Sunday, February 04, 2007

THEORY CORNER FOR WOMEN (NO MEN ALLOWED)

Hello, Sisters! I reckon I'm not good at public speaking so I guess I'll begin plain and direct by showing you this plea for help that that I wrote to Uncle Eddie (above) a few weeks ago....

"Dear Uncle Eddie:

Beulah Bradshaw here. I'm sorry to burden you with this. I know you get thousands of letters from lonely females, more than you could ever answer, but I have nowhere else to turn. If you don't help me I'll just just have to buy a one-way ticket to the river, if you know what I mean. Won't you please help me? Here's my problem...

I've had affection for David, the boy next door, ever since I can remember. When he studied to become a doctor, I decided that being a nurse would be my career so that our work would bring us together. And that's exactly what happened. Then Chad, a handsome folk singer came into my life and suddenly there was...well, a new song in my heart. Now I have to choose. David is handsome and talented and has a plush society practice. Chad is something of a wastrel but his touch makes me tremble. What should I do?

Yours Expectently,

Beulah Bradshaw"

I don't know if I really expected Uncle Eddie to answer but a few days later his secretary called and told me that Uncle Eddie would be pleased to meet me that very afternoon at his villa in the Hollywood Hills. Within hours I was shown into the consevatory where I snapped this picture (above) of him lying down and shirtless, evidently in a state of near exhaustion after rescuing a kitten from a nearby tree. After introductions were made and the situation explained, the following conversation took place (transcribed from a tape recorder):

Uncle Eddie: "Beulah...may I call you Beulah?...please take my hand."

Beulah: "Gasp! You want ME to take YOUR hand!!?? Wait til I tell my girlfriends about this!"

Uncle Eddie: "Beulah, I want you to look into my eyes and answer the question I'm about to ask as truthfully as you possibly can. Will you do that?"

Beulah: "(Gulp!) ok...I mean, OK, Uncle Eddie!"

Uncle Eddie: "This, this Chad...can you speak to him without holding back? When you're with him do you hide anything from him?"

Beulah: "(Gulp!) Uh...no, I don't think so."

Uncle Eddie: "That's good! Now listen to me closely! Every woman is a mystery to be solved but she never hides anything from her true lover. Her skin color tells him how to proceed. The hue speaks like the blush of the rose, pink and pale, and she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. Is this not so?"

Beulah: "Um...uh...(Gulp!) (Gulp!)...um...it's getting awfully, uh, hot in here."

Uncle Eddie: "And under her true lover's gaze the pale, dappled skin of her redness yields to the lust of his wave crashing to the shore, stirring up what lies beneath and bringing the foaming delight of love to the surface, does it not? And when he touches his fingertips to yours is it not like pressing your hands against his knees with the tender, fleshy part brushing...."

At this point I brushed against the recorder and accidentally turned it off. Anyway, after only a few minutes with Uncle Eddie I realized that Chad was the man for me. I want romance in my life! I want to live!!! Thank you, Uncle Eddie! You've changed my life!
!

14 comments:

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Oops! I forgot to credit the hot and heavy part of Uncle Eddie's dialogue to...Drat! I forget the name!...Johnny Depp's Don Juan film.

Anonymous said...

The movie is "Don Juan de Marco" and is also famous for the elephantine Marlon Brando's exposed butt crack being airbrushed out of hundreds of frames at a point when he flops onto a shocked Faye Dunaway.

Kali Fontecchio said...

The fleshy part of the knee brushing...

I need a towel! I mean, I need ice picks for my eyes.

Jennifer said...

Ahem....*gulp*...it is getting hot in here...

That post was fantastic! Absolutely classic!

Is that how Auntie Mrs. Fitzgerald reacted when she saw you, Uncle Eddie (the blushing, the fluttering heart)? What will Auntie Mrs. Fitzgerald say about your conversation with Ms. Beulah?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Jennifer: What did my wife think? She laughed, which is the response I was looking for.

You asked what she felt when we met and I'm dying to relate some stories about that but my wife made me promise not to write about her so I reluctantly comply. She's a lot like Mary Poppins. She has a sense of propriety that prevents her from being a ham like me.

Steve Schnier said...

Jeepers Eddie, my wife is the same way... she's got a highly developed sense of propriety. I often wonder what would have become of her if she'd married an accountant or a meteorologist instead of me.

Max Ward said...

I personally would like to hear more about Uncle Eddie: the family man.

Max Ward said...

Jennifer: I realized something, we both frequent this blog alot and we both live awfully close to each other.

I don't really care said...

As if she even has a problem.

Marry the doctor, sleep with the bum. That's what a real man would have told her. It's a real-world solution.

Charlie J. said...

I never noticed this, but I love how you write the headings to your theories in all capitals!

William said...

I haven't really thought about this before, but yeah, actually. I started a family close to a year ago with my beautiful daughter so a theory corner about family would be really, really awesome.

That said, the whole "a woman never hides anything from her true lover" is bullshit and whoever wrote that should be shot. Or poked really hard repeatedly in the arm.

I don't really care said...

That said, the whole "a woman never hides anything from her true lover" is bullshit and whoever wrote that should be shot. Or poked really hard repeatedly in the arm.

Maybe, but it's more poetic than, "A woman never hides anything from her gay friend who is always sneering at me."

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't lack of Brando's Butt Crack be a lot more shocking and noticeable than its presence, where it naturally would be expected?

As a bum that has been glad to see a good woman go into a situation where she could be properly cared for, I tend to echo "I Don't Cares" sentiments, as far as real world practicality goes however.

Deborah said...

hahaha!