SOCRATES: "Glaucon, we've been through this before. You know the type of personwho would best rule the city."
GLAUCON: "Sure Socrates, the philosopher king."
SOCRATES: And what qualifies a person to be a philosopher king? "
GLAUCON: "He has to be honorable and have studied math til age 30."
SOCRATES: "And why should he study math?"
SOCRATES'S WIFE: "Because math is completely abstract and nobody ever has emotional arguments over it. Since all human activity can be expressed mathematically, a philosopher can settle disputes with numbers without fear of upsetting anyone."WIFE'S FRIENDS: "Wow! That's cool!"
SOCRATES'S CONCUBINE: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You can talk all you want about being honorable and all that but in our culture the honorable man is expected to serve without pay. This poor-but-honorable stuff sucks! Look at me! I'm your concubine and I can't afford underwear without holes!"
SOCRATES: "Those are virtuous holes. You should be proud of them."
WOMEN: "Boy, that Socrates knows how to pinch a penny!"
GLAUCON: "Quiet everybody! You're not giving Socrates a chance to answer! He says the philosopher king can solve the poor-but-honorable problem by appearing austere during the day and enjoying his luxuries at night, when the curtains are closed."
Um... why does everybody have their hands up? I'm just scratching my unmentionables."
FRIEND: "A different philosophy for the night? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of! And that thing about solving disputes with math is just plain silly! Why does anybody bother to read about Socrates, anyway?
GLAUCON: "Glad you asked! Socrates is weird alright, but he's completely honest, even when he's advocating dishonesty. He has a way of getting to the root of a problem, and he expresses it in simple, human and very memorable terms. You only realize how rare that is when you read other philosophers.
Was he right about math solving all disputes? No, of course not, but when you think about it there is no satisfactory solution to a lot of disputes. Socrates reminds us that we should seek objective solutions while remembering how liable to error we are, and he does it in a uniquely poetic way that's likely to stick in our minds. And the closed-curtain solution really is the best way to handle the concubine's problem. It's not perfect but can you think of anything better?
I don't blame anyone for thinking Socrates is silly or boring on the first hearing, but the day will come when you'll be glad you read about him.
Many, many thanks to Barbie Miller for the terrific pictures. I stole them from her site:
