HOW TO FIND THE MATE WHO'S MEANT FOR YOU

Believe it or not, I'm always happy to look at wallet photos of people's families, especially if the person showing them to me is someone I find appealing. That's because looking so often reveals couples who look genuinely happy in each other's company. That's no small thing. I find pictures like that to be bracing, and seeing them makes me feel good for hours after.

Some people manage to find that one in a million person who's exactly right for them. Take the people in the picture above. You can tell the guy loves to tell his wife jokes, and you can tell that she loves to listen to them. Isn't that interesting? Man, someone pretty with breasts and a charming personality to laugh at your jokes...that's Heaven on Earth. What more could you ask for?

The amazing thing is that nice people like this manage to find each other. What are the odds? I mean the person who's right for you could be selling cigarettes in Khazakistan. How on Earth would you ever find that person? I have an answer, but I warn you...it's not logical.

My utterly unprovable belief is that that a supernatural power finds that person for you, and makes sure that you collide with each other on the street. It's as simple as that. If the cigarette seller in Khazakistan really, really is the right person for you, then a supernatural force will arrange for that person to be in your town, on your street, and bump into you. Bam! There go the groceries all over the sidewalk! All you have to do is not be a loser and ignore the gift that's just been given to you.

One of the cool things about finding the right person is that you'll have cool children, and when they grow up they'll also have cool children, so you'll have a little dynasty of coolness going for a couple of generations. Somewhere down the line your progeny will turn into serial killers who can never find their keys for all the heroin needles that are lying all over the house, but there's not much you can do about that, so why worry?

Above, an example of cool children. I could look at pictures like this all day.

Many thanks to CAM Thompson who told me about the site where I found these pictures, a blog called "Sexy People." Jorge Garrido turned me on to something else, which I direct you to below....

....a caricature of me by Aaron Philby! I look like I'm 95 years old here, but the age gives me...gravitas. Thanks, Aaron!

http://aaronphilby.blogspot.com/2008/08/caricature-of-eddie-fitzgerald.html

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF FINDING MR. RIGHT?

Boy, I really made a mistake by starting the "Love nerds" blog so quickly, with only the smallest warning. Very few people had ready-made films to post, and making one from scratch is a big undertaking if you haven't done it before. I think I'll modify the Nerd site to accept still photographs as well as videos, and put a little less emphasis on romance. It would simply be nice to see the people who post here, so if you have a photo, send me a link and I'll post it on Love Nerds.

Anyway, the subject of romance is still heavy on my mind, so here's my latest thought on the subject. It's a question: what percentage of the crowd above...of the opposite sex in the crowd above...are likely to find your type of person appealing? What percentage would want to have a serious relationship with someone like you? Well, obviously there's no telling, but my strong hunch is that the number would be smaller than you think.



You look at any group photo and at first glance it looks like at least half of the people in it might find someone like you appealing, but look again. People have a lot of unconscious prejudices. The closer you look the more plausible it is that something about you might seem vaguely alien to some of these people. I'm not talking about racial or ethnic distinctions. I mean something more peculiar than that.

[Since all my photo reference is of women, I'll assume the reader is a guy.]



For example, smooth skin people (above) usually prefer to date other smooth skin people . If you don't have smooth skin, then you're just not on their list.



Some people (above) are realists. They just wouldn't feel comfortable dating head-in-the-clouds "artsy" types. Some artsy types have the same bias against realists.



Some people are in the fast lane and only want to date other fast lane types. Ditto the slow lane.



Some really nice girls are kind of pricey and high maintenance. Can you afford them?



Big-boned women are unfailingly kind, but their hearts belong to manly truck drivers.



Some girls are never without a boyfriend. Within 24 hours of breaking up, they're back in the harness again with a new guy. You can try to date them, but you better be prepared to digest a knuckle sandwich.



Some girls (above) only want to date Mr. Right. Maybe you don't fit that description. Maybe the girl has a fantasy about living with her lover in a Thomas Kinkade house with with heart-shaped throw pillows, and glass unicorns on wicker shelves. Maybe you're a grungeball.



Girls with very small mouths tend to date men with small mouths, why I don't know.







Maybe something about the girl bothers you. This girl's stare bothers me. I had a friend once who used to date a girl who stared at him. She didn't mean anything by it, but my friend found the stare withering, as if she had seen into his soul and found it lacking. He had to stop going out with her.



It's amazing that with so many obstacles that couples still seem to find each other. They say that half of all marriages don't work, but the flip side of that is that half of them do. That means there's a lot of happy people out there.

THEORY CORNER FOR MEN: PICKUP LINES

Hello men! I get a lot of letters asking for advice about dating. Normally I don't answer because, well, some things can't be taught. I recently changed my mind after receiving a gut-wrenching letter from a Theory Corner men who told me that if I couldn't help then there would be nothing for it but a leap into the Grand Canyon. It occurred to me that I might be able to help this man and through him some of the other luckless, blighted males who frequent this site.

I agreed to meet the letter writer outside my favorite Hollywood disco. Out there on the street we'd talk theory then inside we'd put it into practice. 


Uncle Eddie: "Alright, listen up! The basic format is FMAC: find, meet, attract, close. Got that?"

Student: (writing nervously, nearly dropping pencil) "Got it Uncle Eddie!"

Uncle Eddie: "The trick is to play hard to get by deliberately ignoring the woman you're interested in while winning over her friends, including the men. To do that you employ a device called the 'neg'."

Student: "Huh? What's a neg?"

Uncle Eddie: "The neg is a negative comment, a sort of accidental insult. The purpose of a neg is to lower a beautiful woman's confidence. Maybe tell her she has lipstick on her teeth or offer her a breath mint after she speaks. Now what's the number one characteristic of an alpha male?"

Student: (drops pencil; when he leans down to pick it up his glasses fall off) "Um...er, I don't know, Uncle Eddie!"

Uncle Eddie: "The number one characteristic of an alpha male is the smile. Smile from the moment you enter the club! It indicates confidence! OK, let's go in!"

Uncle Eddie (inside the club...the sound is deafening...Thoomp! Thoomp! Thoomp!) : (shouting) "You see how all the guys are dressed? You gotta be bold, over-the-top! Dress average and you'll fade into the background! Wear a conversation piece! Now go up that group over there and start talking! Don't think about it or you'll chicken out! Did you memorize the dialogue? "

Student: (squints to read his notes) "Yes, Uncle Eddie! I walk over to them and say, 'Hey, it looks like the party's over here.' Then I turn to the girl I want and say, 'If I wasn't gay, you'd be so mine!' (he blushes).

'Um...I don't get it, Uncle Eddie. How do I get the girl if she thinks I'm gay?"

Uncle Eddie: (rolls eyes) "Once she feels comfortable and unthreatened by you, you forget the gay thing."

Student: "But isn't that lying?"

Uncle Eddie: "Naw, that's flirting!"

Well, that's enough for one post. Now I don't want to hear anybody talking about diving into the Grand Canyon. I'm a hiker and I don't enjoy stepping over dead bodies.

Editor's Note: This info was derived from a book: "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists" by Neil Strauss.