Sunday, February 14, 2010


MS. CHEEZWHIZ: "Hello, ladies! This is Velveeda Cheesewhiz, Roving Editor for Theory Corner for Women! I'm so thrilled, because today I get to interview the queen of the best-selling romance novel... a woman with over twenty million books in print, and more movie deals than you could shake a stick at....REBECCA BRANDYTHISTLE!"

CHEESEWHIZ: Finding her home was no easy task. She's located in a part of town where the street signs are covered in grafitti, and the main occupation of the inhabitants appears to be begging.

CHEESEWHIZ: "Anyway, the children were helpful. 'The writer lady? She's up on the hill,' they shouted, 'She's up on the hill!' "

CHEESEWHIZ: "And they were right."

CHEESEWHIZ: "The road ended at the base of a beautiful garden. I parked and walked along a winding path which was studded with flowers and alive with fluttering butterflies.

CHEESEWHIZ: "Finally, through a break in the trees, looking past the shrubs and preening swans, I caught a glimpse of the house. Breathtaking! At the door a butler said I was expected and showed me into a sumptuous living room."

REBECCA BRANDYTHISTLE: (Leaps out from behind a curtain) "BOO!"

CHEESEWHIZ: "Oh, my Gosh!"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Hee hee! Sorry! I just couldn't resist it!"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Please, have a seat! Would you like some tea? How about a nice cup of Jasmine stirred with ginger leaves and spider silk? No? Well, let me show you the house, then."

BRANDYTHISTLE: "That piano used to belong to Liberace. They say you can get AIDS just by looking at it, but that's silly."

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Here's one of the bedrooms! Gee, the bed needs a few more pillows."

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Here's my 'wild place.' I get some of my best thinking done here."

BRANDYTHISTLE: "This is my dog Fluffy's room. Hmmmm. Fluffy's roses are wilting. I'll have to get him some more."

DOWNSTAIRS: They return to the living room and Cheesewhiz impulsively glances out the window.

CHEESEWHIZ: "I still haven't seen this part of the grounds yet. I'll bet it's..... GOOD LORD!!!!!! There's nothing out there but desolation! I've never seen anything like it! What happened!?"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Yeah, it is kinda' bleak, isn't it? I had to spray to get rid of some noisy neighbors.

BRANDYTHISTLE: "But don't worry, the plants'll be back in a few months. The chemical only effects humans. Huh? What's that, on the floor!?"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "It's one of my books! Would you like me to read something? You'll be able to tell your friends that you got a personal reading from Rebecca Brandythistle!"

CHEESEWHIZ: "Why, yes! I'd be delighted!"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Hee hee! Okay, here's a good passage. It's one of my favorites!"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "It was the time of the French Revolution! In order to escape from the handsome royalist officer, Nichole, the idealistic, perky, red-haired revolutionary, has just jumped off a cliff into the base of a waterfall."

BRANDYTHISTLE (READING): "Nearly distraught with fear, Jean Paul swam to the spot among the reeds where he saw Nichole's hair floating in the water. He hauled her out of the water, shaking her, flooded with relief when he discovered that she was still very much alive."

BRANDYTHISTLE: " 'Damn you girl! I thought you were dead! Dead!' he raged. He carried her to the cave behind the waterfall, despite her flailing. She punched and bit, struggled and kicked."

BRANDYTHISTLE: "As Jean Paul set her down, he meant to tie her up so she wouldn't escape again...but the instant he set his eyes on her naked loveliness, his intent changed. 'Dear Lord,' he whispered! Like Eve before the Fall you are!' "

BRANDYTHISTLE: "His calloused hands gently roamed her curves, and excitement numbed her thinking. Still, Nichole's fingers crept toward the dagger hidden in her furs..."

BRANDYTHISTLE: "....even as he expertly roused her senses to a fever pitch she'd never before experienced. 'Nichole,' he whispered, drawing her shivering body against his warmth...his urgent need! Her fingers tightened on the knife..."

BRANYTHISTLE: "Okay! That's enough heat, even for me! I can't take any more!"

GARDENER: "I'm sorry to interrupt, Miss Brandythistle, but is this how you want the crew to wear the shirts you gave them?

BRANDYTHISTLE: "The shirts? Goodness, no! They're supposed to be torn! You gotta rip them to shreds! Let them hang down! don't know how to tell you this, but the pants...they're"

GARDENER: "Too tight?"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Tight!!!??? Heavens, no! They're too LOOSE!!!! Don't you read my books!? Get the tailor to tighten them up!"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "Oh, dear...I'm afraid it's time for me to go. I have to take Fluffy out to have his fur braided. I hope you got everything you needed.'

CHEESEWHIZ: "More than enough! Thank you very much!"

BRANDYTHISTLE: "And remember:It's not the face behind the heart, but the heart behind the face. No, that's not it...It's not the body behind...not the heart behind...not...well, you know what I mean!"

Postscript: Thanks to John for the cool name, "Velveeda Cheesewhiz."


Oscar Baechler said...

BTW, through strange circumstances I'm awake at 4:00 in the morning, digging through some old Monty Python book of mine because of you for something I barely remember from childhood, and I feel inspired to write a huge essay on how you are single-handedly bringing Fumettis back into our culture.

Thank you so much, my dearest Uncle Eddie.

RooniMan said...

Velveeda Cheesewhiz? Great, now I'm craving cheese!

P.S.: Another great post by you, Eddie.

Anonymous said...

That's hilarious! I love skimming through stupid romance novels! And the covers are constantly funny.

Archmage Chaos said...

Ha, fabulous. The dead yard was a nice touch.

Hans Flagon said...

Some of that scenery made me start wondering, exactly WHAT had Thomas Kinkade, The Painter Of Light, The Bilker of the Faithful, done for the animation industry? I knew it was in his history.

So I looked it up on IMDB, in case, you know, they even gave a nod to the more obscure corners of animation. What do you Know? Bakshis own Fire and Ice, The Frazetta inspired movie some of us may actually have.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Hans: Yes, he was in animation for a while. I wonder if I met him? Boy, you never who you're sitting next to in this industry.

Oscar, Rooni, Josh, Arch: Many thanks!

Jennifer said...

Uncle Eddie, you're not right. But that's why we love you!

This story was way too funny.

Buzz said...

Flipping hIlArIoUs! Good shew, old, woman.

Niki said...

some of the scariest stuff I've read.