THE LONE STRANGER (PARODY)

LONE STRANGER: "Well, there they are, Pronto! The Dalton Gang. They robbed the stage this morning, and now it looks like they're headed for town to celebrate."

LONE STRANGER: "My guess is that they hid the loot in their hideout.

PRONTO: "Mmmmm, that the logical inference, KemoSappy."

LONE STRANGER: "Pronto! Take this disguise, ride into town, and see if you can find out what they're gonna do next! We'll meet up at their hideout. Nobody's there now so I'll head over and see if I can find out where they hid the loot!"

    

PRONTO: "(GASP!) Ooooo! You mean that I get to wear the di...you mean that this time I'M the one who...."

PRONTO: "......Yes Sir, Lone Stranger, yes sir! RIGHT AWAY!"

PRONTO: "What a man! He's my HERO!"

LATER AT THE HIDEOUT:

LONE STRANGER: "Nothing there. Nothing here. Oh, Good Grief! Somebody spit in the coffee!"

SFX: OUTSIDE FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THE DOOR.

LONE STRANGER: "Uh-oh! It's the gang!"

LONE STRANGER: "GOTCHA!"

LONE STRANGER: "Rob old ladies, will 'ya!?"

LONE STRANGER: "Prey on the innocent, will you!?"

LONE RANGER: "You wanna stop the progress of the West?"

LONE STRANGER: "Stop this, why don't cha ?"

LONE STRANGER: "Am I inconveniencing you?"

LONE STRANGER: "Oops! Pardon me!""

LONE STRANGER: "TELEGRAM!"

The Lone Stranger reacts to something and drops his guns.

LONE STRANGER: "WAIT!!!!!!"

LONE STRANGER: "Pronto...is...is that you? I didn't recognize you in that disguise!"

PRONTO (GROGGY): "The ship was wasted on the blue morning elves while they hauled lively livers staunchly in the rain, n'est pas?

LONE RANGER: "C'mon Pronto! You don't need an expensive doctor! A little fresh air and you'll be fine!"

LATER: THE STRANGER TALKS TO SOME COWBOYS FROM THE TOWN.

LONE STRANGER: "You say the Dalton Gang was hit by a meteor!? No survivors?  Well, it looks like our work here is done, eh Pronto?

PRONTO (STILL INCOHERENT): "The badger's underwear shrieks in the flame while noodles redirect the fish."

LONE STRANGER: "Uh...right! Adios, boys!"

THEY MOUNT UP AND RIDE AWAY. 

COWBOY #1: "I didn't get the masked man's name. Who is he?"

COWBOY#2: You didn't recognize him!? Why, I reckon he's known throughout the West."

COWBOY#2 (VO): "That there's ...'THE LONE STRANGER!' "

LONE STRANGER (SHOUTS): HI-Ho SLIVER...and AWAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!

SPLAT! 

A giant woman's foot comes into sc. and crushes the duo!

This is by way of an ad for the next Theory Corner photo story: "Valley of the 50 ft. Women."

Post Script: Sorry for the bad photoshopping. I had to cut every corner possible just to finish this thing and get it off my desk. Also, I had to do all the drawing with a mouse. Have you ever tried to draw with those things?

DRAT!!!!!!!!

DRAT!   I COULDN'T FINISH ON TIME!

I'll put the next post up sometime during the day today (Wed.).

I WISH I COULD TAKE ELOCUTION LESSONS!

I did some reading this morning on the subject of elocution. Man, I wish I'd gotten some of that when I was in grade school. Imagine being able to talk like Darth Vader or Winston Churchill or...Ian McKellen.

Here's a clip from a comedy sketch where Ian McKellen attempts to teach Ricky Gervais how to act. I love the way McKellen varies his pace and emphasis: "Not....much....theaterworkoflate." Then he asks, "How...do I ACT......sowell? What I do is...I...PRETEND...to BE....the PERSONI'mportraying." Wow, very nice! He breaks the sentences down into individual words and word groups and then gives each a special treatment.

In a general way the actor's job is to artistically vary the pace and emphasis of a sentence without diluting it's dramatic force. That's hard to do. Most of us can do either variety or dramatic truth one at a time, but to do them simultaneously, and still give the illusion of spontaneity...well, that takes a lot of practice.

Then there's the matter of tone.

It's important to have a good tone when you speak. I like the smooth-as-satin tone of Vincent Price reading Tim Burton's "Vincent." I like the gravel in Johnny Cash's voice. Now how do I acquire a tone like that?

An awful lot of elocution teachers seem to be frustrated yoga instructors. They put a lot of emphasis on standing and bending correctly when you speak. That doesn't feel right to me. That's only for professionals. And I don't like my instruction books to have trendy titles like "Your Right to Speak." My right? You mean "the man" wants me to speak badly?

