper strip but the culling process was brutal. Most illustration-trained cartoonists just couldn't adapt. They couldn't tell a story and create memorable characters. I shudder to think what happened to many of these people.

Here's an artist (above) who would probably have been more at home drawing illustrations for Dr. Dolittle books, but who is forced by necessity to try his hand at comics.

Poor Zim. He was such a funny illustrator, but his newspaper comic pages just didn't take off.

Evidently there was a perception among newspaper editors that Germans had a special feel for the comic strip. That's natural I guess since they pretty much created it. Lots of now forgotten strips had German characters who looked like they just stepped off the boat.


Newspaper cartoonists tried lots of experiments in their quest to tell stories. Here's one (above) that resembles a film clip.

Here's (above) a little-known strip by Opper who, as we all know, did make the transition from illustration to storytelling. No static and repetitive panels for Opper...his whole page has a visual flow that carries the reader along and invites him to take the characters more seriously.

I imagine the great number of unemployed illustrator-cartoonists must have regarded the comics cartoonists with envy and acrimony. Probably the new style of cartooning (above) looked too simplistic to the older guys. "Sure it has flow," I imagine them saying, "but that's all it has. The drawings suck!" Well actually that's true, though there are exceptions. Overly simplified drawing styles eventually killed the comic strip.

Man, that's a depressing note to end on! See what happens when you try to write when you're sick? I've gotta take the curse off that ending...maybe with something on my desk...maybe with...Hmmmm....okay, here, I've got it! I'll just whip this (below) on the scanner...

...how do you like it? My new toupee! I got it a few days ago. It looks like a giant bug and I constantly have to resist the temptation to stomp it. John says it should have come with a conspicuous string to hold it on.

Okay, I'm going to get some cold pills.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT UPSIDE-DOWN HOUSES?

I know what you're thinking: that this is a trivial subject for a post. Well, maybe, but it might turn out to be a pretty important one. We'll get to that in a minute.

Believe it or not, upside-down houses aren't that uncommon now. I'll bet every big city has one or two (I claimed more than that originally, but Lester caught my exaggeration). Los Angeles has at least two, and probably has a bunch. I'm guessing that the reason is that lots of people built them thinking they'd be the only ones. Imagine their grief when they discovered that the world was packed with "only ones."

I think I understand why people built these things. Every kid lies on his back and imagines what it would be like if the ceiling was the floor. That may be the main reason kids think they're superior to adults, because they think of things like this and we don't. It's a stretch I admit, but this superior genius fantasy that kids have could've been a contributing factor to the whole youth rebellion in recent times.

The thing to understand is how many kids have had this reversed house fantasy, how many believed it was actually a good idea, and how deeply it effected their development. Lots of kids grew up thinking they were keepers of the flame of imagination. They were all so convinced of the genius of this house idea, that they developed contempt for what they considered dim-witted adults, who were obstacles to it. They reasoned that only a dinosaur-brained adult could fail to see something so obvious!

Actually I think it's kids who are the stupid ones. Imagine the staggering inconvenience of living in a house where all the furniture was on the ceiling, and you had to take an upside-down bath. The whole youth movement was based on a dumb idea. It's funny how things happen like that.

Maybe kids like the idea because they're so short that they don't have to worry about hitting their heads on the ceiling furniture.

Now if somebody ever figures out a way to actually walk on the ceiling.......

But I shouldn't monopolize the conversation. Let's see what Theory Corner commenters think about this stuff:

BEAULAH KRATZ: "I don't know Uncle Eddie...that's really a stretch, even by Theory Corner standards. You should take a rest."

GLADYS PINWHIPPLE: "It's a dumb idea, but I've decided to believe it anyway. I like the thought of little rugrats buggering everything up because of a stupid fantasy."

HALLOWEEN STORY

PSYCHIATRIST (V.O.): "You're just in time. Have a seat on the couch and tell me about this recurring dream of yours."

DREAMER (V.O.): "Okay...I'll tell you about the one I had last night. It's fairly typical."

DREAMER: "Just like in all the other dreams, I dreamed that I woke up on the floor of my apartment."

DREAMER (V.O.): I got up and took a look around. I can't explain it, but everything was off kilter somehow. And why was it so quiet? I could hear the sound of my own heart beat."



DREAMER (V.O.) : "I went downstairs to ask my landlady about it, but the house was empty."

DREAMER (V.O.): "And the streets, too. Something happened while I was asleep, but what?"



DREAMER (V.O.): "If there was an answer it had to be in the city, but getting there required crossing the bridge. I had to be careful. Giant shark attacks had been all over the news lately."



DREAMER (V.O.): "In the city the public buildings were empty. There were a few people on the street, but not many."

DREAMER (V.O.): "What was that in the sky? It looked like a zepplin, and it was searching for something."

