THE AMAZING PARALLEL UNIVERSE SALAD

I told some of this sad story before, but I never talked about what happened after and I may never (I can't remember) have divulged the amazing recipe that lies at the heart of the story. Let me remedy that now.



For those who haven't heard the story before, about this time last year my family and I were invited to dinner by a young Cal Tech Physicist who was researching the parallel universe theory. It turns out that it may be possible to do faster computer calculations in that universe than in our own. You don't have to travel anywhere in a spaceship to do it, the other universe is right beside us. Every atom in our bodies shares matter and energy with that universe. I don't understand it, so don't rely on me for an explanation.



Anyway, the guy was a terrific cook! The main course was terrific but the real highlight was the salad. It was to die for! It was absolutely the very best salad I ever had in my life! Imagine that! A physics guy who could cook!



Unfortunately I was so intimidated at being with someone who knows so much about physics that I could hardly put two words together and I ended up talking nervously about, of all things...Asperger Disorder. I couldn't help it! I was feeling awkward and it was on my mind from something I'd read the previous day. A big mistake!

It turns out that almost all physics students were considered nerds when they were young and had to put up with a lot of grief because of that. My host was anything but a nerd, but he rankled at every mention of it. I should have changed the subject but I was so nervous that I couldn't. I went on and on about Asbergers til my host was screaming inside his skin. Except for the wonderful salad it was a social disaster!

OK, I think I mentioned all that in my previous post. Now here's what happened months later...

My wife explained the problem to her old school friend who was the physicist's mother. They had a good laugh over it and the mother called her son and arranged for another dinner to soothe things over. I was so relieved that I'd finally be able to put it all right again...but...but I was still nervous. I can't help it. For me a physicist is like a rock star. It was like eating dinner with Mick Jagger. This man knows what makes the universe work. If that's not superstardom, then what is? Anyway, I was nervous all over again, and all day long I kept repeating to myself, "Don't mention Aspergers! Don't mention Aspergers!" I think you can imagine what happened.

It was so much on my mind that the first thing I blurted out at the restaurant was "Aspergers." You could see the guy wince. He must have thought I was crazy! It was a terrible night. Now I know how John Cleese felt in "Fawlty Towers" when he couldn't stop talking to his German guests about the war.

Anyway, at the cost of unbearable social awkwardness and ill manners directed at my betters, I managed to extract the recipe for this amazing salad. Here it is:

Preperation: Remove extra virgin olive oil from the refridgerator (it should also be refridgerated) 25 minutes before making the salad and let it sit on the counter.

Have all the ingrediants on hand so you can eat as soon as possible after the dressing is made.

1) Rub garlic into inside of salad bowl then toss the bits away.

2) Add salad leaves (baby greens sold in a bag) and toss with a little olive oil till the leaves are greasy.

3) Into blender:

Extra virgin olive oil

Walnuts

1/2 Blood orange

Red wine vinegar

Veggie salt

Pepper

Oregeno

Sugar

4) Pour blended dressing over leaves.

5) drizzle a little balsamic vinegar on while tossing.

6) Add cut beets from a can and fetta cheese.

Eat immediately before the dressing seperates.

MY LAST WORD ON "MILDRED PIERCE"

That's (above) Mildred's smarmy boyfriend kissing her neck again. Boy, he can't keep his hands off her!

Actually this isn't about "Mildred Pierce," it's about something written in the dialogue style of that film. The site I swiped it from didn't mention the source but I'll bet it was written by James Cain who wrote the Mildred Pierce novel, or Ranald MacDougal who wrote the screenplay. Maybe this scene was in the film and I just forgot it.

The person who put it up did two versions of the same dialogue, as a teaching tool. I love bad and better comparisons! See what you think:



THE VIEW: Bad

Mary: Look, Cliff, at that beautiful sky and the fluffy white clouds. Aren't they lovely?

Cliff: Why yes, Mary, they are truly lovely. Almost as lovely as you, my darling, in that magnificent emerald green dress that brings out the color of your eyes.

M: Oh, Cliff.

C: I knew the moment I met you that I would want to bring you here one day, to this special place. It's always meant a great deal to me, Mary.

M: Oh, Cliff.




THE VIEW: Better

M: Look at that sky! Those clouds! This place is terrific. I'm so glad you brought me here.

C: Not half as glad as I am, lady. (With a leer, perhaps)

M: There you go again. I can't trust you for a minute, can I?

C: Me? You can't trust me? I'm wounded. Injured. Deeply hurt.

M: I'll bet! Seriously, though, how did you ever happen to find this place?

