Thursday, April 02, 2009

I JUST SAW "TWILIGHT"


I've just seen "Twilight" and I can't find the words to describe it. This isn't just a chick flick, it's the ultimate chick flick, the one that all other chick flicks will be compared to down the endless corridors of girly time. This is the film that proves beyond challenge that women really are a different species than men.



The whole film is Robert Pattinson giving Kristen Stewart "THE LOOK." Whenever Pattinson isn't staring at Stewart, he's staring into the camera, giving us THE LOOK too. The film is relentlessly hard selling Pattinson. The most egotistical actor in the world couldn't wish for more close-ups.




Men, you have to see this film. If you don't you'll never understand women. This is the full-strength version of what films like 'The Piano" only hinted at. THIS is what women want: red-lipped, gay-looking, emo-handsome men who are intensely...I mean intensely, I mean intensely to the exclusion of all else...intensely interested in their chosen woman. Women want the right man to give them THE LOOK! If you give them THE LOOK they'll murder their husbands for you and sell their children into slavery. They're junkies...they simply must have THE LOOK, regardless of the consequences!


If you're a guy don't expect to understand what women see in Pattinson. Only women understand it. If you don't look like this (above) then you're simply the flesh and bones your woman was forced to settle for because God didn't make enough Pattinsons.

About the best the rest of us men can do is to see the film, practice THE LOOK, then wait for a stormy night when, silhoutted by lightning, you can kick open your girl's bedroom door, with excrutiating slowness walk toward the bed where the girl is emitting little squeals of frightened passion to the tune of imagined jungle drums...ratchet down and press your forehead to hers...look deep into her eyes...and deliver...and deliver...and...and...well... you know what.



Here's the way Pattinson looks in real life. He's just a guy.

44 comments:

Jorge Garrido said...

Robert Pattinson is the biggest faggot on the planet. He's so gay he's straight. And he looks like he's missing a chromosome.

This post was hilarious, though, and yielded more value than anything these books have to offer. Also, Kristen Stewart is an unappealing cold fish of an actress.

Lester Hunt said...

Eddie,

Are you sure all women are like that? This doesn't sound at all like the kind of movie my wife would like.

Kathryn Lantz said...

Loved this post! But i hope not all women are clumped together into loving twilight, cause i for one flippin hated it. Yes, i loved the books, but the movie sucked big time. Red lipped emo looking gay men deffinately have never been on my "attracted to" list. I like a *real* man please! lol

Niki said...

A whole hen house of girl chickens I know hated it. apparently Kristen Stewart is a freakish mutant woman.

Rick Roberts said...

I never bothered with Twilight. They don't look like Vampires, they just pale kids with super powers.

You also brought up another subject, the "look". Today's pretty leading men saditically stare into something and that is suppose to be there off screen or camera. They just look aimlessly.


Jorge: No, Jude Law is.

Rick Roberts said...

Lester:

This is a film for teenage girls. They really don't want much at that point their lives.

pappy d said...

Hollywood just doesn't write good roles for men any more. It's so demeaning! Earth to girls: here in the real world, metaphorical sex is no sex at all! You know, there's more to a man than just fangs & a smouldering gaze.

(sigh)

You just don't get it.

Seriously though, I've been hearing from some religious guys at work who feel baffled & helpless because their wives & daughters are so into the books.

Trevor Thompson said...

In his own way, Jorge has pointed out the obvious: teenage girls want what they can't have... a faggot.

Basically, if these guys were all over the schools these prostitots are enrolled in, they'd be praying to the gods for someone like Steve-O or any of the UFC guys to throw them up against a wall and treat them like human gloves.

In their teens, girls are wishy-washy. Then they grow up, decide what they want, never deviate in the slightest from it and then get super-depressed thinking they'll never find Mr. Perfect.

Teenage girls never know what they want. That's why I stopped dating them last year.

- trevor.

Josh "Just What the Doctor Ordered" Heisie said...

Sheesh. Who suckered you into watching it?

I may be a dateless wonder, but I can't stoop so low as looking like a swishy vampire to get chicks.

Kali Fontecchio said...

I think he's ugly, but I have specific taste.

This part was hilarious, "wait for a stormy night when, silhoutted by lightning, you can kick open your girl's bedroom door, with excrutiating slowness walk toward the bed where the girl is emitting little squeals of frightened passion to the tune of imagined jungle drums...ratchet down and press your forehead to hers...look deep into her eyes...and deliver...and deliver...and...and...well... you know what."

You really had me on the edge of my seat!!!


Ever since that Vampire class at Otis, I'm beyond sick of vamps.

Patrick McMicheal said...

Awesome Post Eddie!!! You are are real craftsman with words!
I just saw that movie last week and I have to say, They were very WISE to cast such an average, boring looking girl for this role! It was also wise to have many non-vampire guys asking her to the prom! (feeding that fantasy of being highly desired).
The only way I would serve-up the LOOK to her is if she had a Triple layer, bacon cheeseburger strapped to her face! ( with fries).

I.D.R.C. said...

