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RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT DOGGIE MANSIONS

There it is (above)...Paris Hilton's $320,000 dog house. My impression when I first saw it was, "Is that all there is? $320,000 only buys you that!?" But what the heck, it's a nice little house, it fits the alcove perfectly, and the iron fence sets it off nicely.

I imagine the door is so big because these pricey doghouses are actually meant for heavy use by human beings. They're kind of playhouses for humans where the owner gets to hang out with his dog on it's own turf. Maybe they watch TV together.

Here's (above) the interior of the house. It has a second floor mezzanine which I doubt will be used often, except by visiting kids.

I used to think that expensive doghouses were outrageous given that so many real people all over the world sleep in alleyways and sidewalks. Now I'm not so sure. It's too much money to spend on a dog -- no doubt about that -- but as a clubhouse for adults and kids who want to play with their dog...well, mmmmm, I can see it, if you have money to burn.

As I said, most luxury doghouses deliberately resemble human houses, but there are exceptions, like the dog house above. Ugly, isn't it? Well. at least the owner tried to see things from the dog's point of view.

What really interests me about these dog-centered houses is the opportunity they afford for thinking about habitation in the abstract. Dogs are other-wordly, alien creatures. To build for dogs you have to think like a dog. It's a chance to think of the idea of housing without pre-conceptions or cultural assumptions. Who knows? Maybe some of the ideas we come up with would work for humans, too.

Try free-associating on the subject of a money-is-no-object, dog-centered house and see what you come up with. Don't attempt to be logical, and don't censor yourself. Just see what happens.

Me, I like the idea that dogs love to stick their heads out of the windows of moving cars. Maybe the ideal chair for a dog would be one that moved on tracks all over the property interiors and exteriors whenever it was sat on. Naw, that's dumb. Well then how about a doggie window where the dog can watch you take a shower or cook a meal? My dogs used to love that. Naw, that's dumb, too. Well how about a glass tunnel where cats can run through the dog house? Naw...well, anyway, you see what I mean about conceptual blockbusting on the subject of habitats.

I can't resist showing this upscale-doghouse (above). This time the door is low.



Look what the inside (above) looks like! What's in that green urn?

It's hard to imagine that animals (above) who've been coddled in expensive digs will ever be able to survive on their own if they have to.

Could these goldfish ever survive in a real river?

And what about birds who've lived in high-end birdhouses (above)?

Can a bird who's lived in digs like this (above)...

...ever feel comfortable in the company of a bird who's lived in a house like this (above)? Maybe we're introducing human notions of class into the avian world.



Will worms raised in luxury worm high-rises (above) ever feel at ease in plain old dirt? Are we creating a worm aristocracy? You see the magnitude of the problem.

A POLITICALLY CORRECT "JACK AND THE BEANSTALK"

A few years ago a writer at a well known animation studio sent this memo to his boss. It asked the question, "If Jack and the Beanstalk were written today, at this studio, would it get approved?" The writer imagines that yes, it would be, but only if the following changes were made (below, click to enlarge):



Nifty, huh? My copy of this memo cuts off the name of the writer, but I'll gladly give him an author's credit if he writes in and identifies himself.

SUPERMAN...WELL ACTUALLY: "SOOPERMAN"

DEEP SPACE -- ON A SPEEDING ROCKETSHIP

JOOR-EL (VO): "Wake up, kid! Wake up!"

INT. ROCKET: ON THE SLEEPING BABY THE WORLD WILL SOMEDAY RECOGNIZE AS "SOOPERMAN."

JOOR-EL (VO): "You've gotta wake up! We have to hurry!"

SFX: Tap! Tap!...TAP! TAP! TAP!

JOOR-EL: "C'mon, little baby. Open your eyes!"

JOOR-EL: "It's your dad, Joor-el!"

JOOR-EL: "Listen, we gotta talk! We don't have much time! If you're hearing this, it means you're almost at your destination!"

BABY: Wakes, then (happy cooing).

JOOR-EL: "There you are, ya cute little thing, ya! Okay, brace yourself, this isn't going to be pretty! What you're seeing is a video. By the time you see this, the real me'll be hamburger."

JOOR-EL: "While you were asleep, Kryptoon began to break apart. In a minute or two the whole planet's going to explode, killing everybody."

JOOR-EL: "The worst thing is, people are blaming me for it!"

JOOR-EL: "Okay, I invented the planet burster with a big lever that stuck out the window...but I put a big note on it that said 'Don't Touch!' How was I supposed to know that someone who couldn't read would come along!?

JOOR-EL: "Anyway, I just put you in a rocket ship that'll take you to a place called Earth. Don't worry, you'll like Earth. The people there look just like us!

JOOR-EL: "Well, ahem!....not JUST like us....we are an exceptionally handsome race...."

SFX/EFX: (Loud rumbling and big shakes as the planet breaks apart).

JOOR-EL: "I've gotta talk fast! Listen! Earth's gravity is weaker than Kryptoon's! You'll have super powers there!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "Believe me, nobody's gonna take your lunch money if you don't want them to!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "And I threw in your dog. He'll have super powers, too! Remember to walk him every day, and don't ever get him mad!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "And a secret identity...You'll need to disguise yourself most of the time, otherwise pests'll always be begging favors!"

JOOR-EL: "Yeah, it's a gonna be a bit of a hassle..."

JOOR-EL: "....but, hey, there's a sunny side...."

JOOR-EL: "....heh, heh....think of all the GIRLS you're gonna get!" Muscles and a foreign accent...they'll eat it up!"

JOOR-EL (VO): "And X-Ray vision! Wait'll you see how handy THAT is!!!"

JOOR-EL: "One day it's not out of the question that you'll meet an Earth girl and have a family of your own."

JOOR-EL (VO): "Maybe she'll be somebody with muscles just like yours!"

BABY: (Cries)

SFX/EFX: (More rumbling and quakes: we're only seconds away from the end)

JOOR-EL: "Uh-Oh!"

JOOR-EL: "This is it! Kryptoon is breaking up! It's the final act! The Big Burrito! The Enchilada Grande!



JOOR-EL: "See ya kid! I planned it so you'll land soft as a feather in a park across the street from a nice old couple! They'll raise you up right! You'll get a good start!"

SFX/EFX (Ceiling collapses, then big explosion).

JOOR-EL: (A cry of anguish as he's buried under the rubble).

ON THE EARTH AS SEEN FROM SPACE: The baby's rocket rotates and retro fires.

The ship speeds through the atmosphere.

ON THE GROUND:

MA KANT: "Do you hear that, Pa!? You're going to think I'm silly, but I desperately hope it's an aircraft bearing the son we've always wanted...a son we could bring up to be a decent and responsible citizen."

PA KANT: "You're not silly at all, Ma. That's my dream, too. If only it would land gently and safely in that park across the street."

BAM!!!!!!!!!!!

SHOCKED PASSER-BY: "Holy Mackerel! What happened!?"

RESCUER: "Something fell out of the sky right on top of that nice old couple! Wait a minute! I hear a baby!"