PICTURES FOR THE LIVING ROOM WALL

 Soon I'll relocate to the farm belt and have the task of decorating the walls of my new house. For that I'll need pictures. I'm considering a big print of Basquiat's "Boy and His Dog" (above).

Also Gary Panter's "Elvis Zombie"...if there are prints of this. Are there?

Or Panter's "O Babaca."

Here's (above) a wall-worthy picture by Tim Burton.

I'd also like to put up caricatures of friends. I already have all the pictures I'll need...except for one. Maybe Mike will let me copy this one (above) that John, Marlo and Kali did of him.

I picture all these works of art in a living room a little like the set for "PeeWee's Playhouse (above)." Nice, huh?

Unfortunately my wife has decorating ideas of her own (gro-o-o-oan!). I swear, men and women are two different species.

She wants a dog, too.

We got along great with our last dogs. They really liked my wife and I. The problem is, they didn't like anyone else.

Even little dogs can be pretty feisty around strangers.

I told this to my wife, and she said what am I talking about...our dogs absolutely loved strangers! Hmmmmm.

CARICATURES OF...GUESS WHO?

Here they are: more caricatures of me! NO, NO...I'M NOT A NARCISSIST! I just thought  artists might find these useful because they're drawn in so many different styles.

Okay, what do you think of this one (above) by Amid? I like the way the nose and muzzle leap out of the page.

For comparison, I just took a wide-angle picture of myself. Even on that setting I couldn't get the muzzle anywhere near as big as Amid drew it...and yet his version works fine.

Haw! I'd just gotten a haircut (above) when I happened to meet John. The caption reads: "The New, Improved Ed!"

Above, another of my haircuts, also by John. I think he lays in wait in the bushes outside barber shops.

Mike did this one (above). I mentioned that I tried a new brand of soap, and this was the result.

Above, me with dog ears. By John, of course.

Me. Mike. Gee, this is a beautiful drawing!

Above, me drawn by Katie. Yikes! There's that "V" shaped head again!

Last but not least: me on a pizza-stained place mat. Artist unknown.

EDDIE FITZGERALD CARICATURES

Caricatures OF me by other artists, that is. Here's one by John K. He's convinced that I survive entirely on a diet of mayonnaise sandwiches and fast food. 

Uh-oh...John again. Oh, Man! Is that (above) cruel!!!!! But it can't be accurate. I know I look like Sean Connery in the James Bond movies, regardless of what my lying mirror says.

  

More John. He never said this (above) was me, but really.... 

Mike did this one of me reading a funny script by Henry Gilroy. Man, he totally NAILED Henry.

Ted Blackman did this one (above). It makes me look like Harold Lloyd. Ted's an amazing guy. Hes an animation producer but he could easily have been a newspaper cartoonist or a stand up comedian.

Never, ever get a cartoonist mad at you. The retaliation would be too horrible to think about. Here I am (above) with Mike Bell as drawn by the other Mike. In a comment Mike says he didn't do this...but then who did?

Haw! Bruce Timm drew this. It's embarrassing because I really did say what's attributed to me here, but I should have given more attention to how it would sound to others. Art is obviously about beauty, not ugliness. I only meant to say that comedy is about ugly people doing stupid things....beautiful ugly people doing intelligently stupid things.

MY LUNCH WITH MIKE

Here's my own version of the Welles/Jaglom restaurant-type dialogue, with Mike as a sort of Orson Welles.  It's a fairly accurate account of what we actually talked about there, but Mike won't allow me to post his picture so I've had to represent him with pictures of Tex Avery's wolf. If you've ever been in a restaurant with Mike you  know how apt that is. The man is never less than fully aware of what the pulchritude in the room is doing. 


INT. RESTAURANT:


EDDIE: "I wish I could remember which actor said that the purpose of the acting in a scene is to make it memorable."

MIKE: "Yeah, like Eli Wallach did with Tuco in 'The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.' "

EDDIE: "Wow! A great example! Everything he did in that film was memorable. He went way beyond what must have been in the script."

MIKE: "That's what every actor should do. It's an actor's job to bring something to the table that only he can provide. 90% of acting is cast...Uh, Eddie, QUICK! Look at the salad bar! The girl...the girl!"

EDDIE: "Huh? That's not a girl...that's a guy."

MIKE: "No, no, no! Marone!!!! Not him! What's the matter with you? The girl behind the salad bar!"

EDDIE: "Can we get back to..."

MIKE: "Oh, yeah...sure, sure...I didn't mean to interrupt your high tone babbling with something as trivial as a drop dead gorgeous girl. Paaardon moi. So what were you jabbering about, Edward?"

EDDIE: "Acting."

MIKE: "Acting? Oh, right...okay. Well, remember what Jodi Foster said in that Esquire article...the one where they ask a famous person, 'What have you learned?' " She said she learned the most from DeNiro when they were doing the Taxi film."

EDDIE: "Really? What did he say?...er, Mike, you're not paying attention!"

MIKE; "Did you see what JUST WALKED IN? Did you SEE her? Oh, my Gaaaawd!"

EDDIE: "That's her boyfriend with her. You're gonna get a knuckle sandwich, wait and see."

MIKE: It'd be worth it, it'd be worth it!!!!

EDDIE: "...MIKE! Nearby: oyfriendbay (Pig Latin for 'boyfriend'). Ucklenay andwichsay (Pig Latin for 'knuckle sandwich') coming this way."


MIKE: "Okay, okay. Don't worry about it. Well, DeNiro took Foster out to lunch four times and every time he went over her lines with her. She didn't understand why because she already knew her lines but the fourth time she realized what was going on. He was trying to provoke her to be the character the lines were about, and not just a reader of lines.

