Thursday, November 26, 2009

I CAN'T FIND MY KEYS


EXT. THEORY MANSION:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "(Cry of anguish) Aaaaagh! I can't find my keys! I have to be somewhere and I can't find my keys!"



INT. THEORY MANSION:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Tracy, you're my secretary...do you know where my keys are?"

TRACY: "Sorry Uncle Eddie, I haven't seen them. Have you tried the living room?"



INT. LIVING ROOM:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Florence! Have you seen my keys?"

FLORENCE: "Keys? Hmmm...no keys around here. Maybe they slipped into a crack in one of the sofas."


BAMBINA: "I just looked. Nothing in this sofa."



YVETTE: "Nothing here either, Uncle Eddie! Have you tried the kitchen?"



ON THE WAY TO THE KITCHEN:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Hi, Weirdina. Have you seen my keys?"

WEIRDINA: "Sorry Uncle Eddie, I can't think about that now! I'm writing a poem. It's about famine and pestilence and man's inhumanity to man!"

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Oh, uh...right. Sorry I interrupted."



INT. KITCHEN:

UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Penelope...do you know anything about my keys?"

PENELOPE: "Keys? Mmmmm, no. No keys here."



CHARLOTTE: "They're not up here either, Uncle Eddie."



PENELOPE: "I don't see anything down here."



UNCLE EDDIE (VO): 'Monica, have you..."

MONICA: "Nope, sorry. Ask Tracine."



ON THE BALCONY:

TRACINE: "Maybe you left them in the car. (Then, shouting down to the street) MINERVA! SEE IF UNCLE EDDIE'S KEYS ARE IN HIS CAR!"



ON THE STREET:

MINERVA: 'Keys? Okay!"


MINERVA: "Hmmmm, let's see...keys, keys, keys...hello, what's that?"



MINERVA (VO): "...They're here! I FOUND THEM!"



MINERVA (VO): Hi, little boy! Will you take these keys and give them to Uncle Eddie inside the house?


UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Oh, thanks, kid! Tell, you what...go downstairs and tell the chef I said he should make you any kind of sandwich you like. Tell him to put lots of paper parasols and little plastic swords in it. Come to think of it, I'll go with you. I'll just get my jacket and...

...hey wait a minute! Where's my jacket!? TRAAAAACYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!"






15 comments:

Jorge Garrido said...

GEEZ, this was funny! I love the picture of Lady Gaga as "Weirdina!"

Michael Sporn said...

With such a large staff your payroll must be enormous. But I guess if you can afford a mansion you have to have a staff.

talkingtj said...

youre so bad!

Jenny Lerew said...

...and then, he woke up.

robward said...

I'm glad it's not just me who has these problems.

Lester Hunt said...

My problem items: keys, cellphone, remote, wallet, and, on rare occasions, an item I am already wearing!

Anonymous said...

All these staff members come in handy when you're in the shower and drop the soap.

Anonymous said...

You should do a post on vintage gentlemens magazines
http://mkupperman2.wordpress.com/more-of-the-whatsisname-collection/

http://mkupperman2.wordpress.com/magazines-the-whatsisname-collection/

Anonymous said...

Actually do you know of any websites where you can browse through entire vintage mens mags like these
http://www.stagmags.com/A-to-B/Ace/imagepages/image20.php

All I can find are sites that collect all the covers

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: Wow! Thanks for the Interesting links! I wish I did know how to find what you're talking about, but unfortunately I'm more in the dark than you are.

What i like about those old mens magazines is the same thing that I used to like about the packaging of old board games, erector sets, and old kids chemistry sets. All these media did a good job at creating a world and a mood in a small space. Graphics can catch fire under the right circumstances.

Usually graphics are time-related, and age quickly, so a generation later nobody can figure out why the people in the past were so moved by it . Occassionally though, something is so well done, that it's always fresh, and has almost the same impact decades later that it did when it was new. These old magazines are a good example of that.

Jorge: I had to look up Lady Gaga, and I'm glad I did. I like singers who also perform. Thanks!

Trevor Thompson said...

This was a pleasant read! Any chance there'll be any open house parties at the Theory Corner Mansion?

Also, this story isn't at all inspired by the time you accidentally pocketed Bakshi's keys, is it? Both are great stories, even if only one of them is real.

Vincent Waller said...

That was a lovely search and rescue mission.
When I've lost something I've found the quickest way to find it, is to wrongly accuse someone of stealing it.
It even works when you pre-warn them. "I apologize in advance I know you didn't take them but,.....(the louder the better) Why did you steal my keys?! " Withing five minutes you'll find whatever item has been missing.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Vincent: About two years ago I did a blog about your theory, i.e., you'll never find a lost item unless you first accuse an innocent person of stealing it. I regard it as a immutable law of the universe.

Jorge Garrido said...

Lady Gaga is weird and annoying. I thought you know who she was and was making fun of her by calling her Weirdina.

pappy d said...

Eddie knows: The older you get, the more women you need to help you find stuff.

It was especially nice to meet your kitchen staff. Cheesecake in the kitchen is deliciously un-PC.