THE CHRISTMAS CAROL (ABRIDGED)

EXT. SCROOGE'S OFFICE: ORPHANS SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS ON THE CORNER.

SCROOGE: "Beat it! SCRAM! Amscray!"

THE ORPHAN GIRL RUNS BACK, BITES SCROOGE'S HAND.

INT. SCROOGE'S OFFICE:

CHARITY COLLECTOR: "Mr. Scrooge, how are you?"

SCROOGE: "I'll be better after I soak my hand. What do you want?"

CHARITY COLLECTOR: "We're here to collect for the poor. It's that time of year  when want is sorely felt. We figure a gift of...oooh...10 pounds should do it."

SCROOGE: Ten pounds!? Are you nuts!!? Are there no workhouses? No treadmills? Get out! GET OUT!" 

NO SOONER DO THE TWO COLLECTORS EXIT,  THAN TWO MORE STEP INSIDE....

SCROOGE: "NO!!!!!!!"

....AND THEN WALK RIGHT STRAIGHT OUT AGAIN.

SCROOGE'S NEPHEW BURSTS IN:

NEPHEW: "Uncle Scrooge! I came to wish you a Merry Christmas!!!"

SLAP! SLAP!

NEPHEW: "How the heck are ya, Uncle? How the heck are ya'?"

NEPHEW: "Um...er...I don't suppose you could lend me a couple of pounds? I want to get a present for my...."

SCROOGE: "Go away. Just go away!"

THE NEPHEW EXITS.

SCROOGE (TO HIS CAT): "How are you, Bootsie? You don't want anything, do you?"

SCROOGE'S CAT BEGS WORDLESSLY FOR MORE FISH HEADS.

SCROOGE: "Bowser?"

HIS DOG BEGS FOR A BIGGER BONE.

THE GOLDFISH BEGS FOR MORE TURTLE FOOD.

SCROOGE: "Humbug! I can't get any work done here!"

SCROOGE: "Cratchet, you should count yourself lucky. You live in a miserable hovel, you eat rats just to get a little protein, but at least your little crippled boy, Tiny Tim, has a level head. He's not interested in baubles and toys like the rest of these ninnies."

  

ON TINY TIM, LOOKING IN A TOY STORE WINDOW:

HE IS DEFINITELY INTERESTED IN BAUBLES AND TOYS!

CRATCHET: "UM, Mr. Scrooge....er, could you see your way to lending me a pound or two so the family can buy presents for...."

SCROOGE: "Nnnno!"

ON THE STREET: SCROOGE WALKS HOME:

CROWD OF PANHANDLERS: "Spare change?" "Brother, can you spare a pence?" "C'mon...just a ha'penny!" "Spread a little lovin.' "

SCROOGE: "No! No! Nada! Zip! Nein!"

CROWD OF PANHANDLERS (CONT): " 'Spare a farthing?" Two pence is all I ask!" Spare change?" "Don't be a tightwad!" "Let's have it, ya old miser!

SCROOGE: "NO! Nope! Not a chance! Naah! Uh-uh! No!"

BLIND BEGGER: "Buddy, can you spare a......"

SCROOGE: "NO-O-O-O!!!!!!!!!!"

SCROOGE APPROACHES HIS HOME....

....TAKES OUT HIS KEYS....

MARLEY (GHOST-LIKE) (VO): "S c r o o o o o o o g e!"

ON THE DOOR KNOCKER:

MARLEY'S FACE APPEARS:

MARLEY (WAILS LIKE A GHOST): "S C R O O O O O G E!!!!!"

MARLEY (VOICE CHANGE): "Scrooge, how's about slipping me a pound or two? It's Christmas and I just wanna buy a few presents for the other ghosts. Nothing fancy, just..........."


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Aaaaargh! I goofed up the whole story! It could have been a lot funnier.  I just didn't have time to do it right. There's so much to do in the week before Christmas! *Sigh!*

MORE RECENT ASTRONOMY PHOTOS

Here's (above) a view of the Great Lakes at night, with a sultry, languid warm front penetrating up into Ontario.



