Saturday, January 26, 2008

WHY SOFTWARE SUCKS


Well, there's a long answer and a short answer.  The short answer is the picture of a programmer's desk, above.   If you were a programmer yourself, can you imagine entering this guy's room and asking for advice about how to make a program easier to use for old ladies?

This is the domain of the ubernerd.  The guy's obviously obsessed with computing, has no girlfriend, eats his meals (frozen TV dinners, Kraft macaroni, canned chili) in front of his computer, and has a huge collection of action figures. This guy, who rarely sees the light of day, sets the standard for other programmers.  A guy like this couldn't even imagine a project less interesting than making programs easy to use. 

 
At least that's what David Platt says in his recent book (above) on the subject. Platt's a programmer himself and he used to be an ubernerd. He only changed when he started designing sites for big companies who had a financial stake in being accessable to the public. If you don't want to buy the book, try his websites: "whysoftwaresucks.com" and "suckbusters!"

According to Platt, programmers who try to make programs easy to use have no status at all where they work. Real status comes from increasing control, from figuring out how to increase the number of options for things, from helping the user to customize, and from making toolbars and desktops look pretty. 

I'm not kidding about the pretty thing.  A long time ago, when I got my first computer (a gift from John K) I lost a couple of hours trying to find the start icon on the computer screen. Everybody told me it was on the lower left but I didn't see anything there. I wanted to scream. Finally a programmer friend came over my place and, with eyes rolled up to show his annoyance, used a keyboard command to scroll up.  From the bottom of the screen, below anything you could see, emerged a start icon.  Just like a submarine surfacing.  I was shocked! Dumbfounded, I asked why anyone would hide a thing like that and he said it was necessary to make the screen more beautiful! He actually admired the people who made it that way!

   

That brings us to another point, namely that a large number of hardcore programmers consider themselves to be Nietzscean supermen and social Darwinists. They see themselves as a superior race. People who have trouble with programs are the unfit, the weak, the chaff -- those who need to be weeded out, or at least not catered to.  



That's such an odd attitude.  Don't the programmers benefit from the simplicity of supermarkets where all the types of food are conveniently under the same roof? Don't they benefit from the convenience of hospitals, departments stores and large electronic stores? If they benefit from the work of others who made things simple for them, how can they be so hard-hearted when it's their turn to return the favor?
 
Sometimes I wonder how valuable these people really are to the companies who hire them. They create value, no doubt, but they also remove value. How many people held off from buying programs or devices because they didn't want to wade through thick and boring instruction manuals?  

 America on Line got to be big enough to buy Time Warner because they attempted to make the internet more easy to use.  There's clearly a dollar to be made by making things easy, but the ubernerds aren't interested in that dollar, in fact they have disdain for it. Are they really serving the best interest of their employers? 



Friday, January 25, 2008

ANOTHER BLACK & WHITE! STILL VAMPING WHILE I FIGURE OUT THE MAC!


"Hi folks! I, uh...thought you might like to meet a friend of mine!" 


"He's kinda' shy, but...I don't know....maybe we coax him out!"


"Wait a minute! There he is...hold on just a second....."


"And here he is!!! Folks, meet my pal Rudolph!!!!!! Say hi, Rudolph!"


"Folks, don't run away!  I know a lot of you hate puppets! Big mistake! Ya gotta give them a chance! They're the cutest little things! Here, watch this......"


"Hey Rudolph, do you have a message for our readers?"


"A hug!?? That's the message!?? Aw, that's Rudolph's message...a great big hug!"


"Well, here's back 'atcha little guy!"


"Another hug!? Awwwww!"


"I love you too, Rudolph!"


"Hey, why don't you keep everybody entertained while I get a cup of coffee?"


"Be right back! See ya in a minute (laughs)!!!"


Silence as Rudolph waits till Uncle Eddie is all the way out.



Puppet:  "Laugh now, Bucktooth, because you won't be able to laugh later on!  Your time is running out!"
Puppet: "The day will come when puppets will no longer have to tolerate human hands in their pants!"

 
Puppet:  "The day will come when the doors of my jungle laboratory will roll up, and a new race is unleashed upon the world....a race of zombie super puppets! Puppets who VILL TAKE OVER THE VERLD!"


Puppet:  "Yes, they will take over the Verld, and I, Rudolph, shall be their Supreme Master!!!!!! Prepare to bow down, vile worms! Your new Master is here!!!!!!"



Uncle Eddie (off screen):  "Everything going OK, Rudolph!?"


