My name is Mildred and this is my autobiography.
I grew up on a farm where I had a certain reputation...deserved, I suppose.
But it was kinda boring there.
All the boys in my town just liked to drink and fight. I thought, geez, there had to more to life than that...so I hitched a ride to the big city.
Now THAT was a change!
Haw! I only succeeded in holding down one normal job.
After that I got "connected." I took some serious risks and made some serious money.
You wouldn't believe the situations I got into.
I had a few laughs, took a few hard knocks.
Maybe some guys trusted me who shouldn't have.
That last caper put the fear into me. I almost got nabbed! One day I came across a "marriage wanted" ad in the paper and I went for it. It was a chance to lay low for a while.
Okay, the guy wasn't the handsomest man in the world.
Anyway, it didn't work out. I just didn't feel right around my husband's creepy friends.
And he experimented on me! Really! It was horrible!
One day I couldn't take it anymore and I pushed him into a vat of acid. As his smoldering skeleton slipped beneath the liquid he made one last grab and pulled me in.
As you can imagine I thought that was the end, but amazingly I found myself in the sky, winging my way Heavenward.
I couldn't believe my eyes! I found myself in the afterlife, surrounded by all my old friends...um, if you can call them that. Everybody I used to know! I didn't know they let people like us into classy places like this! Wow! What a kicker!
And there on a rock was a harp, just waiting for me to pick it up and play! It was all too good to be true!
"Hmmm," I wondered out loud, "I wonder if Heaven has any pawn shops? That harp must be worth something."
ON MILDRED'S EYES:
HUSBAND (VO): "No Dear Wife, but you won't need the harp."
THE HUSBAND: "After my next experiment you won't have anything to play it with!"