Thanks for the warning. I think Rick is right. I dunno who could sit through that who is not a teenager. Maybe it's only for teenage girls who wish a "cool" boy would look at them. Apparently a huge market. I pretty much don't see any movie with leads that young unless they get eaten.

Kris said...

I'm a female and I think the movie AND the books are insipid and hilarious. (Note: I actually got so drunk watching the movie that I couldn't finish it, so keep in mind that it may have been much less hilarious than I thought. If that is the case, though, it is just boring.)

I know why it appeals to some women, though. Let me explain. The male lead (let's call him Vampire James Dean) is not just appealing because he's a hot guy--he's a hot guy who is vaguely dangerous (because vampire) but not actually threatening, physically, sexually, or otherwise. These stories contain little to no actual conflict. The lead female is a Mary Sue--a superficially "flawed" person whom everyone else in the story just happens to be in love with--with no personality (easy for the reader to project herself into).

It is a fantasy of being desired by "dangerous"-seeming men without actually being in danger of being hurt or pressured into sex (common predicament for virgin teenage girls in relationships). The fantasy has little to do with the actor Robert Pattinson himself, aside from the fact that he was cast as this character designed to be the "perfect man" for teenage girls and childish women.

Colter said...

My wife loved the books, but hated the movie.

Somehow translating vampires that sparkle in the sun from the books to the big screen didn't work right for her.

She also thinks Robert Pattinson is ugly. I'm glad because if she thought he was attractive I'd probably start wearing all black and mope around outside of Hot Topic.

Karim said...

Hi Eddie,

Check this "deleted" scene from Twilight...

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1904237

Pattinson would succeed no matter what.

Adam T said...

THIS is what women want: red-lipped, gay-looking, emo-handsome men who are intensely...I mean intensely, I mean intensely to the exclusion of all else...intensely interested in their chosen woman.

I don't feel any pressure to start wearing eye makeup or start putting mousse in my hair to compete with guys like this. In fact they do us the favor of taking insecure and dumb women who would make us normal men crazy trying to live in a ridiculous fantasy out of the dating pool. So a big thank you to the men like Pattinson who are willing to fall on those grenades.

Ken Mitchroney said...

While i was up in Portland working at Laika studios. "Twilight" was shooting in the warehouse across the street. Who Knew?

Jenny said...

Ha ha! Why Eddie, you're jealous!

Jenny again said...

pappy d, the Twilight author is religious, as a matter of fact(not positive of her beliefs-mormon, perhaps). From what I'm told-I haven't read them myself-the vampiric YA romance is pretty chaste though it acknowledges s-e-x. I think the couple get married in the 3rd book--no premarital for these kids.
There's just a female fascination with vampires. I got a kick out of a couple of episodes of "True Blood" on HBO. What can one say?

Anonymous said...

Teenagers may think "Twilight" the ultimate chick flick but for slightly older women it's "The Age of Innocence", Martin Scorcese's great lapse of sanity from 1993. Scorcese tried making a very long film with no action or externalized conflict and succeeded. If ever a movie could use a psychotic blast of Joe Pesci, it is this inert display.

Julian said...

Patterson looks a far more handsome in real life without out all that shitty make up. Why is the junky look so appealing to some people?

lastangelman said...

I dunno, the teenagers in the theater fell for that shtick, but the adults in our party were bored, baffled and unconvinced. We had met the actor weeks earlier at a bookstore, nice enough fellow, but reeked horribly of B.O. AND I'M TALKING ABOUT NOT HITTING THE SHOWER FOR A FORTNIGHT B.O., whoooaaaa nelly. We saw the flick at the dollar movie on half price Tuesdays. We still want our two quarters back each and the cash equivalent for the gas spent traveling there and back.

david gemmill said...

You can still give the LOOK if you're ugly. and the LOOK holds a different meaning if you're ugly. It's normally a look of soul-piercing that makes the girl feel totally helpless like puddy in your hands, not because it's saying you love her, but it's more like disrobing her entire persona and exposing her for the weak fragile animal she really is.

i've tried this a couple of times. it works.

I think i enjoy being haggard and ugly over a lame-ass pretty boy. pretty boys can keep their skinny anorexic hipster girlfriends.

i'll settle for the girls who look like women, who have tits, hips, ass and thighs, and thin waists and no cankles.

even paul newman, who was technically a 'pretty boy' In comparison to the other manlier actors of his time, was still a rugged mofo.

Unfortunately we live in a time where pussies can thrive, and there are no more MEN, except old dads and blue collar humble workers (not dumb-ass guidos from jersey). Men are getting botox and plastic surgery to stay younger looking, dying the gray out of the hair. what kind of MAN is afraid of aging? Why did all the great men of the past embrace it. Why was it that it wasn't until you were past 36, that you were entering your MANHOOD. Times have changed, and it's pretty depressing.

A real man isn't afraid of gray hair or wrinkles. Also a real man isn't some androgynous looking pretty boy.

Jorge Garrido said...

Ha ha, I can recognize that posting style anywhere, Anonymous who posted about The Age of Innocence!

gracesix said...

