CREEPY PORTRAITS

I love family portraits, especially those of evil, deceased matriarchs or patriarchs who continue to inspire fear in the family they left behind. 

Of particular interest are the ones who left a will that constrains the family to live in a gloomy, joyless old house for the rest of their lives. 

Maybe their portraits contain the clues needed to discover a hidden treasure, buried somewhere in the house. 

Poor Aunt Matilda: she greedily stared at her father's portrait for years, hoping to discover its secret. Some say that's how she acquired her father's deviant personality. Others say she went mad. 

A death mask (above) was left behind. The terms of the will required it to hang on the wall overlooking the dinner table.

A greedy relative (above) and her worthless husband once stayed in the house for a summer while they tore apart walls looking for the money. Matilda won't say what happened to them.

Yikes! I'm scaring myself! I think I'll change the subject. Let me lighten things up with this cheery picture (above) of Sadie Hawkins, drawn by Al Capp.

Hmmmm. I wonder what Matilda would have thought of Sadie Hawkins...no wait, I said I'd change the subject.

Okay, I'm leaving now. Bye!

EATING BREAKFAST

In artist families a sketch war can break out without warning, at any time. Here (above), on a normal day, on a normal morning,  my wife puts outs out breakfast cereal for my daughter and me, and I, as I often do,  pick up my sketchbook to record it.

 Little did I know that this day would be different because my daughter...who hates to be drawn...has decided to take a stand and fight back.

She eats her food in the most gross way possible, no doubt hoping that'll deter me from drawing her.

She peels off the crusts from her bread (something every parent hates to see for some reason), nibbles her bread into patterns, and taps out a song on her cereal bowl. 

   

All this drives my wife nuts and she makes small talk to cover up her anxiety. She's dying to say "YOUNG LADY! That's NOT the way we eat a meal at the breakfast table!!!!," but she restrains herself because I'm nudging her under the table, begging her to let my daughter go, so I can draw it. 

My kid takes full advantage, knowing how uncomfortable we are are. She rolls  her bread into a baseball and crams it into her mouth.  She masticates it, gorilla-style. My wife is appalled.

Finally my kid ends it all by putting up a wall of breakfast cereal around herself. Well, that's it. You can't draw what you can't see.

FROM MY FAMILY SCRAPBOOK

Here's a few pictures of family and friends but I can't identify anyone because I don't think they'd want me to. That's me above, together with an acrylic portrait done by a friend I haven't seen in ages. Haw! I had to crop the photo because he gave the painting a gut the size of a wrecking ball.

When my family visits we usually go to an art museum.

BTW: Isn't Photoshop amazing? That yellow face on the left of the museum photo was facing forward when I found it on the net and I used Photoshop to warp it into a profile.

I'm dying to name names, but I'd better not.

My Captain Hook mask feels like family, thus it has a place in the family file. It's sadly decaying now. I had to put on glasses to cover up chipping in the eyes.

Here's (above) me with a friend of a friend. I don't know this person very well but if you're a female in a bikini and your arm is around me then you definitely rate a place in my scrapbook.

Here's (above) an illustration for a book about horses by a namesake. Gee, my namesake wasn't very good at spacing his letters.

When I first met John this (above) was his favorite pizza restaurant. I think he just liked the menu cover, which I have to admit was a work of art. I offered to buy it and the owner gave it to me for nothing. I think I'll frame it.

That restaurant also sticks in my mind because it was filled to the gills with plastic fruit and artificial vines with bar-code labels. All the vines stood straight up because the owner regarded them as so beautiful when new that he couldn't bring himself to bend them.

By the way: congrats to all the graduates out there! You made it!!!!!!! For you I reprise "Gaudeamus Igitor" from YouTube. It's the traditional academic anthem from medieval Europe. Youtube has other translated versions but I think you'll especially appreciate this one. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS

I have a comfortable little house (above) in the suburbs and all my kids were raised here.

It has the usual amenities: books, TV, etc., etc.

And a well-stocked refrigerator; you gotta have that.

Yes, all in all it's been a good life.

That's why I can't understand what my grown-up kid told me over dinner last night. He said he needed a place to stay for a few months but that he didn't want to live here. I asked why...I mean, the rent here is free, and we like having him around...and he said that he'd never get anything done here. It's way too cozy.

"Too COZY???," I asked. "What's wrong with cozy?" Everything, he said. Everything here is soft and cushy and mushy and quiet...you could spend years here without being aware that time had passed. A house like this could rob you of years of your life.

Yikes! Well, I felt I had to defend the honor of the house so I pushed him to be more specific.

DAD: "Let me see if I understand. You're saying you're suffocating here. The house is dulling your mind."

KID: "Well, yeah, sort of. I don't want to exaggerate."

DAD: "Hmmmm. Come to think of it, when you were a baby you were always trying to escape."

KID: "Well, sure. Freedom. Everybody wants that!"

DAD: "So with ferocious hounds at your feet you escaped the clutches of the evil parents."

KID: "You're taking it all wrong."

DAD: "No, I get it...If you were here you'd be in quicksand. It's a slow death where the mud and the grass fill your lungs (Cough! Cough!) and you can't breathe anymore. That's it, right?

KID: Well....I didn't mean to imply....

DAD: But it's like that, right!? Like the Sargasso Sea???"

KID: "The Sargasso Sea!!!?? What's that got to do with anything?"

DAD: "The Sargasso Sea...a timeless, smelly, weatherless morass of rotting ships mired in decaying seaweed. A sailor caught in that is never seen again. That's what you think this house is like!"

KID: "Not exactly. Look, I don't want to offend. Maybe it's your collection of cats!"

DAD: "Huh? What cats? I don't have any cats!!!"

KID: "Ah, but it's as if you had cats, even if you don't! And your false teeth..."

DAD: "What are you babbling about!!!!??? I don't have false teeth!!!"

KID: "Ah, but it's as if..."

DAD: "I know, I know. It's as if I had false teeth."

KID: "Look, suppose I lived here and I wanted to bring a girl over? I can't do that with you here!"

DAD: "Why not? I wouldn't bother you...oh, wait a minute..."

DAD: "Now I get it! You want make your room into a HIPPIE LOVE NEST! Why didn't you say so? Hey, that's all right with me. I'm a guy myself. You can talk to me about things like that."

KID: "Yuuuuch! Nobody wants to talk to their Dad about sex! "

DAD: "Oh, yeah...right. Well...talk to your Mom about it then."

KID: "Yikes! That's disgusting! Dad, you're not getting what I'm saying."

KID: "I want to take risks! I want to take big risks without carrying a packed lunch and an extra sweater in case the weather turns bad."

KID: "I want to meet the people from the right side of the tracks and from the wrong side of the tracks."

KID: "I want to eat at the finest restaurants..."

KID "...and when my survival depends on it, I want to eat dirty scorpions from the Kalahari Desert."

DAD (REALIZING HE'S BEATEN): "Okay, all this talk is making me hungry. Let's see...I don't have any dirty scorpions..."

DAD: "...but I do have this half-eaten Doritos!"

KID: "Excellent! Let's eat!"