MY FAMILY REUNION

EXT. UNCLE EDDIE'S HOUSE:

EDDIE: "Hey, it's me!!! We're having a family reunion at my house and you're invited! Just get in line and c'mon in!!!!!!" 

EDDIE GREETS EVERYBODY AT THE DOOR: 

EDDIE: "Aunt Matilda! How are you!!?? Uncle Fred! Long time, no see!!!, etc."

INSIDE:

EDDIE (VO): "Hey, what can I get you guys? Coke? Coffee? Tea? Juice? Water?"

AUNT MATILDA: "I'll have coconut water with radish blush sweetened with agave nectar. It must be no-carb, gluten-free, non-dairy and wafted with acai fumes and currant mist...the kind that comes in the peasant-woven basket." 

EDDIE (VO): Well gee Aunt Matilda, I don't know if I....." 

COUSIN LENNIE: "Hey, I found the liquor cabinet! Wahoooo!!!!!!"

EDDIE (VO) (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT): "Hey everybody, look! It's Cousin Violet's new baby!!!!"

CROWD: "Awwwww! Isn't he adorable!?"

COUSIN PERCY: "And here's my new addition!"

CROWD: "Aaaaawwww!!!!!!!! Look at her! She's sooooo cute!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "Hey, get some pictures of my dog, Cuddles!"

CROWD: Nice dog, Cousin Rochester! He's so friendly!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "Yeah, go ahead and pet him! He loves people!"

INSIDE, LATER:

EDDIE: "Cousin Daisy, how's that kleptomania therapy coming along?"

COUSIN DAISY: "Er, uh....fine Eddie, just fine." 

ON PEOPLE LINED UP FOR THE BATHROOM:

COUSIN IRIS: "Cousin Gladys! Are you taking root in there?"

EDDIE: "COUSIN CHARLIE! COUSIN LUKE! What are you fighting about? Maybe you've had too much to drink!"

COUSIN CHARLIE: "We're not fighting, we're jush fooling around."

COUSIN LUKE: "Yeah. Don't take it sho seriously!"

5 MINUTES LATER: THE FAKE FIGHT HAS ERUPTED INTO A RIOT.

COUSIN CHARLIE: "You X#%@X#! I'll rip your face off!!!!

COUSIN LUKE: "Not before I tear out your jugular, moron!!!"

COUSIN JAKE: "'Pool's ready! Last one in is a rotten egg!"

SPLASH! SPLASH! EVERYBODY JUMPS IN.

EVERYBODY: "Hey, watch it, that's my foot." "Oh my Gawd! Is that an eye on my elbow?"

EDDIE : "Dinner's ready!"

CROWD: CHOMP! CHOMP! KARUMP! CHOMP! BITE! GNAW!

CROWD: "CHAW! MANGLE! STUFF! CRUNCH! 

LATER THAT NIGHT: (HUGE SNORES ALL OVER THE HOUSE).

(HUGE SNORES CONTINUE)

EARLY NEXT MORNING:

EDDIE: "AUNT MATILDA!!!!! Is that.....you!?"

LATER:

EVERYBODY: "Well, that's it Cousin Eddie! We gotta go! See ya next year!"

EDDIE: "See ya guys! Gee, I'm gonna miss you!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "C'mon! C'mon! Stop dragging!"

COUSIN JIMMY (ROCHESTER'S SON): "I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "Okay, we're all packed! Hey, wait a minute. Where's Cuddles?"

EDDIE: "(Screams) HELP!!! HELP!!!!!!!!"

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