I like what the girl above is doing. It centers on things that are more intuitively right like forming the word in back of the mouth where it resonates more. The problem here is that the girl's own voice needs work, and I had trouble imagining  some of the vibration she's talking about. I guess that's why personal instruction is so useful. One book said it takes 7 hours a week of live instruction for a period of about a year to get the voice working right. Geez, I'll bet that's not cheap. 

  Vocal instructors are always obsessing over the diaphragm. After doing a little research, I finally understand why. The lungs rest on the diaphragm, which is just underneath them. If you breath the wrong way the lungs have nowhere to expand to because they're blocked on the bottom by the diaphragm. They only fill up to only half of their capacity. 

If you want to increase the lungs' capacity, you have to breathe the right way... which is to expand the stomach outward when you breathe. This causes the diaphragm to drop, and give the lungs a lot more room. Nifty, huh? Of course it makes you look fat. 

   

If I ever take voice lessons it'll have to be from people who know how to speak themselves, like Ted Williams, the famous homeless radio announcer (above).

Maybe CD courses are the way to go. In the car I could mimic the speaker and do lots of variations. I could lengthen the vowels and add my own pauses. I could inflect the end of a sentence up or down. I could savor so-called "glottal" words that begin with abrupt, soft vowels like "absolutely," "amenities" and "accent."

But how would I know what the good CDs are?

ACCIDENTAL RACISM?

No, not by a long shot. I'm doing a Lone Stranger episode and the Tonto-type character just doesn't seem funny without the long nose. I don't think most indians really had big noses, but Sitting Bull had a huge schnoz, and cartoonists seem to have taken their cue from him.  Now it's a convention. What's an artist to do?

Maybe I'll delete panels like the one above and go for a salami nose. Nobody on the planet has a nose like that, so who could I offend?  Besides, I'm part indian and I have a big nose, so I figure I'm entitled.

What do you guys think?

MY SOLUTION FOR NEW YORK'S "UGLY" PROBLEM

That's (above) the way New York City looked in 1950. Pretty impressive, eh?

But that was then, and this is now. Let's face it, present day New York has an ugly problem. A lot of the city was built in the tens and twenties and  that style hasn't always aged gracefully. There are exceptions, but the fact remains that even places like Dubai and Yemen have cities that look better than New York now, at least in some areas.

Well, there's not much money to rebuild now, so we'll have to live with the old warhorse as is for a while longer. Here's my probably cock-eyed suggestions for prettying up the city and bringing in more tourist dollars without spending a lot of money.

Suggestion #1: More trees would help, and so would more shops on the exterior ground floors of buildings.

Suggestion #2: Do something about the awkward spaces between some of the tired old buildings. I don't mean the giant skyscrapers, which I love, but the dirty, dismal structures that are maybe seven or eight stories high. Buildings like that are often surrounded by ugly streets that are way too wide, are hard to cross, and are wind traps in the winter.

For certain streets like that, I suggest an elevated boardwalk over the traffic. Build it to look either deliberately old fashioned or ultra-high tech; either is okay provided that it looks very inviting to users. Make it for walking and for bicycles. The boardwalk would follow an irregular path around the area, covering the streets that need a little magicians' misdirection to divert attention away from their ugliness.

Suggestion #3: Take some profession with lots of visibility like bus driving, and limit the practitioners to beautiful women in miniskirts. Sure it's unfair to everybody else who wants a job, but the idea is to bring in tourist dollars.

Suggestion #4: Make the world's first roller coaster mass transportation. I don't mean something with loop-the-loops or really high hills...just something fast and fun and hilly that careens around the streets above the traffic. Maybe there's almost a mile between stops. This would be for physically fit riders only, and would not be a substitute for normal bus routes. Build just one to see if it catches on.

Suggestion #5: Seed the city with exotic birds. Stock the river with shore-hugging fish with a high tolerance for dirty water.

Suggestion #6.....no, that's enough for now.

Post Script: Okay, New York is a heck of a lot more visually interesting than Dubai...I overstated that...but you can see what I'm getting at, can't you?

THE BEST OPENING OF A MEXICAN FILM

Steve Worth does it again! Steve says this (above) is the all time best opening of any Mexican film, and who am I to argue? It's great! It looks like something Jerry Lewis would have come up with. The movie is "Tin Tan y Las Modelos;" in English: "Tin Tan and the Models."

THE BEST MEXICAN FILM I KNOW OF

Steve Worth turned everybody he knows onto this gem of a film, "Al Son Del Mambo." It's about Mexican show people who travel to Havana in 1950 to check out Perez Prado, the great Cuban mambo king. At least I think that's what it's about...It's in Spanish and I can't understand a  thing!

