HOW TO COMMIT THE PERFECT CRIME

I hope only people of good character are reading this because I'm going to spill the beans about how a perfect murder might be committed. I call it perfect because in this scheme the law itself is the guarantor of the murder's freedom. It goes like this...

A man who we'll call Fred wants to kill his friend Joe. In order to do this he enlists the help of another man who looks just like Fred. The two look-alike Freds, wearing identical clothes, arrange to to be in public places at opposite sides of town at, say, noon the following day. It would help if the public places happen to have a large clock which displays the time.


At the appointed time each of the Freds, in opposite sides of town, loudly declares that he is Fred (using Fred's entire real name) and the real Fred shoots his victim, which I forgot to say was skillfully maneuvered to also be at the right place at the right time. The other Fred deliberately breaks a store window. Both the Freds make their getaway. Passer-bys will tell police that that they saw a man named Fred, who dressed in such-and-such a way, and will site the time, which was on a big clock. Can you see where this is leading?

Neither of the Freds can be tried for murder because each can prove he was somewhere else at the time. The police know that one of them did it but can prosecute neither since both Freds have an air-tight alibi! The murderer must be turned loose!

OK, that's my perfect crime! What's yours?

FREE MEALS FOR LIFE!

No wonder so many thinking people read Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner... where else could you find a sure-fire method to get free meals for life? OK, here it is...

From the hardware store buy a yard or so of transparent rubberized tubing (not pictured), the kind you wrap around naked wires for insulation. It only costs a couple of bucks. Run the tube down the inside of a long-sleeve shirt till one end peaks out from the cuff and the other end discretely peeks out of your open shirt collar. Now you have all you need to suck up the drink of the person beside you without being noticed. "OK," you say, "that gets me a drink but how do I get a meal?" Read on!

The meal comes to you courtesy of Extend A Fork (shown extended above), which is available from any fun shop. You probably saw them the last time you made a rubber chicken run and just never noticed them. It's a normal-size fork that telescopes out like a car aerial. You simply divert the attention of the meal sharer and feast!

The obvious question to ask is why, if the technique is so fool-proof, do I not take advantage of this meal-sharing technique today? The answer has to do with a tragic story regarding Mike Fontanelli. We were at a restaurant near Warners and I had my hidden straw in his tomato juice. Every time he took a sip of his juice he would return the glass to the same spot next to my "wired" arm. All was going well till he randomly put the glass down on the other side of his tray where I couldn't reach it.

I asked him why he put his juice down on that side and he gave me a strange look and said, "What do you care where I put my juice down?" I answered, "Me? Me!? Hey, I don't care! You can put your drink down anywhere you want! I'm just inquiring about the reason." Well, we bickered like this for a while and I didn't notice that a siphon effect was still operating and the tomato juice still in the tube was gushing out all over my white shirt. Eventually Mike saw the red stain on my chest and freaked out. He thought I'd been stabbed! He behaved nobly in my defense till he saw the fleks of tomato around the stain and did a double-take. You can guess the rest. Mike now always sets his drink down on the far side and has a wary eye out for the extending fork. Not only that but he warned everybody else. Alas! The well has run dry!

DAVID GEMMILL'S HOLLWOOD CLUB DRAWINGS

You gotta give it to David. He had trouble breaking into the industry at first so he hunkered down and studied cartooning and animation and now he's turning out cool drawings like these. I got these from David's blog, cartoondavid.blogspot.com.






Sorry I had to reproduce these so small. A bandwidth problem again. Click to enlarge. I only wish I could have included the hilarious commentary that went with these.

PICTURES BY CHLOE CUMMING

Boy, some interesting people comment here! I was curious to see what British commenter Chloe Cumming's blog was like so I went there and was amazed to find these! Not too shabby, I would say!

Here (above) is a page from her sketchbook. I love to look at artists' sketchbooks, especially when they're as interesting as this. The swatches of color on the top just burn out of the page! How did she do that?
Here's (above) a glimpse at Chloe's workspace. Isn't that a beautiful table?

MORE KATIE RICE!

Left to right (above): Kali, Katie and Marlo.

Country singers Kali and Katie (above).

Swiped from Kali's blog, Katie's amazingly accurate caricature of Kali.

A NEW BOOK ABOUT WALLY WOOD!

Hot off the presses, here it is! It appears to be a whole book of anecdotes about Wood by the people who loved him and worked with him over the years. This may be the ultimate book on Wood! I'll let you know when I've had a chance to read it! Thanks Milt! It's a great present!

I think I'll pay a visit to 15150 Parthenia in Van Nuys. I wonder if the apartment house is still standing?

NEW KATIE DRAWINGS!

Voila! Caricatures (above) of Marlo, Kali and Katie, who also drew these! Click to enlarge! They still won't be as big as they should be but this is the best I could do with the bandwidth I have. I'll put up more soon!Marlo and Katie here (above) (dress designers note...this is the proper height for all dresses in the front)! How does Katie manage to distill so much happiness in a drawing? You could say these are philosophical drawings because they depict a world devoid of stress and conflict. That's the artist's job, to show the rest of us a vision of what the world could could be, to give us something to shoot for. Here's Kali looking infinitely sunny and eager. Notice the great leg and topknot theories! Katie made an interesting choice here. Everytime I've seen Kali she's been upbeat and enthusiastic but, being human she must have the whole range of positive and negative emotions that the rest of us do and Katiie must have seen that negative side at some time or other. Katie wisely chose a single emotion to represent Kali. She chose happiness. She didn't choose it because it's a convention of caricaturists , but because it represented a side of Kali that appealed to Katie's own idealism, to her own vision of a better world...at least that's what I think happened.