MY PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE

In the future humanoid robots will be common. No need to worry; they will always be identifiable by their poor choice in clothes.


Chairs will be so comfortable that nobody will ever want to leave them. The chairs will sprout wheels or wings as the situation calls for, and will be able to take us anywhere we want to go.


Ultimately the chairs will become more intelligent than we are, and get rid of us. Their proximity to us will have heightened their sophistication relative to other machines, and if machines ever go to war with each other, my bet is the chairs will win. Chairs will be the real inheritors of the Earth. Perhaps some chairs, nostalgic for the old days, will carry floppy dead humans in their seats.


Of course animals will become smarter.


The future will be obsessed with putting glass domes on everything. Cities, beds, parakeets...everything will have a dome or a space helmet.


A few mavericks will drive cars without domes where people can actually talk to each other, but these people will be justly shunned by their peers.


A few brave souls may actually leave their chairs and walk around their living rooms. When it's necessary to travel, the whole living room will pick itself up and scurry around town.


Humans will become perfect physical specimens. They will be tiny though, in order to conserve energy.


Of course the future will be environmentally responsible. The shocking waste involved in each individual having his own soda straw will be eliminated. Community straws will proliferate.

 .......

Incidentally, the type size on the comments page got smaller all by itself, with no help from me. Anybody know how to fix that?

YET ANOTHER LAUNDRY POST!

It must be the testosterone inhibiter I'm taking. I feel like doing posts on crocheting doilies! Man, hormones are really powerful! Oh well, here's another post on clothing. It's about ironing sheets, of all things! Pity me! I can't help myself!

OK, here's a question for you...is ironing worth it? I mean, why not buy wash and wear clothes and save the trouble? Me, I don't like ironing so I'll try to buy clothes that don't need it. Sheets though, that's another thing.


No good hotel offers anything but starched and ironed sheets, and it's easy to see why. Slipping into crisp, starched sheets is one of life's really intense pleasures. If the bed is well made, with everything pulled tight, that's even better. And if the sheets are sun-dried and smelling fresh and outdoorsy well, that's the best of all.


Hospitals starch and iron their sheets and change them frequently. That's obviously for for hygiene, but I'll bet there's another reason. Crispy sheets are cheery. They give a patient a feeling of being fussed over and cared about, and of being in competent hands. Surely that makes the effort worthwhile. And what goes for hospitals goes for homes.

You can buy steam sheet ironers for the home. Connair has one (above) that's less than a hundred bucks, but I've never seen it. There's another kind that they make for hotels and laundries. That one has rollers and probably costs more.

I get the feeling that someone who does this only once in a while would be better off ironing in the traditional way. If you don't deliberately iron in folds, it should go pretty fast. You iron while the sheets are still damp with a really hot steam iron. The starch is added in liquid form in the washing machine. Just be sure to get good quality, cotton sheets that aren't too light. Sun drying discolors some kinds, why I don't know.


Sigh! I need to get off these anti-testosterone pills! Only a few more days and I'm a free man!

GLORIOUS WRINKLES!

John K just put up a couple of great wrinkle posts and they inspired me to take a shot at it, in the belief that great and noble subjects like wrinkles can't be discussed too frequently. This is a post about wrinkles; beautiful, sumptuous winkles. Wrinkles, the cartoonist's friend.

Wrinkles look great on a suit, in fact a suit that doesn't have them (above) looks odd and characterless.

Of course you take a chance when you buy a wrinkle suit. The wrinkles won't always flatter you and indeed they shouldn't. You want a suit that has character, that is independent and has a life of its own.  The suit's idiosyncrasies are part of its charm.

The thing to understand about wrinkles is that the best ones are always a surprise. You expect a certain amount of wrinkles around a bent elbow, you don't expect really drastic wrinkles around the bottom of the rib cage as in the picture of President Kennedy above. The wrinkle connoisseur treasures surprises like this. 

Having lots of wrinkles serves to call attention to the areas that don't have them. Here (above) the wrinkled-up sleeve beautifully contrasts to the unwrinkled, clean sweep of the back. 


The effort to vanquish wrinkles is doomed to defeat. You may as well grow to like them because there's not much you can do about them. President Nixon tried to banish them by wearing characterless felt (or felt-type) puppet jackets... a situation where the cure was worse than the disease.  


