INTERVIEW WITH EDDIE FITZGERALD

EXT. UNCLE EDDIE'S HOUSE:

IN THE BACKYARD:

EDDIE: "Glad to meetcha! They told me you'd be coming. Have a seat, have a seat!"

INTERVIEWER: "Thanks! It's an honor to meet you, sir. I do interviews for Animation Magazine and they tell me you have stories about every big shot in the animation business."

EDDIE: "Haw! Do I!? If I told you only half the stories I know, we'd be here all month. You name the show and I worked on it. I've worked with eeeeeeeeverybody."

INTERVIEWER: "Really!? Do you know John Kricfalusi?"

EDDIE: "John K? Um, well, not exactly." 

INTERVIEWER: "Mike Fontanelli?"

EDDIE: "Fonta...who?"

INTERVIEWER: "How about Eric Goldberg?"

EDDIE: "Gee, he never answers my..."

INTERVIEWER: "How about Brad Bird?"

EDDIE: "Brad Bird...hmmm, I think I parked in his space once."

INTERVIEWER: "Seth MacFarlane?"

EDDIE: "You don't have his number, do you?"

INTERVIEWER: "Matt Groening?"

EDDIE: "Um, no."

INTERVIEWER: "Pete Docter?"

EDDIE: "Nope."

INTERVIEWER: "Tim Burton?"

EDDIE: "Er...well, not really."

INTERVIEWER: "Bill Kopp?"

EDDIE: "Well, actually, I haven't...." 

INTERVIEWER: "How about John Lasseter?"

EDDIE: "John Lassater!? How the heck am I supposed to meet John Lassater? He lives in Cuppertino or Emeryville...some place like that." 

INTERVIEWER: "Well how about producers like...someone like Steven Spielberg?"

EDDIE: "Ahhhhh, stop right there. Steven. Now we're talkin'. Yes, yes, I've been over to his house several times. He just emailed me last week." 

INTERVIEWER: "Really? Can we see it?"

EDDIE: "No need. I memorized it...it said, 'You missed the grass near the rose bushes and the front lawn could use a really robust watering this time.' He calls the watering 'robust.' Isn't that poetic? Only Steven would think of something like that."

EDDIE: "Hey, what's that on your lens?"

INTERVIEWER: "Oh, a pebble got under the lens cover."

EDDIE: "Hold still. I have my Swiss Army Knife. I'll dig it out!"

THEORY CORNER FOR WOMEN (NO MEN ALLOWED)

Imagine my excitement when the editor of Theory Corner for Women burst into my office and informed me that if I hurried I might just be able to get an interview with the world-famous cartoonist and stud muffin, Uncle Eddie, at his fabulous Theory Mansion. I didn't need to be told twice!

It was night by the time I arrived at the house. Uncle Eddie's social secretary led me to the sprawling grounds in back, to a large outdoor hot tub. A maid was lighting up bits of paper in a nearby outdoor fireplace. When it flared up, she threw in kindling wood, then placed a few logs on top. Uncle Eddie was sitting in the in water, surrounded by candles, thoughtfully looking up at the stars.

One glance at Uncle Eddie and I almost forgot that I was a working girl. When he spoke to the maid his speech was odd, a little English or maybe mixed from foreign travel. He had a solid look, with gentle, squinty eyes, and sensuous buck teeth. His hair, almost grey, seemed impossible to keep down. After introductions were made, and Uncle Eddie graciously posed for a picture (above), the interview began.

TCFW: "Do you feel like living, Uncle Eddie?"

Uncle Eddie: "I always feel like living, as you call it. death is just death -- dying off -- disinterest in everything -- decay. And I am not decaying, I hope.

TCFW: "Are you a happy man?"

Uncle Eddie: "What does happiness mean to you? I mean, how do you equate it? For me it's all love, no matter what else you call it. Some people call it power, To me it's very simple -- love, love, love..."

TCFW: "But what kind of love? Body love, spiritual love?"

Uncle Eddie: "The whole works! No matter how it begins, it must end with the whole works -- that's how I look at it."

TCFW: "A woman needs that too...'

Uncle Eddie: "A woman needs many things -- but mostly affection, constant affection."

TCFW: "You make it sound simple."

Uncle Eddie: "I think we're talking too much about it, talking about something that needs very little speech."

The outdoor fireplace was sparking. A twig sprang out and fell on the ground between us.

Uncle Eddie: "This is the way the world will end. Not with a whimper, but with fire -- a big fire."