MY CHRISTMAS SO FAR

I had a great Christmas; I hope you did too! That's me above, looking unexpectedly like a figure on a 50s jazz album.

Our tree this year was about 6', in other words, way too short. Proper trees should be awe-inspiring because that's the quality that Christmas itself possesses. Never, ever allow a short person to buy your tree. All trees look tall to someone like that, and that disqualifies them as objective buyers.

A proper tree scrapes the ceiling. A proper tree is so big that that it leaves no room for people. A proper tree is hard to get through the door and provokes endless arguments among family members. A proper tree scratches furniture, knocks things off shelves, and gets sap all over fingers. Proper trees are expensive, and most people will experience years when they can't afford them, but families who've had a good year tempt the wrath of the gods when they try to chintz. Better to skimp on presents than skimp on the tree.

And presents...this is the year that I'll be remembered as a bum because I got my wife a digital video recorder. Her girlfriends call and ask what she she got and there's always a long pause when she tells them, followed by "He got you.....WHAT?" Somehow it got around that only beasts buy their wives electronics.

It happened because I had to do all my shopping at the last minute and I found myself in a giant electronics warehouse with a loudspeaker saying, "The store will close in 20 minutes. Please bring your purchases to the front!" I frantically rushed around looking for something she might at least tolerate. They started to dim the lights and salesmen were nudging people out. I grabbed the first thing I saw that looked like it might work out...and the upshot is that I'm a bum. Friends of my wife won't even look in my direction.

I told this to my neighbor and he said, "Why didn't you get her a gift certificate for some beauty treatments in a spa? You know, one of those places where they put mud and cucumbers on you?" I have to admit that I thought of that but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm a guy and like most guys I'd rather set myself on fire than go into a place like that. Oh well, I'll make it up to her this weekend... but the blemish will remain for years, I can tell.

Anyway, everything else about the holiday was great! What a really profound time Christmas is! I'll write about it later!

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By the way.... have you ever noticed how Christmas trees mirror the personality of the person who trimmed them?

I imagine that a guy who looked like this (above) would have a tree...

...that looks like this (above). It's a tidy tree with evenly spaced, tasteful balls.

I imagine that a woman who looked like this (above), would have a tree that looked...

Like this (above). It's the tree equivalent of a poodle.



On another subject, here's a tree (above) that isn't a tree at all. It's a step-ladder!

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR THEORY CORNER READERS!

THE PARKING LOT STORY

Players: Martin Olsen & Eddie Fitzgerald



Supervisor: "I don't know...not everybody's cut out for Automotive Marketing!"

Eager Young Assistant: "I'm cut out for it! I'm cut out for it! I just need a chance!"

Eager Young Assistant: "Oh Please, Oh please give me a chance! Pleasepleaseplease!!!"

Supervisor: " 'No price is too high for the privilege of owning yourself' -- Nietzsche."

Supervisor: "OK, see those cars over there? I want one of these circulars on each one, got it?

'Nothing is more important than the art of maneuvering for advantageous position' -- Sun -Tzu."

Eager Young Assistant: "Got it! Oh boyoboyoboy!"

Supervisor: " 'Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived stop and go in.' -- Napoleon."

Eager Young Assistant: "Wow! This is fun!"

Eager Young Assistant: (Happy humming)

TAP! TAP!

Eager Young Assistant: "Huh?"

(!!!)

CONTINUED BELOW.........

THE PARKING LOT STORY (CONTINUED)

Supervisor: "You let a girl beat you up?"

Eager Young Assistant: "Mmmmph!"

Supervisor: "Come here! Look at those cars. What do you see?"

Eager Young Assistant: "Uh...cars?"

Supervisor: "And whose cars are they?"

Eager Young Assistant: "Um...the little girl's cars?"

Supervisor: "No, they're YOUR cars! You paid for them with your blood and nobody can take them away unless they pry them away from your dead and bloody fingers!

Eager Young Assistant: "Bloody fingers!"

Supervisor: "You're a tiger, fighting for its territory!"

Eager Young Assistant: "I'm a tiger!"

Supervisor: "You're invincible!"

Eager Young Assistant: "Invincible!"

Supervisor: "Now get out there and take possession!"

Eager Young Assistant: "Take possession!"

Supervisor: " 'Whoever reaches his ideal transcends it, eo ipso!' -- Nietzsche."

Eager Young Assistant: "Just let that kid try to interfere! These are MY cars!"

Young Assistant: "Beautiful!"

Eager Young Assistant: "Huh!?"

(!!!!!!!!)

Eager Young Assistant: (Groan!)



Supervisor: (!!!!!!!!!!!)

Eager Young Assistant: "No, wait! Wait!"

Supervisor: " 'When you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you!' -- Nietzsche." '

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

MY FAVORITE ACTRESSES

How about Joan Crawford, who was good when she was young (above, topmost) but who morphed into a complete genius in middle age (above). How do you like this combination of a slip, a near-unibrow, and an aesome awning-stripe background?

