Saturday, December 05, 2009

SUPERMAN...WELL ACTUALLY: "SOOPERMAN"


DEEP SPACE -- ON A SPEEDING ROCKETSHIP

JOOR-EL (VO): "Wake up, kid! Wake up!"



INT. ROCKET: ON THE SLEEPING BABY THE WORLD WILL SOMEDAY RECOGNIZE AS "SOOPERMAN."

JOOR-EL (VO): "You've gotta wake up! We have to hurry!"



SFX: Tap! Tap!...TAP! TAP! TAP!

JOOR-EL: "C'mon, little baby. Open your eyes!"



JOOR-EL: "It's your dad, Joor-el!"



JOOR-EL: "Listen, we gotta talk! We don't have much time! If you're hearing this, it means you're almost at your destination!"


BABY: Wakes, then (happy cooing).



JOOR-EL: "There you are, ya cute little thing, ya! Okay, brace yourself, this isn't going to be pretty! What you're seeing is a video. By the time you see this, the real me'll be hamburger."



JOOR-EL: "While you were asleep, Kryptoon began to break apart. In a minute or two the whole planet's going to explode, killing everybody."



JOOR-EL: "The worst thing is, people are blaming me for it!"



JOOR-EL: "Okay, I invented the planet burster with a big lever that stuck out the window...but I put a big note on it that said 'Don't Touch!' How was I supposed to know that someone who couldn't read would come along!?



JOOR-EL: "Anyway, I just put you in a rocket ship that'll take you to a place called Earth. Don't worry, you'll like Earth. The people there look just like us!



JOOR-EL: "Well, ahem!....not JUST like us....we are an exceptionally handsome race...."



SFX/EFX: (Loud rumbling and big shakes as the planet breaks apart).



JOOR-EL: "I've gotta talk fast! Listen! Earth's gravity is weaker than Kryptoon's! You'll have super powers there!"



JOOR-EL (VO): "Believe me, nobody's gonna take your lunch money if you don't want them to!"



JOOR-EL (VO): "And I threw in your dog. He'll have super powers, too! Remember to walk him every day, and don't ever get him mad!"



JOOR-EL (VO): "And a secret identity...You'll need to disguise yourself most of the time, otherwise pests'll always be begging favors!"



JOOR-EL: "Yeah, it's a gonna be a bit of a hassle..."



JOOR-EL: "....but, hey, there's a sunny side...."



JOOR-EL: "....heh, heh....think of all the GIRLS you're gonna get!" Muscles and a foreign accent...they'll eat it up!"



JOOR-EL (VO): "And X-Ray vision! Wait'll you see how handy THAT is!!!"







JOOR-EL: "One day it's not out of the question that you'll meet an Earth girl and have a family of your own."



JOOR-EL (VO): "Maybe she'll be somebody with muscles just like yours!"






BABY: (Cries)



SFX/EFX: (More rumbling and quakes: we're only seconds away from the end)

JOOR-EL: "Uh-Oh!"



JOOR-EL: "This is it! Kryptoon is breaking up! It's the final act! The Big Burrito! The Enchilada Grande!



JOOR-EL: "See ya kid! I planned it so you'll land soft as a feather in a park across the street from a nice old couple! They'll raise you up right! You'll get a good start!"



SFX/EFX (Ceiling collapses, then big explosion).

JOOR-EL: (A cry of anguish as he's buried under the rubble).



ON THE EARTH AS SEEN FROM SPACE: The baby's rocket rotates and retro fires.



The ship speeds through the atmosphere.



ON THE GROUND:

MA KANT: "Do you hear that, Pa!? You're going to think I'm silly, but I desperately hope it's an aircraft bearing the son we've always wanted...a son we could bring up to be a decent and responsible citizen."

PA KANT: "You're not silly at all, Ma. That's my dream, too. If only it would land gently and safely in that park across the street."



BAM!!!!!!!!!!!



SHOCKED PASSER-BY: "Holy Mackerel! What happened!?"

RESCUER: "Something fell out of the sky right on top of that nice old couple! Wait a minute! I hear a baby!"




16 comments:

RooniMan said...

That was great! Keep up the good work, Eddie!