I hate to admit it, but not all wrinkles are equal. Some are just plain boring. Here's (above) a velour jacket that's so thick and heavy that it looks like Ahab just stripped it off a whale. The heavy, lazy wrinkles have no character. They just can't take the trouble to assume interesting shapes.

Here's (above) another negative example: these (above) are the kind of despicable wrinkles you get straight out of the washing machine. The large wrinkles are too predictable, the small ones too random. 

Really interesting wrinkles occur when a well-groomed wearer tries to avoid them, but they occur anyway. That's an example of the suit asserting it's own personality, and not just being a toady to the wearer. 


Some of the 30s and 40s suits were tailored with the deliberate intention of creating interesting wrinkles. These were fine in their own way, but the heavy fabric produced only predictable wrinkles. Not many surprises there. 

I prefer the baggy look of the early 50s. Slender suits were coming into fashion then but the older generation clung to the baggy look...only by then the fabric was less heavy. One day, when time machines have been perfected, wrinkle connoisseurs will take tours of this era and bring back lots of photos of the flamboyant oldsters.
   
It takes guts to be a wrinkle man. We relish what the rest of the world considers mistakes. Before I was enlightened I used to be appalled when I sat down and my puffy pants "tent-poled" up from the lap. Now I enjoy it, and do nothing to hide it. Er...well, actually I do try to hide it sometimes; I guess I still have to work on that one. I have a feeling it makes girls uneasy.


There's lots more to say about wrinkles, but I guess this is all I have time for now. One of these days I'll post about another interesting mens fashion: the slim, crimped waist look with the outrageously over-sized hats and spit-shined patent leather shoes. 

WHAT TESTOSERONE DOES

I have a minor surgery coming up on September second. Please, please don't ask for the boring details. It's nothing life-threatening and really, I've had a lot less of this sort of thing than most, so I have no reason to complain. I'll be flat on my back for a couple of weeks and I don't know whether I'll end up blogging more or less. it might be more, because I won't have much else to do. It's boring lying there looking up at the ceiling all day.


Anyway, I'm dying to tell you about a small detail that you might find interesting. For a few weeks I've had to prep for the surgery by taking a pill that inhibits testosterone. It's only temporary, I'll go back to normal next month, but for a few weeks I've had the experience of having low levels of the stuff. What a revelation!!!!!! From feeling the lack of it, I can now deduce with confidence what testosterone does, and it's not what I expected.

Actually the first few days I took this pill my testosterone increased for some reason, and I found myself wanting to fight other men all day. I'd strut around with my chest out, hoping that some guy would give me a surly look. I swear I felt like going into a bar and picking fights. I wasn't mad at anyone, not in the least, I just felt like a bull seal whose whole reason for existence was to defend his rock and protect his harem. Fortunately other men cut me some slack, which was lucky for me, because I can't fight to save my life. I knew that, but it didn't seem to matter. Hormones aren't logical.

After a few days I felt myself being drawn in the opposite direction. I didn't feel like a girl...that would have required female hormones...no, it was weirder than that. I felt like...like...well, like a reasonable man. A good citizen. I felt mild. All forms of conflict seemed pointless to me. It hit me as a revelation that disputes are pointless because there's no such thing as right and wrong. All of us are always, now and forever, half right and half wrong. Gosh darn, can't we live in harmony together?

That's the mood I'm in now. This mildness is driving me nuts but I can't shake it off. I feel less creative and even less libidinous. Less libidinous means that I think of sex only half the day now as opposed to all day, which has been my normal state since I was 13. Oh, well...it's only for another week or so. I'm counting the days.

So the big revelation I got was that our behaviors are more hormonally driven than I'd ever suspected. Boy, we're not many steps removed from the jungle! Maybe the guys in gangs are all abnormally high-testosterone types, and the peacemakers of the world all have abnormally low amounts. How are these people ever going to understand each other? On another point, during my week of high testosterone levels I felt no desire to beat up women, just men, so I've also learned that testosterone aggression is only directed toward other men. Last but not least, I learned that hormones are related to creativity. I always suspected that but now I feel certain about it.

