"THE GOLDBERGS" (I MEAN, "THE FITZGERALDBERGS")

ON MULLY FITZGERALDBERGS' BROOKLYN APARTMENT:

MULLY"S DAUGHTER: "Mother! It's the new tenant! Hurry up! You have to hear this!!"

MR. PIGEONTONSILS (RECITING A POEM): "In the fragrance from a honeysuckle clinking by a vine in the raspy sun / Have I known you. / In the song what it wharples a lark on top from a meadow in June..."

MR. PIGEONTONSILS: "By larks it is wings, by butterflies also; / By hornets is stings, In the thorn is a snail, so? / The Deity is in his heaven!!"

THE LISTENERS APPLAUD.

MULLY: "Well give a look! The Age from Romance! Dat's VERY beautiful! I'm Mrs. Fitzgeraldberg and dis is my family being here. You just move in??"

MR. PIGEONTONSILS: "Ah, Mrs. Fitzgeraldberg! What awakened you outside the window, the sweet song of the thrush? Or maybe from a woodland brook a gargle, what it passed by you the window? But your question I must answer.

Yes, I am being your new neighbor, Parcy Pigeontonsils, professional gigolo from your service."

MULLY: "Gigolo!? What's dis 'gigolo?' What's dat?"

MR. PIGEONTONSILS: "What is gigolo? Gigolo is useful professhon! I read poetry to women and they give me their luff savings. Sometimes maybe, a little lambie love with honey cuddle they get."

MULLY: "Yi yi yi yi yi! Lambie love with honey cuddle yet!!? And for this women give you money!??"

NEIGHBOR: "Mully, de whole town's tukking. You know, prying heyes witt wagging tongs!  Dey say wot you are gung to the dogs with dis gigolo guy, Mr. Pigeontonsils!"

MULLY: "But I only met him two menutes ago ut here."

NEIGHBOR: "I know, but news travels fast. All over the neighborhood it spilled already all the dirt. I say dis witt all doo rispact, of cuss."

HUSBAND: "Thank you. I think my wife is with needing a rest inside, now. Cum inside, Mully!"

MULLY: "Okay. I just say good-bye to Mr. Pigeontonsils."

MR. PIGEONTONSILS: "Ha ha...you can call me 'Pussy Bunny.' Ha! I'll call you... 'Peaches'...ha ha! Just remember to me giving your life savings! Well, I must be running along. Now I should ketch a haircot."

MULLY (VO): "Ha! You funny boy!"

MR. PIGEONTONSILS (VO): "Peaches, come by me for a ivining! Dun't be beshful. I have a coffee maker in de back. It'll cust you free."

MULLY (VO): "Oh, Mr. Pigeontonsils. How could you say such things? Why you hardly know me!"

MR. PIGEONTONSILS (VO): "Know you, my gorgeous gazelle? All my life I have known your sweet with lovely, your shy with beautiful. your luff savings, your...ouch...Oh!...oh!...I feel all of a sudden faint with dizzy. It swims by me the room...!"

MULLY (VO): "Goodness! Are you alright!!?? I come right over!"

HUSBAND: "Grandfudder,what are you dung?"

GRANDFATHER: "Ha! It's always the husband the last to find out! Gangster friends I am culling! They'll toss her down a flight from cellar steps.  This way for the same price you might hit a jackpot. Could be maybe two broken legs with a neck dislocated."

HUSBAND: "With breaking legs we don't settle things."

MULLY: "He's sick! I'm just bringing him some chicken soup!"

HUSBAND: "I know, Mully! I am from trusting you!"

INT. PIGEONTONSIL'S APARTMENT:

MULLY: "Yi yi yi! You rilly are sick, Mr. Pigeontonsils! Dis chicken soup will help, you'll see! But tell me someting...why you take ladies' money? How you get like dis? Dat's no way!"

MR. PIGEONTONSILS: "(Groans) Well, when I am desolate I am nervous; and when I am nervous I cannot work, and when I cannot work I lay in bed; and when I lay in bed the maid will not clean the house. So you see....."

MR. PIGEONTONSILS: "Sigh! You're nice to me, even though I try to take your luff savings. Maybe I am all wrong in my diagnosis from this matter. I'm going to chuck it all and get by a milk route a job. Or maybe I'll try the post office instead...better hours! No more ladies' luff savings! No more gorgeous gazelle!"

LATER, BACK AT MULLY'S APARTMENT:

HUSBAND: "You did a good deed, Mully, and since my wife likes poems,  I have memorized one for you. Do you wunt to hear it?"

MULLY: "Why...yes."

HUSBAND (RECITING): " 'Oh, the Owl with the Pussycat went to sea / In a beautiful boat, a pea-green one./ They took along honey with plenty of money,/ With...er, how does that end, now? Oh yes...with a Sinatra album, a mean one.' Well, I'm still working on it. What do you think?"

MULLY: "I think it's da must beautiful poem I ever heard!"

THE END


BTW: About the writing of this post: you've probably guessed that there's lot of dialogue swipes from Milt Gross here! I wrote the story then searched the Gross oeuvre for sentences and words that would help to fill it out. I love Grossian sentences like, "Maybe sometimes a little lambie love and huneycuddles they get." I'm going to use the word "get" more often in my own writing. It's a powerful little word that packs a big punch, and it's full of funny subtext.

I risked an anti-climax to end the story with a sentimental affirmation of the husband's love for his wife. I lose points for doing that because it makes the story less hip and edgy, but it gains points because it makes us like the characters. Did I do the right thing? Who knows?

Story writing isn't an exact science and the ever present possibility of failure is what makes writing fun.

Also BTW: The story is illustrated with frame grabs from the nifty "Goldbergs" TV series, which can be had on DVD now. The gigolo is Ernie Kovacs.