Perez Prado and his band (above) are stupendous here, and the dancing is to die for. That woman is great! Man, you can't keep your feet still when music like this is playing! But poor Perez Prado...look what his tailor did to him!



The film blends Mexican and Cuban styles and amazingly, the combination works! That's Mexican star Pedro Galindo above singing a killer version of "La Malaguena Salerosa." Man, Mexicans in this era could really belt out ballads! What a sentimental and romantic people they must be!

I love the way the director, Chano Urueta, shot this song. Unfortunately this clip doesn't include Galindo's entrance which is deliberately delayed to build tension. When he finally arrives the director gives him a head to toe shot (also not here) which establishes him as the ultimate vaquero, resplendid in the uniform of the Mexican cowboy.

 And Urueta knows how to shoot romance. He plays it straight and sincere, with no hint of mockery. He makes you believe that these people really are in love, and that love is the most important thing in the world.



Above, more Cuban music from the film's 20 minute grand finale: Perez Prado and dancer Amalia Agular wow everybody...the vocalist isn't bad, either.

I love the Cuban style which appears to be influenced partly by Las Vegas of all things. I'm no expert on Cuban history, but it looks to me that Cuba was poised to become a real cultural and economic powerhouse before Castro buggered it up.



If you recognized Galindo's song "Malaguena Salerosa" maybe that's because you heard it on the soundtrack to Kill Bill 2. Here (above) Robert Rodriquez and Chingon do a fast contemporary version of it for a premier party. It gets a terrific arrangement here.

So that's it. Now go out and buy the Prado film. Good luck finding it, though. I don't even know if it's in print any more.

BTW: Aaaargh! I forgot the Dolly Sisters clip. Have enough stamina for one more video?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7qrVPMVa2w

GRADUATION: GAUDEAMUS IGITOR

I almost forgot...Friday was graduation day for students all over the country! I don't know why I always get sentimental about that. Maybe it's because graduation is a powerful symbol of civilization and hope. Anyway, for the graduates out there...congratulations! You did it!!!

By way of a gift, here's my favorite youtube version of the traditional academic anthem, "Glaudeamus Igitor." I wish I knew the origin of this beautiful song. One internet source says it's from medieval Germany and was brought to its present form by Brahms.



The lyrics (above) are beautiful and heartrending. It's a song about death and the tragic shortness of life. It's also about youth and the great academics of the past.  It's both a drinking song and a serious meditation on life and the purpose of education. When students wanted to honor an esteemed professor they'd gather around him and sing this song.

"THE LONE STRANGER"

I had an idea for a photo story featuring Bob Clampett's parody character, "The Lone Stranger," but gearing up for it took longer than I thought. Now it's time to post and I have only these Photoshop doodles to show. Oh, well......

Maybe I should act out the story myself. That's (Ahem!) me above. 

The Lone Ranger is my favorite cowboy hero ever. The modern hero is usually a normal guy who's thrown into a tough situation and is amazed to discover that he has the "right stuff." Not so, The Lone Ranger. He was a hero right from the start. The show rightly assumed that heroes exist, and that every kid wanted to be one.

The Stranger was a master of disguise (above). What do you think of my gloves? 

Aaaaargh! This picture (above) didn't turn out so well. I'll print it tiny.

NEW DISCOVERIES IN ASTRONOMY

Remember that first volcano plume that we spotted on Io eighteen years ago? Everybody expected it to subside after a time, the way Earth volcanoes do. Well, all this time later it's still raging, strong as ever. Maybe that's an indication that there's no plate tectonics on Io, nothing solid to slide over the hemorrhaging wound and plug it up.

Maybe that shouldn't surprise anybody...after all, the red spot (above) on Jupiter's been there at least since Galileo's time, and that's volcanic in origin, isn't it? Actually it probably isn't. There's no solid surface on Jupiter til the we get to the core, and the core shouldn't have any liquid inside. The red spot's still a mystery.

This amazing photo (above) is of a dwarf star which has just exploded.

 The black mice above are extremely dense clouds which will eventually condense into stars. They're flat and bleeding material into space in a single direction, a sign that some kind of force is condensing them.

Above, the exact South Pole of the Moon. The good news is that this small region would make a good site for a moon base since it's always bathed in sunlight and is believed to be more likely to contain frozen water than other areas. The bad news is that the surface looks like it's taken a very high number of impacts. Is it safe to build anything there?

Until recently there was no way to test Einstein's prediction that a rotating mass will produce magnetism. Now a space experiment has confirmed it. The effect is subtle, but unmistakable. Wow! How often do we discover basic physical laws like this?

SHORT WOMEN

Okay, it's time to discuss science. I'll begin by conceding that some girls (above) are bigger than their boyfriends...we've all seen a few couples like that. 