C: Well, let's see. I was first brought here by a spirit guide. No? How about a gypsy fortune teller? A very small Cub Scout?

M: Can't you be serious for half a minute?

C: Maybe. (Dubiously)

M: Give it a try, why don't you?

C: All right. Half a minute's worth of serious. The truth is, I've been coming here since I was a kid. My granddad showed me the way, one of the last hikes he took me on before he died. It's always been kind of a special place. (Pause) Actually, you're the first person I've ever brought here.

M: Oh, Cliff! That makes me feel really special, too.

C: You are, kiddo. Don't you know that?


Wow! Well, the second is obviously the better version! It's a cliched style, I admit...but it works! The question is, why does it work?

Maybe cliches aren't as fatal as we've been taught. The books tell us to avoid them but I've seen them work time and time again when they're combined with inventive ideas and good word music. In my opinion the how-to-write authors did everyone a disservice when they emphasized total stylistic originality. You wonder if a lot of otherwise good authors stopped writing because of advice like this. The truth is that you can be very creative and musical within an existing style.

WANTED: CLASS CLOWNS!

Don't you love class clown art? It's the stuff that used to crack everybody up in high school and earn the artist and the people who laughed at him a session in detention. It's so delightfully ignorant, so spectacularly stupid, that nobody can resist laughing when they see it. I'm happy to say that the noble example above (click to enlarge) is by a Theory Corner reader, Daniel Aguilar. Thanks, Daniel! You did the site proud!

What class clowns know that more polished artists tend to forget is that ignorance is funny. Too many professional artists are cursed with good taste. They just can't bring themselves to stoop to the level of what really makes people laugh. Thank Goodness Don Martin (above) didn't have that problem.

Of course you could argue that if they were willing to stoop they couldn't do it anyway. Class clowns are a special breed. Most people couldn't do it if they tried.

Animation studios are always trying to do funny shows without hiring funny or creative people. I think that practice started in the 60s when New-Agers spread the belief that everybody is creative and only needs to express it. After 40 years of decline in the arts, isn't it time that we laid that theory to rest?

Beavis & butthead, South Park, and the Simpsons certainly proved that there's an audience for ignorant drawing, but my own taste runs to the better-drawn examples of the genre like the kind of things Bob Clampett, Tex Avery, Bob Nolan and John Kricfaluci did (See John's "Naked Beach Frenzy"). They worked hard to keep the class clown sensibility in 3-dimensional, constructed characters.

Studios should hire class clowns, especially the ones who can draw. I don't think Pixar will ever do this because they seem determined to be known as "The Refined Studio," but maybe the smaller studios will take a chance.

COLOR BY SCOTT WILLS

It isn't often that you get to see new (new for the internet, that is) paintings by Scott Wills, one of the ace background painters on Ren & Stimpy and Samurai Jack . I swiped these from Bill Wray's blog, "Mad About Cartoons." Bill put up some beautiful paintings of his own too. Check them out at:

http://madaboutcartoons.blogspot.com/

MORE ABOUT THE "MILDRED PIERCE" TRAILER

Here's (above) a trailer for "Mildred Pierce", a terrific melodrama about a waitress (Joan Crawford)who works her fingers to the bone to give her daughter a highbrow education, then is rejected by the daughter as low class. I posted this trailer before but didn't bother to comment on how intelligently it was constructed. The clip deserves better so here's a fuller treatment. Let's see....

We open with a fanfare which accompanies this lettering:

Warner Bros. invites you to witness the first scene of a motion picture the world will TALK ABOUT...

BAM! BAM! (gunshots)

A gutshot man collapses and utters the word..."Mildred!"

Announcer: "Mildred! A name gasped in the night! The one last word of a dying man...but one word that tells a thousand stories of a woman who left her mark on every man she met!" [I love over-the-top narration like this!]

Boyfriend #1: "Mildred has more to offer a man with a glance than most women give in a lifetime!"

Boyfriend #2: " Mildred knew what she wanted and wasn't too particular how she got it!"

Boyfriend #3: "Mildred? Loving her was like shaking hands with the devil!"

Lettering: It's JOAN CRAWFORD...In her most Daringly Different portrayal (her robe slips revealing her bikini)..."MILDRED PIERCE!" [The music seemed to want the trailer to end here but it continues]

Lettering (CONT): The INTIMATE AFFAIRS of a WOMAN...who REFUSED to LIVE BY THE RULES...she tried to KISS OFF A CRIME!

Mildred: "You make me feel...I don't know...warm!