A WORD ABOUT ALLYSON FELIX

I just watched the Olympic women's relay race, and was wildly happy to see that Allyson Felix and her team won gold medals for the U.S. I have a small personal connection with Allyson because I used to see her when her mother taught my kids in elementary school. I'm ashamed to say that at the time I only had a vague idea of who Allyson was. My attention was mostly on her mother who was a powerhouse of a teacher who was really popular with students and parents alike. According to the other parents Allison's dad was a high achiever too. He was a Baptist minister. Everybody had the impression that the Felixes were some kind of super family.


The reason I mention all this this is to provide background for an attribute of Allyson's that you might have seen during the games. Like her mother Allyson always seemed to be sincerely glad to be with other people. She was always first to congratulate the winner, and always seemed to be focused on winning rather than wishing other people would lose. If you watch her face while she runs, she's concentrating on the running not on letting loose some inner frustration. Well, actually I did find a clip where she looked a little surly but everybody's entitled to one slip-up.



Allyson and her mother remind me of a teacher that I had in high school. He would occasionally get mad and deliver hard slaps yet, paradoxically, he was a real nice guy who was usually delighted to hear what the kids had to say, or at least did a good job of faking it. He'd say, "Now let's hear what Mr. Fitzgerald has to tell us," and he'd say it with genuine interest as if he thought I and the other guys might actually have something to say that was worth hearing. I can't tell you exactly why that made an impression, but it left me with a lifelong feeling that most other people were fundamentally decent and were in some sense family. I got that feeling when I watched Allyson.

FACES TO HANG ON THE WALL

I'm always interested to see what cartoonists hang on their walls. Usually it's cartoons and paintings. Sometimes it's music and film posters or, if the walls are dominated by the cartoonist's significant other, stately pictures of roses or horse-drawn carriages. My walls are mostly masks and cartoon cels.  The rest tend to be faces, why I don't know.  Here's a few that I either have framed up on the wall or am thinking about putting up. 

This is a nice picture to end with, isn't it?  This is my all-time favorite picture of a dog, the towering Mount Everest of dog photos. 

Thanks to Mike F. for turning me on to Julie Newmar and the "She May Be a Bag of Trouble" poster. Thanks to John K for the Mortimer Snerd photo.

THINKING ABOUT 3D ANIMATION

Boy, this is a big subject! For a start, lets ask whether 3D (above) really improved the old 2D cartoon characters (below). Which do you prefer?


If it hasn't improved them, then maybe we should draw conclusions from that.





Which version of the Alvin characters do you prefer?


Let's face it, 3D is a very limited medium. I laughed when Clampett did the old shoes-for-wheels gag in "Coal black," but in 3D the same gag (above) is only mildly interesting.


Make the gag even more realistic (above) and it's not funny at all. The more realistic the shoe gag gets, the harder it is to make it funny. It's harder to be funny to be funny in 3D. It's less of a caricature of the real world.


Realistic humans without pants may be sexy sometimes, but you have to work hard to make them funny.


Look how effortlessly 2D (above) accomplishes the same thing. 


This group of old men looks hilarious in this (above) old Rube Goldberg cartoon. Would they have looked as funny in 3D? And the cost...I'll bet it was a hundred times faster and cheaper to draw these people than it would have been to create computer models.  

2D cartooning has an incredibly rich history.  Some of the best minds who ever worked in popular art  gave us a legacy of gutsy and streetwise artwork that might have stimulated our own creativity for hundreds of years to come. 3D has so far been indifferent to all that.

But maybe I'm being too harsh. Every once in a while you see a moment in a 3D film (above) that gives you reason to hope. I haven't seen Horton yet. Is it worth seeing?


Here's a couple of shots (above and below) from George Pal's Puppetoons. These are very crude, and I'm not suggesting we return to that, but they do prove that some type of cartoony 3D can be funny.


Pal's Jasper proves that it's possible to do 3D design that's so incredibly funny that the characters look great even when they're standing still.


I've noticed that cartoony 3D subjects (above) sometimes look funnier in black and white. Why is that? Is it the ultra-retro design or the fact that digital makes black and white looks so sharp and appealing?

PAPER CASTLES

One of the best things about having kids is that you get to get to make cool stuff with them, like paper castles. Most of the ones I and my kids made looked like the one above; not very imaginative really, just a kazillion spires and pennants held together with scotch tape.