DREAMER: "Like I said, the buildings all seemed to be deserted, but...wait a minute... I thought I saw someone in a house. Good Lord! That man just pushed a woman down the stairs! I shouted, 'Police! Police!' "

DREAMER (V.O.): "Then, at my side..."

STREET KID: "Shhhh!"

DREAMER (V.O.): "Huh?"

DREAMER (V.O.): "Nearby in a plaza a train circled endlessly while a crowd watched. I ran over to tell them about the murder...to get help."

DREAMER (V.O.): "That's when I saw the zepplin again. I think it was following me."

DREAMER (V.O.): I tried to speak to the train watchers but no one was interested. They just stared at me out of the sides of their eyes..."

DREAMER: "Most looked indifferent..."

DREAMER (V.O.): "...but one face in particular was positively malevolent. It seemed to take pleasure in my frustration. I got the feeling that it wished me evil."




DREAMER: (Gasp!)" That's when I saw that thing again! Something in me snapped."

DREAMER: "Who are you!? What do you want with me?"

DREAMER (V.O.): "Why don't you leave me alone!?"

No answer.



DREAMER: "The zepplin made it's way into the distance leaving me stranded on the tower. Night was creeping in. I'd never be able to climb down in the dark, yet to stay up here was impossible."



DREAMER (V.O.): "I saw weird things up there in the heights, things I just never bothered to notice before."

DREAMER: "It was getting cold and windy. I knew I'd never last the night. Then I thought, 'Maybe I could use my jacket to glide down down to the rooftops below.' It was a one in a million chance, but what else could I do? I braced for the jump."

DREAMER (V.O.): "Holding my jacket edges firmly, I leaped into the air, but I'd calculated wrong. The wind blew the jacket off almost instantly. The ground rushed up...it was horrifying!!!"


DREAMER: "That's when I woke up. I always wake up before I hit the ground in these dreams. I don't know how I know, but I have a strong intuition that if I ever did hit the ground that I'd die for real. "

PSYCHIATRIST: "Fascinating! Well, that's enough for today. Next time we'll induce sleep and let you finally hit the ground. I think that'll end the dreams once and for all..."

PSYCHIATRIST: "...yes sir...once and for all!"

"OLD DARK HOUSE"

Holy Mackerel! The complete version of James Whale's "Old Dark House" is on YouTube! Fragments of this are put up from time to time but are always taken down soon after. This will probably disappear as well, but we have it for a short time, so let's make what we can of it.

I want to focus on the extraordinary acting in two sequences. The first is the one (above and below) where Elspeth Dudgeon (thanks to Jenny for the name correction) plays an old, bed-ridden man who warns the young couple of the danger of staying overnight in the house. Dudgeon's's performance is done in what I imagine is an old, 19th Century acting style, one which is grounded in live theater and an appreciation of classic literature, and not in acting classes. Compare her style to the more modern elocution style of Raymond Massey in the same scene.

The first part of the video is filmed in a static, old-fashioned manner. I recommend fast forwarding past that and starting at the 3:45 mark. Start there and play it to the end. The Dudgeon scene continues on the video below.

Dudgeon's performance ends about two minutes in (above), but watch the whole of this second video, because the action sets up the stunning appearance of Saul in the third video below.

I don't know the name of the actor who plays Saul (above), but he also seems to be grounded in the 19th Century acting style, and what a killer style that is! I love the elocution style of acting that you see in 30s films...I don't mean to criticize it...but for me this earlier style is a pearl of even greater price.

I call it "eccentric acting" because it attempts to build on an actor's unique gifts and vision of the world, and doesn't try to fit him into a cookie cutter mold the way later acting theories do.

I also like the way eccentric actors were informed by literature. Their devotion to the printed page gives them an oratorical style, as much akin to oral interpretation as to acting. Compare Olivier's reading of the St. Crispin's Day speech to Branaugh's. Both are good, but Olivier plays with the words...filters them through his love for the music of the English language and of subtext, and his own complex personality. In this sense, Olivier is what I would call an eccentric actor. Shakespeare wrote for the eccentric acting style and so did Dickens.

Well, there it is. Watch the excerpts as soon as possible because they could be taken down any time...maybe even later today.

"SPACED PATROL!"

ANNOUNCER: "It's the "SPAAAAAACE PATROOOOOL!"

ESTABLISHING SHOT: EARTH -- OUTSIDE SPACE PATROL HEADQUARTERS -- ON THE SPACESHIP, "GALAXY EAGLE."

COMMANDER (V.O.): "Crew, I'd like you to meet our new recruit, Lt. Buzz Buzzly."

CAPTAIN SAVAGE: "Have a seat, Buzz! You're just in time for an urgent video transmission from the planet "Effluvia!"

EFFLUVIANS (VIDEO TRANSMISSION): "Earthlings! Your ambassador has contracted a rare Effluvian disease that's turned him into a giant."

