THE FAMOUS ASS CAKE PICTURE

Well, here it is, the famous Ass Cake picture! The picture was taken at Bob Clampett's house in the early eighties. It was Bob's birthday and John Kricfalusi and Wendell Washer had conspired to make this truly one-of-a-kind present for Bob. The heart shape is actually two Sarah Lee cakes shaped into buttocks with licorice for hairs and a real pair of butcher shop bull testicles to represent...well, to represent testicles. The cow tongue represents...er...a tongue! Bob loved it! I, in my red and white Uncle Eddie costume, took the picture.
It's worth commenting on John's expression (detail, above) in this picture. This is my all-time favorite picture of John. He's ecstatic! I don't know if a human being can look happier than he does here. And why not!? He's in the home of his hero, he's surrounded by friends and he's got his whole career ahead of him! It was a magical night. I swear, you could feel the electricity in the air.

WARNERS SHOULD RELEASE "COAL BLACK" ON DVD

Have you ever wondered why black characters in recent cartoons are so badly drawn? The ones above are from Clampett's "Coal Black" in the mid 40s and they're drawn great, but take a look at the ones from modern cartoons like "Bebe's Kids" and "Boonedocks"....Arrrgh! What happened?




I really don't know what happened but I'll make a guess.
"Coal Black" was considered racist by some critics and was taken out of circulation. Later artists, many of whom had never seen Coal Black, were forced to reinvent the wheel and come up with a whole new way of drawing funny black people. That's a tough problem. When I try to draw a funny white guy I can reference Elmer Fudd and dozens of others. I don't have to start from scratch. I can reference a tradition. Artists who try to reference the tradition of funny black drawings have a door closed in their face.

Let me make it clear where I stand about racial issues. I can't stand racists or racism. I would never do anything to promote racism. But even I can see that that the ban on Coal Black is handicapping the development of funny black cartoons. History will never forgive us if we let the hip-hop era slip through our fingers without comedic comment. Warners doesn't have to put Coal Black on TV but it should at least make it available on DVD where artists, including black artists, can get hold of it.

IS YOUR CLUTTER UNARTISTIC?

I don't know about you but I judge another artist's worth entirely by the quality of the clutter in his house. I don't blame an artist for having clutter, that's normal, but an artist's clutter should be...what's the word I'm looking for.....artistic!


Even insurance salesmen have clutter but the difference is that our clutter is ..."heightened!" We know how to create interesting piles. Our piles lean in interesting ways and contain challenging shapes and colors. Even our kitchen utensils hang in a stimulating way.


My advice to artists who are talented but somehow never acquired the ability to make interesting piles is to hire a pile advisor right away. Don't procrastinate! You may already have lost jobs due to your inattention to this area! For the convenience of artists who live in L.A. I'll mention that I'm open for consultation but I warn you that I don't come cheap and I must have classical music and occassional saltines while I work.

HOW I ALMOST BECAME A MOVIE STAR (PART III)

OK, so there I was in the casting director's office with one of my buck-toothed clones. The director said she wanted us to go outside into the hall and think of a sketch we could do by way of an audition. My heart almost stopped! Audition!!!???? I thought I had the job because of favoritism! What's this "audition" stuff!? We were supposed to knock on her door when we were ready to perform. I was shocked! Only ten minutes before I had the part sewed up because the star liked me...now I was expected to prove myself??? "Prove???" You mean merit!?? How could that be? How could the universe be so cruel!?

Out in the hallway I asked my clone if he had any ideas for a sketch. He said he didn't, that he'd leave it up to me. I frantically pieced together a story from old comedy ideas I had and I ran every bit by him . He OK'd each part in turn and when I asked him if he wanted to change anything he assured me that it was fine just the way it was. We knocked on the door and the director leaned back in her chair and said, "OK, entertain me!"
My clone had the first line so I waited a moment while he prepared. I was kind of proud of myself for coming up with such a funny opening line, something about a guy asking me if I'd mind watching out for him while he changed his pants in the middle of traffic. Finally the clone looked up gravely and slowly said the line from hell that I'll never forget........."Uncle Vanya, what were talking about is the inadequacy of society to meet the demands of self, and this inadequacy is revealed by the gardener's social maladaption, which can only be pointless, is that not true!?" I was white as a sheet. Self what?

With quivering lip I pretended he gave me the pants line and I said something like, "You mean change your pants in the middle of traffic? Why that's rather unusual isn't it?" the clone looked at me like I was crazy and replied with something about death being the root of all godliness. I was mortified, reduced to a quivering pile of jelly. The clone was quoting something from somebody like Chekov! It had nothing to do with what we agreed on! I was a dead man!

