THEORY CORNER FOR MEN (SORRY GIRLS, MEN ONLY!)

Welcome to "THEORYBOY" MAGAZINE!

TODAY'S GUEST: THE EDITOR AND PUBLISHER OF THEORYBOY: UNCLE EDDIE!

THE INTERVIEW:

Most men would believe they'd died and gone to heaven. Theory Mansion is not to be believed.  Imagine a never-ending party in a house with a 24 hour kitchen and an indoor heated pool replete with grottoes.  At the hub of all this is the rugged pioneer of internet men's magazines, Theoryboy founder, Uncle Eddie. 

When he's not downstairs yucking it up with naked women, or partying with the greatest wits of his time, he can usually be found upstairs, working on the latest installment of the Theoryboy Philosophy. When we found him he was in his robe and pajamas, smoking away on his cigarette holder, and typing on his old Smith-Corona.

THEORYBOY: "Hi Mr. Uncle Eddie! Do you mind if I come in?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "No, have a seat! I'll be with you in a sec!"

UNCLE EDDIE (TYPING FEVERISHLY): "OK you little Sucker! How 'bout this...and that...and...this...



UNCLE EDDIE: "...DONE! Oh, and just call me plain old Uncle Eddie. We don't stand on formality around here. Want a Pepsi?"

THEORYBOY (SITTING): "No thanks, but I'm curious to know what you were working on."

UNCLE EDDIE: "Well, It's the galley proofs for the next issue of Theoryboy. This is our lead story, real classy stuff! I just wrote a blurb for it. Here, read it and see what you think!"

THEORYBOY (READING): "Footsteps outside the door. Boards creaking. A hand fumbling at the door. The door swinging open. A shaft of moonlight penetrating the room and falling upon the sleepwalking figure of a woman with loathsome black gloves.  Beulah wanted to scream, but in her nudity she was helpless to act. Yes, Beulah was going to learn something tonight, something about hungry black gloves, something about naked flesh, and maybe...just maybe...about something more elusive...HERSELF!"

THEORYBOY (CONT): " 'Herself?'  Boy, that's heavy.  Very psychological!"

UNCLE EDDIE:  "Yeah, we figure it's the psychology that gives our stories the edge."

THEORYBOY: "And what are those pictures on the bed over there?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Those are candidates for the centerfold! Real nice nerd girls, all of them! The winner will get a scholarship to study at the Uncle Eddie Institute for Advanced Physical Research. Here, take a look. Which do you like best?" 

THEORYBOY: "Wow! A really nice girl!"


THEORYBOY: "Yikes!!! That's a...(Gulp!)... very... nice... girl...too."

THEORYBOY: "And this one's...um...interesting...yes, very interesting! I hate to say it, but I don't think I can pick a favorite. They're all pretty appealing!"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Yeah, it's hard isn't it?"



THEORYBOY: "What's this (above)?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Oh, that's the 'What Kind of Man Reads Theoryboy?' page. That's there for the advertisers, but the girls got kind of surly that day."

"POSSESSED": A HALLOWEEN ROMANCE

SYDNEY: "Gertrude, I have to talk to you about something."

GERTRUDE: "Do we have to talk now, Sydney? I'm very tired."

SYDNEY: "Yes, it won't wait, I'm afraid. It's about...Stanley."

GERTRUDE: "Er...Stanley?"

SYDNEY (VO): "Yes. You said he was just a friend, but he was always around."

SYDNEY (VO): "Even so, you said he was a friend, and I believed you."

SYDNEY (VO): "He used my shaver, he wore my pajamas, he ate my breakfast cereal..."

SYDNEY (VO): "...but it was okay, because he was your...friend."

SYDNEY (VO): "Finally he left you for another...'friend.' You couldn't take that so you...well, you know what you did. I got you the best lawyer money could buy, and he got you off. But you weren't finished, were you?" 

SYDNEY (VO): "After Stanley there was Fred."

SYDNEY (VO): "After Fred there was Bill, the muscle guy. You caught both of them cheating. 

SYDNEY (VO): "What you did then...you called an 'adjustment'."

GERTRUDE: "The dirty two-timers. They got what they deserved."

SYDNEY: "Maybe, but keeping you out of jail has almost driven me to the poor house. I'm nearly broke." 

GERTRUDE: "I'm expensive. You know that."

SYDNEY: "There's another word to describe what you are, Gertrude."

SYDNEY: "I think you know what that word is."

GERTRUDE: "You mean, I'm....I'm....."

SYDNEY: "Yes, that's right. You are....."

SYDNEY: "...POSSESSED!!!"

SYDNEY (VO): "Now, with my last few dollars, I'm going to take advantage of this coupon in the newspaper. It's over between us."

GERTRUDE: "Ov...over?"

GERTRUDE: "Did you say, 'over?'"

GERTRUDE: "No man leaves me, Sydney. You of all people should know that."

SYDNEY: "Haw! Put that thing away. We couldn't afford another...adjustment."

GERTRUDE: "Afford? I'll show you, 'afford'."

ON THE FRONT DOOR: A man bursts into the room.

MARVIN: "Sorry to barge in! I'm from the apartment down the hall. I heard a noise and thought you might need help! Say, you're rather easy on the eye. Did anyone ever tell you that?"

 GERTRUDE: "Help? Yes...er...I could use some 'help'."

***************

HOW I MET MY WIFE

Folks are always are always asking how my wife and I met. Well, it was in New York City. I was an idealistic young animator, wandering the streets, lost in thought.

 I wasn't paying much attention to what was around me...

...or "who" was around me. I didn't notice the girl up ahead who'd stopped to light up a cigarette.

I stopped to light up myself, not realizing that I was muttering out loud.

EDDIE: "I could start the walk with an antic but it'll be funnier if the guy just goes into it...but then it'll look like I don't know what I'm doing."

DAISY: "What a dilemma!"

EDDIE: "Huh? Oh, sorry! I have an animation problem, but you wouldn't know anything about that."

DAISY: "Well, Mr. bigshot, it so happens that I DO know something about animation. I take it that you are familiar with the famous Chick Jones? He was the best director, you know."

EDDIE: "Chick Jones!? You mean CHUCK Jones? Yeah, he was great, but the real genius at that studio was Bob Clampett. Geez, when they directed at the same time Jones couldn't hold a candle..."

DAISY: "Well, there's an animation exhibit down the street. If you play your cards right I will permit you to take me there and show me this Bill Crumpet of yours.

THE NEXT DAY: AT THE MUSEUM OF COMIC ART:

EDDIE (VO): "Well, whaddaya think?"

DAISY: "I don't get it. That's what you like? Feet?"

EDDIE (VO): "That's from a storyboard done at Spumco, the best modern animation studio. It's a very funny drawing."

DAISY: "Hmmm...I'm learning something about you."

EDDIE: "Huh? About me?"

DAISY: "And what is this?"

EDDIE (VO): "That's a Chuck Jones character: Sniffles the Mouse."

DAISY (VO): "And this?  This is your Bill Crumpet?"

EDDIE (VO): "CLAMPETT,  Bob CLAMPETT! Yeah, that's from one of his cartoons. It's a lot funnier than Sniffles, I think."

DAISY: "Mmmm...I like Sniffles better."

EDDIE: "Well, maybe that's 'cause you're a girl. I mean, guys and girls like different things."

DAISY: "Oh, so now you don't like that I'm a girl?"

  

**************

Well, that's how it went down...well, er...sort of. In a way. Most of these pictures are from a film called "5 to 7."