EUGENE O'NEILL'S "MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRA"

THEORY CORNER PRESENTS: "MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRA" (CONDENSED):

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION: 1864:

DAN (VO): "Oh, my Gosh! The plantation is just the way I remembered it!"

DAN: "Now I can recuperate from my war wounds surounded by my loving mother and my sister Cathy, and by my stern but lovable father!"

MOTHER: "Cathy, will you get your brother a glass of water?"

CATHY: "Sure, Mom. 'Be right back!"

MOTHER: "Look, we only have a minute til your sister comes back, so I'll be brief. Your father's dead. That's him in lying in the corner. Your sister gave him rat poison so she could inherit his money. She almost got me too, but I figured it out."

DAN: "Father.....dead?"

DAN (VO): "R-r-rat poison???".

MOTHER: "There, there. Mother's here for you. Yes, she killed him. I told you she was no good."

MOTHER: "Um...what are you going to do about it?"

DAN: "Well...I guess I'll have to shoot her. Gee, I bought her a nice gift, too. Maybe I'll shoot her after I give her the gift. I want to see if she likes it."

MOTHER: "GASP! Did you hear that, my poor, dead husband!? He wants to give your killer a gift! What kind of wimpy son does a thing like that!!?????"

CATHY ENTERS THE ROOM WITH A GLASS OF WATER.

CATHY: "Here's the water. Er....anything wrong?"

MOTHER: "No, nothing. I just have a headache, that's all. I'll leave you two alone. Dan has something he wants to, er....talk to you about."

MOTHER LEAVES THE ROOM.

DAN: "You bet I want to talk! I.....mmmmph!!!!!"

CATHY: "Wait! Wait til the door is completely closed!"

CATHY: "Dan, you've gotta help me! Mom poisoned Dad and she tried to poison me, too! She wants all of Dad's money, even though she hated him and cheated on him every chance she got!"

DAN: "Have you no descency? How could you say such things about your own mother? You're not fit to touch the hem of her garment!"

CATHY: "If I did touch it, rat poison would fall out. She's got it in closets all over the house! For God's Sake, don't eat anything while you're here!"

DAN: "Okay....okay....maybe you're right! I'll shoot her right now!"

CATHY: "Good!!! Do it now before she talks you out of it!!!!!"

THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND THE MOTHER FLINGS HERSELF INTO THE ROOM.

MOTHER: "Dan! Dan! I was listening at the door! Can't you see that Devil of a sister is  manipulating you!? Shoot her now!"

DAN: "Yes, you're right. I'll shoot her now!"

CATHY PUSHES HER MOTHER ASIDE AND GRABS DAN.

CATHY: "Dan, for the sake of everything that's holy...free yourself from your demon mother! Do it!"

DAN: "Yes, I'll free myself from the demon!!!"

THE MOTHER PUSHES CATHY ASIDE, GRABS DAN:

MOTHER: "NO, free yourself from the witch, because that's what your sister is!!!!"

DAN: "Yes, free from the witch!"

MOTHER AND CATHY: (Unintelligible, rapid back and forth)

EXT. MANSION:

BAM!!!!!!!

I'M CLEANING TODAY!

No post today! I'm cleaning...with a little help from my friends (above)...well, I wish I was getting that kind of help.

My whole family is converging on my house. My son is hitchiking most of the way across the country to be here. I'll wash and iron the new sheets for him, the ones that Auralynn recommended. After spending nights on rocks and weeds and in the cabs of trucks, imagine how he'll feel when he gets to sleep on a comfortable bed, between starched, sun-dried sheets!

CARTOON ANATOMY (PART ZILLION)

For the cartoonists on the site, here's a couple of anatomical oddities that you might not have noticed before. For one thing, an awful lot of people don't have much of a trunk. Classical anatomy charts (above) tell us that we all have one...a space between the bottom of the ribs and the pelvis... but you don't see it in a lot of real-life poses. 

In real life, lots of people (above) appear to be trunkless. For them the mid-body bulge (above) begins immediately under the breasts...at least when seen from the front.

From the side (above) we get a different picture. In the back we see a trunk line from the bottom of the scapula to the beginning of the bulge.  So the trunk is there, but it's wedge-shaped, and only visible from the back and side.

Here's another interesting one: in about half of all people the arm (above) doesn't connect to the body at the shoulder. Cartoonists have known that for years but it's taken time for the public's awareness to catch up.

Cartoonists know that the arm (above) usually connects to the side of the body, not the shoulder.