I sneaked this (above) in after I got comments reminding me that I left out Garbo. I should be flogged for that because I love Garbo. Amazingly, I didn't always feel that way. Before two or three years ago I used to wonder what all the fuss was about. What turned me around was that I finally got hold of a good print of "Grand Hotel." Watch that, "Anna Christie" and "Romance" and you'll see for yourself why she was so special. She's one of the queens of sentimental over-the-top.

And let us not forget Madeline Kahn who was brilliant as Eunice in "What's Up, Doc?"

Imogene Coca (above, spelled right this time), the wonderful partner of Sid Ceasar in the 50s!

Come on, no screen witch matched Margaret Hamilton, though the woman who did the voice of the hag in Disney's "Snow White" wasn't shabby.

Hamilton played a pretty good biddie, too.

What about Edna May Oliver (above) who was so good in "David Copperfield"?

Then there's women like Bette Davis, Margaret Rutherford, and the like. This would be a long list if I wasn't so sleepy.

THE BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT

My preferred Christmas present this year (for people who don't have it) is once again this must-read book, "The Essence of Style" by Joan DeJean." It's ostensibly a book about fashion but it's really about politics, in fact it's one of the the very best books on politics I've ever read! Don't ask if it favors the Republicans or the Democrats; that's beside the point. The book says that politics is about aggressively bringing prosperity and jobs to one's own city or country. Let me explain.

According to DeJean, Louis XIV dedicated his reign to making France the pre-eminent economic power in 17th century Europe. One by one he targeted the trades that interested him and gave gifted people the power to make improvements happen. The king took a personal interest in these projects and rewarded people who delivered the goods with knighthood. He demanded results. He said in effect, "Do what you have to do to win. I'll back you up 100%."

The king was not above bribing skilled foreigners to leave their guilds and take up residence in France. He even had one of them kidnapped! Other nations didn't like to lose their skilled workers and would threaten to imprison or even kill these workers if they tried to leave. Undeterred, Louis sent gangs of soldiers dressed as civilians to smuggle these workers out. Once in France they were showered with money and privileges. Some of them were invited to live in the palace and were given titles.

Louis didn't stand idly by while all this happened. He was full of innovative ideas himself. He invented shopping and he lit up Paris with candles and oil lamps at night to prolong shopping hours and stimulate night life in cafes and theaters. When parts of Paris dragged their feet and were slow to rebuild to attract visitors, he set up tent cities where merchants could sell. The guy was a powerhouse of energy!

My favorite story in the book is one where Louis claimed at court that French shoemakers were the best in the world, so good that they could make seamless leather boots. He said he was wearing a pair that very moment. Of course, he was king, and no one had the nerve to ask for proof. All over Europe the foreign shoemakers instantly suffered a lowering of status since none of them knew how to make seamless boots. He'd used the same kind of tricks to promote French agriculture. He even convinced people to pay big prices for champagne, which was formerly considered an inferior wine, plagued with excessive gasification.

If I could afford it, I'd send everyone in Congress a copy of this book.

HARLOW'S "RECKLESS"

The other day I saw Jean Harlow's "Reckless" on Turner. It's not a great film, and I'm not a fan of Harlow, but she, or rather the girl who sang in her place, did a great job on the prelude to the title song. It's a nifty piece of work that deserves to be recognized. Here's the lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein:


Harlow: "What'll you ever BE?"

"What'll you ever DO?"

"How will you ever KNOW if you don't take a chance!?"


Girl Chorus: "You have got-to-get-ONE...SWEET...TASTE..."


Harlow: "I'm gonna LIVE long,

LEARN a lot,

I'll light my candle,

and I'll BURN a lot!"


Girl Chorus: "You'll have your BEST shocks,

HARD knocks..."



Harlow: "I'm on my OWN if I bruise!"


Girl Chorus: "And they'll be SMART TEARS,

JUST TEARS!"


Harlow: "And I can take it on the CHIN if I lose,

because I'm RECKLESS!!!"


Girl Chorus: "Because she's reckless..."


Harlow: "RECKLESS!"


Girl Chorus: "Because she's reckless..."


Harlow: "I'm gonna GO PLACES and LOOK LIFE IN THE FACE!!!!"


Astonishing genius! I love the rhetorical structure of the piece, and the contrast between the earthy, almost masculine voice of the singer, and the feminine voices in the choir. Never skimp on the choir. Without them (or a good instrumental or spoken poem) there's no contrast.

It's a pity that so many arrangements don't adequately set up the song. You have to prime a song, just like a pump. The song needs something to bounce off of, and that something has to be major entertainment in its own right, independent of the song. In the case of "Reckless" the primer overshadows the song, and that's OK. I would never cripple a really good primer, whether in music or animation, just to make the mediocre subsequent statement a little less offensive.

I'M NOT DEAD!!!!!!!

I'm not dead, I'm just super busy!!!! Man, Christmas is a bear, isn't it?!!! I'll try to post something later today!