EFFLUVIANS (CONT) (V.O.): "At first it was okay. He just sat around reading the newspaper."

EFFLUVIANS (CONT) (V.O.): "But then he got bored, and started ripping up houses. Whole towns have been wiped out!"



EFFLUVIAN: "The Counsel has ordered us to shoot him, but if you can get here fast with the antidote, we can cure him instead of killing him. The antidote is chocolate. You can't get that here, so we need you to bring some...fast!"



BUZZ: "Captain! I have all the chocolate you could ever want in my briefcase! I took it with me just in case the ship's food sucks. Er...No offense!"

CAPTAIN SAVAGE: "Good for you, Buzz! Then we'd better be taking off! Um, Buzz...you know how to fly a spaceship, don't you?"

BUZZ: "Fly a spaceship? Me?"

BUZZ: "Haw! Do I know how to fly the spaceship!? Oh, that's a good one! Do I...Oh, you sure know how to tell a joke, Captain!"

BUZZ: "Hmmmmm."

DOCTOR PATRICIA: "Accute G force trauma. The Commander will live, but he's paralyzed below the waist."

CREWMAN: "Look! There's Effluvia, up ahead! Good thing you didn't leave that briefcase Back in your apartment!"

BUZZ: "Yeah, good thing!"

BUZZ: "Huh? Apartment!?"

BUZZ: "Ooooooh, I did a bad thing..."



COMMANDER: "What? No...no...tell me you didn't forget your......"

BUZZ: "Don't worry, Commander Sir! I'll go back and get that doggone briefcase and we'll be up again in five minutes, wait and see!"

BUZZ (HOURS LATER): "#@&%X futuristic cities! I can't find my apartment!"

BUZZ: "There we go, five minutes like I said."

DOCTOR PATRICIA: "G force trauma again. The Commander will survive but he'll be reduced to begging for the rest of his life, in a suit of filthy rags."

CAPTAIN SAVAGE: "Buzz, perhaps you'd like to introduce us to the lovely guest you invited on board."



BUZZ (V.O.): "Oh, that's Sally. I brought her along to guard the chocolate."

BUZZ: "She has disdain for anything fattening, so I figured the chocolates would be safe with her."

SFX -- (LOUD EATING) Crunch! Munch! CRuuuunch! MNCH! Muuunch! Crunch!

SALLY: "Um...er, sorry. I couldn't help myself. The candy looked so good."

BUZZ: "Don't worry Commander, Sir! I have more chocolates in my desk drawer on Earth! I'll grab a box and we'll be in the air again in five minutes, just you wait and see!"

BUZZ (HOURS LATER): "#@&%X!"

BUZZ: "Five minutes, like I said."

DOCTOR PATRICIA: "More G force trauma. The Commander will survive but he'll need to drink and speak through a pin-sized straw for the rest of his wretched life."

EFFLUVIANS (ON THE SHIP'S VIEW SCREEN): "Earthlings! We're very sorry, but we had to shoot your ambassador. He was eating us out of house and home!"

BUZZ: "Gulp! Does this mean no lunch?"

MILDRED PIERCE REVISITED

NOTE: IF THE SPACE ABOVE IS BLANK, JUST CLICK ON THE EMPTY SPACE.

With all this talk about typography and movies, it might not be out of line to talk about the trailer (above) for "Mildred Pierce," my favorite 40s melodrama. The trailer is a self-contained work of art, but it's also typical of the high-end trailers of the period, and I thought it might be fun to pick it apart and see what makes the previews of that era so appealing.

As we get into it you'll see that rules of film logic that you clung to til now are repeatedly violated, and with good effect. The violations work! No doubt about it, this trailer will have you re-thinking what you thought you knew about film.

BTW, If this analysis looks familiar, that's because it is...I did this before in July, 2007, but I've had a lot of time to think about it since then, and I think I can do a much, much better job now. If I miss something please let me know.

Well, it starts with a tumultuous fanfare and a title that reads, "WARNER BROS. invite you to witness the first scene of a motion picture the whole world will TALK ABOUT...." [You expect to see the main title 'Mildred Pierce' here but nope, this is just a teaser. The filmmaker is deliberately stimulating a curiosity that he has no intention of satisfying yet.]

DISSOLVE to gunshots heard in an underlit room at night. BAM! BAM! Cut to a figure falling to the floor as the unseen shooter pumps more bullets into him. With his last, dying breath he says the word..."Mildred."

More quick shots and an announcer says: " 'Mildred'...a name gasped in the night...the one last word of a dying man...but one word that tells a thousand stories of a WOMAN...who left her mark on every man she met." This is the last time we hear the announcer. They only used him for one, long sentense at the start!

[I'll interrupt here to say that I read the novel the film is taken from, and the way Mildred is treated in the trailer is much more sensational and lurid than the way she's treated in the book. In the book she's not a femme fatale, but a hard-working, obsessed mother. But let's not quibble. The trailer sucks you in, that's the important thing.]



