Sunday, November 22, 2009

DINNER WITH "THE MIRACLE WORKER"


EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION.

SON (VO): "Meanin' no disrespect Father, but Helen's deaf and blind. Maybe you expect too much of her."


THE COLONEL: "Tarnation! What makes you think I expect too much? I let her eat off my plate don't I? I simply said she'd benefit from some table manners!"



THE COLONEL (CONT): "Bless her li'l heart! It's not her fault that she's filthy and disgusting, and possibly evil. She needs some tender, lovin' care."



THE COLONEL (CONT): "That's why I hired The Miracle Worker!"



ON THE MIRACLE WORKER: She's doing some serious chowing down. She pauses to wave when she hears her name, then resumes eating.

FATHER (VO) (CONT): "She's a Yankee gal, but she knows that finger talk."



FATHER (VO) (CONT): "Maybe she can do some good."



SON: "But Father, maybe we don't need The Miracle Worker. Maybe Helen's never going to be better than she is right now."



SON (VO) (CONT): "Look at her. She spontaneously eats the food of others. She's a true child of nature."



SON (VO): "Maybe she's better off not knowin' the rules of man."



SON (VO) (CONT): "I envy her her. She lives in a simple world of gentleness and calm..."



SON (VO) (CONT): "...a gossamar, wispy world where the only emotions felt are those of happiness and love."







SFX: FWAP!!!!!































SFX: WHACK!!!!! She hits Helen with the spoon!















SFX: WHACK!!!!!!!!!


SFX: CRU-U-UNCH!!!! She bites Helen!











SFX: CLOOOONG!!!!!!!!! Helen hits The Miracle Worker with a baseball bat!



THE MIRACLE WORKER: (ROARS)



COLONEL: "MISS MIRACLE WORKER! I INSIST...I say I INSIST that you STOP this instant, before someone gets hurt!! Helen, you come outside with me! Poor child! You must be a bundle of nerves!"



EXT. OUTSIDE ON THE LAWN:

THE COLONEL: "Oh my Gosh! Look at this! She can hear and see! It's a miracle! The Miracle Worker has done it again!



















THE END


17 comments:

Craig said...

FUNNY. Very SOUPY SALES with the extra hand (maybe put it in a different color sleeve next time.)
HaPpY ThAnKsGiBbOnS, Eddie!

talkingtj said...

i cant believe youre making fun of sainted old helen keller..and its a riot! its about time! so many actresses revere this part as if its some sort of acid test for actors! too bad you went into animation first! you are a true descendant of chaplin, lloyd, keaton and the rest! LOL INDEED!

Amanda H. said...

Hey, Eddie, I was wondering how you come up with these...I don't even know what you would call 'em, "photographic skit collages". Do you sort of plan them ahead of time or are they spur of the moment? I ask because I knew someone who did something like that with pictures of her Beatles figurines and she made up a little story with pictures she had already taken of them.

RooniMan said...

Now thats a miracle!

(I would do the same thing to someone like that.)

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Craig, Roon, Talking: Many thanks!

Amanda: Usually I just start if I have an idea for the beginning, and just have faith that an ending will come.

In this case I wanted to play the blind girl, but it took so long to set everything up that I discovered I only had room for the teacher.

Niki said...

I loved that! it was hilarious!

Joel Brinkerhoff said...

Man, yer a nut, but wasn't Patty Duke cute back then?

Anonymous said...

The proof that Helen was cured is that she grew up to marry Gomez Addams.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: Gomez Adams? From "The Adams Family?" You're kidding, right?

Anonymous said...

That's right! She married John Astin! their son is Sean Astin, the hobbit!

PS Hilarious! I love Patty Duke!

Cynthia

Anonymous said...

I like this one, too:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ndTJhz1qMRw

Jennifer said...

Hilarious! The ending was priceless.

Craig's right - very Soupy Sales. Now all you have to do is tell the little kiddies at home to go in their parents' wallets and send you the little green pieces of paper.

Lester Hunt said...

Yours is the only blog that makes me laugh out loud, Eddie!

Craig said...

Hey Jennifer,
Your wish is my demand! But it will cost you green pieces of paper with pictures of men with beards!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-OGy3Kh7yM

Brubaker said...

Hey Eddie,

I just saw the comment you left on John's blog about Glen Kennedy. Think you could do a whole post on Glen?

Would you believe me if I tell you that Kennedy's studio is still around? ('tho not used much lately)

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: A hilarious SCTV video! Thanks!

Craig, Jennifer: Good to hear soupy's version of that!

Cynthia: Sean Astin!? Son of a Gun!

Brubaker: A very good idea! Glen deserves it! I'm glad his studio is still going.

Amanda H. said...

Oh wow, thanks Eddie!