MY FAMILY REUNION

EXT. UNCLE EDDIE'S HOUSE:

EDDIE: "Hey, it's me!!! We're having a family reunion at my house and you're invited! Just get in line and c'mon in!!!!!!" 

EDDIE GREETS EVERYBODY AT THE DOOR: 

EDDIE: "Aunt Matilda! How are you!!?? Uncle Fred! Long time, no see!!!, etc."

INSIDE:

EDDIE (VO): "Hey, what can I get you guys? Coke? Coffee? Tea? Juice? Water?"

AUNT MATILDA: "I'll have coconut water with radish blush sweetened with agave nectar. It must be no-carb, gluten-free, non-dairy and wafted with acai fumes and currant mist...the kind that comes in the peasant-woven basket." 

EDDIE (VO): Well gee Aunt Matilda, I don't know if I....." 

COUSIN LENNIE: "Hey, I found the liquor cabinet! Wahoooo!!!!!!"

EDDIE (VO) (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT): "Hey everybody, look! It's Cousin Violet's new baby!!!!"

CROWD: "Awwwww! Isn't he adorable!?"

COUSIN PERCY: "And here's my new addition!"

CROWD: "Aaaaawwww!!!!!!!! Look at her! She's sooooo cute!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "Hey, get some pictures of my dog, Cuddles!"

CROWD: Nice dog, Cousin Rochester! He's so friendly!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "Yeah, go ahead and pet him! He loves people!"

INSIDE, LATER:

EDDIE: "Cousin Daisy, how's that kleptomania therapy coming along?"

COUSIN DAISY: "Er, uh....fine Eddie, just fine." 

ON PEOPLE LINED UP FOR THE BATHROOM:

COUSIN IRIS: "Cousin Gladys! Are you taking root in there?"

EDDIE: "COUSIN CHARLIE! COUSIN LUKE! What are you fighting about? Maybe you've had too much to drink!"

COUSIN CHARLIE: "We're not fighting, we're jush fooling around."

COUSIN LUKE: "Yeah. Don't take it sho seriously!"

5 MINUTES LATER: THE FAKE FIGHT HAS ERUPTED INTO A RIOT.

COUSIN CHARLIE: "You X#%@X#! I'll rip your face off!!!!

COUSIN LUKE: "Not before I tear out your jugular, moron!!!"

COUSIN JAKE: "'Pool's ready! Last one in is a rotten egg!"

SPLASH! SPLASH! EVERYBODY JUMPS IN.

EVERYBODY: "Hey, watch it, that's my foot." "Oh my Gawd! Is that an eye on my elbow?"

EDDIE : "Dinner's ready!"

CROWD: CHOMP! CHOMP! KARUMP! CHOMP! BITE! GNAW!

CROWD: "CHAW! MANGLE! STUFF! CRUNCH! 

LATER THAT NIGHT: (HUGE SNORES ALL OVER THE HOUSE).

(HUGE SNORES CONTINUE)

EARLY NEXT MORNING:

EDDIE: "AUNT MATILDA!!!!! Is that.....you!?"

LATER:

EVERYBODY: "Well, that's it Cousin Eddie! We gotta go! See ya next year!"

EDDIE: "See ya guys! Gee, I'm gonna miss you!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "C'mon! C'mon! Stop dragging!"

COUSIN JIMMY (ROCHESTER'S SON): "I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go!"

COUSIN ROCHESTER: "Okay, we're all packed! Hey, wait a minute. Where's Cuddles?"

EDDIE: "(Screams) HELP!!! HELP!!!!!!!!"

*************************

EUGENE O'NEILL'S "MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRA"

THEORY CORNER PRESENTS: "MOURNING BECOMES ELECTRA" (CONDENSED):

EXT. SOUTHERN MANSION: 1864:

DAN (VO): "Oh, my Gosh! The plantation is just the way I remembered it!"

DAN: "Now I can recuperate from my war wounds surounded by my loving mother and my sister Cathy, and by my stern but lovable father!"

MOTHER: "Cathy, will you get your brother a glass of water?"

CATHY: "Sure, Mom. 'Be right back!"