Here's Hurricane Sandy making it's way up the Atlantic Coast and making landfall in New Jersey and New York. It's an eerie film to watch.

At first you can follow the movement of the fronts by following the ordered movements of the clouds. After a bit you realize that some of the important fronts are invisible. Large fields of clouds just suddenly pop into existence, something which looks even weirder with time lapse photography. It's as if Zeus or Loki were stirring up a froth, adding ingredients as they work.

While we're on the subject of hurricanes, here's some that might be going on right now on Saturn. This (above) is a view of the Great Vortex that lies at the center of Saturn's North Pole. This whirlpool allows us to peek underneath the hazy upper clouds and see what goes on beneath and, mystery of mysteries, what's under there is lots of Earth-type pinwheel hurricanes. Some of them are the same size as the largest hurricanes that you find here.

I'll add that this vortex is in the center of large, concentric, hexagonal clouds (not seen above) which have yet to be explained.

Odd geometries aren't unique to Saturn. Here's (above) something called "The Red Square Nebula." The square shape has nothing to do with reflections on a lens...the nebula really is shaped that way. But why?

Here's a rarity: something called a polar ring galaxy. It's dominated by a large horizontal disk that has apparently absorbed a smaller vertical galaxy that we see in the middle.

Here's (above) a moon in a close orbit of Saturn, but I can't remember which moon.

Saturn's moons continue to amaze. This (above) is Methone, which appears to be smooth and egg-shaped. How is that possible? Even the Earth has craters. One scientist speculates that the moon is completely covered with tiny pebbles that cover up the surface features.

A planet has been discovered in orbit around binary star Alpha Centauri B, the closest star to Earth.  The planet has a mass similar to Earth's, but is much too close to it's sun to sustain life as we know it.

Most of the planets we've discovered are very close to their suns. I used to think these types of worlds appeared in large numbers only because they were easiest kind to detect, but recent TV documentaries claim that no, that's the way those solar systems really are. Most planets hug their suns. Our own system isn't typical at all.

Here's the Space Shuttle "Endeavor" being flown low over the streets of L.A. It's on it's way to it's final resting place in a hanger at The California Science Museum.

I saw this! Mike and I were pulling into the parking lot at Disney's when half the studio spilled outside in the direction of our car. For a moment we felt like real celebrities but, alas, they weren't there for us. A few minutes later the Shuttle appeared close overhead, accompanied by jets that looked like something out of Star Wars.

MY FAVORITE NEW CHRISTMAS VIDEO

I usually post every other day, but during the two weeks leading to Christmas I might post a bit more frequently. That's because with all the bad news in the papers I figure a lot of people are bummed out, and in need of a little extra Christmas cheer.

My own resolution to myself is to put my problems on hold for a couple of weeks. There's plenty of time to worry and fret after the holiday.

In that spirit, here's a terrific Christmas video. It wasn't made specifically for Christmas, but it arrives at exactly the right time and feels Christmasy to me. Be sure to click off the ads and enlarge it to full screen.

POOR MAN'S CHRISTMAS TREE

Some Christmas trees are...there's no other word for it...*g l o r i o u s*. Everybody should have a tree like that. It's better to have no presents and a nice tree than to have lots of presents and a crummy tree. But....well, this is has been a hard year for some. Maybe a glorious tree isn't in the cards for every artist this year.

I've never been in that situation, but every year I ask myself what I'd do if I was. The prospect doesn't scare me too much because I've always thought artists are immune to that kind of anxiety. I mean, if we had to we could probably tinker together a tree out of anything around the house. After all, aesthetic problem solving is what we do for a living.

I like what this artist (above) did. I'd add Christmas lights, though.

How about a tree which is actually a volumetric eight foot high Christmas girl (above) with lots of arms that are smallest near the top and largest near the bottom? You'd make her out of newspapers and keep her upright by attaching her to a nail in the ceiling.

