Wednesday, November 12, 2008


MS. CRABBITER: "Hi girls! This is Semolina Crabbiter, head of the fashion division of Theory Corner for Women! I'm just thrilled because Uncle Eddie OK'd an invitation to Helen Girly Kratz of 'Neopolitan Magazine'...and she actually accepted! Here she is to enlighten us on the subject of feminine smoking."

KRATZ: "Thank you, Semolina, and Good Evening, ladies! I'm here to introduce you to the fine art of feminine smoking.

KRATZ: "You'll find that the hardest thing to learn about smoking is lighting the cigarette. I hate to say it girls, but there's no girly way to do this. You're putting fire near your face and tradition demands that you show the proper irritation."

KRATZ: "Once the cigarette is lit, you are in possession of a powerful instrument for turning heads in the room. It only remains to learn how to hold it."

KRATZ: "Here's a favorite grip of mine, called 'The Elegant." It's for light smokers, who still want to be seen."

KRATZ: "For the adventurous, there's the 'Baby in a Craddle.' "

KRATZ: " 'Baby THROUGH the Craddle' is an acceptable variant, as long as the cigarette is held loosely."

KRATZ: "For Heaven's Sake, never hold the cigarette in the infamous, male 'Shovel Grip."

KRATZ: "It's hard to believe, but they actually put the shovel up to their mouths and suck on it, like this. Disgusting!"

KRATZ: "I actually saw a man hold a cigarette like this once!"

KRAVITZ: "But enough unpleasantness...thank goodness we women are naturally dainty. Nature wants us to hold our cigarette as high on the fingers as we possibly can...way, way up there in the cloud-covered peaks at the tippy-tops of our fingers."

KRATZ: "I always try to cultivate an air of mystery when I smoke."

KRATZ: "I'm afraid that it's necessary to bend the wrist way back in order to look casual when conversing. For an adult with rigid bones, this can be quite painful, that's why I recommend teaching girls to smoke early, preferably when they're three or four."

KRATZ: "Well, that's it, ladies! Now you know the basic grips. Now get out there and SMOKE!"


Anonymous said...

I usually smoke by pinching the cigarette with my thumb and index finger. By the way, that shovel grip is also called "The Travolta"

jack raffin said...

oh, man. haha. great post, eddie. awesome expressions.

pappy d said...

Congrataulations, Eddie! Another thoughtful post on a very delicate subject.

When is a cigarette just a smoke?

Deniseletter said...

LOL!I don't smoke

Jennifer said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! The post is laugh-out-loud hilarious! I was reading this during a break from work, and I was laughing so hard that my neighbors thought I lost my mind.

The accompanying pictures made the post even funnier!

You forgot the most sophisticated way for a lady to smoke her ciggys - a cigarette holder. Cigarette holders always looked so sophisticated and upmarket.

(BTW I don't smoke.)

trevor said...

Mrs. Kratz forgot the one unisex move that all future cancer patients use: the scissor.

That's where you put it up to your lips inbetween the first and middle finger, and when you inhale, both fingers open up like you're about to make a scissor slice, only to come down when the drag is complete.

Plus, I'm not buying her sincerity: where's the french inhale?

Jorge: sounds like your method is used by my compatriots; those that don't smoke tobacco....

- trevor.

Anonymous said...

You're a very strange guy.

David Germain said...

Apparently, smoking causes lady's wigs to fall off.

Anonymous said...

Travor: the method you reefer...I mean REFER to is done by pinching the...AHEM...cigarette with your thumb and index finger but with the rest of your fingers up and seperate.

The method I refer to was has the rest of the fingers clenched together, below the thumb and index finer, almost in a fist.

eyeslikesugar said...

Can do!! Thanks. ;)

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Pappy: Wow! Thanks a million for the great link! It was interesting! I hope your recovery from the surgery goes smoothely.

Jennifer: Yeah, I definitely need to get a cigarette holder.

Trevor: Right, the opening scissor. I forgot that one!

lastangelman said...

Ye gods! I choked on my hot dog ... note to self - never eat while reading UETC! - always great faces and the slippy-slidy wig - reminded me of watching a great Tim Conway & Harvey Corman sketch on the old Carol Burnett show.

I stopped smoking - I didn't quit - there is a difference.

cwyatt said...

Eddie....Sooooo Funny!!
Especially your expressions.
Your little stories and demos should be on TV...I'd watch every day!!!

trevor said...

A cartoon camel never made me think smoking was cool; it was the numerous cool ways and gestures people invented that did it.

Luckily, I never got too addicted.

- trevor.

Anonymous said...

"Pappy: Wow! Thanks a million for the great link! It was interesting! I hope your recovery from the surgery goes smoothely.

Jennifer: Yeah, I definitely need to get a cigarette holder.

Trevor: Right, the opening scissor. I forgot that one!"

oh so the rest of us weren't good enough?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: Not good enough? Far from it! I can't answer every comment, but I appreciate them enormously, and read even the unanswered ones twice.

It's funny that you mentioned this now, because I have in mind a way of thanking you and others who've come to this site that I think you might find interesting. Keep tuned and you'll see wnat I mean!

Aaron said...

Those were some funny photos!

trevor thompson said...

Keep tuned and you'll see wnat I mean!

Ooo! Like a cereal party?!? I know Nico'd be down with that.

- trevor.

jesus said...

You my friend ARE a cartoon! Bravo!

Pete Emslie said...

All right Uncle Eddie, all this talk about smoking has got me wondering whatever happened to my favourite pulp detective, "The Smoker". Seems to me that we haven't seen that rascal ever since he was being closed in on by Dr. Sweet's hideous Man Creatures way back in February of last year. So, what gives? Did he survive that attack unscathed, or could the horrible truth be that this grotesque Man-Woman you call Helen Girly Kratz is in actuality The Smoker after Dr. Sweet got through experimenting on him? Enquiring minds want to know!!

Personally, I'm hoping that The Smoker escaped the clutches of evil Dr. Sweet and his Man Creatures, and is currently keeping a low profile in some dingy dive enjoying the company of some comely, yet deep thinking Girl Philosophers...

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Pete: Haw! Thanks! I'm dying to do more Smokers. I have a lot of ideas for it.

The oddest thing happened. After my surgery in September I found myself disinclined to do photography for some reason. I'm definitely getting back to it now, so the inhibiting bug is wearing off, but it was real while it lasted. It's funny how the health of your mind is connected to the health your body

Chip Butty said...

Haw haw! Smoking is hilarious, too bad we can't see it in films or tv anymore! Dainty girl grips are kind of fun too. Letting it hang from your mouth is more manly - like Bogie