It's a good thing that I hadn't seen this picture (above) in those days because if I had, I would have been seduced into making really elaborate castles that I wouldn't have wanted to see smashed. Smashing dad's precious castle is just about the most fun thing a kid can do. It could be that a rubber T-Rex smashes it, or a plastic Batman or fighter plane bombs it...there are lots of ways a kid will demolish it, but demolish it they will, probably within 15 minutes after it's built.


Look at that sucker (above)...that guy really put a lot of work into it! He must have been a bachelor!


Here's a nice one (above) that looks a slum dwelling on the edge of one of Dr. Seuss's cities.


Boy, you add color to these things (above) and they look great!


It's a bit off-topic but I couldn't help putting up this picture (above) of a tower built with empty cardboard boxes. If I did this and my kid destroyed it, Armageddon would ensue.


I once saw a built-up paper sculpture of St. Basil's cathedral, for my money one of the most beautiful buildings on the planet. The sculpture was made from one of those craft store books where you cut out a zillion tiny parts and glue them together. I don't know who buys those kits. Only prisoners have the time to make those things, and they're not allowed to have scissors.

 

CAPTAIN HOOK VS. THE ROBBERS (PART 1)

On a hill on Robber Island: Captain Hook and his crew, and Peter Pan's dog (I really need to think of a name for him) climb to the summit to get a better view. Hook has forced the dog to reveal that Peter Pan is hiding out with the robbers.


Up til now we haven't seen the robbers. Can it be that Robber Island contains no robbers?


CAPTAIN HOOK: (WHEEZING AND PANTING): "This'll do! You can see the whole island from here!"





CAPTAIN HOOK: "Whew! It's a good thing I brought all that bottled water! Oooooohh! That's good! Yeah...oooooh yeah, that hits the spot!"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "The mark of a good water is its mineral content. Just the right amount of feldspar, with a tad of sedimentary limestone and a hint of lotus leaf."





CAPTAIN HOOK: "Careful, careful! We don't want to waste precious resources."





CAPTAIN HOOK: "Wait a minute! What's THAT!!!!!????"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "Gasp! It's some hideous jungle thing, and it's probably sucking my blood right now!!!!"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "HURRY! GET IT OFF!!! Please, please! I beg you! I can feel the blood draining out of my body now!!!!!!!!!!!!!"





The dog examines the "jungle thing" and discovers that it's a lady bug. He gently plucks it off.














CAPTAIN HOOK: "Gasp! You saved my life! How can I ever repay you!?"





CAPTAIN HOOK: "Wait! Water! The gift of life!"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "Here, you take it! Don't worry about me! I've had a full life! Go ahead and take it, and don't look back!!! Take it, I say!!!!!"




















CAPTAIN HOOK: "Now where's that twerp, Pan?"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "I don't see anything, just trees and sand! I don't even see any robbers!"



CONTINUED BELOW.....


Still photos and captions (above and below) copyright Eddie Fitzgerald, 8/15/2008.
Color film (below) copyright Jim Arnold, 8/13/2008.

CAPTAIN HOOK MEETS THE ROBBERS (EDDIE & JIM)

On Robber Island: Pan's dog has convinced Hook that Pan is living with the robbers on Robber Island. Hook scans the landscape with his spyglass but finds nothing.


CAPTAIN HOOK: "I have to tell ya, I don't see any robbers."








CAPTAIN HOOK: "Why would there be any robbers here, anyway?"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "I'm the only person they ever steal from, and I don't live around here."


CAPTAIN HOOK: "Now Mermaid Island, that's the place for a robber."


CAPTAIN HOOK: "The mermaids have all that stupid fan merchandise of Peter Pan."


CAPTAIN HOOK: "Imagine buying that stuff?


CAPTAIN HOOK: "You'd have to be so...Mmmph (His false teeth are removed in mid-speech)!
































Robbers restore his false teeth, hat, etc.





CAPTAIN HOOK: "Well I didn't see any robbers. This is a deserted island. You brought me to a deserted island!"


CAPTAIN HOOK: "Haw Haw! I guess the joke was on me! You sure put one over on the old Captain!"

CAPTAIN HOOK: "That's alright! A little DOG PIE tonight, and I'll feel OK again!"

CAPTAIN HOOK; "Wha?....What's wrong?