Are you skeptical? Look at this guy's arms (above). They connect to the body way below the shoulder. It's as if he was wearing shoulder pads.

Even if your arms did connect directly to the shoulders the clothes you wear (above) might make it look otherwise. Most suit jackets are padded.

Interesting, huh?

THE BEST WORKOUT MUSIC EVER?

Any fight fans here? If so, then you know that one of the delights of watching UFC (Ultimate Fighting) on Pay for View is the title music, "Face the Pain" by a band called Stem. They run it over a collage of fight highlights, which is assembled fresh for each show. It's usually pretty impressive.

I thought fans might like to hear the music in a format that includes the lyrics. I tried to find a sample on YouTube, but couldn't.... not one that had the right music and the right film on the same video. Oh well, here's (above) the next best thing: the music and lyrics accompanied by still photos that a fan put together. It's still pretty effective. It may be the best workout music ever. See what you think.




Just to round out the bill, here's a nifty boxing lesson (above) by striker,Michael Jai White. If you haven't seen this before it'll come as a revelation.

LOOKING THROUGH MY SCRAPBOOK

I thought I'd share some pictures from The Theory Corner scrapbook. They're all photos of me in costume. I love to work that way because the costume allows me to lose myself in the role without being self-conscious.

Just for comparison, I'll start with a picture sans costume. That's (above) a recent photo of me taken by Auralynn. She mkes me look suave, which is much appreciated.

Now here I am in costume (above)...well, sort of. I flatter myself that I actually look like Shakespeare. (Sigh!) I never actually did the promised parody. That's because the lines I wanted to read were tragic and beautiful, and I just couldn't bring myself to make fun of them. Not that it would have been a great reading, mind you, but it would have been fun.

One of these days I need to finish the Smoker story (above) that featured my favorite female Theory Corner villain, "Beulah." She's less a heart breaker than a head breaker.

Here's another favorite (above), only this time it's a guy. I know he doesn't look like a guy....that's because he's in disguise. You'd have to read the story to understand.

I love those glasses (above). I've had them for years and will cry real tears if I ever lose them.

This (above) and Hook are my two favorite male villains. I won't bother putting up  Hook because everybody's seen him a million times.

Here's the story of Helen Keller, and there's that Halloween wig again (above). It looks bigger here.

I think I do a passable "just kicked in the head by a mule" pose.

One nice thing about aging (above)...it allows you to look really, really annoyed when you need to.

I think it has to do with a change in the tone of facial muscles.

I couldn't have done this (above) ten years ago. Just so I don't waste it, I should go out and yell at some kids.

Above, The Lone Stranger. That was fun.

Here I am (above) with my talented co-workers at work. The shooting went really fast, maybe because my friends all had experience on stage and film.

Yikes! I have more pictures, but no more room, so I guess I'll have to end this. No, wait....there's one more (below).........

No, it's not me. This (above) is an absolutely wonderful, wonderful couple that I met outside a nearby restaurant, and that's Mike pledging allegiance on the right. These guys actually recognized me from pictures on Theory Corner!!!!!!!

I wrote their names down in a green spiral notebook, thinking I'd never forget them that way. The problem is that when I got home the notebook got tossed into a large pile of green spiral notebooks and I promptly did forget. Really, I deserve to be flogged!

Mike, can you help me with the names?

WOLFGANG CLEMEN ON "HAMLET"

Above, scenes from "Hamlet." Okay, they're actually from something else, but they look like they came from Hamlet, so that's how I'm using them. They're here to illustrate a thought I got from a book called "The Development of Shakespeare's Imagery." See what you think. 

The book makes the point that the way something is said effects the meaning. That's why "Thou shalt not kill" is more effective than "Don't kill anybody." You could argue that both versions say the same thing, but they clearly don't. The Biblical version commands respect because it's so beautiful, and so masculine. It calls to mind tradition and philosophy and memories of childhood. "Don't kill anybody," on the other hand, is simply one person's opinion and carries no weight whatsoever. 

You could make a similar point about Hamlet's "To Be or Not to Be" soliloquy:

This thought is often summarized as "reflection hinders action," but the book reminds us that Hamlet never actually said that. If the thought was that simple and moralistic the remedy would be obvious....don't think. But Hamlet believes that thinking is inevitable. It's what humans do. He despairs that humanity has been fatally and disgustingly poisoned, just like his father. We're all doomed to be sick and irresolute. It's a point of view that's unique to Hamlet, that comes out of his own tragic life experience.

I'm not as pessimistic as Hamlet, but I have to admire his authenticity. He develops ideas out of his own life experience. More than I'd like to admit,  my own ideas are adapted from whatever's in the air in my time.

