LIFE IN A SMALL TOWN

"Hi! Uncle Eddie here! I'm a city boy and I'll be moving to a small town soon. I've never lived in a small town so I'm reading all I can about that kind of place, so I'll know what to expect. The book I'm reading now is called "Peydon Place." Here's an excerpt:

EDDIE (READING): "The plain, small, average town of Peydon Place reclined like a hot, passionate woman in the late morning sun."

"On Maple Street the Kensing house stood naked to the sunshine. From its rosy red shingles to its well-rounded roof, it almost cried to be taken."

"Behind the window shades, which hung like sensuous lids, in her upstairs room, young Alice Kensing finished dressing to go out."

"Past the City Hall she walked, past the cannon, past the pigeons and the statue of Robert E. Lee."

"Yikes! This stuff is kinda' steamy!"

"I always thought small town people were more...well...you know...basic."

"Gee, do you suppose that nowadays they're modern like the rest of us?"

"Naw, small towns are different!"

"The story must have it wrong."

"Even so, you have to wonder."

"Surely small town institutions are no different than they are anywhere else."

"Okay, maybe they're different on weekends."

"Maybe..."

"...I don't know...maybe there's something in the water in small towns, something that gets the juices going."

"Or maybe the pine cones release some sort of caffeine vapor."

"Or..."

"...Or maybe the book was written by a wicked city woman who never set foot in a small town. Who knows?"

I'M MOVING TO A SMALL TOWN

Haw! A reader...probably someone who speaks English as a second language... told me he couldn't understand why I would want to move to a small town. What's so great about sleeping in tiny buildings? "Huh? Tiny buildings???" I had no idea what he was talking about. 

It took a whole minute before I realized that he took the term "small town" literally...as in "miniature." He must have thought I was going to take up residence in a doll's house.

Well, I set him straight and he was much relieved.

I'll have to watch out for misunderstandings like that when I move out of state. For example, where I'm going the local desert of choice is molasses pie.

It sounds gross, but people who live there love the stuff, and they don't like it when outsiders make fun of it. A relative there warned me not to make jokes about it, but I don't know if I can help myself. (Groan!) I hate to think of the consequences if I do.

"Yeah, molasses pie. What's wrong with that?"

"I heard about him. He's the guy from El-Lay! He's too good for what we eat."

"What's the matter? You don't like pie?"

"Uh, well, yes...I, um, I do like pie. I just...well, er..."

"I do believe I'll step outside for a moment."

OUTSIDE: small towns often don't have leash laws.  

'"What the heck? Hey, beat it Pee Wee!"

(Sigh!)

WHAT MOVING WILL BE LIKE

Soon I'll be leaving my nice little home in L.A. Gee, I'll miss it. 

I'll say goodbye to my neighbors....

...and my friends... 

....and my mistress. She's a good egg. She'll land on her feet. When we get where we're going, I'll send her some bon bons and movie magazines.

That's (above) my wife. "Let's go, Honey!"

We'll have a lot of driving to do. This is a big country!

Maybe we'll get a little tourism in along the way. 

Wow! We'll cross the Western frontier! If only the mountains and dried grass could tell stories.

The tales they would tell!

Eventually there'll come a point when we find our new town...

 

...then another where we find our new street...

...then still another, where we find our new house.

  

"Just put the baggage anywhere, Honey!"

My wife will no doubt make a project of fixing up the house. I'll put in a lot of work in, too. I'm scared to death that if she does all the decoration we'll end up with a girly house.

Sheeesh! Can you imagine living in something like that (above)? 

My wife still wants pets. She read a kids book we had around the house and now she entertains the possibility that cats can be cool and urbane. 

Cool and urbane??? A CAT? Even the fluffy ones are crazy and homicidal.  Even one cat (above) can be a pill to take care of...

...and nowadays nobody ever gets just one. 

TO BE CONTINUED.......