Of course, anything that's conical could serve as a tree. I used to wonder if a funny tree could be made by making a teepee out of mops and brooms tied together at the top, bristle sides up. Once you have the architecture then you put Christmas lights around it and hang forks and spoons for ornaments.

Come to think of it, you could make a giant teepee frame using string spreading out from an overhead light fixture.

 If you were really radical you could dispense with the cone and hang Christmas balls from the ceiling.

Here (above) paper shredder gonk hides whatever funky structure's underneath.

Hmmmm...maybe this (above), I'm not sure.

Of course Christmas is all about friends and family. If you're a Christian it's all about the birth of Christ. The tree is just a symbol, but it's still important. It's a way to focus on the profound meaning of the year's greatest holiday.

CHRISTMAS GIFTS: ETHNIC CLOTHING

If you're lucky enough to live near shops that sell ethnic clothing (above) you might consider giving your significant other a folk costume gift. You don't have to buy the whole ensemble, just a nice element, something that looks good all by itself. 

Me, I think the Poles beat everybody in Europe, or at least they beat other women's designs. You'd never know it to look at the Polish girls in the picture above. They seem downright miserable. I wonder why? 

Here's (above) some Hungarian designs with a Gypsy influence. I wonder if traditional skirts were that high? Maybe they were.

This beautiful design looks like a synthesis of Polish, Russian and Scandinavian influences, so I'll guess that it comes from a place where all those elements merge, mmmm....maybe Latvia or Estonia. 

Boy, it's elaborate! Costumes like this were more common before The Reformation. After that designs were more austere.

Geez, one of the sexiest things a girl can wear is a simple white blouse (above).

Above, more white blouses set off with dark vests and embroidery. The country of origin? Maybe...mmmmmm...Danish???

So far as I can tell the best costume designs for men (above) come from German speaking countries. The problem is that they favor leather jackets and pants and those can be pricey and difficult to alter.

John gave me a whole outfit like this once. If I can lose some X#@%*& weight I'll wear it.

Fortunately Germans also make great woolen jackets and vests. The green makes a nice contrast with the red, white and black.

Now where do these (above) come from? East Europe? Armenia?

Above...Finnish?

Here's (above) a dress from Ireland. Wow, a nice blend of Celtic and Viking. I like the suggestion of lightning on the bodice. I don't know why, but the design reminds me that the true art of that country is storytelling.

There are lots of outlets on the internet (sample above) for this type of clothing. According to the ad embroidery is used as a protection against evil spirits.

PHOtOGRAPHY MODEL

It seems like almost everybody I know has gotten a new camera lately. A number of them will be at Steve's this weekend, showing off their new equipment and taking pictures of...well, each other, I guess. 

No, come to think of it, there will be one non-photographer there; Steve's housemate, Jo Jo. I guess everybody'll have to make do with taking pictures of him. That's kind of funny, because if you know Jo Jo you know that he never wants to have his picture taken. Never! 

Maybe his phobia is my fault. I bugged him and everybody else I knew when I was taking pictures with my old snapshot camera. What else could I do? I like taking pictures of people:

EDDIE: "Marge, when you scratch again, can you do it with your left hand?  And would you mind sprinkling a few paperclips on the desk? And there's a distracting fuzzball on your sleeve. Would you...."

So what'll Jo Jo do when a whole house full of photographers descends on him on Sunday? He'll probably try to hide, but I don't think that's gonna work.

Photographers are an intrepid lot.

They'll look til they find him.

Sneaking out to the movies won't help.

They'll find the theater.

They'll spare no expense. 

NO expense! 

They'll get him. They always do. 

And when they do..............

PHOTOGRAPHERS: "Jo Jo, you'd be more sympathetic if you ran with something in your arms...maybe a cat."

PHOTOGRAPHERS: "And comb your hair first, only don't make it too neat. It's gotta be believable. And can you straighten the pen in your pocket?"