MOTHER: "Look, we only have a minute til your sister comes back, so I'll be brief. Your father's dead. That's him in lying in the corner. Your sister gave him rat poison so she could inherit his money. She almost got me too, but I figured it out."

DAN: "Father.....dead?"

DAN (VO): "R-r-rat poison???".

MOTHER: "There, there. Mother's here for you. Yes, she killed him. I told you she was no good."

MOTHER: "Um...what are you going to do about it?"

DAN: "Well...I guess I'll have to shoot her. Gee, I bought her a nice gift, too. Maybe I'll shoot her after I give her the gift. I want to see if she likes it."

MOTHER: "GASP! Did you hear that, my poor, dead husband!? He wants to give your killer a gift! What kind of wimpy son does a thing like that!!?????"

CATHY ENTERS THE ROOM WITH A GLASS OF WATER.

CATHY: "Here's the water. Er....anything wrong?"

MOTHER: "No, nothing. I just have a headache, that's all. I'll leave you two alone. Dan has something he wants to, er....talk to you about."

MOTHER LEAVES THE ROOM.

DAN: "You bet I want to talk! I.....mmmmph!!!!!"

CATHY: "Wait! Wait til the door is completely closed!"

CATHY: "Dan, you've gotta help me! Mom poisoned Dad and she tried to poison me, too! She wants all of Dad's money, even though she hated him and cheated on him every chance she got!"

DAN: "Have you no descency? How could you say such things about your own mother? You're not fit to touch the hem of her garment!"

CATHY: "If I did touch it, rat poison would fall out. She's got it in closets all over the house! For God's Sake, don't eat anything while you're here!"

DAN: "Okay....okay....maybe you're right! I'll shoot her right now!"

CATHY: "Good!!! Do it now before she talks you out of it!!!!!"

THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND THE MOTHER FLINGS HERSELF INTO THE ROOM.

MOTHER: "Dan! Dan! I was listening at the door! Can't you see that Devil of a sister is  manipulating you!? Shoot her now!"

DAN: "Yes, you're right. I'll shoot her now!"

CATHY PUSHES HER MOTHER ASIDE AND GRABS DAN.

CATHY: "Dan, for the sake of everything that's holy...free yourself from your demon mother! Do it!"

DAN: "Yes, I'll free myself from the demon!!!"

THE MOTHER PUSHES CATHY ASIDE, GRABS DAN:

MOTHER: "NO, free yourself from the witch, because that's what your sister is!!!!"

DAN: "Yes, free from the witch!"

MOTHER AND CATHY: (Unintelligible, rapid back and forth)

EXT. MANSION:

BAM!!!!!!!

I'M CLEANING TODAY!

No post today! I'm cleaning...with a little help from my friends (above)...well, I wish I was getting that kind of help.

My whole family is converging on my house. My son is hitchiking most of the way across the country to be here. I'll wash and iron the new sheets for him, the ones that Auralynn recommended. After spending nights on rocks and weeds and in the cabs of trucks, imagine how he'll feel when he gets to sleep on a comfortable bed, between starched, sun-dried sheets!

CARTOON ANATOMY (PART ZILLION)

For the cartoonists on the site, here's a couple of anatomical oddities that you might not have noticed before. For one thing, an awful lot of people don't have much of a trunk. Classical anatomy charts (above) tell us that we all have one...a space between the bottom of the ribs and the pelvis... but you don't see it in a lot of real-life poses. 

In real life, lots of people (above) appear to be trunkless. For them the mid-body bulge (above) begins immediately under the breasts...at least when seen from the front.

From the side (above) we get a different picture. In the back we see a trunk line from the bottom of the scapula to the beginning of the bulge.  So the trunk is there, but it's wedge-shaped, and only visible from the back and side.

Here's another interesting one: in about half of all people the arm (above) doesn't connect to the body at the shoulder. Cartoonists have known that for years but it's taken time for the public's awareness to catch up.

Cartoonists know that the arm (above) usually connects to the side of the body, not the shoulder.

Are you skeptical? Look at this guy's arms (above). They connect to the body way below the shoulder. It's as if he was wearing shoulder pads.

Even if your arms did connect directly to the shoulders the clothes you wear (above) might make it look otherwise. Most suit jackets are padded.

Interesting, huh?