"THE SMOKER" (EPISODE 7)

ANNOUNCER:  "Yes, it's THE SMOKER, and a smoker knows many things! Through the wisps of tobacco smoke he sees truth and error...and MURDER!"

ANNOUNCER: "In tonight's episode we find THE SMOKER skulking through the dark corridors of the abandoned farm house. If he's lucky, he'll find the kidnapped girl. If he's not lucky....."

 






THE SMOKER:  "Who are you? Where's your body? I don't see a body!"

DR. SWEET: "I am Dr. Sweet. I don't have a body any more, but I get along alright..."

DR. SWEET: "...with a little help from my friends."

THE SMOKER:  "Glad to meet ya! What a fine bunch of fellows, yessir!"

THE SMOKER:  "Look, I'm not a cop! Somebody pays me and I do this stuff.  I don't know why you took the girl, and I don't care. "


SMOKER: " Let me take her with me now and we'll call this square.

DR. SWEET: "Square? You'll call it 'square?' That's very funny! He'll call it square! (Laughs)"





MAN CREATURES: (They laugh)

(The laughter becomes a cacophony)

THE SMOKER: "Stop it! Tell them to stop it!"

DR. SWEET: "Stop."

THE SMOKER:  "Look, I got $500 here. That was my down payment for getting the girl."

 
THE SMOKER:  "Let me walk out of here with her now, and it's all yours. You better make up your mind fast, though, before I change my mind."

THE SMOKER: "No? Are you sure? Gee, that's too bad......then, how about............"

THE SMOKER:  "....How about THIS!!!???" Get the girl NOW! We're leaving!!!!!"

DR. SWEET: "Oh you're leaving?"

 
DR. SWEET: "Did you hear that? We just met and now he's leaving! Maybe we can persuade him to stay a little longer!"

(The creatures go ballistic! Lots of growls and howls as they go on the attack!)

ANNOUNCER:  "What's going to happen to THE SMOKER!?  Where is the kidnapped girl? Who is Dr. Sweet!? How can he survive without a body? Why are his henchmen hideously deformed? Find out next week when we again present another exciting episode of...'THE SMOKER!' "

"OUT OF THE INK BOTTLE"

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "Hmmmm.  I can't think of anything to draw."

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "Wait a minute! Why didn't I think of it before!? I'll let my friend KaKa the Clown out of the ink bottle! He's always good for a laugh!"

MIX FLEISCHMAN: "Let's see......"

SLAM!

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "Oops! Sorry, KaKa! Tell you what: I feel so bad about dropping you, that I'll let you stay out this time! I mean stay out for good! You're a free man!"

MIX FLEISCHMAN: "So what are you going to with your freedom?"

KAKA:  "You mean me, Mr. Fleischman?"

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "Yeah, KaKa, what are your plans?"

KAKA: "Well, Gosh Mr. Fleischman, I hope you won't laugh at me.  You see, I've always wanted to get an education...to make something out of myself."

KAKA (CONT):  "First I'd like to get a liberal arts degree with a major in Theater. Then I'd like to see if one of the big New york acting schools will accept me."

MIX FLEISCHMAN: "Wow, that's very commendable, KaKa!  It sounds like a lot of work, though. Do you think you can handle it?"

KAKA:  "Gee Whiz, Mr. Fleischman...I hope so.  Of course I have to support my mother while I work my way through school, and then there's my church activities, but I figure that if I'm thrifty and work hard then everything will work out alright. "

MIX FLEISCHMAN: "Boy, it sounds like you won't have much time for socializing."

KAKA:  "Socializing!? Gee, Mr. Fleischman, I won't have time to make friends.  'Gotta crack those textbooks every night!"

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "I can help you there, KaKa. What you need is a ready-made friend."

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "KaKa, meet my pal, Betty Bloop!"

KAKA:  "Betty BlooP?...Um, Er....Hi, I guess. Whatever."

KAKA: (Gasp!)

KAKA:  "Wha...wha...what is that...that thing with long hair and BUMPS on its chest?"

MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "Oh, I forgot to tell you. That's a girl. Half the world is girls. "


MIX FLEISCHMAN (V.O.):  "Come to think of it, a serious student like you won't have time for girls.  There's plenty of time for......"



MIX FLEISCHMAN:  "KaKa, you're not listening!  What about school?"


KAKA: "School? What school?"

MC HAMMER & JAMES BROWN

Here's my favorite MC Hammer video. Man, Hammer could dance! All that jumping...surely even professionals had their lungs jumping out of their chests after a number like this! You'd swear the background dancers were defying gravity.





This one's very far from James Brown's best video but I include it because it gives us a sustained look at his unique dancing style. If the weirdness of the video bums you out, you can clean your eyes with "Night Train," also on YouTube.





Here's Eddie Murphy making fun of the way James Brown talks.

"THE SMOKER" (EPISODE 5)

ANNOUNCER:  "Yes, he's The Smoker, and a smoker knows many things.  Through the curling wisps of tobacco smoke he perceives truth and error....and MURDER!"

The Smoker:  "She was a looker alright. Young, feminine and confident, maybe over-confident, maybe a little too worldly for her own good. I know the type well. In the photos she's dressed in high fashion and low necklines...no inhibitions...just a rich Dad who can afford a private dick like me when one day she just vanished into thin air. 

The only lead I had I was this address in the country that I fished out of her waste basket.  It's not much to go on but it's a place to start. That's it, that farm up ahead." 

  

"Hey Buddy, you mind if I ask a couple of questions?"

 
"You haven't seen this girl around here, have you?  She hasn't done anything wrong, I just want to talk to her.  No? But you didn't look at the picture..Here, take a look!"

"I shot a quick look inside and there was somebody inside bowed over a table counting something in the darkness. Why's the house so dark in the middle of the day? "

"Hey, uh..you don't think I could use your phone do you?  Just a local call. I'll just go in and...."

"Hey, hey, no need to get rough. I just wanted to make a call that's all."

"OK, I'll be seeing you! Have a good day and all that! I know you have to get back to your farming!"

"Farming in a pig's eye! That's a city rat if I ever saw one.  Something here doesn't add up!"

"I gotta bring the law in on this right away. If she's in there, there's no time to loose!"

"What the...!? Somebody's on the road! Get outta the way, ya......"

Screeeeeeeecccchhhhh.......CRAAAASHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANNOUNCER:  "Who was the mysterious figure on the road? Why did he risk his life to flag down The Smoker?  Did The Smoker survive the crash!? What about the girl!? Was she in the farmhouse? And who was the figure counting in the shadows?  Find out next week, when we present another exciting episode of.......THE SMOKER!!!!"