My knees started shaking and my whole body trembled. I couldn't remember any more pants lines. From what seemed like far away I heard the casting director thank us and tell us to send in the next two clones. Shaking like a blender full of rubber I turned and slowly dragged myself out the door. As I plodded barely conscious through the waiting room a bunch of clones studied my shaking and tried to imitate it. I paid no attention. I passed shaking into the parking lot and into obscurity knowing that I had just lived the worst day of my life.

Well, there's more but I have to be brief so I'll end it there. Now you know the story.

Story copyrighted by Eddie Fitzgerald, 9/10/06

HOW I ALMOST BECAME A MOVIE STAR (PART II)

So there I was! My buck teeth and the persistance of Dom Deluise had landed me a part in a major film! Life was good! The film was still in pre-production while the set was being constructed and I didn't worry about the role I was going to play because I knew I had it locked in.

One day I got a summons from the casting department. Nothing strange about that. I used to have a desk there and they were probably mad because I forgot to clean it out. I casually walked across the lot and to my suprise, before my eyes could adjust to the interior light, I was pushed into the waiting room of the casting director. What I saw there was absolutely the strangest, most disturbing thing I'd ever seen in my life!

Lined up on chairs all around the waiting room were clones of myself. Every one of them looked just like me: receeding chins, big noses, big ears, buck teeth, similar clothes...it was like looking into an endless mirror! Not only that but someone tipped them off that I was the original and they were all imitating me!!!!! If I scratched my nose eight clones scratched right along with me! I can't begin to tell you how weird that was! I forgot to say that when I last talked to the director he'd taken a Polaroid of me. He must have given it to the casting director and she must have scoured the town for clones who were professional actors! Thus the room of me!

I don't have the bandwidth to finish this. Sorry but I 'll need a part three to end it. Do stay tuned because there's an unexpected twist and the story gets even weirder!

Continued next time! (copyright 9/8/06)

HOW I ALMOST BECAME A MOVIE STAR! (PART I)

I don't know if I have enough bandwidth to tell this story, even in two parts. I'll do my best. Here goes....

A long time ago a friend with connections got me a job storyboarding for a big Universal film called "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." It was an expensive film for its day and the actors were some of the time's most expensive actors: Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, and Dom Deluise. I wasn't a union member but the director liked my work so he paid for a union storyboarder and didn't use him, just so I could work on the film. It was great! I had a fancy office next to the director, I got to hob-knob and explore, and the work was really fun!

One day I was sitting on a box eating a tunafish sandwich on a soundstage, watching the dancers rehearse. The girls were wearing next to nothing so you can imagine that I was pretty absorbed, so absorbed that I failed to notice that someone was watching me. When I finally turned around I was amazed to see that Dom Deluise was right behind me, staring down at me. He lunged at me and shouted, "I've been watching you! You'd be perfect to play my dumb assistant!!!! You're an actor aren't you!!!???" I was completely dumbfounded and, with tuna dripping from my mouth, I blurted out. ".......Uh...no." He looked disappointed then bolted up. "It doesn't matter! You want the role don't you!?" I nodded yes. "Then you've got it!!!! I'm gonna talk to Collin (the director) right now!" And he stormed out.

I was in seventh heaven! I'd been...even now I have to swallow when I think about it...DISCOVERED! I could live in Beverley Hills, snub all my friends, wear cheetah-skin jackets, live (as Ren would say) de highlife!...MY SHIP HAD COME IN! My feet barely touched the ground! When I went home that night I raced to the phone and called everybody I knew but to my suprise they were skeptical: "Eddie, think about it. Dom Deluise is probably a nice guy who promises things like that to people all the time and nothing ever comes of it. You're just getting your hope up for nothing!" So many people said that that I began to think they were right and over the next week I gradually put it out of my mind.

One day I got a call summoning me to the director's office. He said, "Dom Deluise has been pestering me for a week. He says he has to have you for the dumb assistant. Have you ever acted before?" Weeeeeeeelll, this time I was prepared! I confidently rattled off every grade school play and pageant that I was ever in, making it seem like the whole kid world would have collapsed without me. Collin listened blankly then looked out the window. After an eternity he said, "OK... you've got it! But remember! Less is more!!!" WOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!! Thank God for buck teeth! Moments later I found myself in the parking lot jumping up and down and punching the air! SUCCESS! SUCCESS AT LAST!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW...........(copyright Eddie Fitzgerald 9/7/06)

WE'RE BACK!!!!!!