MY LUNCH WITH MIKE

Here's my own version of the Welles/Jaglom restaurant-type dialogue, with Mike as a sort of Orson Welles.  It's a fairly accurate account of what we actually talked about there, but Mike won't allow me to post his picture so I've had to represent him with pictures of Tex Avery's wolf. If you've ever been in a restaurant with Mike you  know how apt that is. The man is never less than fully aware of what the pulchritude in the room is doing. 


INT. RESTAURANT:


EDDIE: "I wish I could remember which actor said that the purpose of the acting in a scene is to make it memorable."

MIKE: "Yeah, like Eli Wallach did with Tuco in 'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.' "

EDDIE: "Wow! A great example! Everything he did in that film was memorable. He went way beyond what must have been in the script."

MIKE: "That's what every actor should do. It's an actor's job to bring something to the table that only he can provide. 90% of acting is cast...Uh, Eddie, QUICK! Look at the salad bar! The girl...the girl!"

EDDIE: "Huh? That's not a girl...that's a guy."

MIKE: "No, no, no! Marone!!!! Not him! What's the matter with you? The girl behind the salad bar!"

EDDIE: "Can we get back to..."

MIKE: "Oh, yeah...sure, sure...I didn't mean to interrupt your high tone babbling with something as trivial as a drop dead gorgeous girl. Paaardon moi. So what were you jabbering about, Edward?"

EDDIE: "Acting."

MIKE: "Acting? Oh, right...okay. Well, remember what Jodi Foster said in that Esquire article...the one where they ask a famous person, 'What have you learned?' " She said she learned the most from DeNiro when they were doing the Taxi film."

EDDIE: "Really? What did he say?...er, Mike, you're not paying attention!"

MIKE; "Did you see what JUST WALKED IN? Did you SEE her? Oh, my Gaaaawd!"

EDDIE: "That's her boyfriend with her. You're gonna get a knuckle sandwich, wait and see."

MIKE: It'd be worth it, it'd be worth it!!!!

EDDIE: "...MIKE! Nearby: oyfriendbay (Pig Latin for 'boyfriend'). Ucklenay andwichsay (Pig Latin for 'knuckle sandwich') coming this way."


MIKE: "Okay, okay. Don't worry about it. Well, DeNiro took Foster out to lunch four times and every time he went over her lines with her. She didn't understand why because she already knew her lines but the fourth time she realized what was going on. He was trying to provoke her to be the character the lines were about, and not just a reader of lines.

He said it was okay to deviate from the lines if she was totally in character and remembered to bring it all back to the phrase that would justify his dialogue, which came next. Foster said she never forgot that."

EDDIE: "That's great! That must be how Woody....."

MIKE: "EDDIEEDDIEEDDIEEDDIE!!!!! Speaking of a WOODY, check out that girl behind the counter! The one with the black hair. OOH, MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWDDDD!!!!!!!!..........."

*************************

A LOVE POEM FOR LIP READERS

It's almost Valentine's Day!!!!!!!  Is your loved one hard of hearing? Maybe she'd appreciate a copy of the love poem I'm writing for the hearing impaired.  I'm not finished yet, but here's how it starts. See if you can guess what the poet (me) is saying. I'll give phonetic hints along the way, then print out the whole thing in ordinary script at the end.  

Okay, let's do this thing!

(Cough! Cough!)

Oops! Sorry about that.

Okay, here goes......

M...m...

iiiiiiiiiii

luuuuvvv

fur

yuuuuuuu

izzz

like

āā

tikled

thhhh

issss

llllllll..... There, I let that last "L" syllable just roll off my tongue.

The whole thing is "My-love-for-you-is-like-a-tickled-thistle." Tickled thistle...get it?...it's a repetition of the "th" sound. Us poets know about stuff like that. 

Notice that I left out harsh, explosive syllables...you know, stuff like....

"PATTERSON'S"

"POOCH!"

