PIZZA: THE SECRET INGREDIENT

I don't know why anyone would make pizza from scratch at home when great pies can be had cheap almost anywhere in America. Hmmm...well, wait a minute, maybe I can imagine why. You go to all that trouble because you have an idea for an improvement that could beat what the pros do.

Okay, here's my idea and I'm dying to test it. It's something you add to the sauce.




That ingredient is...(drum roll)..stock! That's right, stock, just like you find in French cooking. I'm no expert, but I know from the internet that it's possible to make both cheese and mushroom stock (stock = a condensed essence of a food's flavor that's much more intense than the real thing). Has anyone ever tried using stock in pizza? We'll never know because professionals don't share their secrets. Anyway, I'm dying to try it.

I'm also dying to try aromatic stock.  That's a stock whose purpose is to make the food smell good.

Making aromatic stock might be more complicated than it sounds. My only knowledge of aromas comes from a movie called "Perfume." According to the film a great aroma is a combination of three scents: the first is a the "grabber" smell. It's immediately intriguing and delightful, but doesn't last very long. The second aroma is the long lasting body of the smell, the one that everyone associates with your product. The last smell is the aroma's soul...the unexpected scent that gives a unique character to the product.

The film explains that the initial smell requires a tiny amount of alcohol for fast delivery to the nose, but that quickly evaporates. The second smell requires fat because the smell of fat stays on the nose for a long time. The third smell...well that's the tough one. I wonder what unexpected smell could give an ordinary slice of cheese pizza...a soul.

BEAUTIFUL GIRLS

WARNING! 'Nothing obscene here, but this is not office or school safe!

Fascinating! On a whim, I googled a few variations of "girls posing like hood ornaments" and discovered these two pictures, above and below.

This is the kind of pose you want on a statue resting on a pillar near your easy chair.

A sidebar on the adult site containing the hood ornament pictures led to this amazing picture (above)! The woman on the left is obviously having second thoughts, and who can blame her? The photographer set her up with some Li'l Abner-type wild woman. The mind boggles to think of what this session must have been like!

 I can only guess that a shortage of edible squirrels and mice brought her out of the hills, down to the outer edge of civilization. Maybe she lived out of dumpsters for a while, then came to the attention of the law when she was caught pilfering Rogaine. 'Just a guess.

Emboldened by my success with the opening pictures, I got a sandwich and a beer and hit the adult sites in earnest. I discovered a whole site devoted to overweight women in tight skirts. Man, this picture (above) makes me want to draw!

A visit to a nerd site resulted in this photo (above). I'm guessing that the photographer provided the glasses, which are larger than people wear now, but which add character to the face.

Believe it or not, this girl (above) was on the same nerd site. Does she seem like a nerd to you? I must define the word differently than other people do.

On a different subject, I thought I'd mention the things I bought on the day after Halloween, when everything was 50% off. Well, I got a great vampire castle but it's a kit  and it'll be a while before I can build it. I also got a terrific beret, but that's for a future story about beatniks.

The only thing I can show here is a pair of wax lips, the best I've ever seen. Don't underestimate wax lips; there are dozens of things you can do with them. Here (above) they allow me to be Edward G. Robinson,

THE PROPER WAY TO SMOKE

I don't smoke but the subject interests me, maybe because it strikes me as odd that cigarette smokers don't seem to enjoy it very much. Cigar and pipe smokers enjoy it. Look at them: they have magazines, clubs, internet sites...all sorts of fan outlets. What do cigarette smokers have? Nothing. No clubs, no magazines...zip. They seem to smoke just to satisfy an urge. Why is that? Why the difference?

I think it's because current cigarette smokers don't know how to smoke. They only know how to create mist, and there's no fun in that. Real smoking is almost a lost art.

Pushing a shapeless mist out of the mouth like the two women above is not smoking. It's...I don't know what to call it..."evacuating." Smoking implies that you enjoy watching and manipulating the slowly unraveling thing called smoke.

And why wouldn't you enjoy it?  Unlike mist, smoke tells stories. The smoke above, for example: I see four little ghosts happily nibbling on a spinal column til two of them disappear, sending their friends into a panic. Moments later this scene might be replaced by cats attacking a school bus or Indians eating pies. Smoke puts on a show for you, while mist is just...well...mist.

I blame the ascendancy of mist on Flappers from the 1920s who, to judge from photos, didn't have a clue about the art of smoking, but I could be wrong. Maybe the decline of true smoking coincides with inhaling, which I'm guessing began in the 30s or 40s. Inhaled smoke turns into vapor. When you blow it out, it's just formless mist. It has no strings, no crawl, no shape, no imaginary animals or ghosts...it's just a haze. That's a pity because tobacco smoke is capable of so much more. It was just never meant to be inhaled.

