Okay, here's (above) a revised version of the second draft. Please, please tell me if you find that any of it is still confusing. It works for me, but maybe I've lost my objectivity. Many, many thanks to commenters who let me know what was wrong with the previous versions. Click to enlarge.
Kali sent me this video (above)! What a pal! What a pal! Have you seen the George Liquor on a log that she's selling on her site? It's beautiful!
NOTE: I changed "Procopius" to "Polybius." Sorry for the confusion. Procopius was the Roman historian who wrote about all those horrible things the queen of the Eastern empire was alleged to have done. Polybius was a much earlier (and probably better) historian, who wrote about my hero Scipio Africanus.
I can't believe how many mistakes I made in the writing of this ad. Am I always this addled?
48 comments:
Awesome. Just the thought of you dressing up in those various guises specifically for this post is hilarious to me.
So wait - Bob Clampett is filed under "unhip", but Rod Scribner is under "hip"?
wow. thats was silly
Zoran: Clampett unhip!? No, just the opposite. All the names spoken by coffeehouse patrons are hip. Aaargh! Now you're making me paranoid.
If anyone else got the same mistaken impression as Zoran, will you let me know? If my meaning wasn't clear I might have to make a change.
Damn, I remember the time Mike O Donahue came to a local college, and I could not for the life of me pull any of my friends into going.
I imagine that is an old Nat Lamp Fumetti made Fun-Eddie?
AAH!!! *face slap* So the guy thinking "?" is a non-Corner reader! Okay, now it all makes sense.
I think the composition/layout might be distorting the message right now. I'm not sure how, but just maybe. I could have read some things out of order the first time. But also I had just barely gotten out of bed, so I could have just been a bit slow.
What a fun, inviting world of Eddie! Who wouldn't want to hang out here?
Would a little cheesecake of proven artistic merit be out of place?
don't be paranoid Uncle Eddie!
I had to go over it a couple times, but it all makes sense-
mr bow tie goes to the coffee shop, hears the hipsters talking about all the hip topics, but cannot relate, realizes he is chronically unhip. decided to only read uncle eddies theory corner from now on, and a couple days later returns to the coffeeshop and is the hippest hipster of them all.
am i reading it right?
Nice photoplay!
I think Zoran is paying you a compliment: the cafe people, in all their trappings, are unhip, while you, even in a plaid sportcoat and bowtie, are hip.
I dunno, would setting it on the Left Bank and doing it in black and white be any better?
BTW, that youtube clip has been making the rounds. Its the fourth or so blog I"ve seen it on, starting with the WFMU blog a few weeks ago.
Hope that the guy is still around that he can get something out of his new found popularity, in this part of the world, anyway.
I can't see how Milt Gross is "unhip." I'm really confused.
Zoran, Rooni, Pappy, Jerk: That's four people who had trouble understanding this, so a change is definitely in order! Thanks much; I appreciate the feedback.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_NrrQLVloo&feature=player_embedded
I think people are getting a little confused because they don't realize that the ? guy is supposed to be realizing that he is unhip. Not to mention right after the word unhip in big lettering you start naming random names. It took me 2 readings to get it myself. But it was still good.
Also, that trololololo guy... he frightens me... yet I just can't look away.
As a demographic sample, let me disclaim any personal hipness. It is to laugh.
It's confusing that the unhip guy looks so much like you.
Slash, Pappy: Thanks for the criticisms! Does the newest version work for you?
Pappy: The hip guy at the bottom is the same as the unhip guy at the top, He's been transformed into someone more suave and confident. Is it still unclear?
Anon: Thanks for the link! The trololo guy looks a lot different in your video, but when he starts to sing at the end he transforms!
I was a bit confused for a couple of seconds, but then I got it. Maybe a clearer layout would have Mr Bow-tie standing in between the large "CHRONICALLY UNHIP" writing and the other characters, to make it clearer that "CHRONICALLY UNHIP" refers to him and not to the conversation?
I understand that you want to have him at the background of the first panel, to show how marginalized he is in these conversations, but it might make it easier to distinguish the main character from the others if he is in the foreground all the time?
... and Jim Beam.
(I got it, Eddie. A tale of heroes and imperatives, name-dropping, etcetry, etcetry... and the guilt of being one of them despite yourself.)
TYPOS, Eddie! (Babbitt, Fosdick, Faraday...)
Also, words like schleppy are (arguably) funnier when they're not broken up or hyphenated, imho.
P.S: What about Kovacs?
K. Nacht: I didn't mean to make a statement about guilt. I wonder if anyone else read it that way.
Mike: Thanks for the useful corrections. I can't correct the "Chronically" headline, or add a hyphen, but I took care of "schleppy." I dropped Babbitt because the name is too easily mistaken for the character in the famous novel.
Schlep is actually a verb not an adjective.
It means to carry, but in an annoying way, like; "I have to schlep this all the way to the fourth floor?" Schlemiel is really a noun, but is maybe closer to what you mean.
(oy) Consult!
yiddish
Thomas: Thanks for the link. I've also heard schlep used to mean stupid and awkward.
I like the way Americans casually transform verbs into nouns and visa versa.
Eddie:
What I meant was: in the first few panels, you're playing against type. We can fix it in post. The last panel plays perfectly.
"Oh, Man! You are a mack after all!"
Thanks & thank-you, Kali for the trololo.
I've also heard schlep used to mean stupid and awkward.
No, Thomas is right. You're thinking of schlub, not schlep, (although I admit "schleppy" sounds funnier.)