Don't ask me how I know to do that. It's a gift I was born with. 

VINTAGE MENS MAGAZINES (EXPANDED)

While searching for the pictures I used in the Philosophy Girls post (the previous post), I stumbled on some interesting men's sleaze magazines from the 50s. These weren't high class mags like Playboy and Esquire, these were the raunchy low class ones that dads all over America hid in their sock drawers.

What struck me about these magazines was how expertly they were put together. They usually combined high and low class elements. You'd find genuinely beautiful and insightful photographs side by side with the lowest sleaze. It seems incongruous at first, but when you think about it that's the way real life is...the sublime and the ridiculous served up in equal portions.

How do you like the picture above, shot in glorious, dramatic, philosophical black and white?

The photos were often shot in small apartments with modern, minimalist furniture. I imagine that a lot of readers lived like that, or wanted to. It was really smart of the magazines to avoid classy locations.

A lot of sleaze magazines avoided the porn laws by selling themselves as art reference. Every issue had to feature some models in classical art poses. I love the example above, which is funny and kitschy, but also artistic in its own way. Click to enlarge.

You would think that the sleazies would favor girls who look kind of dumb and slutty (above). After all, in real life girls like that are more likely to be sexually available.Well, these women are represented in these magazines to be sure...

..but the pearls of greatest price (above) were not exactly slutty girls...they were fallen girls...world-weary, downright evil...fallen girls, like the one above.

These women (above) came off as completely dissipated. They'd not only seen the dark side of life, they dwelled there. It was the only side of life they knew, or cared to know. 

Editors liked to give these girls "Evil eye" poses. 

Were the girls in these pictures really that bad in real life? Who knows? For the sake of magazine sales they certainly had to look like they were. 50s man wanted to feel like he had an adventure when he read magazines like this. He wanted to feel worldly, like he'd come in contact with the seedy underbelly of life and only just barely escaped unscathed. The magazine was selling reader self-image as well as sex.

Interesting, huh?

Wait a minute! Is there room for a Post Script?  Auralynn When, who gave me the link for these photos, says diversity is what made the sleazies so interesting. These magazines contained good girls, bad girls, beautiful girls and plain girls. Some were completely confident in the nude, some were embarrassed to be seen only half naked. Auralynn says that's what made these early magazines so vibrant. A good analysis!

"HOW TO STOP ACTING"

That's Robert Pattinson above. I couldn't find adequate pictures to illustrate this post, so on a whim I decided to illustrate it with pictures of my daughter's favorite actor. She's a fan of the Twilight movies.

Regarding acting, I thought I'd talk about Harold Guskin. He wrote a book a lot of actors read called "How to Stop Acting." Guskin's famous students include Holly Berry and Kevin Klein. He seems to be good with actors who have to play roles they may not be suited for, but which were too good to turn down. That's a common occurrence, and I imagine Guskin has no trouble filling a class.

Guskin believes that traditional methods put too much stress on perfection and deep understanding.  That makes it hard for an actor to be natural and believable, and nearly impossible for him to have fun.  He says actors ought to do exploratory readings rather than thought out roles, even when they're on stage in front of an audience.

His advice for an audition:

Ignore the casting description. It'll limit you to handling the role in the same boring way that everybody else handles it. Surprise the director if it feels right. If you do what feels right you'll deliver your best performance.

Don't memorize. If it feels right, and you understand what the writer is trying to get across, you should improvise a bit to make the emotion your own.

Spend more time worrying about other characters' lines than your own. Get a feeling for the word music you're both creating. Listen to what the other guy says, and don't sneak a peek at your script while he's speaking.

Dress to feel the part, not look the part. Never audition in costume.

Come with your own agenda. Come with ideas and choices that interest you, but be prepared to be influenced by ideas that are thrown at you in the room.