Cigarette smokers who inhale like to think that they're superior to noninhaling smokers, but actually the opposite is true. Inhalers have limited imaginations and only smoke to be sedated. People who don't inhale are the real sophisticates. They're intellectually engaged in what they're creating. They enjoy the mysterious drama that unfolds infront of them.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole antismoking movement would have had the same zeal if smoking had prevailed over mist making. My guess is that smoke particles are larger and heavier than mist particles. They tend to cling to the area around the smoker, and fall to the ground at his feet. Mist on the other hand, fills the room and becomes part of the atmosphere that everybody has to breathe, whether they like it or not. Maybe the antismoking people are really just antimist.

Don't get me wrong...I don't advocate smoking. It's just too dangerous, even when it's done right. But if you're determined to do it anyway...well, geez, at least make an effort to enjoy it.

MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME

Aaargh! These are horrible, horrible pictures, but I don't have time to redo them.  Boy, this has been one busy week! I still haven't put up any decorations, but my daughter volunteered to help me tomorrow if I get stuck. I can't believe we're doing this so late!

 As you can see, my costume is the Muskrat lodge uniform, and if you're an especially good observer you'll note that I'm wearing the Grand Master hat. That's new...I just got it!  The epaulets are made of paper. I couldn't find the old braided ones. I kinda like the way paper looks.

In real life the hat looks great, but in photos it makes me look like a Bolshevik.

Aaaaaarghhh!!!!! This picture (above) genuinely scares me! It's me, but it's a different me.  It's a glimpse into a parallel universe where I own a small motel in Ohio, and play poker with the boys once a week.

That's it for the costume but hey, if you live in LA, stop by Boney Island in North Hollywood this Saturday or Sunday night. Milt Grey says a couple of Simpsons artists put together a huge, free Halloween display that rivals anything you can find at Knott's Berry Farm or Disneyland. Maybe I'll see you there! Here's a site with all the info:

http://boneyisland.com/main.html

IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS AND MASKS

A RIGHTEOUS MASK (above)!!!!!! But who sells these? Was this custom-made?

I see this Wolverton girl (above) as a sculpture made from a base consisting of a carved- out empty milk container (gallon size) and a ropey mop.

This Don Martin guy would look great 6' tall on the outside of a door. So would Clampett's indian, the one with a skinny neck and a big belly, but I can't find a good picture on the net.

Plastic or rubber skulls (above) always look good with a wig of flowing girls hair.

Redraw this (above) Tex Avery take picture very large and color it for your front porch. The kids'll love it!

Glue any old thing from your wastebasket onto a paper bag to make a mask. Add color.

Liberians considered this (above) to be a JUDGE'S mask!!!!????? Man, I'd like to see a Liberian trial!

Above, an interesting color scheme by Picasso. If you have something for the porch that needs to be painted.....

Believe it or not, these faces (above) were made from toilet paper tubes. First they were softened somehow, then painted. Then the artist used pliers and extra cardboard from other rolls to make faces. 

Holy Cow! A nifty monkey face sculpture, from somewhere in Melanesia, I think.

STEVE'S NEW CARTOON SHOW!

I did four posts about Steve Worth in the past three weeks, and just when I thought it was time to give some other topic a chance, Steve's internet TV show (above) debuted! Haw! Well, we'll just have to make room for a fifth post, because the event is historic. This is the first original YouTube cartoon show... ever!

Boy, Steve really got into the part (above) he's playing: that of a sorcerer who's trying to raise Walt Disney from the dead. Between attempts we get to watch three well chosen  cartoons, including one of my all-time favorites: "Swing You Sinners." Steve was a line producer for some pretty good people (Spumko, Bakshi, etc.) and is a long time cartoon fan, so he knows what the good stuff is.

All this is done in cahoots with Fred Seibert and his company, "Refrederator." Fred as you know, was the executive producer behind Cartoon Network shows like 'What a Cartoon," "Dexter's Lab" and "The Powerpuff Girls." Fred got together with YouTube to see if an internet cartoon show could be made to work, and this pilot is the result. If enough fans like it, expect to see a new show at regular intervals.

Let's see...did I leave anything out? Oh yes...the way it works is that you have to click inside the black box at the end of the video. The box appears only for an instant, so be ready. When you do that you'll be taken to the next video. The whole show requires several videos to play out, but they're all connected, like beads on a string.

Leave a comment on YouTube and let Steve know what you think!

IDEAS FOR HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS

I'll get to the decorations in a minute. First, check out this (above) painting. It's huge, isn't it!? I shrunk my sidebar to make room for it, and it still won't fit! Click to enlarge to see the whole thing. Haw! I pity people who are viewing this on a cel phone!

BTW: Is this Dan Krall's work?

Awwww...that's (above) one cute kid, no doubt about it!

I stocked up on Halloween candy early this year, and I did what I always did and began nibbling as soon as I got it home. I hope there'll be some left for the kids. I could ask my family to hide it from me, but that probably wouldn't help. I know all their hiding places.