Uncle Eddie: "How'd it go!? They loved you right!??"


Uncle Eddie (Voice Over): "Of course they did!! Everybody loves Rudolph! He's so doggone lovable!"

He gives Rudolph some "noogies" on the head. 

Uncle Eddie:  "Gotta go! Bye everybody!!!!!! Say good-bye Rudolph!!!! Byyyyyeeeeee!!!!!!!"



Note:  Thanks to Mike for the cool puppet! And thanks to Ed Wood for the laboratory line!







Wednesday, January 23, 2008

WHY DID 60S FILMS LOOK SO BAD?

Something that needs to be explained is why color films of the early 60s were so badly photographed and composed.  Every shot in the films of this period seemed geared to producing good lobby cards.  Telling the story seemed to be secondary.


It's doubly puzzling because only a short time before, in the black and white era, Hollywood had no difficulty shooting dramatic scenes (above) in a convincing way. 

Sometimes I think Technicolor was to blame. The color was gorgeous but lighting it may have been so difficult that studios opted for simplistic set-ups.  Maybe wide screen was to blame. Maybe flattening long lenses. 



Another possiblity is that the minimalist aesthetic had set in and art directors simply thought that less was more. Look at the Hanna Barbera cartoons (above) from this period. Some of them are mind-numbingly bleak and arid, but I doubt that many people complained.  


Here's (above) what we would call today "TV lighting" and staging applied to a feature film. The characters are reduced to simple shapes. The background is generic, made a little dark in one spot to make Doris Day pop out.  The whole look is flat. Probably the technicolor was beautiful, but so what -- the composition and modelling are lifeless.

 
Here (above) human beings are reduced to cardboard cut-outs; just shapes and colors. It's scary because you get the feeling that the stories were simplified and streamlined to fit the clunky photography. 



Me, I prefer lighting that brings out the gritty humanity of the characters. I also like to see lots of extras, like in the scene below.  That doesn't work at all in animation, but it makes live action spring to life.  


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

THE MIDNIGHT SNACK


"I think I'll check my emails before I turn in.  Boy, the house is spooky this time of night."


"I'll tell you something you probably didn't know.  Two of the people who owned this house in the past were murdered. No kidding! They were axed in this very room!"


"I know what you're thinking: 'Why did you buy a house where murders took place!?, ' and I just shrug. It was cheap; what can I say?  It's not so bad.  You hear weird sounds in here sometimes, but it's OK, you get used to it."


"Like that! Did you hear that!?  What do you think that was?"


"It sounded like crying behind the walls, but that couldn't be."


The story they tell about this place is that a husband decided to do away with his wife and hide her body in the space between the walls.  Those are the walls behind me.  He dragged her dead body up into the attic then dropped it into a space between the walls of the first floor. What he didn't know was that she wasn't really dead, and that she woke up inside the sealed-up wall." 

"Um....the  next part's pretty gnarly.  Are you sure you want me to tell you about it?""



"OK, you asked for it!  Well, they say she woke up in there and couldn't get out.  She couldn't scream because her throat had been damaged by the near-strangling.  The only way she could survive was to eat the occasional roach and twist the heads off rats.  The rats resisted and would savagely bite her hand as she strangled them."  


"After  a year in the dark eating rats,  she went insane.  All she could think about was vengeance, vengeance against the horrible man who had done this to her.  Imagine her in there, covered with mildew and bacteria, wearing a tattered dress soaked in her own waste products! Every once in a while she'd reach a point where she couldn't take it anymore,  and she'd howl and bang her head against the wall."


  
HOOOOOOWWWWLLLLL!!!!!!! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Um...er, something like that. Don't worry it was probably just the wind."



"They say that once a year, she'd get so intolerably angry that she'd manage to crawl up out of the wall into the attic, then down into the house, where she would kill the occupant of this room. The first year she killed her husband, the second and third years  she killed the next guys who bought the house."  


"It never occurred to her to leave here. In her deranged state she got used to living in the wall. After she killed her latest victim, she would always tortuously drag herself back to the comfort and security of the rat-filled dark. The police could never figure out who the murderer was. It never occurred to them that it might be someone living in the wall, at least that's the story people around here tell."


HHOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

"Good Grief! It's bad tonight!"



"You don't suppose that this is the night she'll crawl out, looking for vengeance?"


"They say there's an axe hidden behind a trunk in the attic that she uses to....."



"Naaaaw! That's just a story!  Don't think for one minute that I...."

HHHOOOOOOWWWWLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!       (Continued in the next post, below)