END CREDITS: I did the black and white photo story and ace filmmaker Jim Arnold did the color film of the robbers!

There's a part one to this that I haven't put up yet, and which will appear above what you see now. I'll put it up tonight or tomorrow!

CARTOONISTS AS MARTIAL ARTS SUPERSTARS

The other night I saw the latest Ultimate Fighting bout at John's place, and it was beyond great! The graphics and sound were the best I'd seen in any sports event, ever. The announcers whipped the audience into a frenzy, searchlights scanned the fans going wild in the dark, the titles were written in fire and slid in with F-14 sound effects, the biographies perfectly set up the human dimension, and the girls who held up the information cards were knock-outs...all in all, a perfect presentation! Oh yes, the fights themselves were terrific! What a night!

On the way home I found myself wishing that animation could be presented like that. Why can't we generate that kind of excitement? I mean the "Iron Man" show does it with cooks, why can't we do it with artists?



I can envision a TV show with two competing 2-D animators emerging one at a time through corridors in the crowd. Each is surrounded with three surly assistant animators who protect their animator captain from the fans. In the ring the two artists are brought together, nose to nose, facing each other down. Both may have glasses and weigh 98 lbs, but they're all hyped up on adrenalin and it looks like they'd like to kill each other. The announcer gives us the specs on each, tells us how it's a grudge match. Filmed biographies show them each confidently predicting the demise of the other.



The announcers whip the audience into a frenzy then the animators are separated and, along with their assistant animators, are led to desks at opposite ends of the platform. Each desk has a video camera over the desk and a foot pedal to click off frames. A hush falls over the audience as a beautiful girl in a thong bikini reaches into a bowl and chooses a story line. Both animators will do a 20 second film, which must use the story chosen by the girl. Both will do the same story!



The story is announced! Maybe it's something like: "A guy and a girl attempt to kiss, but their noses get in the way." The clock is started. The captains take a minute to brainstorm  with their crew. When they're ready the animator quickly does the rough character designs and starts working so he can hand out to the assistants. No time to color, no time to redo: it'll be a pencil test done with heavy, black pencil!




The audience cheers for their favorite. An overhead video screen shows the artists' progress. More biographical clips and commentary fill up the slow spots. Not making the deadline is unthinkable. The question is, how good will it be? How funny will it be? It's gotta be funny! The artists work at a furious pace. The audience cheers their favorite and attempts to harass and distract the other!



Finally the films are finished and fast, crude, home-made SFX and canned music are quickly layered in. The film is run for the audience and the judges, and the winner chosen. The panting, sweating winner is awarded a gold belt and the opportunity to date one of the card girls. The loser drags his sorry butt out of the arena, humiliated and forever marked as a beaten man.

Girls: Is there a girl version of this?

MILT'S CLAMPETT ARTICLE (CONCLUSION)

An awful lot of Theory Corner people also read John K's blog, so I'll assume that people here are familiar with the excellent article, "Milt Gray on Clampett" that was serialized there recently. If you're not, then try the June 3 and May 12 installments at http://johnkstuff.blogspot.com/

Anyway, if you're like me you were frustrated beyond endurance when John wasn't able to run the final installment. He just didn't have time. Well, I have time, so here it is, complete with pictures chosen by the author. It's a preeeety interesting piece, something that oughta stir things up a bit. Enjoy!



MILT GRAY ON CLAMPETT (CONCLUSION)

In 1941 Bob is finally rewarded for his successes -- he is given the best color unit when Tex Avery leaves to go to M-G-M. Bob’s first cartoons are completing the cartoons that Tex had begun. Since it takes about nine months to complete a single cartoon, and a cartoon is in each stage of production (story, design and recording, layout, animation, inbetweening, etc.) only about five to six weeks, that means that each director has at least a half dozen cartoons in production at any given time, each one in a different stage of production. So Bob inherited several Avery-created cartoons, which share Avery’s and Bob’s sensibilities to some degree. But once Bob begins cartoons created entirely by himself, he sets a level of creativity and originality that has never been equaled. Every Clampett Warner cartoon from this time on is a unique new subject. On those rare occasions that Clampett does use an established formula -- like Bugs racing the tortoise -- he adds some really over-the-top elements that lift the cartoon(s) to a whole new level.






