AFTER MOVING TO A SMALL TOWN

In LA most of our friends were mine...a terrific bunch of guys and their families that I met as a result of working for decades in the animation industry. Fine lads all of them.

My wife had girl friends, but more often than not we spent time with my male friends. My wife was a farm girl and maybe hanging around all those animals gave her a tolerance for the peculiarities of the male sex.

Sigh. Yes, it was a placid, mens club existence...one of tranquil reflection and serene maleness.

BUT....all that's going to come to an end soon.

Soon we'll be moving to the outback; far, far away from civilization.

Out there scorpions and snakes are the kings.

Where we're going most of our friends will be my wife's friends...mostly girls she went to school with. I don't know what they'll think of me.

And presiding over it all will be (Gulp!)...The Matriarch...my wife's mother...my mother-in-law.

She's a nice person...if you don't cross her.

So, Yikes! No more men's club. No more butler leaving the day's newspaper on my leather chair.  No more automatic male backup if my wife and I disagree.

There'll be only the sound of female boots as an army of Amazons descends. Tromp! Tromp! Tromp!

LIFE IN A SMALL TOWN

"Hi! Uncle Eddie here! I'm a city boy and I'll be moving to a small town soon. I've never lived in a small town so I'm reading all I can about that kind of place, so I'll know what to expect. The book I'm reading now is called "Peydon Place." Here's an excerpt:

EDDIE (READING): "The plain, small, average town of Peydon Place reclined like a hot, passionate woman in the late morning sun."

"On Maple Street the Kensing house stood naked to the sunshine. From its rosy red shingles to its well-rounded roof, it almost cried to be taken."

"Behind the window shades, which hung like sensuous lids, in her upstairs room, young Alice Kensing finished dressing to go out."

"Past the City Hall she walked, past the cannon, past the pigeons and the statue of Robert E. Lee."

"Yikes! This stuff is kinda' steamy!"

"I always thought small town people were more...well...you know...basic."

"Gee, do you suppose that nowadays they're modern like the rest of us?"

"Naw, small towns are different!"

"The story must have it wrong."

"Even so, you have to wonder."

"Surely small town institutions are no different than they are anywhere else."

"Okay, maybe they're different on weekends."

"Maybe..."

"...I don't know...maybe there's something in the water in small towns, something that gets the juices going."

"Or maybe the pine cones release some sort of caffeine vapor."

"Or..."

"...Or maybe the book was written by a wicked city woman who never set foot in a small town. Who knows?"

I'M MOVING TO A SMALL TOWN

Haw! A reader...probably someone who speaks English as a second language... told me he couldn't understand why I would want to move to a small town. What's so great about sleeping in tiny buildings? "Huh? Tiny buildings???" I had no idea what he was talking about. 

It took a whole minute before I realized that he took the term "small town" literally...as in "miniature." He must have thought I was going to take up residence in a doll's house.

Well, I set him straight and he was much relieved.

I'll have to watch out for misunderstandings like that when I move out of state. For example, where I'm going the local desert of choice is molasses pie.

It sounds gross, but people who live there love the stuff, and they don't like it when outsiders make fun of it. A relative there warned me not to make jokes about it, but I don't know if I can help myself. (Groan!) I hate to think of the consequences if I do.

"Yeah, molasses pie. What's wrong with that?"

"I heard about him. He's the guy from El-Lay! He's too good for what we eat."

"What's the matter? You don't like pie?"

"Uh, well, yes...I, um, I do like pie. I just...well, er..."

"I do believe I'll step outside for a moment."

OUTSIDE: small towns often don't have leash laws.  

'"What the heck? Hey, beat it Pee Wee!"

(Sigh!)