INTELLECTUAL PLAYHOUSE

EXT. SCANDINAVIAN TOWNHOUSE:

GUNNAR (VO): "Admit it, this talk we're having isn't going anywere is it? You'll come away from this visit disappointed, thinking I've let you down."

GERTRUDE: "You haven't let me down. Worse things will happen before the day's over.  They always do."

GERTRUDE: "I've come to the conclusion that life is essentially meaningless."

GUNNAR: "I'm going to get half a glass of water. Can I get you some?"

GERTRUDE: "Will the glass be half empty or half full?"

GUNNAR: "Er...half full."

GERTRUDE: "Then count me out. I don't believe in mindless optimism."

LATER, IN THE PARK: 

SVEN: "Gertrude, come away with me. You know me. I'm just a starving student and I have nothing to offer but squalor, but think of it...we'll be young together. There'll be wine and song and, well.....gusto."

GERTRUDE: "Gusto? What place does gusto have? At some point we'll be struck down by death and all our achievements will wither."

SVEN: "Then I guess this is good bye, Gertude. Good-bye."

GERTRUDE: "What's good about it? We're fallen creatures. Humans are fallen creatures."

LATER:

GUNNAR: "So you're back. I've been staring at a spot on the wall while you were gone. 

GERTRUDE: "Maybe I'll stare with you. Outside there's nothing but despair and hopelessness, just like in here."

GUNNAR: "Let's drift into the bedroom and have boring sex. There's at least a miniscule chance that it'll go well.

GERTRUDE: "Alright. I'll get the Abilify."

FIN

MY PERSONAL MYTHOLOGY

"I have often had the fancy that there is some one myth for every man, which, if we but knew it, would make us understand all he did and thought."  William Butler Yeats  I heartily concur. I think all of us have a personal mythology that guides our lives. I'm not talking about religion or a thought-out philosophy. I'm talking about a strong, almost unconscious intuition about life and how we fit in to it. Maybe it's a fragment of a story that explains things for us, and it's different for every person. I thought it might be fun to try to articulate some of these suppressed stories, and see what they look like when dressed and cleaned up. My own myth is that I'm Odysseus and the forces I meet in the world are represented by colossal monsters and beautiful sirens. My intuition tells me that the world is a beautiful but menacing place and that there are people who would kill me if they could, not for any rational reason, but because they're driven by forces they don't understand any more than I do. I also believe that the world is full of Siren-like temptations that, if I gave in to them, would fatally weaken me. A personal myth often seems silly when you put it into words, and mine is no exception. When given articulation it seems more passive than I'd like it to be, as if I'm doomed only to react to things and never to heroically prevail. On the other hand, maybe those negatives testify to the authenticity of the story. Maybe it comes from some common primal depth where survival is the ultimate value and where we all feel dumb panic and awe at the grand and magical nature of the world. Maybe, I'm not sure. At parties and restaurants over the years I've heard other personal myths that are different than mine. Many years ago a guy told me that he saw himself as a soldier ant who had to keep the other ants in line. I overheard a girl say that the love of friends is the ultimate value, no matter what sacrifices are called for. Last but not least...I don't personally know anyone who buys into this myth, but I know that it's out there because of biographies I've read...is the myth that kill or be killed is the rule. Mess up others before they mess you up. That sounds pretty harsh, but in the hands of someone who believes in reason and kindness it can produce someone with the necessary toughness to succeed. Interesting, huh?

PHILOSOPHY FOR CRIMINALS (STARRING, "THE PHILOSOPHY GIRLS")

BUTTERCUP: "Wow! Girls, look at this article! It says in the animal kingdom you find creatures that kill for sport, even when they're not hungry. They just want stay in practice, and they find any activity other than hunting to be boring. The author says that maybe some humans are like that."

PETUNIA: "That sounds a little more complicated than it needs to be, Buttercup. Murderers just want something, and they rub people out who get in their way."

GLADYS: "Hmmm. You're assuming that most murderers think about what they do, but I think it's more...impulsive...than that. They don't think about it...they just do it, and regret it later!"

VIOLET: "Well, I don't know if that really explains it, Gladys. I mean, most people are able to restrain themselves."

MILDRED: "Maybe murderers aren't like everybody else. Maybe they were just born without self control."

GLADIOLA: "Wait a minute. I think I get what Violet was driving at. Murderers must have self control...if they didn't they wouldn't be able to get through the day."

RODNEYETTA: "Yeah! The act of murder might have been impulsive, but there was a precondition. The murderer had to have laid the groundwork by doing a lot of thinking about the subject over months and years."

GERTRUDE: "Right! Over time the murderer psychs himself into thinking that he's an adventurer, or an instrument of higher justice. He gradually refines the image of himself as he who favors the decisive act, he who is superior to the average man who overthinks everything."

GLADYS: Wow! Heavy!!!!"

GRETTA: "It's heavy, alright! The murderer primes himself with so much bad philosophy, that the violent, impulsive act becomes inevitable."

LILY: "So what do we do? It's hard to flush out bad philosophy!"

DARLENE: "Maybe we should write a book that argues right to the points that convince borderline people to commit crime."

DAISY: "I don't know, Darlene...do you really think they'd read it? I mean...do murderers read?"

MAGNOLIA: "Of course they do! Human beings are thinking creatures! They'll read it if it really argues directly to the points they care about! We're The Philosophy Girls! We can do it!!!!"

ALL (ALMOST ALL): "Hooray!!! Well said, Magnolia! Now let's take a quick skinny dip to clear our minds!"