Boyfriend #1: "And wanted. AND WANTED!!!" [He whips her around behind him so we can't see her and plants a big, rubber plunger kiss on her!]

Lettering; She Bought a LOVE...she could NEVER OWN!

Mildred walks in and finds her daughter passionately making out with her (Mildred's) boyfriend, now her husband.

Mildred: (Gasp!) "How long has this been going on?"

Daughter: "Monty is going to divorce you and marry me, and there's nothing you can do about it! You think that because you made a little money and got a fancy hairdo that you can make yourself a lady! Well you can't! You'll never be anything but a common..." [The dialogue cuts off.]

Lettering sweeps across the screen: The OUTSPOKEN STORY of an INDISCREET WOMAN! Joan Crawford...Zachary Scott...in "MILDRED PIERCE!"


Not everybody likes the choppy dialogue, strange syntax and the odd capitalization you find in trailers. I love it myself. I love how the momentum in a trailer is carried at different times by music, narration, dialogue and lettering. It's so smart and so intuitive. I love wipes and the kind of lettering that starts fuzzy and sharpens to crystal clarity. Why did we ever stop making trailers like this?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PERFORMANCE?

That's a terrible headline when you consider that either one of these actors (above) could run rings around me. Even so, I have it in me to criticize my betters, so here goes.....

The first thing that strikes me is that these are both nice, shy people. That's a mistake isn't it? Isn't there more dramatic tension if they're somewhat different? The play is "Biloxi Blues" by Neil Simon and there are plenty of personality conflicts in the rest of the story. Maybe Simon actually wanted these guys to be the same. Maybe, but...even so...there still has to be conflict, don't you think?

What if the guy had a chip on his shoulder like Garfield and the girl was alternately attracted and repulsed by him? Or what if the girl was really plain and had even lower self-esteem than the guy? I'm thinking of the girl in "Marty." What if he was comedic like Woody Allen and she was more serious? What if she knew her girlfriends were watching?

Dramatic acting is really scary. What if you don't like the script? You can't customize it. What if you're good at farce and the script requires method? What if the girl hates you in real life?

I have my usual criticisms about elocution and stage movement. Add to that the requirement for emotional music and word music. Aaaargh! What do you think?

AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON

Brother Paul (VOICE OVER): "Nobody...I say NOBODY'S got it made in life! You can lose what you've got, (SNAP!) just like that!"

Brother Paul (CONT): "Let me tell you a sad, sad story!"

Brother Paul (CONT): "Once there was a happy couple. They were blessed with every good thing the world could offer. At home, snug in their beds, lay their eight beautiful children and a fluffy dog...the fruits of a life well lived.

Brother Paul (CONT): "If you'd seen them you'd have said, ' What an ideal couple! Surely nothing could drive a wedge between them'....but you'd have been wrong!"

TAP! TAP! TAP!

Brother Paul (CONT) : "You'd have been wrong, because no one can resist...THE WICKED CITY WOMAN!"

Brother Paul (CONT): "She's Satan incarnate! Many a ship has crashed on the rocks of life when this temptation came along!"

Brother Paul (CONT): "The previously loyal husband, the woefully weak vessel, was no match for this Jezebel! It only took a minute for his life to change forever!"

Loyal Wife: " 'W...What are you doing!?,' said the distraught wife."

Loyal Wife (CONT) : "GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!"

The Weak Vessel: "Um...I'll be back in a few minutes!!"

The Loyal Wife: "No, don't do it! Think of our eight beautiful dogs and one fluffy child!"

Loyal Wife: "(Sob!) Come back! Come back!!!"

The Weak Vessel: "Rut! Rut! Rut! Rut! Rut! Rut!"

Brother Paul: "Did you see that!? Did you see that!!?? That couple's going straight to Hell, the victim of wrong preaching! I'll bet the stupid husband went to that dopey church across the street!"

Pastor Burt: "They're goin' straight to Hell alright, but it's your preachin' that did it! Look to yourself, why don't you!?"

Brother Paul: "(Mumbling) .....stupid Presbyterian.


Pastor Burt: "(Under his breath) ...dim bulb Baptist."

BAM!!!!

The Weak Vessel: (Gurgle! Goik! Glubble....)

The Weak Vessel: (Goorple! Glurk!)

Sister Ann: "Not bad, Sister Rachael!"

Sister Rachael: "Mmmm...coulda' been better, Sister Ann. I forgot to correct for the wind. "

Father O'Malley: "Let's get a bite to eat, Sisters. Theological disputes always make me hungry!"