Clampett was always reaching for the new and unexpected, and not just copying things that were well done before. He was always focused not only on fresh subjects, but also on eccentric (and precise) acting, and visual surprises for the audience. He was, in his heart, an enthusiastic entertainer.











He never took the easy way, and his animators had to share his ambition or be replaced by someone who was eager to do his very best. For example, Virgil Ross, an excellent animator, admitted many years later that although he liked Bob and admired his work, he just wasn’t willing to do all the ambitious things that Bob always asked for, and so Virgil volunteered to be traded into the Freleng unit where the standards were much lower and the work much easier.

The only other director at Warners to come close to Bob’s level of energy was Frank Tashlin, on his third stint at the Schlesinger Studio, from about 1942 to 1944. Friz and Chuck struggled to try to keep up, and were extremely relieved when Bob left Warners to pursue an independent career. In Bob’s absence, the energy in the Warner cartoons quickly dissipated, as Friz and Chuck relaxed by making mostly cartoons in which the characters just stand around and talk (like Duck, Rabbit, Duck).















Chuck Jones once commented on the Clampett cartoons: “Most filmmakers pace their films by starting with a relaxed tempo, introducing the characters, and then gradually increase the tempo until they reach the climax on a high crescendo. But Bob Clampett was different. Bob would start his films at the top -- and from there he would go up!”









I think one of the biggest reasons that Clampett has so seldom gotten the recognition he deserves, especially for his 1940s Warner cartoons, is that critics and cartoon historians (including myself) have been largely unable to even describe in words what Clampett excelled at. By contrast, Friz and Chuck were primarily concerned with “respectability”, and so whatever the “rules” of filmmaking were -- which were already described in words in books and magazine articles even by the mid 1930s, and therefore ready-made for critics and historians to reference -- Friz and Chuck were anxious to adhere to. Plus, Friz and Chuck were focused on a linear exposition of story structure, with dialog that defined character -- which is also easy for critics and historians to write about. Clampett was certainly aware of these “rules”, but did not make himself a slave to them. Instead, Clampett was much more of an innovator, and his innovations were largely in the visceral areas of expressive movement, and the use of color, sound and cutting, that convey or resonate emotions in non-literal, purely intuitive ways. He let himself be guided by his emotions as much as by his intellect. These are the things that make movies powerful, and unique from books (or even comic books), but they are almost impossible for critics or historians to describe in words. As a consequence, these achievements that Clampett excelled in are almost never written about, while the works of Chuck and Friz are easy to describe and to praise. This, then, has left Clampett relatively defenseless against Chuck’s smug accusations that “Clampett was an irresponsible renegade who never followed the rules.” Frankly, the “rules” are for beginners. =

[That's the end of the article, but you might be interested in a couple of captions Milt wrote for the final five pictures. Check them out below].









CAPTIONS:

About the pictures of Porky and the cats on the doorstep, Milt writes: "From Kitty Kornered: Clampett anticipates color with color: The open door is yellow, reflecting the warm light inside the house; the closed door is white, reflecting the cold light of the winter snow; but the inbetween door is green -- giving an extra snap to the changes of color."

About the final two pictures where the cat bashes into the closed door, Milt writes: "From Kitty Kornered: Two successive frames within the same scene: As the cat leaps at the door, the background changes perspective for additional impact to our senses."

BOY, I LOVE THIS LANGUAGE!

I've said it before, but it bears repeating...man, when you undertake to speak and write in English, you really are picking up a Strativarius. This language is a fine instrument, arguably just as expressive now as it was in Shakespeare's time. There's a lot of fine modern examples. Here's a few, taken from an internet monologue site. The first is from a TV script written by Stephen Fry (below):


"I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player, who pointed out how lovely I was. Until that time, I think it was safe to say that I'd never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. But his words smote me, because, of course, you see, I am lovely, in a fluffy, moist kind of a way.

I walk, let's be splendid about this, in a lightly-scented cloud of gorgeousness that isn't a far shot from being quite simply terrific. The secret to smooth, almost shiny loveliness, of the order which we are discussing in this simple, frank, creamy-soft way doesn't reside in oils, unduants, balms, ointments, astringments, creams, milks, moisturizers, linaments, lubricants, embracants or bolsoms, to be simply divine for just one noble moment; it resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one's attitude of mind. To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first and then with mounting heat and passion because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it. That's the secret really."

