Tuesday, January 16, 2007

I TAKE MY SNOOTY FRIEND TO GET SOME FAST FOOD

I don't know why so many people hate fast food restaurants. I understand why they got a bad reputation early on when they were crowded and noisy with plastic seats, but that was then and this is now. My local Carl Jr.'s is quiet and comfortable and the food isn't bad if you know what to order. Anyway, yesterday I finally convinced my food snob friend Mike to try it.


I guess I picked the wrong day because the restaurant was full of mentally challenged people with carts filled with teddy bears and "Lion King' memorabelia. There must have been a convention nearby. They were all shouting incoherently and of course they all seemed to gravitate to Mike.

I forgot that using a door is a learned skill. A man who hadn't learned it yet came to the door, saw his friends inside, but couldn't get in because a slab (the door) was in the way. After making a few tentative little pushes he opened the door about 20% of the way, then tried to squeeze in through the narrow opening. The door, which had a normal amount of spring tension, gently began to close on him, pinning him there by the shoulders. The man painstakingly turned sideways to get more room but the door closed on him in that position too, forcing him to wheedle through sideways, like a crab. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so suprised by what I was seeing that I forgot to offer to help. Besides I was distracted by a little kid who was trying to hit Mike on the head with a DVD box.


I also forgot that using a cup is a learned skill. A man settled into a booth with a cup of coffee and looked wistfully out the window. Nothing wrong with that, just a citizen enjoying a cup of coffee. "Ah!" you could almost hear him thinking, "Life is good!" He took a sip then went to take another sip and was shocked to discover that the cup was empty. He looked at the kitchen angrily then got up and filled it again. Back in the booth he took another long, relaxed sip. "Aaaaah!", you could hear him think, "That's good!" But wait a minute! When he went to take a another sip nothing was there! What kind of restaurant are they running here? Once again he angrily looked at the kitchen then went up and got more coffee. This went on and on, with him looking suprised that he had nothing in his cup then filling it with only one sip's worth of coffee. Once again I didn't offer to help because the kid was back hitting Mike with the DVD box again.
I should add that Mike was sitting close to the aisle. Every time the coffee man passed he would fart next to Mike's head. And when I say "passed," I mean passed in both directions. Mike would get a fart in his face on the guy's way up to the counter and a fart in the face on the guy's way back.


I suggested to Mike that we slide farther in on our seats so we could get away from the aisle but when we did that the woman in the booth behind us cast a murderous stare at Mike, probably thinking that he was the father who abused her and now deserved to be stabbed. Regretfully we slid back to the aisle where Mike was promptly farted on.
So that was my lunch with food snob Mike. I guess we won't be eating at Carl's again any time soon.



21 comments:

Max Ward said...

Is this with Mike Fontanelli? I could picture that perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Running an animation studio is also a learned skill, but you'd never know it by watching the idiots so entrusted crap themselves on a daily basis.

Vincent Waller said...

A lovely outing. Were you at the Carl's by the Speed freak Ralph's at Vineland and Magnolia?

Shawn said...

Just reading this, I could almost swear on my left one that you lived in MY town. It's gotten to the point where I avoid ANY public restaurants anymore for these very same reasons. What's in the water?

Lester Hunt said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kali Fontecchio said...

Ha!!!!!!!!!!!

I know a good reason not to eat there:

Cow shit in meat- and probably teenager boy spit- and from what I've heard from a certain friend of yours that worked at one of those places once upon a time, there might be semen too.

There you go.

Lester Hunt said...

"I don't know why so many people hate fast food restaurants."

Me either! I eat at Taco Bell with some regularity. But I would never tell any Mexican I know. They are liable to make an attempt on my life, or at least look like they just saw something moving in their tortilla soup.

Shawn said...

>>I know a good reason not to eat there:
Cow shit in meat- and probably teenager boy spit- and from what I've heard from a certain friend of yours that worked at one of those places once upon a time, there might be semen too. <<

Hahaha!
Hey, Kali, I used to work at Burger King! I won't eat there anymore after I've seen what happens in back, where the poor customers can't see what's REALLY going on.

Anonymous said...

All fast food mayonnaise and liquid proteins are suspect.

Katie said...

HA HA HA HA!!!!

"I forgot that using a door is a learned skill."

This post made me die

The only thing funnier than your verbal explanation of your fast food adventure would be drawings of Mike's expressions.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Katie: Thanks! If I'd had the time I'd have loved to have illustrated this story. Mike's reactions were priceless! As soon as I can I want to draw a post about what it's like to sit with Mike while he's oogling women.

Brian Romero said...

Shoulda taken Mike to Fatburger anyway.

;-)

mike f. said...

You forgot the best part - the cute lobby girl who was smiling at us as she was hosing down the retard's table!

Note to up-and-coming cartoonists: the full range of the human condition can be found nightly at your greasy neighborhood fastfood dive - everything from cute young Latina babes to drooling, incontinent imbeciles.
Reminds me of why I became a cartoonist in the first place.

[Were you at the Carl's by the Speed freak Ralph's at Vineland and Magnolia?]

Nope, Vince - Balboa and Devonshire in Granada Hills. Only the best establishments for my pal Eddie!

Jorge Garrido said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've seen someone "push" the "pull" doors!

Joel Bryan said...

What sort of effete ivory tower nancy doesn't enjoy dining with the common man and getting a whiff of said common man's common flatulence?

Alex Whitington said...

This stuff didn't happen, you have funny-filters on your eyes and ears that make the world seem like this to you...
and I want them!

lastangelman said...

Okay, snag your snooty friend again, but this time, try Arby's. Get the French dip and smuggle in a nice red table wine. Get two cups for water - that'll be for the wine in the brown bag. Ixnay the curly fries or any fried potatoes - go for jalapeno poppers. Condiments gotta be Arby sauce and Horsey sauce - salt and pepper to taste. MIss the lunch crowd - after one thirty, you'll be good.
WE're still cold and wet in Dallas but at least I don't have to risk getting my lips attached to the car door again.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Mike: I forgot about the girl you were drooling over. I love it when a beautiful woman doesn't seem to know she's beautiful. Good looks plus a kind of earnest innocense is immencely appealing!

LastTangle: Thanks for the tip! I'll try it!

subect!

Mad Taylor said...

Try a finer fast food hall next time, such as Arby's. I've always trusted Arby's. Dine at the one on Sunset between Gower and Bronson Ave. I got lucky last time, all the riff raff takes place outside. So entertainment while you eat. The old owner of the Old Spaghetti Factory limped his way over and threw a milk crate at a bum!

NateBear said...

Next time don't be so detailed. I can almost smell the people you're talking about. This may be an artistic accomplishment for you, but it's somewhat unpleasant for me.

Lee-Roy said...

this was too goddamned funny. i showed this to my girlfriend and we laughed and laughed. for some reason the part where you try to slide over to get away from the farts really got me. don't know why. the futility of it, i suppose.