MY BEST POST EVER, AND IT'S ALL TRUE!

This is a revised version of a post I did way back in 2007. I'm very busy and cheats like this will allow me to continue posting for the next week. I don't feel guilty, though. It's the best post I ever did, and it reads a lot better now. Here goes...

My friend Mike hates fast food restaurants. He won't set foot in them. I understand that: most of them are crowded and noisy, with plastic seats and bad food, and who needs that? Alright, they can be terrible, but my local Carl's Jr. isn't like that. For at least half the day it's quiet and comfortable, and you can nurse a cup of coffee while reading, and nobody'll bother you.

Anyway, one day I caught Mike in a weak moment and he let me talk him into going to Carl's. Big mistake! I picked the wrong time because the place was full of retar...er, "mentally challenged" people...with shopping carts filled with "Lion King" memorabilia.  Maybe they'd raided a dumpster. Maybe there was a convention nearby, I don't know.  They were all shouting incoherently and arguing about who owned what, and of course they all gravitated to Mike.

I tried to take Mike's mind off the din by talking about movies and what not, but it was hard to tune out what was going on all around us. At the door a man appeared with a Lion King doll, but he couldn't get in. I don't think he understood the concept of doors. He could see his friends inside, but there was this big old slab (the door) in the way.

After making a few tentative little pushes he opened the door about 20% of the way, then tried to squeeze in through the narrow opening. The door, which had a normal amount of spring tension, began to close on him every time he stopped pushing, and it pinned him by the shoulders. The frightened man turned sideways to get more room but the door closed on him in that position too. Finally he  painstakingly wheedled through sideways, like a crab.

I'm ashamed to say that I was so surprised by what I was seeing that I forgot to offer to help. Besides I was distracted by a little kid who was trying to hit Mike with an empty DVD box.

Things got worse. A man settled into a booth nearby with a cup of coffee and looked wistfully out the window. Nothing wrong with that, I thought, just a citizen enjoying a cup of coffee. "Ah!" you could hear him thinking, "Life is good!" He took a sip then went to take another sip and was shocked to discover that his cup was empty. He glared at the kitchen then got up and filled it again...but with only a little bit of liquid.

Back in the booth he took another long, relaxed sip. "Aaaaah!", he thought again, "That's good!" But wait a minute! He went to take a another sip and the cup was empty all over again! Wha...? What kind of scam was this place running!!!??? Once again he stormed up to the counter to get more coffee.

This went on and on, with him looking surprised that his cup was empty then filling it again with the wrong amount of coffee. Once again I didn't offer to help because the kid was back hitting Mike with the DVD box again.

I should add that Mike was sitting close to the aisle. Every time the coffee man passed he would fart in Mike's face. And when I say "passed," I mean passed in both directions. Mike would get a fart in the face on the guy's way up, and a fart in the face on the guy's way back.

I suggested to Mike that we slide farther in on our seats so we could get away from the aisle, but when we did it was revealed that the woman in the booth behind us was regarding Mike with a murderous stare. Maybe he reminded her of the father who abused her and who now deserved to be stabbed. It was really intense. Regretfully we slid back to the aisle where Mike was promptly farted on again.

So that was my lunch with food snob Mike. (Sigh!) I guess we won't be eating at Carl's again any time soon.


BTW......many, many thanks to Charles Brubaker for the nifty spinner. What a hoot! I'll post a picture of it when I'm able. I can't wait to use it!

THEORY CORNER FOR MEN: " THE GIRLS OF CARL'S JR."

I think Playboy already did a "Girls of McDonald's" spread. Bah! Let them have McDonald's! Everybody knows the real babes hang out at Carl's Junior!


I grant you, McDonald's (above) has the best fries.

But Carl's gets the best people (above). More artsy types hang out at Carl's than any other fast food chain, at least in my area.

Here's (above) one of Carl's artsy customers relaxing at home. Orange dress, orange throw pillows, and orange walls...that takes a certain boldness...

...a boldness no doubt inspired by the orange food at Carl's.

I admit that all those burgers can put on the pounds (above) if you're not careful.

Interestingly, some people manage to stay slim no matter how much they eat. I used to be one of them.

Here's (above) another slim customer. Holy Mackerel! This girl is perfectly dressed for the Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary. Theory Corner women, take note!

Carl's does seem to get a lot of worldly women (above). The young innocents seem to prefer Denny's.

The restaurant also gets a certain number of people who are utensil-challenged.

Some women bring their evil boyfriends (above).

Some women (above) bring their cell phones, which is much worse. I've learned from eavesdropping on loud cell phone calls that lots of Carl's women complain to other women about their controlling mothers.

P.S. Thanks to John for the nifty title!

I TAKE MY SNOOTY FRIEND TO GET SOME FAST FOOD

I don't know why so many people hate fast food restaurants. I understand why they got a bad reputation early on when they were crowded and noisy with plastic seats, but that was then and this is now. My local Carl Jr.'s is quiet and comfortable and the food isn't bad if you know what to order. Anyway, yesterday I finally convinced my food snob friend Mike to try it.

I guess I picked the wrong day because the restaurant was full of mentally challenged people with carts filled with teddy bears and "Lion King' memorabelia. There must have been a convention nearby. They were all shouting incoherently and of course they all seemed to gravitate to Mike.

I forgot that using a door is a learned skill. A man who hadn't learned it yet came to the door, saw his friends inside, but couldn't get in because a slab (the door) was in the way. After making a few tentative little pushes he opened the door about 20% of the way, then tried to squeeze in through the narrow opening. The door, which had a normal amount of spring tension, gently began to close on him, pinning him there by the shoulders. The man painstakingly turned sideways to get more room but the door closed on him in that position too, forcing him to wheedle through sideways, like a crab. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so suprised by what I was seeing that I forgot to offer to help. Besides I was distracted by a little kid who was trying to hit Mike on the head with a DVD box.

I also forgot that using a cup is a learned skill. A man settled into a booth with a cup of coffee and looked wistfully out the window. Nothing wrong with that, just a citizen enjoying a cup of coffee. "Ah!" you could almost hear him thinking, "Life is good!" He took a sip then went to take another sip and was shocked to discover that the cup was empty. He looked at the kitchen angrily then got up and filled it again. Back in the booth he took another long, relaxed sip. "Aaaaah!", you could hear him think, "That's good!" But wait a minute! When he went to take a another sip nothing was there! What kind of restaurant are they running here? Once again he angrily looked at the kitchen then went up and got more coffee. This went on and on, with him looking suprised that he had nothing in his cup then filling it with only one sip's worth of coffee. Once again I didn't offer to help because the kid was back hitting Mike with the DVD box again.

I should add that Mike was sitting close to the aisle. Every time the coffee man passed he would fart next to Mike's head. And when I say "passed," I mean passed in both directions. Mike would get a fart in his face on the guy's way up to the counter and a fart in the face on the guy's way back.


I suggested to Mike that we slide farther in on our seats so we could get away from the aisle but when we did that the woman in the booth behind us cast a murderous stare at Mike, probably thinking that he was the father who abused her and now deserved to be stabbed. Regretfully we slid back to the aisle where Mike was promptly farted on.

So that was my lunch with food snob Mike. I guess we won't be eating at Carl's again any time soon.