Wow! That's over-the-top gay English raised to the level of fine art! I love lines like, "I walk, let's be splendid about this, in a lightly-scented cloud of gorgeousness, that isn't a far shot from being simply terrific!" Of course a good English sentence doesn't have to be fluff. How about this (below) from "There Will Be Blood"?



Plainview: "Ladies and gentlemen... I've traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it's paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen... if I say I'm an oil man you will agree. You have a great chance here, but bear in mind, you can lose it all if you're not careful. Out of all men that beg for a chance to drill your lots, maybe one in twenty will be oilmen; the rest will be speculators-men trying to get between you and the oilmen-to get some of the money that ought by rights come to you. Even if you find one that has money, and means to drill, he'll maybe known nothing about drilling and he'll have to hire out the job on contract, and then you're depending on a contractor that's trying to rush the job through so he can get another contract just as quick as he can. This is the way this works."

Man: "What is your offer? We're wasting time."

Plainview: "I do my own drilling and the men that work for me, work for me and they are men I know. I make it my business to be there and see to their work. I don't lose my tools in the hole and spend months fishing for them; I don't botch the cementing off and let water in the hole and ruin the whole lease. I'm a family man- I run a family business. This is my son and my partner, H.W. Plainview. We offer you the bond of family that very few oilmen can understand. I'm fixed like no other company in this field and that's because my Coyote Hills well has just come in. I have a string of tools all ready to work. I can load a rig onto trucks and have them here in a week. I have business connections so I can get the lumber for the derrick; such things go by friendship in a rush like this. And this is why I can guarantee to start drilling and put up the cash to back my word. I assure you, whatever the others promise to do, when it comes to the showdown, they won't be there..."

Holy Mackerel!..a plain, blunt style, emphasizing harsh consonants and delivered in a battering ram rhythm! Veeery nice!!!!


Talking about rhythm, what do you think of this passage (below) from "How To Get Ahead in Advertising"? I've already posted the relevant clip from the film elsewhere, but thanks to the monologue site I have a printed transcription this time, and it's revelatory! What do you think?.........


Dennis Dimbleby Bagley: "Let me try and clarify some of this for you. Best Company Supermarkets are not interested in selling wholesome foods, they are not worried about the nation's health. What is concerning them, is that the nation appears to be getting worried about its health, and THAT is what's worrying BestCo, because BestCo wants to go on selling them what it always has, i.e. the white breads, baked beans, canned foods, and that suppurating, fat squirting little heart attack traditionally known as the British sausage. So, how can we help them with that? Clearly, we are looking for a label. We need a label brimming with health, and everything from a nosh pot to a white sliced will wear one with pride. And although I'm aware of the difficulties of coming to terms with this, it must be appreciated from the beginning that even the nosh pot must be low in something, and if it isn't, it must be high in something else, and that is it's health giving ingredient we will sell. Which brings me to my final question: Who are we trying to sell this to? Answer: We are trying to sell this to the archetypal average housewife, she who fills her basket. What you have here is a 22 year old pretty girl - what you need is a taut slob, something on foot deodorizers, in a brassiere." (laughter)

Student: "I'm not quite sure I can go along with that Mr Bagley, I mean if you look at, like, the market research..."

Bagley: "I don't need to look at the market research, I've lived with thirteen and a half million housewives for fifteen years and I know everything about them. She's 37 years old, she has 2.3 children, 1.6 of which will be girls. She uses 16 feet 6 inches of toilet tissue a week, and fucks no more than 4.2 times a month. She has 7 radiators, and is worried about her weight, which is why we have her on a diet. And because we have her on a diet, we also encourage her to reward herself with the little treats, and she deserves them, cause anyone existing on 1200 calories of artificial synthetic orange-flavoured waffle a day, deserves a little treat. We know it's naughty but you do deserve it, go on darling swallow a bun! And she does. And the instant she does, the guilt cuts in. So here we are again with our diet. It's a vicious but quite wonderful circle, and it adheres to only one rule: whatever it is, sell it. And if you want to stay in advertising, by God you'd better learn that!"

Bruce Robinson, the writer of these words, is clearly a genius. Of course, I have to say that this example sounds as gay as the Fry piece. Somehow gays managed to figure out how the language works while everyone else was struggling with it. How did that happen? My guess is that English works best when it's pushed and caricatured. Gays had a playful attitude toward the language and they reaped the benefits.

