A POLITICALLY CORRECT "JACK AND THE BEANSTALK"

A few years ago a writer at a well known animation studio sent this memo to his boss. It asked the question, "If Jack and the Beanstalk were written today, at this studio, would it get approved?" The writer imagines that yes, it would be, but only if the following changes were made (below, click to enlarge):



Nifty, huh? My copy of this memo cuts off the name of the writer, but I'll gladly give him an author's credit if he writes in and identifies himself.

SUPERMAN...WELL ACTUALLY: "SOOPERMAN"

DEEP SPACE -- ON A SPEEDING ROCKETSHIP

JOOR-EL (VO): "Wake up, kid! Wake up!"

INT. ROCKET: ON THE SLEEPING BABY THE WORLD WILL SOMEDAY RECOGNIZE AS "SOOPERMAN."

JOOR-EL (VO): "You've gotta wake up! We have to hurry!"

SFX: Tap! Tap!...TAP! TAP! TAP!

JOOR-EL: "C'mon, little baby. Open your eyes!"

JOOR-EL: "It's your dad, Joor-el!"

JOOR-EL: "Listen, we gotta talk! We don't have much time! If you're hearing this, it means you're almost at your destination!"

BABY: Wakes, then (happy cooing).

JOOR-EL: "There you are, ya cute little thing, ya! Okay, brace yourself, this isn't going to be pretty! What you're seeing is a video. By the time you see this, the real me'll be hamburger."

JOOR-EL: "While you were asleep, Kryptoon began to break apart. In a minute or two the whole planet's going to explode, killing everybody."

JOOR-EL: "The worst thing is, people are blaming me for it!"

JOOR-EL: "Okay, I invented the planet burster with a big lever that stuck out the window...but I put a big note on it that said 'Don't Touch!' How was I supposed to know that someone who couldn't read would come along!?

JOOR-EL: "Anyway, I just put you in a rocket ship that'll take you to a place called Earth. Don't worry, you'll like Earth. The people there look just like us!

JOOR-EL: "Well, ahem!....not JUST like us....we are an exceptionally handsome race...."

SFX/EFX: (Loud rumbling and big shakes as the planet breaks apart).

JOOR-EL: "I've gotta talk fast! Listen! Earth's gravity is weaker than Kryptoon's! You'll have super powers there!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "Believe me, nobody's gonna take your lunch money if you don't want them to!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "And I threw in your dog. He'll have super powers, too! Remember to walk him every day, and don't ever get him mad!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "And a secret identity...You'll need to disguise yourself most of the time, otherwise pests'll always be begging favors!"

JOOR-EL: "Yeah, it's a gonna be a bit of a hassle..."

JOOR-EL: "....but, hey, there's a sunny side...."

JOOR-EL: "....heh, heh....think of all the GIRLS you're gonna get!" Muscles and a foreign accent...they'll eat it up!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "And X-Ray vision! Wait'll you see how handy THAT is!!!"

JOOR-EL: "One day it's not out of the question that you'll meet an Earth girl and have a family of your own."

JOOR-EL (VO): "Maybe she'll be somebody with muscles just like yours!"

BABY: (Cries)

SFX/EFX: (More rumbling and quakes: we're only seconds away from the end)

JOOR-EL: "Uh-Oh!"

JOOR-EL: "This is it! Kryptoon is breaking up! It's the final act! The Big Burrito! The Enchilada Grande!



JOOR-EL: "See ya kid! I planned it so you'll land soft as a feather in a park across the street from a nice old couple! They'll raise you up right! You'll get a good start!"

SFX/EFX (Ceiling collapses, then big explosion).

JOOR-EL: (A cry of anguish as he's buried under the rubble).

ON THE EARTH AS SEEN FROM SPACE: The baby's rocket rotates and retro fires.

The ship speeds through the atmosphere.

ON THE GROUND:

MA KANT: "Do you hear that, Pa!? You're going to think I'm silly, but I desperately hope it's an aircraft bearing the son we've always wanted...a son we could bring up to be a decent and responsible citizen."

PA KANT: "You're not silly at all, Ma. That's my dream, too. If only it would land gently and safely in that park across the street."

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOCKED PASSER-BY: "Holy Mackerel! What happened!?"

RESCUER: "Something fell out of the sky right on top of that nice old couple! Wait a minute! I hear a baby!"

MORE BIZARRE MAPS

More maps from the endlessly fascinating site: "strangemaps.com." None of these maps look very good when reduced to the size they are here, so be sure to click to enlarge them.

So, what do you think of this 1950s map of Europe as seen by Moscow (above)? It's amazing what a difference a new vantage point makes!

This (above) anal-retentive, proposed reconstruction of London is a powerful argument to prove that Mensa should never be allowed to rule the world.

Here's (above) a map of Europe from 1915. When I was a kid newspapers would frequently put up high-quality novelty illustrations like this, but as time went on I saw less and less of them. It's wrong to say that internet news outcompeted newspapers. The newspapers the computer beat were hamstrung versions that hardly resembled the dynamic papers of the past.

A fascinating star chart (above)! According to this the first transmissions of "Seinfeld" have already reached Altair.

Here's what these cities (above) actually looked like when the map was made 60 years ago. Some have human faces. Boy, cities are kind of ugly when seen in silhouette.

No attempt at realism in this cyber map (above), but it's still intriguing.

Holy Cow! Africa (above) is THAT big!!!????

I reprint this map of the Hollow Earth (above) just in case your car breaks down while you're driving in there.

Another map with a novel orientation (above)...the world as seen from Irkutsk.



This (above) won't mean anything til you enlarge it. It's a vulture's map of Ethiopia, maybe from the 40s. Why a vulture? I don't know, but it sure is neat!

Here's (above) a children's book map of some imaginary islands in the South Pacific.

A map of Europe (above) made with girl's underpants!

I have no idea where this map (above) comes from, but it's hilarious! You could make this kind of map of the desks in your classroom, or of your work place.

BTW: This is my thousandth post on Blogger! Imagine that! I didn't know I had a thousand things to say! I wish this stuff was broadcast, rather than crammed into the phone lines. It would be exciting to know that some...thing... with tentacles slithering around Altair 4 would hear about this someday and wonder who I was.