I'd be getting a late start, but I'm tempted to put big versions of masks like these on my front porch for Halloween. Aaaargh! I wonder if I have enough cardboard?

Is that (above) a mask? I mean a mask you can buy? If so, it's pretty well done. Of course I collect funny masks, not serious ones.

This artist (above) is terrific! It looks like he draws with a "6H" pencil, but he succeeds in creating a mood. 

  

Okay, about decorating....cheap rubber masks make great porch decorations. Even when they're old and falling apart, you can still find a use for them. The secret of making masks like these (above) come to life is to repaint them with acrylic paint. Reshape the ones that need it with staples, pins or duct tape, and replace the existing eyes with ping pong balls.  

  

Old kids book illustrators pulled no punches, as you can see above. Hideous deaths were the standard consequence of crimes like not doing chores. Framed color xeroxes of pictures like this look good around doors...something for Trick or Treaters to look at.

One day I'm going to attempt to make a giant mask like this (above), only more scary. I figure black, bendable foam for the major shapes, and paint for the rest.

It would be easy to make this (above)with boxes and an old, falling-apart mask. I'd put it under the bench by the front door.

An interesting robot design, and it looks easy to reproduce, too. Well, easy if you have enough X%&$@ cardboard! You really need to start collecting boxes for weeks before the holiday. Come to think of it, the design of the guy is pretty good, too. Who drew this?

RAMBLING THOUGHTS ABOUT "NAKED GIRLS READING"

Here's an interesting idea: "Naked Girls Reading." Books and girls...a nice combination, if it can be made to work...but can it?

I wish the girls would read something a little meatier than the books shown on the posters.



When I said "meatier" I was thinking of something like Tennyson but, come to think of it, I'd really like to hear a poem like the one above read naked...wouldn't you? The poem starts 22 seconds into the video.



Nudity would add so much to a reading like the one Edie Adams gives to the lyrics of this song (above).

I'm a big fan of public readings, and I'm always trying to think of a way to make them commercially feasible. In the past actors and writers used to go on the road with shows that consisted entirely of them doing dramatic readings from their favorite books. The public loved them! I'm grasping at straws, I know, but...is there a chance that Naked Girls Reading could help to make that popular again, at least on a very small scale? 

Aaargh! Probably not. 

The problem here is that these girls are all burlesque dancers, and probably aren't very good readers. Even so, with the right director....

Can you sustain a whole show with possibly bad readings? I wonder. Do the readers ever dance while they read? Would more variety in the program help? Even classical burlesque didn't consist of wall to wall girls. They punctuated the girl acts with comedy. 

Apparently Naked Girls Reading is a franchise. The local organizer is a guy named Vlad the Retailer. He has a terrific sign outside his office (above), so you get the feeling that he must know what he's doing.  Vlad's been doing Girls Reading for at least two years now, more if you include possible promotions for similar ideas, like the one below. 

All over the country promoters are trying to bring back burlesque in one form or another. Sometimes they even combine burlesque with professional men's wrestling. I wish them luck, but I don't think it'll happen on a large scale. Burlesque's time has passed. Now, naked literature on the other hand.....

THE BEST HALLOWEEN COSTUME EVER?

It may also be the ugliest. Where on Earth did that guy get a suit like that? And what's it made of? Rubber? Vinyl? It doesn't look very comfortable. It reminds me of the tar ball Moe was trapped in when he floated up to the top of a barn in one of The Three Stooges films.



Thanks to a much appreciated comment from Teki, I now know where these suits come from: a company called Squeak Latex. Check out squeaklatex.com and the YouTube video above.



Here's (above) the Squeak Latex "Blueberry Suit." Amazing!



Probably everybody here has seen this already, but in case you haven't...this is one of the new line of realistic masks put out by Rusty Slussen's SPFX company. The cost? $810, and worth every penny. A bank robber recently robbed five banks with an afroamerican variant of this! Thanks to Patrick Micheal for telling me about it!

There are much better views of the mask on other YouTube videos, but this one shows how quickly the mask comes off, and it's only 20 seconds long.

Man, every year plastic masks look more appealing to me. They're more imaginative than most rubber masks, and they're a heck of a lot cheaper. The problem is that the Golden Age of this sort of thing may already have passed.

I'll have to pay a visit to my local Goth supply store and see what's on the walls this year. I don't think "The Spirit" stores sell these. I wonder why?

Wow! A nifty disguise (above) that you can put into a brief case or a back pack!

A cool wooden mask (above)...from Japan, according to a commenter!

The best thing about kid costumes in a box was always the plastic mask. Nowadays you can buy masks like that without buying the costume. At last! Reason has prevailed!

First dog costumes, now baby costumes like the one above. What next? 

So THAT'S how you make a spider costume (above)! Okay, I get it now!

Anime-style robots (above) look great, if you don't mind walking on stilts.

I don't know about you, but I like to be read to by naked girls. It's this Sunday!