Wednesday, November 12, 2008
MS. CRABBITER: "Hi girls! This is Semolina Crabbiter, head of the fashion division of Theory Corner for Women! I'm just thrilled because Uncle Eddie OK'd an invitation to Helen Girly Kratz of 'Neopolitan Magazine'...and she actually accepted! Here she is to enlighten us on the subject of feminine smoking."
KRATZ: "Thank you, Semolina, and Good Evening, ladies! I'm here to introduce you to the fine art of feminine smoking.
KRATZ: "You'll find that the hardest thing to learn about smoking is lighting the cigarette. I hate to say it girls, but there's no girly way to do this. You're putting fire near your face and tradition demands that you show the proper irritation."
KRATZ: "Once the cigarette is lit, you are in possession of a powerful instrument for turning heads in the room. It only remains to learn how to hold it."
KRATZ: "Here's a favorite grip of mine, called 'The Elegant." It's for light smokers, who still want to be seen."
KRATZ: "For the adventurous, there's the 'Baby in a Craddle.' "
KRATZ: " 'Baby THROUGH the Craddle' is an acceptable variant, as long as the cigarette is held loosely."
KRATZ: "For Heaven's Sake, never hold the cigarette in the infamous, male 'Shovel Grip."
KRATZ: "It's hard to believe, but they actually put the shovel up to their mouths and suck on it, like this. Disgusting!"
KRATZ: "I actually saw a man hold a cigarette like this once!"
KRAVITZ: "But enough unpleasantness...thank goodness we women are naturally dainty. Nature wants us to hold our cigarette as high on the fingers as we possibly can...way, way up there in the cloud-covered peaks at the tippy-tops of our fingers."
KRATZ: "I always try to cultivate an air of mystery when I smoke."
KRATZ: "I'm afraid that it's necessary to bend the wrist way back in order to look casual when conversing. For an adult with rigid bones, this can be quite painful, that's why I recommend teaching girls to smoke early, preferably when they're three or four."
KRATZ: "Well, that's it, ladies! Now you know the basic grips. Now get out there and SMOKE!"