Here's a link to the YouTube version of the How to Get Ahead scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCxVUsMsWLw

WHICH HAS THE BETTER BACKGROUND STYLING?

I can't stand the backgrounds in most 3D animated comedies. They're too realistic and "airbrushy"...but maybe I'm just hard to please. I'd be curious to see what Theory Corner readers think. Which do you prefer: the background styling in Kung-Fu Panda (above)....


...Wall-E (above)....


...and Horton....


...or the Viewmaster background styling (above and below) from 1961? Come to think of it, which character styling do you prefer? Which conveys the most warmth? The most humor? The most "good-time" feel?







All these pictures stolen with gratitude from Bob Logan's blog.

PETER PAN (PART 1)

Never Never Land: On Captain Hook, grooming himself in front of a mirror.





Pirates (OS): "CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN! HE'S COMING!!!!'

Captain Hook: Ouch!


Captain Hook: "Who's coming? I'm busy!!!"





Pirates: "IT'S PETER PAN!!!!"






Pan (unseen) drops a coconut on Hook's head. SFX (BONK!)


Captain hook: GET THAT KID!!!!! Mangle him!


Captain Hook: "Crush him!!!!"


Captain Hook: "Rip him!!!!!!!


Captain Hook: "P_ U_U_U_ L _ V_E _R _I _Z _E him!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Captain hook: "Huh?"





Captain Hook: "You're Peter Pan's dog, aren't you?"





Captain Hook: "Yeees, I remember now! We kidna...um, invited you here last week. Say, uh...you wouldn't care to lead us to where Pan is hiding, would you?













Captain Hook: (Gasp!)



Captain Hook: "Well, of course you wouldn't! You're not stupid! You're a loyal dog, and you know that if I found him I'd cut his head off!"



Captain Hook: "Quick! Somebody grab a camera! I want my picture taken with the last solid citizen in the world! It's an honor to stand next to a dog like this! An HONOR!!!!!"


Captain Hook: "Well, you can go now. Let yourself out. Gee, it's too bad you won't be here for the pie."













Captain Hook: "Yes pie, but don't let me detain you...."





Captain Hook: "What kind of pie? Oh, I would say a succulent pie..."





Captain Hook: "Maybe a fragrant pie. Yes, definitely a fragrant pie."






Captain Hook: "Mmmm! And a juicy, fruity pie. Definitely that!"











Captain Hook: "OK, but just a slice!"



CONTINUED IN PART TWO............

PETER PAN / DOG PIE (PART 2)

Captain Hook: "So whaddaya say? How about some tasty goodness?"








Captain Hook: "No, no...wait!"


Captain Hook: "You don't think I'd give a friend an inferior pie, do you?"


Captain Hook: "I mean apple, cherry and custard are fine. You could argue that blueberry blackberry and lemon are sublime! Fine pies, all, but..."


Captain Hook: "...the real gourmet requires something better, something... mmmm... something more poetic, and refined... something more like......."


Captain Hook: "DOG PIE!!!!!"



(SFX) DOING!


Captain Hook (singing): "Dog Piiiie!!! A canine treat that will never fade,/ Just don't ask how it was made!"



Captain Hook (singing): "Dog Piiie!!! Carefull not to get it on your scarf,/ Nothing like a pastry that says 'Arf!' "




Captain Hook (singing): "Of course this sets us all to grieving,/ Because a dear friend must be leaving!"


Captain Hook (singing): "Though perhaps if he were nice,/ We wouldn't need this sacrifice!"


Captain Hook (singing): "Dog Piiiiie!!! Delicious gift from above,/ It's just full of doggy love."


Captain Hook (singing): "One regrets to be expedient,/ When one's friend is the main ingredient!"




Captain Hook (singing): "A little word or two,/ And we could instead have carrot stew."


Captain Hook (an aside, not singing): "Gee, that wasn't a very good last line, was it? I think it's the effect of that last pie. I've been picking flea collar out of my teeth all week!"



Captain Hook: "Well, c'est la vie!"


Captain Hook: "So how's about it!? Do we take a little trip!!!!???"



TO BE CONTINUED.....