Attack your fear the moment you become aware of it. If you're afraid your voice won't carry, then shout. Afraid of being quiet? Whisper the line. Afraid of moving? Make a bold move. Afraid of standing still? Stand dead still like a rock.  After you attack take a breath then go somewhere else...anywhere else...so you're not stuck in the same place. The best way to deal with fear is to attack it!

Finally, take control of the audition. If a chair's not where you want it to be, then move it. If people don't understand why you're moving it, that's a good thing. Make the auditioners try to figure out what you're doing, because if they don't have to do that, you won't get the part.

Fascinating, huh? What's my take on this?  I like the kind of acting that's focused on voice training, the kind of thing Cicely Berry writes about. Even so, I have to admit that there's some good practical advice here.

BTW: here's what the author looks like (above).

THE LONE STRANGER (PARODY)

LONE STRANGER: "Well, there they are, Pronto! The Dalton Gang. They robbed the stage this morning, and now it looks like they're headed for town to celebrate."

LONE STRANGER: "My guess is that they hid the loot in their hideout.

PRONTO: "Mmmmm, that the logical inference, KemoSappy."

LONE STRANGER: "Pronto! Take this disguise, ride into town, and see if you can find out what they're gonna do next! We'll meet up at their hideout. Nobody's there now so I'll head over and see if I can find out where they hid the loot!"

    

PRONTO: "(GASP!) Ooooo! You mean that I get to wear the di...you mean that this time I'M the one who...."

PRONTO: "......Yes Sir, Lone Stranger, yes sir! RIGHT AWAY!"

PRONTO: "What a man! He's my HERO!"

LATER AT THE HIDEOUT:

LONE STRANGER: "Nothing there. Nothing here. Oh, Good Grief! Somebody spit in the coffee!"

SFX: OUTSIDE FOOTSTEPS APPROACH THE DOOR.

LONE STRANGER: "Uh-oh! It's the gang!"

LONE STRANGER: "GOTCHA!"

LONE STRANGER: "Rob old ladies, will 'ya!?"

LONE STRANGER: "Prey on the innocent, will you!?"

LONE RANGER: "You wanna stop the progress of the West?"

LONE STRANGER: "Stop this, why don't cha ?"

LONE STRANGER: "Am I inconveniencing you?"

LONE STRANGER: "Oops! Pardon me!""

LONE STRANGER: "TELEGRAM!"

The Lone Stranger reacts to something and drops his guns.

LONE STRANGER: "WAIT!!!!!!"

LONE STRANGER: "Pronto...is...is that you? I didn't recognize you in that disguise!"

PRONTO (GROGGY): "The ship was wasted on the blue morning elves while they hauled lively livers staunchly in the rain, n'est pas?

LONE RANGER: "C'mon Pronto! You don't need an expensive doctor! A little fresh air and you'll be fine!"

LATER: THE STRANGER TALKS TO SOME COWBOYS FROM THE TOWN.

LONE STRANGER: "You say the Dalton Gang was hit by a meteor!? No survivors?  Well, it looks like our work here is done, eh Pronto?

PRONTO (STILL INCOHERENT): "The badger's underwear shrieks in the flame while noodles redirect the fish."

LONE STRANGER: "Uh...right! Adios, boys!"

THEY MOUNT UP AND RIDE AWAY. 

COWBOY #1: "I didn't get the masked man's name. Who is he?"

COWBOY#2: You didn't recognize him!? Why, I reckon he's known throughout the West."

COWBOY#2 (VO): "That there's ...'THE LONE STRANGER!' "

LONE STRANGER (SHOUTS): HI-Ho SLIVER...and AWAAAAAAYYY!!!!!!

SPLAT! 

A giant woman's foot comes into sc. and crushes the duo!

This is by way of an ad for the next Theory Corner photo story: "Valley of the 50 ft. Women."

Post Script: Sorry for the bad photoshopping. I had to cut every corner possible just to finish this thing and get it off my desk. Also, I had to do all the drawing with a mouse. Have you ever tried to draw with those things?