Most girls, however, are significantly shorter than their men. I mean a LOT shorter! Standing beside them is like standing next to a kid.  They're such tiny little things!

I grant you that women (above) are not without gifts...

...but the fact remains that we men could all have million dollar bills taped to the tops of our heads, and most women would never know it. It is we males that see over the world's fences, we that commune with the gods of the sky.

The result of this inequality of height is that women have become obsessed with appearing taller. By the millions they painfully walk on stilts (above) to buy a few extra inches.

  

 Women are always complaining that they can't find comfortable shoes, and no wonder...there is no such thing as a comfortable stilt. High heels can also cause serious damage to bones and muscles, but women wear them nevertheless...so great is their desire to look their boyfriends in the eye...or at least the chest. 

The desire to appear taller also affects the way they dress. They wear miniskirts because it makes them appear taller. That's fine by us men, but it really limits the way women can move.

It even effects their hair styles! They wear long, straight hair (above) to give them added verticals to fake height.

Have you ever wondered why women carry such big handbags? Part of the reason is that they have to carry a big old pair of sneakers with them. High heels hurt so much that they need to constantly switch shoes during the day. It must be a drag to carry those big bags around, but girls think the added height is worth it. 

All this is puzzling to a guy. I mean, women look better than we do, even when they're small...why  obsess over height? I don't know. Can anyone out there explain this?

BTW: Thanks to the brave soldiers, past and present, whose sacrifices made free expression in blogs like this one possible!

WHAT KILLED ROMANCE COMICS (EXPANDED)?

What killed romance comics? I wish all questions were as easy to answer. It's pretty obvious that what killed love comics were.....good realistic artists.  Expert draughtsmen like Neal Adams, simply couldn't master the surreal, grotesque world of twisted love.  Good draughtsmen took over the romance comics and drove the readers away.

I know what you're thinking...Jack Kirby (above) was a good draughtsman and he did a great job on the romance comics, so where does he fit in? The answer is that Kirby was the rare exception who had the imagination of a bad draughtsman combined with the technical skill of a good one.  Less imaginative,  realistic draughtsmen like the artists at D.C. simply couldn't get down and dirty enough to imagine the bizarre poses that romance requires.

BTW: How do you like the Kirby drawing above? I like the way the man with blocky fingers wraps his arm around the girl with the webbed claws.  Amazingly, their faces seem to occupy the same space.

Above, a story about a girl who has to choose between a handsome normal guy and a loathsome hippie. With a subject like that it should have been a great cover, but the editor handed it over to a technical artist who had no soul. You see the result.

Here (above) a less skilled but more imaginative artist does a better job. The giant wicked city woman looms over her tiny boyfriend and lays it on him that she's slept with every man in town. The man should have been red-faced, but that was impossible given the position of his hands. Undaunted, the resourceful colorist instead made the man's hands red...and it works. Technical artists never do fun things like that.

  How do you like the "Man Starved" cover above? The figures are pretty stiff but the tryst is solemnized by the unnatural, stylized neck poses, the poker chip moon,  and the devil car watching on the bottom right. Only a lesser artist would have thought of cool stuff like this!

Boy, artists were fond of those wonky neck poses (above)! In real life the girl's neck might be broken by a pose like this this, but it works. The man's hand is goofy too, but it fits with the weird heads and horror comics color. You accept it as a stylistic flourish. 

Is this guy (above) kissing a cardboard cutout? What are those ginger root thingies on her arms? And why is she posed like that? I don't know, but it works for me. This is the kind of artist who belongs in the romance biz. 

The girl (above) puts her tiny little arms around her giant behemoth of a boyfriend, who appears to be sucking on her forehead. The artist is on to something here. The real life size difference between men and women is often shocking. You can't imagine how people so different could even procreate. Only an imaginative lesser draughtsman would be bold enough to take the trouble to comment on this.  

Here (above) the girl has the usual tiny arms, awkward perspective cheats, and fish fingers.  That's okay, I'm used to it. 

What I'm not used to is the way their faces fit on their skulls, The girl's face is extremely wide, and wraps around the whole front of her head. The boy's features are just the opposite...they're pinched and cramped on a thin, vertical strip on the front of his face. You see incongruities like this all the time in real life, but only the lesser draughtsman is brave enough to comment on it. 

I wonder if sci-fi artist Fletcher Hanks (above) ever tried his hand at romance comics?

Imagine a story where a big, angry boyfriend discovers another guy trying to muscle in on his girl. Fletcher Hanks would have aced it, and created a comic classic.

Many thanks to Romans for the comment that identified this artist.  

NEXT POST ON MONDAY MORNING,  MAY 30TH!