He said it was okay to deviate from the lines if she was totally in character and remembered to bring it all back to the phrase that would justify his dialogue, which came next. Foster said she never forgot that."

EDDIE: "That's great! That must be how Woody....."

MIKE: "EDDIEEDDIEEDDIEEDDIE!!!!! Speaking of a WOODY, check out that girl behind the counter! The one with the black hair. OOH, MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWDDDD!!!!!!!!..........."

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MY DINNER WITH MIKE

Er...change that to read, "My LUNCH With Mike." I didn't get any photos of Mike because he wouldn't co-operate.

Anyway, the lunch was this Saturday and we both had a recent acquisition to show. Mike brought a totem pole he just got off the net. Nifty, isn't it? It's hard to get a good totem pole for anything less than a king's ransom. He also brought the rubber chicken that used to be on top of his refrigerator. He said it was mine if I wanted it because he's had it for ten years now and it's all dry and cracked. For a moment the thought crossed my mind that it might make a good Mother's Day present but I thought better of it.

Oddly enough, the rubber chicken attracted a few people to our table, including a guy dressed in a pricey black body suit and black cap. He looked like an agent of Spectre. When he left I remarked to Mike that he dressed like someone famous, someone very Beverly Hills. Mike said I missed the Ralph's Supermarket emblem on his shoulder. Mike recognized him as the guy who stacks the produce. That's how they all dress there. Holy Cow! Ralph's employees get to look like secret agents!

Mike also showed me his new slapstick. I had no idea what it was. It turns out that it's what clowns used to hit each other with. It's a paddle that makes a big "Whack!" noise without really hurting anyone. It's where the term "slapstick comedy" came from. 

For my part of the Show and Tell I brought out the dainty black hand I just bought for a few bucks at the local craft store. I told Mike I was thinking of buying a few and giving them out as Theory Corner awards in a ceremony celebrating excellence in student comedic animation.

The fingers would hold a picture of the world's funniest man, Percy Dovetonsils (above), and that would give the name to the award: The Golden Percy. I thought it was a great idea but the whole thing mystified Mike. He wanted to know why I was calling it "Golden." It's black so it ought to be called "The Black Percy." He suggested that I have other awards called "The Hairy Percy" and "The Shaved Percy." 

Yikes! I didn't realize.....honestly, I....well, now I can't call it a Percy anymore.

BTW: The book I'm reading in the photo at the top is by R. L. Stine, a popular author of horror novels for eleven and twelve year-olds. I've never read anything he's written but the library put some of his books in the give-away bin and I thought I'd try one. Does anybody here have an opinion about this guy?

SOME OLD PHOTOS

Here's a few photos from my trunk. Let's see....here's (above) Mike as W. C. Fields. Steve took the picture on Halloween. I cropped it 'cause I'm in there too, and I didn't like the pose I took. Mike looks great, though. The red on his nose perfectly sets off all the other reds in the picture. 

Aaaargh! If only I'd had my camera on a wide angle setting!

Above, a very dignified Fields poses for his fans.

Above, another Halloween photo, this time of me in the uniform of the Exalted Grand Master of the Royal Order of the Muskrat. No, I'm not eating a muskrat...that's chicken. I love this picture, but I don't know who took it. Steve? Auralynn? 

Here's Mike wearing the sacred hat and....taking the Muskrat pledge? 

Here's Auralynn and Sarah. Auralynn designed those pajamas (above) for (I think) American Apparel. Her measurements were used for the petite size of a whole line of clothing.

Imagine that...she could walk into any store that sold that line and buy anything off the rack and get a perfect fit. Me, I don't know what it's like to have an article of clothing that actually fits. 

Here's a photo of me taken by John at his favorite BBQ restaurant. Animal pictures like this are all over the walls there.

Above, me around the time when I got my first animation job.

Above, me now. Gee it's amazing, isn't it!? I've hardly changed! I attribute it to good living.

TOY COLLECTOR

EXT. MIKE'S HOUSE: STORMY NIGHT: 

EDDIE (VO): "So you're finally going to break down and show me your Secret Stash...the legendary vault where you keep your best collectibles!"

MIKE (VO): "Yeah, well I got tired of you pestering me about it."

INSIDE THE HOUSE :

MIKE: "Okay, the way down starts behind this curtain. Are you sure you want to do this? You can still back out!"

EDDIE (VO): "Are you kidding? This is the chance of a lifetime! Lead on!"

MIKE: "Alright, follow me, and stay close. Don't touch anything!"

EDDIE (VO): "Geez, it's cold in here!"

MIKE: "It'll warm up."

EDDIE (VO): "Yikes! WHAT ARE THOSE!!!!????

MIKE: "They guard the stairs. Just step over them very, very quietly. 

EDDIE: "Er, Mike, I think I changed my mind. I wanna go back!"

MIKE: "Don't be silly. Keep going!"

EDDIE (FRIGHTENED) (VO): "W-what do you feed these guys?"

MIKE (VO): "Nothing. They eat intruders!"

MIKE: "This way! Be sure to copy every step I take exactly!""

EDDIE (UNCOMFORTABLE) (VO): "Haw! That was a great joke about eating intruders! And look at those fake signs! Haw, haw! I mean...heh...nobody ever gets hurt here for real, right?"

MIKE DOESN'T ANSWER BUT HUMAN REMAINS ON THE CAVE FLOOR TELL THE STORY.

MIKE (VO): "I told you it would warm up! Don't let the dragon know you're scared. Be very calm.  Tell yourself that you belong here."

EDDIE: "I belong here! I belonghereIbelonghereIbelonghereIbelonghere!"

MIKE (VO): "Okay, we're here."

MIKE (VO): "A couple of turns of the key, and......."

TO BE CONTINUED

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BTW, Thanks to Jack Benny for the great ideas!