PLAYBOY: "Mildred had more to offer in a glance than most women give in a lifetime."

HUSBAND: "Mildred knew what she wanted and wasn't too particular about how she got it."

SLEAZY BOYFRIEND: "Loving her was like shaking hands with the Devil!"

Notice that we haven't heard any Mildred dialogue yet. Come to think of it, we haven't heard any dialogue by any character yet. The three men I just quoted were addressing the camera, just selling the film.

[None of this (above) fits with the tone of the book. I guess the Hollywood wisdom was that a film has to be about somebody interesting, and you relentlessly and single-mindedly sell that person before you do anything else. The plot is totally secondary.]

A TITLE sweeps up from the floor: "It's JOAN Crawford....(new title, building music)...in her most DARINGLY DIFFERENT portrayal...(big, new title and furiously building music)...'MILDRED PIERCE'."

[The music reaches a crescendo, and the trailer seems to want to end here, and it almost does...but wait... the filmmaker hasn't told us about the plot yet. Amazingly, after almost drawing to a close, the film music winds up again and we segway from an exit theme to a sentimental fresh start. This isn't a fluke. I see this technique in trailer after trailer. It violates all the rules, but it works beautifully!!!!!! Go figure!]

Do we get to hear dialogue from the film yet? NO! Instead we see clips of Mildred with different men and a new title sweeps in..."THE INTIMATE AFFAIRS of a WOMAN...(new title)...who refused to live BY THE RULES--

Wow! Can you believe that! Even after the new start, they still wouldn't let us hear Mildred!!!!!! Man, they're witholding her until we're drooling with frustration! Finally, we get some dialogue (it's about time), but the dialogue is interrupted by another title: "She tried TO KISS OFF a crime!"

Huh? Crime? What crime? The shooting was a long time ago, back at the start of the trailer. This kiss-off-a-crime title appears between clips of romantic dialogue. The filmmaker deliberately doesn't sync the titles with what's happening on the screen. Once again, the rules are broken! But it works! Watch the film again and see if you don't agree!

Well, the trailer goes on, and there's lots more I could comment on, but I better end here. So, what have we learned? I learned that selling personality is everything, that an audience will tolerate more postponed satisfaction than I ever dreamed possible, that an audience actually wants to be tortured with denial of climaxes, that it's okay if a story stops and starts up again, that visuals don't have to sync with the dialogue, and that film making is a mischievous game that you play with an audience.

SOME INTERESTING FILM TITLES

Mark Simonson, the artist who designed my "Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner" banner, has hooked me on typography. Here's are some examples of interesting film lettering gleaned from the links on Mark's site. See what you think.

I'll start with a fairly normal title card (above) from the 40s. It's straight-forward, flat poster art (above)...very effective when accompanied by good music.

More exciting were the titles that were laid over action. Usually these occurred at the end of trailers. The titles at the beginning of the film itself were usually more conservative.

I love how dramatic titles (above) often were done in a tiki style, as if they were ripped from canoes on cannibal islands. The incongruity of stark, primitive lettering over modern city backgrounds promised a story filled to the brim with raw emotion.

I assume this title (above) is also from the trailer, and not from the film. The title floating over the crowds and cars seems to convey a point that's not emphasized in the film, i.e., that we're going to see a story about grimy, sweaty, but somehow tragic and heroic urban man. It's a manifesto that declares the filmmaker's belief that modern man is a fit subject for great literature. I love manifestos. A film should convey passion. It should grab you by the collar and try to convince you of something.

I also love it when a film's graphics make points that aren't overtly contained in the script. They're best when they address the subtext rather than the text.

Here's a common Noir technique: The title appears over a city background but is framed by fuzzy black borders. You get the feeling that we're looking out at the world through malevolent, satanic eyes. Or maybe we're pulling down the slat of a blind to look at a scene in Hell.

I said that trailers usually contained better graphics than the film, but there were exceptions. Here's (above) a perfectly fine trailer end title...



...and an even better title graphic that appears at the start of the film. Once again the typography conveys weird, primitive, psychological energy, but it's laid over a classical, Rubenesque color scheme. The card promises thrills, but assures us that we're safe in the hands of a master storyteller.

Here's (above) the end title. In a comment Lester said the constable seems to say "Alright, folks, move along. There's nothing to see here. Nothing to see," and that's exactly right. It's a terrific counterpoint to the high-intensity drama we just witnessed.

I would add that there's something weird about the shot. The graphic seems to say, "The story is over now...you can go home and relax...but impish, malevolent magic is still at work in the world, so don't relax too much. "

BTW: The link to Mark's site and the Annyas screenshots that Mark linked to:

http://www.marksimonson.com/

http://www.annyas.com/screenshots/