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Jorge: Sorry I deleted the story without warning. The old version had too many problems. I think you'll like this one a lot better.

Amanda H. said...

I know the bare bones of the Superman origin and really about comic book superheroes and that's it. I do know about Bizarro Superman and that's...something. Ha.
Off-topic, do you know anything about resizing images on Blogger? Seems like everytime I try to post something (usually from Photobucket) it is resized too big and it messes with my layout. It's really frustrating. :/

Jennifer said...

Hi Uncle Eddie,

Here is my articulate, educated review of your Sooperman story -

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA - cough cough......ahem......ppphhhhhhhHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I'm glad you tweaked the story - this version is much funnier. I hope there are more Sooperman stories in the pipeline.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Jennifer, Rooni: Thanks for the kind words! Yeah, the first version sucked. I knew there was something wrong with it, but I couldn't figure out what, and I spent hours feeling cranky and out of sorts over it.

Amanda: I assume you're working on a Vista computer. I don't know how to resize using Vista. I used to do it all the time on XP's paint program, but Vista doesn't have a built-in paint program, and neither does Mac Leopard.

Some free programs on the net offer resizing, but the ones I looked at were big and clunky and the free version came with no manual and no tutorials. If you still have your old XP computer maybe you should use that for resizing.

Or maybe you should buy a paint program. Art Rage has a reputation for being good and cheap, but I don't know if you can resize on it.

About the Superman origin story: working with it convinced me that it's a truly classic story, one which is likely to persist for hundreds of years, if not more.

talkingtj said...

essentially its the story of moses with a sci fi twist. funny how all the original comic book creators and owners were jewish.maybe because it was a new industry and there was a depression it became one of the few options open to young urban jewish guys? just guessing..

Kali Fontecchio said...

lol!

Deniseletter said...

Uncle Eddie,HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Sooperman is the Superman's behind the scenes,what in reality maybe happened indeed.All the images fit exactly with your words so I really start to learning their importance! How is your images effective search method and How do you adapt them with your current story?

buzz said...

Oh, this was great! Are you going to continue it?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Jennifer, Buzz: I'd like to continue it but I don't know if a serial parody constitutes "fair use."

Boy Jennifer, you've got a knack for describing things like laughter in words!

Denise: Most of my borrowed images are from Google Images. It would take a book to answer your second question.

Amanda H. said...

Jeez, how did you know? I have the stink of Vista on me, I guess XD

Well at the moment, my old XP computer's power source has burned out so I can't use it. But I'm getting a new desktop any day now in the mail.
Well I do have an art program I use, Paint Shop Pro 7, but I forgot how to use it to resize pictures. I thought maybe there was another way. :/

From what I know about the Superman origin story, its very allegorical. It's almost like a Greek myth.

Deniseletter said...

Uncle Eddie Why not a book of yours?It is a great idea,worth thinking about!

Jorge Garrido said...

Haha, I'm glad to see you kept it! This is hilarious! And not just a little dark.

You're a better Jor-El than Brando. You didn't phone it in.

Dan Jackson said...

Aaw. I kinda liked the ending where the punks
found him.

Kinda remindede of a Superman
story from a few years ago, "Red
Son", which was a "what if" story where
Superbaby lands right in Stalin's back yard
and becomes a champion for soviet Russia,
and Lex Luthor becomes the greatest American
in history, being that he's the only guy smart enough to fight Superman's global domination (he also
goes on to cure cancer and end world hunger,
among other achievements).

Jorge Garrido said...

Eddie, I think the reason the story is so appealing is that it's the mythological Moses/Jesus/Goku story. He's an immigrant, yet he's an American (of the "new world.") He's a human, yet he's a god. He's comfortable in his home yet he knows he has to venture off the mountain and lead confront Pharaoh.

Of course, the best subtextual reading of Superman ever was in Kill Bill:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdWF7kd1tNo

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Jorge: I was going to say that Superman's origin story is so engaging that it actually beats the origin story of Moses, but the more I thought about it, the story of Moses being cast on the water is at least equally interesting, especially if the storyteller is allowed to embellish some of the small details.

The Kill Bill excerpt is terrific. The comic story is a great counterpoint to the emotions Uma is feeling.

Dan: Haw! Red Son sounds interesting!