THE END

Many thanks to Auralynn When for the terrific pictures!

PHILOSOPHY CORNER

I have a friend who has very unusual opinions about a lot of things, and who you might be interested in getting to know through these pages. I have to emphasize that the ideas expressed in this imaginary dialogue are his and not mine. I disagree with some of what's expressed here, but I like the spirit behind it. It's all so thought-provoking that I thought it deserved to see the light of day. See if you agree.

Oh, and this is not a rewrite of the somber piece that I said I wrote last night. That's on a different subject. Okay, here's the dialogue:

Eddie: "So Paul, let me get this straight. You're a monarchist?"

Paul: "Yeah...well, a constitutional monarchist. It's Biblical."

Eddie: "Ah, so you have a religious reason."

Paul: "Not entirely. Monarchy also makes sense because that's the only way to grow an aristocracy. We need aristocracy so that society can be guided by philosopher kings. We need them so we can have culture again."

Eddie: "But there have been so many evil aristocrats and crazy kings."

Paul: "Fewer than you might think. A lot of what we know about aristocrats was written by ideologues who hated them."

Eddie "What about the rights of man? Are you saying that a Pharaoh is entitled to own me?"

Paul: "Good Grief, no! Just the opposite! The monarch is one of the guarantees that you won't be owned and that your rights will be respected. The king has to answer to God for the stewardship of his people. The other guarantee is the Christian religion and the Judao-Christian tradition. Religion is a more trustworthy defender of your rights than politics."

Eddie: "But democracy allows us to get rid of people in power who abuse their office. It assures a degree of stability because at least 51% of the people get to be happy with the way things are."

Paul: "I think you're naive. The people in power try to set things up so they can't be voted out."

Eddie: "Aaaargh! There's not enough time to thrash this out, so let's move on. What kind of literature do you like?"

Paul: "Oh, Mallory's book on King Arthur, the one that the movie "Excalibur" was based on...some of Shakespeare. Those and 'Old Yeller.' "

Eddie: " 'Old Yeller!!!????' You mean the DOG story that Disney based a film on?"

Paul: "Yeah, that's it. It's a story about duty and the need to accept it with unshakable determination. It's also indirectly about honor."

Eddie: "Honor? Then you must like movies like the old black and white version of "The Four Feathers."

Paul: "Definitely, and the book is even better. The book makes a distinction between different kinds of honor, and reserves special praise for the man who realizes the downside of honor but pursues it anyway. The film's not half bad, though. There's a wonderful scene in it where the girl explains the necessity of honor, but it's not in the book."

Eddie: "Well, I guess you like "The Three Musketeers." That's all about honor."

Paul: "Mmmm...sort of, but it also ridicules it. At the end of the story the musketeers have nothing except their honor. D'Artagnon doesn't get the girl and they're all poor. Their only satisfaction is that they lived a life of honor and are respected by other men."

Eddie: "How about "Don Quixote?" I had to put it down about a third of the way through because the plot was so simplistic, and I hated the anti-heroic message."

Paul: "You should have persevered. The first half is anti heroic, anti-chivalry, but the second half says Don Quixote was right."

Eddie: "Wait a minute! That's not what I heard!...but...Aaaargh! We've gotta close this! See you later folks!"

Paul: "Bye, bye!"

A DISCUSSION OF PLATO'S "REPUBLIC"

SOCRATES: "Glaucon, we've been through this before. You know the type of person
who would best rule the city."

GLAUCON: "Sure Socrates, the philosopher king."

SOCRATES: And what qualifies a person to be a philosopher king? "

GLAUCON: "He has to be honorable and have studied math til age 30."

SOCRATES: "And why should he study math?"



SOCRATES'S WIFE: "Because math is completely abstract and nobody ever has emotional arguments over it. Since all human activity can be expressed mathematically, a philosopher can settle disputes with numbers without fear of upsetting anyone."

WIFE'S FRIENDS: "Wow! That's cool!"

SOCRATES'S CONCUBINE: "Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You can talk all you want about being honorable and all that but in our culture the honorable man is expected to serve without pay. This poor-but-honorable stuff sucks! Look at me! I'm your concubine and I can't afford underwear without holes!"

SOCRATES: "Those are virtuous holes. You should be proud of them."

WOMEN: "Boy, that Socrates knows how to pinch a penny!"



GLAUCON: "Quiet everybody! You're not giving Socrates a chance to answer! He says the philosopher king can solve the poor-but-honorable problem by appearing austere during the day and enjoying his luxuries at night, when the curtains are closed."

Um... why does everybody have their hands up? I'm just scratching my unmentionables."

FRIEND: "A different philosophy for the night? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of! And that thing about solving disputes with math is just plain silly! Why does anybody bother to read about Socrates, anyway?


GLAUCON: "Glad you asked! Socrates is weird alright, but he's completely honest, even when he's advocating dishonesty. He has a way of getting to the root of a problem, and he expresses it in simple, human and very memorable terms. You only realize how rare that is when you read other philosophers.

Was he right about math solving all disputes? No, of course not, but when you think about it there is no satisfactory solution to a lot of disputes. Socrates reminds us that we should seek objective solutions while remembering how liable to error we are, and he does it in a uniquely poetic way that's likely to stick in our minds. And the closed-curtain solution really is the best way to handle the concubine's problem. It's not perfect but can you think of anything better?

I don't blame anyone for thinking Socrates is silly or boring on the first hearing, but the day will come when you'll be glad you read about him.

Many, many thanks to Barbie Miller for the terrific pictures. I stole them from her site:

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