That's all I have to say on that subject, but I offer the Golden Palm with Oak Leaf Cluster  to any reader who can identify the origin of the illustrations I used here.

DO WOMEN LUST AFTER CARTOONISTS?

I know what you're thinking: "Surely women don't get really hot and bothered by the men they encounter on Theory Corner. I mean Theory guys are all cartoonists and philosophers. Women just aren't into that." I don't blame you for thinking that...but you'd be wrong. 

Lot's of women fantasize about meeting Theory Corner men. They'd love to sink their fingers into that thoughtful, philosophical flesh.

 How do I know? I see the proof everyday when I walk down the street. It's getting so that I have to wear a disguise just to go to the grocery store.

Even when I mow my lawn (above) I get attention from female neighbors.

They let you know in subtle ways that they're all Theory Corner readers.

Ah, the internet is a glorious thing!

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BTW: I don't really get oggled on the street by Theory Corner readers. That's just a fantasy.

YOU BE THE DOCTOR

By accident I discovered a site for medical professionals that invites the reader to make a diagnosis from a photograph and a few facts. Most of the respondants are doctors. It's a kind of game that they play. They all guess at the problem and suggest a treatment. After a flurry of comments the site's editor publishes the correct diagnosis.  I thought Theory Corner readers might like to try their hand at it. Here's a couple of cases:

THE PROBLEM: A 22 year-old man vacations in the tropics, and falls sick while on the plane coming back to the States. Above is the X-ray that shows what happened. Can you decipher it, and diagnose the problem?

DIAGNOSIS: The man was a "Mule" for heroin smugglers. He had several condoms filled with heroin in his stomach, large intestine and colon. One of them burst spilling a potentially lethal amount of the drug into his system.

I have to confess that I don't see any of that in the X-ray. I guess you have to have a trained eye.

DIAGNOSIS: The X-ray shows "miliary infiltrates" in both lungs, which I assume means fungus tendrils. About 5% of workers who clean up bat and bird droppings in a confined space get this problem.

DIAGNOSIS: Shingles. It's an intensely painful viral condition which you're vulnerable to if you had chicken pox when you were a kid. Usually it lasts only a few weeks, but it can also last a long time and cause blindness or paralysis. It's very important to get fast treatment. 

DIAGNOSIS: a ruptured spleen.  The abdominal organs most affected by traumatic injury to the side are the spleen and the liver. Even a small injury to the spleen can turn into something serious and cause a lot of internal bleeding. 

The kid's dad was smart to take him to the emergency ward right after the injury. Time is of the essence in cases like this. 

Interesting, huh? here's the site address:

http://boards.medscape.com/forums?128@226.ZMWEacWnd8L@.2a02a0d1!comment=1

WIVES FROM HELL

This is a post for the comedic storytellers on the site. No doubt you all have your favorite stereotypes which you pull out again and again. I love to talk about things like that, and if you're willing I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the subject. Just to get things started I'll share a few stereotypes of my own.

Here are my favorite Wives from Hell types. I've had absolutely nothing but good experiences with marriage but, let's face it, good experiences don't make for good stories. It's the rotten ones that readers want to hear about.  For that you need women like the ones below.

THE WITCH: You'd think evil women would be universally shunned and the trait would die out. Actually, it's just the opposite. Ordinary men are mesmerized by them. We're just putty in their hands. Go figure.

THE DOWNRIGHT UGLY: In real life very, very few women are ugly and the ones who are, are still better looking than their husbands. Even so, comedy writing requires ugly women as well as ugly men. It requires women in this category to be either lovably innocent, frustrated nymphomaniacs, or funny schemers who want to make the world pay for the bad treatment they receive.

FAT WOMEN: Comical fat wives can be either sweet or mean, but they should always be seen eating or wishing they were eating. This isn't true in real life, but fiction has its own rules.

THE ARGUMENTATIVE TYPE: There are no doubt legitimate reasons to argue, but this type of wife does it because she likes it. She was the one baby in twenty who came into the world genetically equipped with all the expressions, gestures, and sarcasm needed to put across a first-class rowel, and it's hard not to practice what you're good at. Fictional women like this always marry timid men.

THE CRAZY TYPE: I've never personally met anybody like this, but I know they exist because there's so many books and movies about them. I'm not thinking of people who are seriously disordered, but rather of those women with a heightened need for drama. They obsess over perceived slights by friends and co-workers.

Well, that should do for a start.


BTW: The Basil Wolverton girl was rendered in 3D by Colin Batty.