"I like the way Americans casually transform verbs into nouns and visa versa."
"Verbing Weirds Language."
-Calvin
Matrix?! That movie was so hip it was tragically UNhip.
Mike: Schlub!? Thanks...that's a great word! Maybe I'll use it it if I have to make another change for any reason. Or maybe "schlubby."
I just looked up schlep on the Free Online Dictionary and they recognized a noun form defined as a person who's stupid or clumsy. It's not much of a stretch to apply the word to a site that's stupid or which attracts stupid or clumsy people.
Thomas: Nice Yiddish site!
John V: Aaargh! That would be a laborious change to make! Thanks, though!
Steve: Ahem! Matrix #1 was a good film. I'm amazed that you didn't like it!
Steve doesn't like any science fiction movie that isn't made by Walt Disney.
I think I understand... By focusing ones thoughts towards Uncle Eddy, one can become enlightened to all knowledge of the informed... As in; be in the Know of who and what who are of the supreme theory and genius. Clampett, John K, ect.are Gods. And Uncle Eddy is a Prophet, sent to inform of such things.
Wilson: The world is divided between two types of people: those who think anyone with strong opinions about literature and art is arrogant and pretentious, and those who enjoy all the posturing and squabling. I'm squarely in the second camp. The world would be a dull place without passionate argument and satire.
"K. Nacht: I didn't mean to make a statement about guilt. I wonder if anyone else read it that way."
Well, there's a revelatory moment where our unhip protagonist identifies with his multifarious hip antagonists... I suppose that would produce a sense of guilt in me. You see, I've found myself castigating the blah blah blah and find that We Have Met the Enemy and He is Us.
That's a great ad for your Theory Corner, Uncle Eddie. That would be an effective ad style for other products too. I'd love to see you advertise Coke or Starbucks in such a way. But, of course, that would be 'selling out to the man' and I'm pretty sure none of us want to see you do that.
I'd like to hear any theories you have about what recently happened to me.
David: Holy cow! Your link to the tragic love story with the Russian girl was fascinating! Well, as they say, live and learn!
About selling out to the man with ads: I love ads when they're done well and sell something worth while.
Does "Jimmy Tyre" refer to animator Jim Tyer? Because I'm assuming it doesn't mean this: http://www.uk-biking.net/Schwalbe-Jimmy-Tyre
John V: Another mistake! Many, many thanks for spotting it!
Eddie...
The way I read Yiddish, schlep is a verb -- however a schlepper would be a person who schleps....
But, I've been wrong before!
Wow,
I cannot tell how the Promo Fumetti was changed, for apparent clarities sake, because I am still reading it with the same meaning .as I did with the first draft.
But I do wonder if Eddie slipped releasing something that may have made it immediately understandable to some, and not to others. I immediately recognized it's satirical pedigree, if not necessarily the Michael O'Donahue version, but the same sort of ad that M'OD was drawing from.
That is, is the meaning, and humor still there if you do NOT for some reason see the historical antecedents? A similar extreme is humor that is completely topical, very dependant on the viewers knowledge of certain events.
Looney Tunes were actually quite full of such sort of inside humor of the times, but are still funny despite the cultural references being lost completely on later generations (Although, they are an excellent way to pick up on cultural history quite accidentally)
I've never seen Charles Boyer in Algeirs, but I sure have heard the mangled probably non-existant quote "Come weez me to ze Cashbah"
Hans: I'd be delighted to tell you which Lampoon it was in, but I saw it a long, long time ago, and can't remember more about it than what you see here.
You're not the only person who had trouble with this, so i'll have to pay more attention to clarity next time.
Or would you rather amplify the confusion?
Eddie,
After all the changes you've made, I still think 'schleppy' was the right choice. It might not mean what you think it means, but it sounds better than 'schlep' or 'schlub'. As for the rest of it, I understood what you meant on the first reading. This isn't an ad for the upcoming store, by any chance?
"Schlep" can be a noun, too as in: "You're all the way up on the fourth floor? Oy, that's a schlep!
If you're of a certain age, carrying is implied as one's ass is a burden which must be schlepped from place to place.
Just to add fuel to the fire....
I don't think the phrase "schlub web sites" really works.
Maybe have the character actuallly looking at a website that says 'Schlub Corner", or something like that.
I think some of the confusion lies in not knowing how the character finally learns of Theory Corner.
It seems like he knew about it before, because he says" Nothing but Theory Corner from now on, but if he knew about the site, then he would know all the names in the first panel of the cartoon.
Also, Is Shakespeare really "hip". He IS something but....
Maybe the best illustration for Theory Corner is this thread; going over the finer points of Schlep, Schlub and whatnot. :)
That video has got to be the most amazing thing in the history of mankind. Possibly earlier.
Eddie, for what it's worth, I read the fumettis content as you intended on the first draft, to the point that I do not really recall any differences in your clarified revision.
That is, I was not confused. I read it the same in the final draft as in the initial draft.
But you know where intention is almost always misunderstood? Facebook.
I got it too, Eddie, I swear!
I'd hate to see you rely on focus groups.
If someone else doesn't get the joke, it always makes me feel somehow special & not-retarded at the same time, if that's possible. The joke becomes a flag pole where my invisible soul-mates & I gather to salute you & congratulate ourselves.
Eddie Fitzgerald and Arny of one.
Just wanted to make clear that my last comment was only half serious, and if it came off as contentious, it was only mock- contentious.
I was only trying to be Theory Corner-y, not ornery.
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