As soon as I read "I've just seen 'Twilight'" all I could think was SORRY.

Corey said...

Eddie this post had me rolling. My fiance loves this series & bought the DVD.

I really really really don't want to watch it but I think I may have to at some point.

David nailed it:
"Men are getting botox and plastic surgery to stay younger looking, dying the gray out of the hair. what kind of MAN is afraid of aging? Why did all the great men of the past embrace it. Why was it that it wasn't until you were past 36, that you were entering your MANHOOD. Times have changed, and it's pretty depressing."

Anonymous said...

For the most part, classic male movie stars didn't indulge in 'work' on their faces. One exception: Gary Cooper DID get a facelift in the mid to late 1950s, with his hair dyed a soft brown. He was dead by 1962, that latent homo Richard Schickel pissing on his grave in his obit for SHOW magazine.

M. R Darbyshire said...

Hey Eddie, off-topic. Thought you'd be interested in seeing this weirdo furniture:

Todd Merrill Antiques

Here's one of the worst:
Jack Rodgers Hopkins Chair

Niki said...

Somebody said manhood!? And David Gemill said They were pussies? The Twilight kids are beyond pussies! Trannys are manlier! I'm a pussy but if the time comes I'll man up!

miss 3awashi thani said...

gosh , i never read the book but i HATED the movie, i just went cuz my sister is a fan.
i don't see the appeal in these modern whiney vampires, now dracula, HE was cool he could walk sideways on walls and didn't sparkle, THAT'S sexy.

Sean Worsham said...

HAHAHAHAHHAAHHA. It doesn't work, I have a naturally intense stare and it just seems to scare women. It just emphasizes what studios and fashion designers think what women want.

Honestly every woman's tastes are different. It seems like only the emo goths want this type. Then again it worked once for me as an emo woman showed me her cuts in her arm to show her pain to me after looking at my face (this was when I was 10 times uglier, harier and weighed 300lbs).

Oh and Kristen Stewart is overrated too.

J. Garibaldi said...

Maybe at the ripe ol' age of 23 I've lost track of fashion trends...but is that guy wearing his belt sideways??

J. J. Hunsecker said...

There never were any "manly" men in the USA (except for the natives who were erroneously called "Indians"). It was all a myth. Look at the men who created this country, for cryin' out loud! They wore wigs, frilly shirts, and patent leather shoes with HUGE buckles. Look at General Custer, with his long girlish hair! J. Edgar Hoover was a cross-dresser, and as queer as a 3 dollar bill. Elvis Presley was a mamma's boy. John Wayne's real name was the fey sounding Marion Morrison. (And his drawl was an affectation.) Manly actor Randolph Scott was rumored to be gay.

It was also your plain average unmanly Joes that defeated Fascism in the 40's, not the rugged men of children's fantasies.

Also, men who call other men faggots are usually closeted homosexuals themselves.

M. R Darbyshire said...

Hunsecker-

Daniel Plainview.

Nate said...

aaahahaahahahahahhhahaha!!! hilarious, eddie.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Hunsecker: Hoover wasn't a cross-dresser. Truman Capote spread that story and he admitted on TV that it was a total fabrication. A recent biography by an author who was no friend to Hoover goes into more detail about how the story started, and quotes from the TV show and other sources. a few weeks ago The History Channel did a hostile biography of Hoover where they said the cross-dressing thing was completely made up.

Darby: A bizarre chair!

Kris: Sounds like a good explanation!

Jenny: Of course I'm jealous! Pattison is hogging the world's women...well, a lot of them anyway.

Rick Roberts said...

Well thanks for clearing up the Hoover cross dressing Conspiracy Eddie. I always heard rumors about that.

Jorge Garrido said...

Yeah, that's it, J.J., items are clothing, length of your hair and sexual preferences are what determine manliness, not behaviour, or standing up for what you believe in or stupid shit like that... /s/s/s/s/s/s/s

Randolph Scott and Montgomery Clift might have been gay but they were still manlier than most men today and they could still kick your ass.

David's the one who got it right.

Rick Roberts said...

Today I'd say we have some great manly men actors. Daniel Craig, Hugh Jackman, and Josh Brolin just to name a few.

Freckled Derelict said...

Great post Eddie but I think "The Look" works either way for example Rita Hayworth in Gilda gives many a man the look and withers them to a lusting jelly. I personally prefer Robert Mitchums look to any modern teen idols sad attempt. Burt Lancasters in Sweet Smell of Success is also unstoppable but thats a different type of look. I think the main demographic for this movie are teen and pre-teen girls and bored soccer moms. Lumping all women in this category aint no dang good.

Anonymous said...

pattinson almost has bigger boobs than stewart on that IW cover shoot.

Anonymous said...

pattinson almost has bigger boobs than stewart on that IW cover shoot.

Thïrd World Man said...

A more on the spot review of this cliterbation material can be found here: http://lathersblather.blogspot.com/2009/01/lathers-blather-special-02-twilights.html

Long days and pleasant nights.

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